Raith Against The Machine

I've never had a nose bleed in my life. I did give out a hectic one once though. I slid down a ramp at the skate park and flying elbowed my best mate, in what was later relayed to his parents as a purely accidental collision.

Handstands. Although, if it's still going, then you're probably dead. Or at least, really really messy.

I've recently started playing Football Manager again, after a break of well over a year. I'd forgotten the horror of the Chairman who accepts an offer that's "too good to refuse". Baaaaaaaaaaaaaastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Can you get a suntan through glass? I was thinking this the other day when I was in the car. You know how they talk about a "truckers' tan", through leaning one arm out the open window. If the window is closed, but the sun is shining brightly onto your arm inside the car, can you still get a tan?

I can't help feeling that the Mark Campbell "story" is starting to look more and more like the plot of The Six Million Dollar Man. A man, an astronaut enormous centre back, cut down in his prime by a devastating air car crash, leaving him "barely alive". "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Mark Campbell will be that man. We can make him better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster." I can't wait for next season.

Have to say, I've not been overly impressed with Armstrong. Wouldn't be at all disappointed to see him go. I'd like to see Amaya stay on, but that's based on very limited viewing. In fact, it's pretty much based on his goal against Airdrie. I would hope he'll at least be invited back for pre-season, and we can see how he gets on then. It sounds like John McGlynn has pretty much already made up his mind on most of the squad, though.

Sometimes, brushing my teeth seems like a massive chore, but other times, I quite enjoy it. Also, brushing your teeth whilst wearing a jacket feels so wrong.

If he did, he'd still be the "1 4 me".

Fiver says his Granny named him.

My laptop is slower than Jordan's son.

Really? I'd honestly just rather have the American accents, it's not like every TV show isn't full of them. It's much better than "'Ey up our Tina, 'ave you tried this 'ere new cleaning product, it's 'reet good." while some black wifey from Chicago waves a bottle of bleach at her pal.

All of the dubbed ones are dreadful. If you're too cheap to make separate adverts for us and the Merkins, then just leave the voices alone. We won't think any less of you if they've got American accents. At least then they don't look like they're in a 70s martial arts flick. "Have you smelt this chair?" Eh? Have you smelt this glue, Mum? Because it fucking sounds like it, you lunatic.

In hindsight, yeah, he probably would've. Last season though, Graham Weir was fantastic towards the end, and Wardlaw could barely go three games without getting injured (through no fault of his own). He was hardly playing like Wayne Rooney when he was on the pitch, although he didn't do badly. Letting him go was the right decision at the time.

Here's a question... Say we're going into the last 15 minutes of a game, and we've made all three subs. Davie McGurn comes tearing out of his goal and brilliantly slide tackles an advancing forward, before launching the ball up the field. However, moments before the ball drops over the flailing arms of the opposition keeper and into the net, the referee blows his whistle and sends Oor Davie off, claiming it was an unfair, last man challenge. Who'd go in goal? I think it'd be Laurie Ellis. He seems like the type who'd gladly pull on the gloves and run around the box at every corner like he's hailing a cab. Either that, or Stephen Simmons would continue his quest to play in absolutely every position for us.

Is this someone a duck?

The advert for Carspotter. Mouthy bint sitting in a Mini. "OOH I LOVE IT! CAN WE HAVE IT? I LOVE IT, I LOVE THE COLOUR, EVERYTHING!" First off... you're not a child, stop acting like it. It's only an advert, and the bloke still looks embarrassed. Secondly, you love the colour? It's grey. Not even silver. Grey. What sort of fucking weirdo loves grey?

I think being part-time lends us some benefits, at the moment. We're essentially the "premier" part-time team in the country, so we, theoretically, have the pick of the best part-time players, many of whom are good enough to be part-time but prefer not be because of work commitments.

I'd keep Ferry too, but I wouldn't say I'd join this new fan club. He's excellent if he has the ball at his feet, and nobody bothers to close him down. He's got an excellent shot on him, and can deliver decent crosses. But he needs too much time for it to be properly useful. He seems to work on 0.5 speed. Not just in his running, but the time it takes him to look up, decide on a course of action, and then carry it out. I'm being very harsh, but as I said, I would keep him on. But then, I'd keep Davidson too. He's a menace, and runs about crashing into people. I like that. Not a Simmons fan, though. I'd agree that we shouldn't really have him and Davidson. For me, we should keep one, and there's no contest. I'd much rather have the less-petulant-than-he-used-to-be booked-twice-for-every-three-games Kirkcaldy captain, than the ever-petulant red-card-every-three-games former Townie Simmons... I think Stephen Simmons would be excellent in a team where he's the best player. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he left us, went to somewhere like Arbroath (for example) where he could command the midfield and knock passes about, knowing he's a wee bit cut above the rest. I don't know if I'm getting my point across...

