Fullerene

Was there ever a possibly Huw Edwards could have presented the news? ".. and tonight, the main headline is this. The name of the BBC presenter at the centre of the latest scandal has been revealed. Well, to cut to the chase, it's me. That's right - me. I am not just reading the news - I am the news. Who would have thought. Oh well. Meanwhile, in other news ..."

I have my sources ..

Last year, the Queen died. I am not remotely interested in the monarchy but the Queen had been the Queen since before I was born. It was like somebody had changed the wallpaper in a room where I had not noticed the wallpaper until somebody changed it. Huw Edwards was much the same. I had no real opinion on him except that he was presenting the news so often, I barely noticed. I seriously doubt he will be presenting it ever again. Another wallpaper moment you might say.

Storm in a tea cup. An out of court settlement has already been reached. Life-time's supply of Bovril will be shipped to Trump Tower, as and when required. Case closed.

It all seem to be a bit over the top. Could they not just join forces with "Just Stop Oil" and resort to orange paint, powder and confetti instead?

This never happened during the war when we had rationing. The obvious solution is to go to war again. Any suggestions?

They were going to ask Chris Pincher.

Honestly, that is some fetish! "Excuse me, have you got any DVDs that has got people, you know, dishwashing., 'Confessions of a Dishwasher', 'Carry on Dishwashing', that sort of thing?"

I had a great highly enjoyable childhood mainly because everybody I knew did a brilliant job convincing me that the world was a fun, happy, loving place (even if I was too young to know otherwise). Nothing in my life involved war and destruction, fleeing my home with nothing but the clothes on my back, having to put my life in the criminal gangs who might get me to Blighty or let me drown (depending on whatever made the most profit). I can not imagine the ordeal of these children who deserve better (as all children should), and I would think that reaching dry land, you would finally be safe. Yet this scum thinks otherwise. Build him a time machine and send him back to live in Nazi Germany. The only place for him.

I would suggest an hour long documentary on how he is coping with his own "cost of living crisis" and having to adapt from being a millionaire to not being a millionaire and all the sacrifices and doing without that he is having to cope with. GB News Special. Nobody watches that anyway.

Not sure why he can't just take back control of his financial sovereignty from all those unelected bank officials and just stuff all his money under the mattress.

If Nairnshire was part of New Zealand, I could visit New Zealand and be back home the same day without any long tiring plane flights. Maybe they could give us Stewart Island in return.

"I would like to speak to the manager." "You can't. He's left." "This is outrageous. I want to speak to him but because we have a difference of opinion on the future of this country and how it is run and government policies and my views on immigration and Europe and taxation and public services and the railways that means he simply won't speak to me. Unbelievable." "No. He's left. Gone home for the day. He will back in on Monday."

In much the same way, I have written a stern letter to Johnny Rotten to get up to date. I enjoyed their abusive song GSTQ all those years ago but it not her anymore is it. By all means continue with the vile offensive lyrics, the more vile the better - but just tweak it a bit. GSTK, he ain't no human being. That sort of thing. Much appreciated.

Poor guy. If he is happy to give me all the banknotes he has with the Queen's face on it, I will happily give him all those I have with King Trip on it. (Actually I have none but don't tell him)

Can't they reach an agreement with the PSNI to burn all that cocaine in a giant bonfire? Surely that would please everyone. Just an idea.

Would "Under Pressure" be a more appropriate song?

I'm the same. In real life I am an international crimebuster exposed to exciting hijinx on an almost daily basis. However when I have a quiet moment, I go here to post some pretty ordinary stuff.

You might think the lyrics are a bit repetitive for this one but it is a great song by the late great Joey Ramone.

If there was a nuclear attack on Scotland, think of all the points you would get. Exciting!

For those complaining about food inflation, spare a thought for the singer of The Motors. His love has left to go to a place "where the food is so much cheaper."

The second half of "Hey Jude". Friendly advice to Julian Lennon that consists of "La, La-La, La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La, Hey Jude" over and over again. If I was Julian Lennon, I would have been seriously pissed off.

Maybe except for one small point. I don't really give a shit. The role of Prime Minister or First Minister (or equivalent) is an important one that affects people's lives and should only go to someone who will take it seriously as opposed to for some ego trip. By contrast the role of President (in some countries at least) may supposedly be more senior but in reality it is largely ceremonial and has less consequences if it goes to the wrong person. I recall when Andrei Gromyko was made President of the USSR and was totally pissed off. It was like being put out to pasture.

One issue to consider here is Boris Johnson. Obviously he was never fit to be Prime Minister and there is little to suggest he took the role seriously. However if the UK was a republic with a non-executive president who would cut ribbons, open hospitals, greet visiting dignitaries and give tiresome speeches then Johnson would have been far better at that than the role he was forced to quit. He would also have been a lot cheaper than the Royal Family I suspect.