BFTD

From that, it's surprising that more governmental headbangers haven't decided that nuclear war isn't a bad idea. Also surprising that our arses don't glow in the dark.

Christ, this is getting mentioned everywhere. Either put some soap in the machine or get yourself to the doctor, FFS! Vaguely related to your wanking sock, I guess; I used to know a girl who kept a 'blowjob cup' under her bed for...well, you can imagine. She'd leave it there until it was full before emptying it out. I always wondered what her gentlemen callers thought when, during the haze of post-orgasmic bliss, she pulled out a container filled with other men's spunk

The Ting Tings. I thought we were done with these people, but they've returned in several heavily-rotated advertisement campaigns over the course of the summer. It's beyond a fucking joke, and I'm developing a facial tic that kicks in whenever I hear that whiny bitch complain about things not being her name. The priests in exorcism movies are always badgering the demon for its name - I'm thinking that this is no coincidence.

Anyone that mocks adult fans of the Despicable Me films is a massive c**t and worthy of pity. Gaun yersel, son!

Chronicle - a group of *cough* "teens" discover a mysterious object buried underground and develop superpowers after touching it. This is much better than I expected from the trailer. It's another found-footage movie, although it really stretches the concept. However, it's interesting enough that it's easy to allow yourself to forget how silly it is that everything has been caught on camera. The film concentrates on how the newfound powers affect the 'kids' (seriously, the actors are in their mid-twenties) lives, and surprisingly turns into a little bit of an action-packed effects showcase in the final third. Not bad; just don't expect the earth. Grindhouse - after a hankering for Planet Terror, I figured I'd finally get ahold of the original cinema version of it and Death Proof, complete with spoof trailers. And well worth the effort it was too. The double-bill kicks off with the original Machete trailer, and it's surprising how much of the trailer Robert Rodriguez managed to include in the actual film. Planet Terror is next, which is a pastiche of '80s zombie movies, and quite a decent one at that. I didn't notice any differences between this and the longer version originally released on DVD, which surprised me as changes normally stick out like a sore thumb to me. The fact that this version has the same effect in a shorter running time probably makes this the superior version. Next up is a gaggle of spoof trailers from the likes of Rob Zombie, Eli Roth and Edgar Wright, and a lot of fun they are too. Prepare for brief cameos a-go-go. First time I'd seen them, and they were worth waiting for. We end on Death Proof, Quentin Tarantino's car-stravaganza starring Kurt Russell as a lunatic with a penchant for killing women in car crashes. And this is a film that benefits hugely from a much shorter running time than the original DVD release, although some may miss Vanessa Ferlito's lapdance scene. Tarantino's trademark long dialogue scenes fall very flat here, with uninteresting chat from some annoying characters, some of which comes across as the work of someone trying too hard to do Tarantino's style. Thankfully, there are more entertaining elements mixed in, with a particularly gruesome head-on collision and climactic chase scene providing plenty of entertainment. Still kind of mystifying why Tarantino's segment got more plaudits from the critics though. Guardians of the Galaxy i am groot

I hadn't realised quite how ugly our team is Ben Gordon though

Because he has a massive dong?

Other people have already taken 'They're Coming to Take Me Away' and 'Jizz in my Pants', so I'll go for this: Nobody willing to plump for 'Too Drunk To f**k' by the Dead Kennedys?

You on your steam-powered laptop, Mozza?

Dunno, but it sounds interesting - thanks! Will watch and let you know.

Teletext was quality. The videprinter on the BBC's website just isn't the same. What's your favourite match day teletext substitute, P&B?

Someone should get this printed on a fucking T-shirt.

This. The slack-jawed yokels will invariably give you the stink-eye for daring to look in their general vicinity. I'd like to crush their skulls with my bare hands for their utterly self-absorbed and aggressive idiocy.

When I find it, I'll post a gif. If you manage to give yourself a hand shandy watching that, a prize is surely in order. A place on the register, for one thing

Is that why we do it? I thought it was just a light-hearted way to call someone a bar steward without the harsh confrontational edge. You b*****d!

