Depression

[ayrmad]

38 minutes ago, Toma_BullyWee said:

It's a year ago today I woke up knowing full well that I planned on doing myself in that evening. It didn't exactly go to plan...

A year on things are actually worse and I have more or less given up on everything. To put it bluntly, I just can't be bothered. I have a son now and I swore to myself on the day he was born I wouldn't try anything silly again and now I just get guilt when the thought pops into my head. 

Ah well. Such is life. I'm here for the full shift but bloody hell it's boring. 

Can't tell you what to do but you really need to find things that float your boat and/or techniques that help reduce the boredom to an manageable level.

As someone who spent all my life from 14 to 38 consumed with gambling I'll never find anything in life(mariage,births,kids/grandkids achievemants etc) that give me anywhere near the same buzz, meditation played a huge part in me quieting my brain down.

Edited March 4, 2017 by ayrmad

[Toma_BullyWee]

12 minutes ago, ayrmad said:

Can't tell you what to do but you really need to find things that float your boat and/or techniques that help reduce the boredom to an manageable level.

As someone who spent all my life from 14 to 38 consumed with gambling I'll never find anything in life(mariage,births,kids/grandkids achievemants etc) that give me anywhere near the same buzz, meditation played a huge part in me quieting my brain down.

Music used to do it for me. I could get lost for hours, days even, just sitting with a guitar and recording. Unfortunately I find it hard to motivate myself to pick up the guitar unless I know I can sit and record whatever comes out and I can't do that at the moment because I'm in dire need of a PC upgrade, which is something I can't justify financially at the moment. 

Since my first back operation I spent the majority of my time tuned to the moon on co-codamol. I was quite open with the doctor after what happened last year and told him I stopped taking them for the pain quite early on and took them simply to feel something. He was good when I did actually need them for the pain after operation number 2 but quickly put a stop to my repeat prescription once it looked like I was back to my old tricks, and I was! The good thing is I was able to stop before an actual addiction could start, and was keen to stop that situation from arising, which is exactly why my doctor won't give me them these days. 

I'm often tempted to get a bag of grass, just for the fucking distraction, but I chucked the fags in November and don't want to risk it. 

[Dee Man]

5 minutes ago, Toma_BullyWee said:

Music used to do it for me. I could get lost for hours, days even, just sitting with a guitar and recording. Unfortunately I find it hard to motivate myself to pick up the guitar unless I know I can sit and record whatever comes out and I can't do that at the moment because I'm in dire need of a PC upgrade, which is something I can't justify financially at the moment. 

Since my first back operation I spent the majority of my time tuned to the moon on co-codamol. I was quite open with the doctor after what happened last year and told him I stopped taking them for the pain quite early on and took them simply to feel something. He was good when I did actually need them for the pain after operation number 2 but quickly put a stop to my repeat prescription once it looked like I was back to my old tricks, and I was! The good thing is I was able to stop before an actual addiction could start, and was keen to stop that situation from arising, which is exactly why my doctor won't give me them these days. 

I'm often tempted to get a bag of grass, just for the fucking distraction, but I chucked the fags in November and don't want to risk it. 

You could eat a bit of hash.

[Toma_BullyWee]

Just now, Dee Man said:

You could eat a bit of hash.

A piece n hash!

I was never one for doing anything other than smoking it. I just find smoking in general relaxing. 

[Theo Snelders]

1 hour ago, Toma_BullyWee said:

Music used to do it for me. I could get lost for hours, days even, just sitting with a guitar and recording. Unfortunately I find it hard to motivate myself to pick up the guitar unless I know I can sit and record whatever comes out and I can't do that at the moment because I'm in dire need of a PC upgrade, which is something I can't justify financially at the moment. 

Since my first back operation I spent the majority of my time tuned to the moon on co-codamol. I was quite open with the doctor after what happened last year and told him I stopped taking them for the pain quite early on and took them simply to feel something. He was good when I did actually need them for the pain after operation number 2 but quickly put a stop to my repeat prescription once it looked like I was back to my old tricks, and I was! The good thing is I was able to stop before an actual addiction could start, and was keen to stop that situation from arising, which is exactly why my doctor won't give me them these days. 

I'm often tempted to get a bag of grass, just for the fucking distraction, but I chucked the fags in November and don't want to risk it. 

You said earlier your GP had referred you for a few things- did you get referred to see a psychologist or for any psychological treatment?

