Out of the mouth of babes...

[itzdrk]

troons bendy trees are fantastic couple mates live up that way

[Al B]

She thought the lead singer of the Rolling Stones was "McJagger" (she thought he just went by his surname or it was a nickname a la Bono & Sting).

Just reminded me of one on a similar note from my current girlfriend. I got a text from my her while she was at work a while back that said "What was the name of that song by Racastly?", to which I replied "what do you mean?", and she said "Racastly, I know they had a few songs but what was the main one?". I then said "I genuinely have no idea who you're talking about? How long ago roughly?", and she text back "aw never mind, it doesn't matter".

I see her that night and ask, did you find out what that song was? Sorry I couldn't help but i've never heard of them. And she said, aw yeah it's the one that goes "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you....."

My ex-girlfriend was amazing with this stuff though, to this day some of her ridiculousness still makes me laugh and it's great for a few stories. Just a few examples off the top of my head:-

She thought that only the ones that went up were called escalators, and the the ones that went down were called downscalators.

She thought that Bill Cosby sang White Christmas.

She thought that Stephen Hawking was a skateboarder.

Whitney Houston was on TV and my mum asked "Do you know who her Aunty is?" and she quick as a flash said "Yeah Bette Midler"

When watching the football she asked why two players had the same name on their back and I said "One's Andy Cole and the other is Joe Cole". To which she said "oh...are they brothers?" I said "Eh? One's white and one's black...", "Yeah but their mum could have been white and their dad could have been black?"

She found out at the age of 26 that Holland and The Netherlands was the same place, and that "The Netherlands" wasn't Holland, Belgium, Norway, Sweden and, bizarrely...Iceland.

She has an Honours Degree in Geography.

When we were getting Sky installed, the engineer was cleaning up but hadn't yet put the little plastic stopper around the cable where it goes through the wall to neaten it up, so there was a bit of a hole left, and she said to him "will you be able to block that up in case of monsters?". Guy just looks at her. "I meant spiders...."

Getting her clothes ready for work the next day, her black trousers were covered in white cat-hair, and she's sitting trying to pick it all off. I said to her to wrap a bit of sellotape round her hand, dab it across them and it will lift the cat hair off, and then I go up for a shower. I then come down from my shower to find her sitting in the middle of the living room floor, with her cat-hair covered trousers in a heap in front of her, looking at her hand which is completely wrapped in about half a roll of sellotape. Sticky side inward.

And a quick one to finish off - "Are penguins made out of wetsuit material?"

Edited September 18, 2011 by Al B

[Pink Freud]

"she has an honours degree in Geography. "

She sounds fucking brilliant!

[Al B]

6 years of genuine entertainment mate. Also, started a new job with Fergusson Coal, and left that lunchtime by mutual agreement, after spending 3 hours answering the phone with "Hello, Henderson Coal".

[kiwififer]

Building a bookcase from IKEA and the missus goes 'can you do the hammering, as I'm only good at screwing'.

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

Building a bookcase from IKEA and the missus goes 'can you do the hammering, as I'm only good at screwing'.

OK.

Ooer.

[Andy Dufresne]

Building a bookcase from IKEA and the missus goes 'can you do the hammering, as I'm only good at screwing'.

Fnnarrr Fnnarrr

[weirdcal]

arriving home in the car at the same time. just parking. she turns to me.. 'has the bin been emptied?'

wondering what i have ? x-ray vision or psychic powers

[RCR]

arriving home in the car at the same time. just parking. she turns to me.. 'has the bin been emptied?'

wondering what i have ? x-ray vision or psychic powers

Is that not just code for "take in the bin"?

[Skyline Drifter]

arriving home in the car at the same time. just parking. she turns to me.. 'has the bin been emptied?'

wondering what i have ? x-ray vision or psychic powers

Wouldn't it be obvious whether they've moved it or not? I'd know whether mine had been emptied by its position.

[11thHour]

The missus hasn't piped up with any crackers lately so here's a few of her greatest hits cause im bored.

On holiday, we meet up with two guys from Aberdeen, one of them has a kilt and a saltire tie on.

Vicki: Why are you wearing a kilt and a scotland flag tie?

Russell: Because im from Aberdeen

Vicki: Aye but is Aberdeen not in England?

Watching Rangers play Barcelona in CL

Vicki: Why are Rangers playing Barcelona?

Me: Because its the Champions League, teams can play other teams from Europe

Vicki: Aye but Barcelona is a country

Me: ...........w-what?

Vicki: Barcelona's a country is it not?

