GordonD

Here's one for him:

But being Sheldon can't hit a cow on the arse with a banjo so nobody gets hurt.

Reported for racism

Third world problem: Pouring a pint of water and it looks like beer because of all the crap in it.

Sorry to hear that, Gaz. It puts all the petty moaning here into perspective.

So you don't find a talking cat unrealistic then?

Only if you're one of those posers who absolutely MUST have the latest gadgets. A few years ago there was a TV advert for one of the mobile networks which showed a cowboy sitting on a horse, which was obviously supposed to represent his top-of-the-range phone. There was a flash of light and suddenly he was sitting on a donkey - the implication being that a new phone had come out and suddenly what he had was a piece of crap. Which is absolute nonsense - the phone he had didn't suddenly get worse because there was a new improved version; it did exactly what it had always done. So if you're happy with the iPhone 6, stick with it. Because if you update to the iPhone 7 you'll be back here asking the same question when the iPhone 8 comes out.

If it's behind his back he has the jacket on the wrong way round.

Especially if they learn to cheat take advantage of the system by appealing a blatant red card so that an important player is available for the next crucial match.

Ludo*1's from Dundee; no wonder he didn't notice.

^^^^^^ Flour to cut the heroin with before he flogs it.

Well, I won't dispute the part about it being a Supporters' Club coach on the last day but are you sure the Brake Club stopped running coaches a couple of years prior to that? I was still travelling regularly right up to the start of the final season and I could have sworn it wasn't with Dave Baxter & Co. Mind you, it was nearly a quarter of a century ago and the old memory isn't what it was, and... what were we talking about?

If City do go down after just one season critics of the pyramid system will claim that it proves there's too big a gulf between League Two and the Lowland League. In reality that would only be the case if City's points total could be counted on the fingers of one hand, and the Shire had walked away with the LL.

Parents are going to love Moffat. He already has the kids scared of statues after 'Blink'; now they'll refuse to get into the bath...

Totally agree with this - I was at Greenock too and the bus was virtually full. We thought it was fitting that it should end in a 1-0 defeat since the very first game (Albion Rovers in the League Cup) had the same scoreline. On a personal note, I went to the first League game of the season (Brechin away) and we hammered them 5-1 but were then stripped of the points because one of our players was ineligible. That was when I gave up in despair. I only went to three more games that final season - Celtic in the cup (at Hampden), then the last home game (Stenny, beat them 1-0) and the last of all at Cappielow. At full-time I threw my scarf onto the goal net but the groundsman took it down to I retrieved it and gave it to a young Morton fan in the street outside.

I'm always tempted to ask people who sit like that if they have mumps.

Didn't it spill on the floor?

Woman goes to her doctor to say that her husband has lost his appetite for sex. The doctor says, "Well, I really need to examine him, I can't diagnose anything without him being here." The woman says, "Oh, but doctor, there's no way I'll ever get him to come and see you - he refuses to accept that he has a problem!" The doctor says, "Well, it's unethical but there are some new tablets that are being trialled. If it got back to the Medical Council that I had issued these to you without your husband's knowledge I'd be struck off. So keep quiet about this!" And he gives her a small bottle of pills. "Come back in a week and tell me how things went." A week later the woman comes back. The doctor asks her, "Are you happy with the results?" "Well, yes and no," she says. "I knew he would refuse to take any tablets because he doesn't think he has a problem, so when he wasn't looking I popped one into his coffee. He drank it then got a funny look on his face, then he grabbed me by the wrist, pushed me face down onto the table, ripped off my knickers and did me doggy-style." "Sounds like they had the desired effect," says the doctor. "But you say you're not entirely happy?" "Well, no," says the woman. "We're now barred from every Starbucks in the world."

I trust that the football club immediately disassociated themselves from such a libellous statement, implying that the Aberdeen fans were off to commit acts of bestiality. After all, if they didn't, it would give the impression that they condoned such things.

Which comic actor from the past does that remind you of? W.C. Fields.

I thought the expression was 'Friend of Dorothy'...