Didn't he like doing unspeakable things to middle-aged women's bumholes? (uhh...spoiler, I guess)

#1 - I genuinely don't know if this was a traumatic dream or not. #2 - It was a pretty decent film, and (IIRC) was supposedly based on a true story, which was fairly mind-melting as a kid. #3 - It looked fucking mental! You'd need to have seen it to understand.

The amount of hair that sprouts from everywhere when you hit middle-age. After years of denial, I just had to shave my own back for the first time. Two days later and I'm like King Kong all over again

Alright, I give in. Is this a reference to the Old Firm? If so, agreed.

Forgive me if there's already a thread like this, but I couldn't see one. Post your half-remembered scenes & storylines from films & shows that you can't remember (or never knew) the name of. Hopefully your P&B siblings can help out! Here's a few to start: Number 1: I remember flicking over to BBC2 late at night about 25 years ago, and there was some Eastern European film on. The scene was of some randy fat housewife with huge droopy knockers, and she was trying to get a wee boy to suck on her pendulous nipples, but he had no idea what she wanted. Don't remember much about it apart from that - I'd like to know what it was so I can confirm it wan't a dream/horrible repressed memory Number 2: Another late-night BBC2 Eastern European offering - I think it was maybe Polish or East German. Some random woman is kidnapped off the street by (what appears to be) the secret police and is interrogated, including death threats and (I think) a bit of rape too. She had no idea what they wanted, and they wouldn't tell her. After years of this, they pretend they're finally going to execute her, and bundle her through a door to where they're presumably going to do the deed. Instead, she's back out on the street in front of a faceless building, and they slam the door closed, leaving her alone with not a clue what happened. Finally Number 3: RandomGuy posted a gif of a guy having his insides ripped out through his bumhole, but the bassa wouldn't tell what it was from It was removed, so that's no help. I've established it isn't from Zombie Holocaust, but I'm stumped now. Ideas? Cheers folks!

. Funny to think that there are kids who'll think that must be a game about fighting pandas or some such I have a wee roster of games that I keep going back to when I get a spare half-hour. All are very, very recommended: Plants vs Zombies Skyrim Fallout 3 Atom Zombie Smasher Doom: the Roguelike Also, Space Hulk. NOT the recently-released official game, or the old Amiga version, but this shareware game by Teardown Software of Sweden: http://youtu.be/VDCmD05j4YM Probably looks pants to most, but it's heaven to anyone that played the board game. Sadly, they got the inevitable cease-and-desist letter from the Games Workshop, and had to alter a lot of stuff, like changing the name to Alien Assault.

I've tried playing that twice - once when new, and again about a year ago. I just can't get into it. The whole thing's so shrill, and very much of the sudden-jump-scare school of horror, which gets really fucking annoying after a while. Doom 3 did the same thing better, and it was annoying to play as well. And the camera...Jesus, the camera

I remember playing a bit of that back when it was new - not bad, and played around with a few ideas that were novel at the time. Main problem was that it was all about running round shooting Things, which wasn't exactly what fans of the film would want. That, and the game would show you a cutscene every time you went near a room with Things in, which warned you about them and told you where they were. Weird choice; kinda killed a lot of the suspense.

Tesis - Spanish film about a film student searching for violent movies to help with her final paper. When her college professor dies, she discovers what appears to be a snuff movie in his possession, and sets out to investigate its provenance. That probably makes the film sound a lot more interesting than it actually is; Tesis is a fairly dull whodunnit with a very small selection of characters to choose from. Could just be me, but one had villain written all over them from their first scene. It doesn't really feel like there's enough going on in the running time, so I found it difficult to stay interested. Curiously unengaging.

There's an actual Weatherspoon in Alloa town centre now, about halfway between the Star and the Thistle, in part of the old Co-Op building. It's called the Bobbing John, a name popular with history buffs and lovers of innuendo. Fnarr.