Playing Articulate with the Parentals

Vicki: Eh its cold, full of snow...eh....y'know really cold and windy, nobody lives there cause there's nothing but snow.

my mum: Eh North Pole, South Pole, Antarctic

Vicki: No, no, no

Eventually the round ends

My mum: What was that snow one where nobody lives

Vicki: Eh Poland!

Carrying boxes out of her flat

Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else.

Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me

Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them

Vicki stands there not knowing what to do

Me: Whit ye doin?!

Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!

Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX!

[11thHour]

And some more...

My missus was telling people about a drinking game she had done once

Vicki: So you say the name of a famous person and the next person has to think of another famous person who's first name starts with the first letter of the original famous persons last name, so if you say Andre Agassi the next person has to think of someone who's first name starts with G

Me: A you mean

Vicki: No G for Agassi

Cant mind how this conversation started

Vicki: Pirates arent real though

Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays

Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up

Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people

Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff?

Missus - "Y'know I didnt think that when looking at a menu and it said lamb that it came from lambs. And did you know that kebab meat is lamb?"

Me - "What?! Aye of course I knew this (well its debatable haha). Wait a minute...you said you don't like lamb have you ever tried it except from a kebab?"

Missus - "No but I tried a porkchop and I didn't like it so I know I wont like lamb..."

Me - "A porkchop comes from pigs"

Missus - "Does it? But I like bacon...."

The Missus: "So how close to England is T in the Park?

And the other day there she was meant to go to Whitburn and somehow ended up at Glasgow Airport, her excuse was that she "got on the wrong M8"

[11thHour]

last one...

Looking at portable DVD players the other day there, and I had already showed her the one I liked on my Argos app. So I told her it was a Panasonic and she sits next to me with the catalogue and goes "Panasonic...Panasonic....Panasonic. ..7 inch screen ye said?"

"aye"

"oh is that it there? The LG?"

Conversation was happening about the gun rampage in Norway and the missus' niece asks aloud what language do they speak in Norway so as if that wasn't good enough the missus pipes up with

"Duh, Swedish"

and we all look at her waiting for the cogs to start turning

"oh no, no its Dutch isnt it"

"See the cruise control on your car, does it steer for you?"

"Billy Connolys route 66?....what's that mean cause isn't route 66 food?"

[Peas n Gravy]

When bernard matthews died there was a headline which read "Turkey legend bernard matthews dies"

My gf said "bernard matthews....thats a strange name for a turkish guy"

That's quality

[mozam76]

Out for a late lunch with Mrs Mozam last Sunday, I said that we'd forgot to record Boardwalk Empire from the night before. No worries I said, it'll no doubt be on Sky Anytime.

"Will it be on tonight then? What time do we need to be home for?"

Fair enough she was firing into her second bottle of Pinot Grigio at the time, but still. Unacceptable.

[forehead7]

Good work 11th hour, i'm getting strange looks from people in the computer lab but its funny stuff

[11thHour]

Good work 11th hour, i'm getting strange looks from people in the computer lab but its funny stuff

Haha yeah she's come out with some crackers over the years. Gave me a few grey hairs at times but I love her for it

[weirdcal]

Is that not just code for "take in the bin"?

it was. but as our street is getting new parking spaces (to deal with swampy footballers who canny work the carpark that is now currently occupied by 2 yellow containers and a shit load of rubble, thus defeating the purpose) and the scaffies sometimes come the next day as they cant get past.

it really was one of those .. 'EH??' moments.

[LAGer]

My girlfriend thought Winston Churchill "was something to do with phones" and then tried to back up the statement by referring to the wee dog in the car insurance adverts. Not quite sure what was going on there.

Watching Two and a Half Men, she questioned how the Charlie character had become so wealthy. I said mainly through writing jingles for adverts and whatever, her response was "Aw, what does he do in real life?" Em...he's an actor.

I told her I was having Spanish chicken for my tea one night, to which she responded "do you even get chickens in Spain?"

I'm sure there's been a few more but I can't remember them.

[KnightswoodBear]

A few years ago my GF was on holiday in Spain with her pal. Scotland were playing at home and she knew I was at the game. We had won and McFadden had scored one of those infrequent belters that he was want to do.

She texts me asking how I enjoyed the game and who had scored. In my now inebriated state I sent back that we had won through a "Faddy wondergoal".

She was then convinced for months that Scotland had a player called Faddy Wondergoal (which she thought was a cracking name for a footballer) and always asked how he had played after the Scotland games.

Eventually when she asked it in company, I had to tell her the truth. Never forgiven me for that one.