I don't know if you've tried this, so apologies if you have, but behavioural activation sometimes works. The basic premise is to set yourself 1-2 tasks a day, something managable (playing your guitar, say). If you can no longer be bothered after five minutes, just stop and try again the next day. Obviously if you find yourself getting enjoyment out of it keep going. The key is not to wait until you feel motivated or it won't get done. It sounds easy but it's not when your lack of motivation is all consuming. Regarding the PC upgrade. I hear what you say about money- but can you afford not to if it's something that might give you a much needed boost and seems to have provided genuine pleasure in the past?

[Toma_BullyWee]

28 minutes ago, Theo Snelders said:

You said earlier your GP had referred you for a few things- did you get referred to see a psychologist or for any psychological treatment?

I don't know if you've tried this, so apologies if you have, but behavioural activation sometimes works. The basic premise is to set yourself 1-2 tasks a day, something managable (playing your guitar, say). If you can no longer be bothered after five minutes, just stop and try again the next day. Obviously if you find yourself getting enjoyment out of it keep going. The key is not to wait until you feel motivated or it won't get done. It sounds easy but it's not when your lack of motivation is all consuming. Regarding the PC upgrade. I hear what you say about money- but can you afford not to if it's something that might give you a much needed boost and seems to have provided genuine pleasure in the past?

I haven't had any follow ups in regards to referrals yet. If I haven't heard by next Friday I'm going to chase it up the following Monday. I haven't tried anything like that so it could be a shout. 

As for the PC situation, I could afford to, but I can't justify it. It's a case of looking at how much money it would cost then taking a step back and thinking what that amount of money could get the wean. I'm not up to date on prices PC wise but I'm certain the money would be better spent on him, especially with summer coming up. That money could be spent getting him his own wee mini play park at his grans back garden. 

I'll get around to it eventually, I just can't justify something like that for myself at the moment. 

[mjw]

It took me four months from a GP referral to an actual appointment with a therapist.
Its a shockingly long time to be waiting when you're head isn't right.

[Toma_BullyWee]

9 hours ago, mjw said:

It took me four months from a GP referral to an actual appointment with a therapist.
Its a shockingly long time to be waiting when you're head isn't right.

I was referred before and went weekly for a few months but it wasn't working. 

It was a student woman and although I did get on well with her I didn't really benefit from it. She was recording everything and I gave her some absolute corkers during our chats to the point she would laugh and say she won't be able to use that bit for her course. She asked plenty of times if it was okay to use some of our stuff in a class setting. It didn't bother me. It just didn't work and I felt like I was going back to say the same things every week. 

I also got referred for an autism assessment, which I found hilarious. My step son has autism, pretty severe autism at that, and it wasn't until she told me she wanted me assessed that I put two and two together. I to this day react the same way he does when things I can't control are happening, just on a massively smaller scale. It makes perfect sense. I never heard anything further and didn't bother chasing it up. If I have it then what? It won't change anything. I'm just happy at the realisation I may not be a massive p***k after all!

[Toma_BullyWee]

Oh! It's thereabouts a year to the minute since I tried to top myself. 

 

Weyhey!

[Theo Snelders]

16 hours ago, Toma_BullyWee said:

I haven't had any follow ups in regards to referrals yet. If I haven't heard by next Friday I'm going to chase it up the following Monday. I haven't tried anything like that so it could be a shout. 

As for the PC situation, I could afford to, but I can't justify it. It's a case of looking at how much money it would cost then taking a step back and thinking what that amount of money could get the wean. I'm not up to date on prices PC wise but I'm certain the money would be better spent on him, especially with summer coming up. That money could be spent getting him his own wee mini play park at his grans back garden. 

I'll get around to it eventually, I just can't justify something like that for myself at the moment. 

I understand about putting the child first, but you also need to look after yourself. Folk who are depressed tend to have their 'inner critic' (I know I do) telling them they don't deserve things, they are useless etc. You need to employ some self-compassion, which is not as easy as it sounds to be fair- but needs to be done. Even if it's something simple. You say you've not been to see your team for ages- why not go?

Regards the therapist- yeah I appreciate the long wait. I'm still waiting six months down the line and if I'd not paid to see a Psychiatrist privately would probably still be waiting for that yet. Obviously your decision, but I'd chase where they are up to and explain that your previous sessions weren't helpful. Reading your post- who got more out of the sessions? You or the student? To me, it doesn't sound like you did. The autism diagnosis- if you do have that condition, it may be helpful to factor that into therapy to help gain a greater understanding as to why you react in certain ways to certain things- you do touch on that above. Did you have depression prior to your surgery or did your first episode happen round about then?

Well, hopefully I'm not overstepping the mark and blethering stuff you already know. I've not met you and neither am I a psychologist, so hopefully that referral comes through for you soon. Hoping you have a better day today.