This the one you're after? I find the best idea is to just use Google. Search for want you want, followed by "site:http://www.pieandbovril.com" I just put in "exam answers" and got that second or third result. Much better than the on-site search engine.

I would imagine that if John McGlynn wants him, and I don't see why he wouldn't, United wouldn't stand in the way of Kevin Smith returning to the Rovers. The big question is whether they'd let him go back out on loan, or prefer to just have him off the books. Another loan would just be bizarre. It's getting to the point where it's starting to look like their keeping him on to save us money and get him better treatment for injuries, rather than we're taking him to help his development. It just seems like he's been at United long enough for them to have decided whether or not he's good enough to be a United player.

Interestingly, the 3 players who come after McAllister in the Second Division top scorers are all former Rovers. Tell you what though, it's a shame that we burnt all of our bridges with Paul McManus, because *whisper it* he seems like just the kind of player we need.

She probably wasn't that pleased with you fingering her daughter as you tried to parallel park, either.

I also see that the ever-sensible Whistle Blower was suggesting we try to take a look at Martyn Campbell. I can't decide if that's an excellent or a terrible idea. A Campbell Brothers central defensive partnership would be tougher than the soles of Ghandi's feet, but it'd also be slower than the arrangements for our next AGM, and have as many good knees as a basket of snakes. You could effectively rule out us conceding a single header all year, but a pacey striker with quick feet could go straight through our central defence like a javelin through a toddler. Ultimately, I don't think it's the right move. If Mark Campbell's fit, then we don't need another central defender. If he's not fit, I don't think Martyn is good enough to displace either Dougie Hill or Grant Murray (although he's not getting any younger). If, for whatever reason, we were to lose either Murray or Hill in the summer, and Sparky gets through all his medical tests with flying colours, and we could get Martyn on the cheap, then it'd maybe be worth another look. As things are though, it's a no-goer.

So, targets for next season then, boys? And let's try to steer away from this "I hear we're signing a new defender from a 2nd Division club... *wink wink*" - if you know the name, give us the name. There's nothing worse than "I'm in the know, and you're not, ha ha" posts. It seems to be fairly well known, although I've obviously seen no evidence, that we've arranged PCA with John Baird of Airdrie, and Willie Dyer of Brechin. I can't say I know too much about either, because I'm terrible at noticing individual opposition players, but Baird's goals speak for themselves, especially at a team so low in the league. I don't know enough to be able to suggest specific players I'd like to see us sign, but I'd be pleased if we could sign 2 proper strikers (if Baird is one of them, fantastic), rather than midfield/forwards. Two fellas who are completely useless when deployed anywhere except up front, so they can be entirely focussed on that. It'd let us play 4-4-2, and we've got enough cover to fill in if one or both of them is injured for any time. It'd mean Tadé can get back to concentrating on playing the right wing, which I'd like to see. I don't feel like Darren Smith's quite been given enough time to get into his role as our out-and-out left winger, and I can't really see that changing under John McGlynn, so if there is someone who he'd play left wing available, I'd like to see them come in. The centre of midfield I think is fine, if we stick to perming any 2 from Simmons, Davidson, and Walker. In defence, a lot rests on how Mark Campbell's coming along. If he's going to be fine, excellent. If not, I think we'll need another centre half. Wilson should be fine at right-back, and we've got enough in the squad to deputise if he picks up another injury. Presumably Gary O'Connor will be leaving, and there's no need to replace him. Just stick Amos on the bench, and if he's not actually good enough to replace McGurn in the event (God forbid) of a serious injury, we can loan in someone from the SPL.

Is it just me who occasionally repeats stories they read on P&B, such as the one above, with "My mate told me a story about when he was at school..."? It just sounds better than "I read on the internet..." EDIT: I don't mean, just randomly repeating them as a matter of course. I don't just walk into a room, and start a conversation with "Hey, MY FRIEND told me a really funny story! Listen to this!" Just if we're talking about stuff that happened at school anyway, or something...