[johnny the jambo]

Oh! It's thereabouts a year to the minute since I tried to top myself. 
 
Weyhey!

Never met u mate, but glad ur still here!!

[The DA]

16 hours ago, Toma_BullyWee said:

Oh! It's thereabouts a year to the minute since I tried to top myself. 

 

Weyhey!

As JtJ says, glad you're still with us.  My dad did the same a few years back - paracetamol - but he's still with us and having a good time (I think - he says he is).

What was your trigger?  His was boredom and a real existentialist void.

[capybara]

Was out today and mum was wanting to buy my dad a new pullover, for the first time he said not much point I wont be around to wear it. So sad. I feel like I am living my life under a heavy blanket.  I have docs on Thurs , but I need to watch my drinking.

[D.A.F.C]

Feel really down about myself in the last few months, again its work that seems to be causing it.

Cant say too much but it feels like, and this sounds a bit para, that I'm being forced out. Been lied to and I feel lied about to others by people in power and depsite getting great reviews and feedback I hear some utter pish talked about my performance on a daily or at least weekly basis. Others do get it too but due to being a little outspoken and not accepting any toxic stuff I get it a lot more than most. It's become some sort of joke that I'm getting let go and the supervisor encourages others to play along. 

Despite finally getting a guide from hr sent to everyone it continues and I've documented it for six months. I've tried reasoning but I just get lied to and the supervisor is then using it to mess things up even more like discussing confidential appraisals or meetings.

A short list of abuse is: being called gay, a queer,racist, a WASP, a ned, aloof, too quiet, too noisy, too fat, too thin, working too hard, lazy, a snake, hitler, getting my door lock changed to lock me in from the outside, threatened with sack, getting pulled up for things others get away with, not being able to fight back without supervisor taking other side, getting abusive pics posted on Facebook, getting blocked on Facebook, getting dingied deliberately at breaktimes, sighing or eye rolling, being used or setup in triangulation arguements, being lied to during promotion interview, making noises at me to insinuate stuff or wind me up, new starts friendly then suddenly unfriendly.

I asked if there was anything I was doing wrong twice, totally blanked both times and I have it in writing yet within days it starts again. 

Have tried getting out but there's not much out there, part of me wants to find out what's behind it all. I do go on relentlessly about it  and have bored my family to tears with it but they're too nice to tell me to shut up. It doesn't get anywhere other than the same conclusion. The culture of the company is pretty Walter Mitty anyway and any negative stuff is kept hidden from the top brass. 

Other than taking care of myself and keeping up a shield I feel a bit trapped. Every day my work is on par or better than anyone else's, we get measured constantly, I'm at a total loss as to what I've done wrong but feel like every day there's something bad going to happen, this can't be good for my health.

If people are going to be so sneaky and two faced there's little you can do?

[Toma_BullyWee]

On 3/5/2017 at 06:15, Theo Snelders said:

I understand about putting the child first, but you also need to look after yourself. Folk who are depressed tend to have their 'inner critic' (I know I do) telling them they don't deserve things, they are useless etc. You need to employ some self-compassion, which is not as easy as it sounds to be fair- but needs to be done. Even if it's something simple. You say you've not been to see your team for ages- why not go?

Regards the therapist- yeah I appreciate the long wait. I'm still waiting six months down the line and if I'd not paid to see a Psychiatrist privately would probably still be waiting for that yet. Obviously your decision, but I'd chase where they are up to and explain that your previous sessions weren't helpful. Reading your post- who got more out of the sessions? You or the student? To me, it doesn't sound like you did. The autism diagnosis- if you do have that condition, it may be helpful to factor that into therapy to help gain a greater understanding as to why you react in certain ways to certain things- you do touch on that above. Did you have depression prior to your surgery or did your first episode happen round about then?

I went to the cup replay against Ayr. Awful, but I did enjoy it. I plan to get to more towards the end of the season when the decent weather arrives. Hopefully that can give me a kick to get back. I do miss it, awful football aside. I have been depressed on and off since I was about 15. It didn't really bother me back then and I had hundreds of other things going on to distract me. The surgery was a real kicker because I despise being idle, and I had no choice. I was limited to walking the weans to and from school. That's about all I could manage with all the painkillers I was on. I was a zombie. Because I had recently changed jobs I stopped seeing pals that I would see every day (we worked together) and would drink with every other night, even if it was only a pint as the shift ended. 

Since then I lost touch with most people and my personality change is quite drastic. I was always very, how do i put it - out there. I used to do little comedy skits and for a while got a wee bit of momentum behind me which should have pushed me to push myself further. I didn't though. I was quite happy working my shite job and enjoying myself when I could by just being around pals. I was never an attention seeker, but the thought of going back and doing the things I was doing doesn't appeal, which is sad. I get ideas and write them down, excitedly plotting how I would execute them, then this wee voice goes "mate, you're 30. That's a fucking riddy"

On 3/5/2017 at 16:47, The DA said:

As JtJ says, glad you're still with us.  My dad did the same a few years back - paracetamol - but he's still with us and having a good time (I think - he says he is).

What was your trigger?  His was boredom and a real existentialist void.

Pretty much that. But moving into a new job which I enjoyed, even though it was an awful job to be honest, but I liked it, then suddenly finding myself in my 20's having had back surgery and knowing almost instantly that I would need further surgery within a few years. I just wasn't enjoying myself. I'm still not, and I do still think about it but never with any serious intent. 

On 3/5/2017 at 17:58, capybara said:

Was out today and mum was wanting to buy my dad a new pullover, for the first time he said not much point I wont be around to wear it. So sad. I feel like I am living my life under a heavy blanket.  I have docs on Thurs , but I need to watch my drinking.

That's hard, man. I don't have any advice but wish you well. 

9 minutes ago, D.A.F.C said:

Other than taking care of myself and keeping up a shield I feel a bit trapped. Every day my work is on par or better than anyone else's, we get measured constantly, I'm at a total loss as to what I've done wrong but feel like every day there's something bad going to happen, this can't be good for my health.

If people are going to be so sneaky and two faced there's little you can do?

Surely if you have documented everything and with a little bit of proof you can take it further up? Only advice I can offer is if you can afford a month or two out of a job just cut ties. It sounds like a toxic atmosphere and from personal experience I wouldn't recommend cornering yourself like that. 

[EdgarusQPFC]

Had a confirmed diagnosis of Agoraphobia by my GP today, i was pretty certain i had it either way. To start i have been given relatively quick acting anti-anxiety tablets to take or keep with me if needed when im going outside. See if they help me relax and get past it. Feels good in a sense to at least have my suspicions confirmed. 

[NorthernJambo]

Had a confirmed diagnosis of Agoraphobia by my GP today, i was pretty certain i had it either way. To start i have been given relatively quick acting anti-anxiety tablets to take or keep with me if needed when im going outside. See if they help me relax and get past it. Feels good in a sense to at least have my suspicions confirmed. 

Good to get a diagnosis and some medication which will hopefully help!

[Allan Jacobsen]

On 3/6/2017 at 20:00, Toma_BullyWee said:

Since then I lost touch with most people and my personality change is quite drastic. I was always very, how do i put it - out there. I used to do little comedy skits and for a while got a wee bit of momentum behind me which should have pushed me to push myself further. I didn't though. I was quite happy working my shite job and enjoying myself when I could by just being around pals. I was never an attention seeker, but the thought of going back and doing the things I was doing doesn't appeal, which is sad. I get ideas and write them down, excitedly plotting how I would execute them, then this wee voice goes "mate, you're 30. That's a fucking riddy"

Sod that, I'm 30 and I'm planning on working in Italy for the summer if I can afford it. If your ideas (as long as they're legal, of course) give you excitement then what's the problem? I do understand what you're saying though. Far too much pandering to people to please them, rather than pleasing yourself (insert Kenneth Williams pic here). Is it partly down to you being a father? I'm also much the same. I left Aberdeen after 20 years and now live just outside Glasgow. It's a struggle to make new friends when you're 30 and all that. I've turned into a bit of an insufferable arsehole.

Also, I remember seeing your Olly Murs skit (if it is you). I enjoyed it. Mind you, I secretly quite like Olly Murs so...

*edit* linked to your avatar, Sooty is a tremendous programme. Sweep is the business.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Allan Jacobsen

[Cerberus]

17 minutes ago, EdgarusQPFC said:

Had a confirmed diagnosis of Agoraphobia by my GP today, i was pretty certain i had it either way. To start i have been given relatively quick acting anti-anxiety tablets to take or keep with me if needed when im going outside. See if they help me relax and get past it. Feels good in a sense to at least have my suspicions confirmed. 

Sorry to hear that mate.

Hopefully the tablets make the difference.

[NorthernJambo]

@Toma_BullyWee
Tell that wee voice to go f**k itself! Even if acting them out doesn't appeal to you, keep writing them down and get a laugh from the imagery. I always imagine wee sketches and scenarios in my head but I can't stick them down in words to portray the scene I have in mind. Even if they never see the light of day, just enjoy writing them.