Depression

[Toma_BullyWee]

On 1/13/2017 at 20:05, Adam said:

Been debating whether to post this or not recently.

I feel so down and worthless. My marriage broke down about seven months ago. I knew things weren't going well, but I didn't take it that well. I moved out five months ago, rented a nice flat literally a two minute walk from my old house, so very close by for my kids and obviously still see them loads as a result. They love to stay at my house and have taken the family split much better than I anticipated really. I'm also getting on with my ex much better than I was when we were together.

I was dating a girl recently, probably the nicest, most thoughtful and understanding person I have ever met, but it was quite full on fairly early (neither of our faults really, we got swept up quite quickly), I thought it was going too fast and, if I'm honest with myself, I was terrified of getting to a stage where we maybe considered moving in together, and it breaking down and ending up back at square one, so I ended it as I don't think I could go through it again.

I sometimes can't help but feel that I've totally fucked my life. I can't see me ever owning a house, I basically live from one wage to the next and after my last two relationships, I genuinely doubt I will ever be with someone and be able to trust them.

I've got a pretty good job, I earn enough that I can afford to live on my own in a nice house with my children and have some money to spend on a night out or whatever. I know that there are people in situations that are a million times worse than mine, so instantly I feel guilty that I am upset and angry at how my life has turned out.

Two days after NY I was walking to the bus stop after working an overtime shift at work, nothing bad had happened that day, and I, very rationally, was talking to myself about how I could throw myself in front of a bus and be done with it. I've felt pretty terrible in the past, as it has been a massive change in my life in the last twelve months, but it was only when I got home and made some dinner that it frightened me how rational and accepting I had been that I could have killed myself, and how I was quite happy at the thought of not being alive anymore.

I have terrible trouble sleeping at night. Even with sleeping tablets from my Doctor I am lucky if I get four hours in total. I have started going for walks, both when I have the kids and when I don't, I try my best to do anything but sit in the house, drinking tea or beer and feeling sorry for myself, keeping active etc... but I still really struggle to sleep. I have terrible nightmares, recurring ones in which I do awful, terrible things, and that worries me about sleeping at night.

It's just been a shanner of a year really.

Snap. 

In 2014 after one particularly horrendous shift which included me being threatened with numerous stabbings I decided I was chucking my shitey pub job. I was quite happy and took an equally shitty office job, but the hours were better and the pay was much better. A few months into it an abscess I had issues with for many a year flared up and after taking a pretty brutal kick to the tail bone during a game of fives the abscess ballooned. It was like a tennis ball sticking out of my back. I ended up getting surgery within a week which resulted in months out of work. At first my new employers were alright with it. My wages went down as a result and daft arse here ended up in debt to try and offset the balance. As soon as I had the operation the depression set in (I've been depressed since I was around 15) and I just went into my shell. I don't deal well with inactivity, and I hate being out of work. My girlfriend and I split up due to me not telling her about the hole I got myself into with the debt, and sure enough I was back at my old shitey pub job under the illusion that when one member of staff left (he was actively looking) I would get his managers gig. I didn't. 

Still, I wasn't working and was unable to go back to office work due to my back, but I needed the job. The operation didn't work and I was given a follow up appointment 6 months down the line. Working again helped me get back to my usual self, and my girlfriend and I sorted things out. Everything was good and out of the blue she was pregnant, which considering the circumstances should have been almost impossible. It was a good thing. 

Fast forward to March last year and I was looking at my life. I was 29, quickly approaching 30 working a shite job for shite pay and seemingly in the rut I was in for the previous 6 years. "At least you have a wage coming in", I kept telling myself. I had had enough and made some plans. A friend of mine lost his Dad and the funeral was going to be full of people I had lost touch with during my dodgy phase the previous year. I was at my lowest point and genuinely couldn't see how I could be a positive influence on a child. He would be better off having met me, as far as I was concerned. At least I couldn't disappoint him like I have everyone else. 

The day of the funeral came and I had everything I needed. I was on a few prescriptions for my back and anti-depressants. I got nice and pissed, enjoyed the company of people I had missed and said my goodbyes. I went to my mums house as I knew she wouldn't be there (her and her partner have different houses. Living the dream) so I loaded up and went to sleep. Over 50 pills I counted as I washed them down 10 at a time. Then I woke up. 

My alarm was set for work. I looked around and then it really hit home. I fucking fucked it. Again. I even fucked this up. I went to the shop to get fags then headed home before getting ready for work then I started to feel funny. Obviously what I had taken was still working away in the background and I was in a considerable amount of pain. I worked up the courage and called a few people. Told my mate I wouldn't be at work to see if he could sort cover and let him know what happened. I let my mum know. I was in hospital for a few days on a drip then was let out. My girlfriend came to hospital on the second day when she found out what happened. We went home and I still felt awful, terrible for her, and very embarrassed. Soon I started to feel a bit better, but this was really only because my son was due imminently. 

When he was born it helped mask some feelings, but they were all still there. They still are. The only difference is I won't act on them now (as far as I can tell, anyway) because I can see he does benefit from having me. My girlfriend and I split up last year. It was my doing. It wasn't working and I didn't want to raise him in an atmosphere which could become toxic. When I was ready to go back to work I made the calls and was put on the next rota. Then I was taken off it. I still don't have any explanation but I had other things to worry about. The abscess was back again. I had moved into my mums house because she is rarely there, but being 30 years old living in the bedroom you spent your teenage years in is depressing in itself. I spent my 30th birthday alone. I had my pre-op that day, so that helped. I was then booked in for surgery a few days later. The op was successful and there are no further problems other than a massive scar on my back and nerve endings damaged, so my lower back is numb. Except under the skin. I can feel the itch but can't get to it. 

I'm still not working. Still feel absolutely awful and have been referred by my GP for a few things. I need out of this house and my own place, but financially that just simply isn't possible. My ex girlfriend and I are on good terms now and I can't honestly rule anything in or out in that department. I see my son every day and am always welcome to have him overnight. It doesn't change the fact that everything is still shite. 

I only speak to a few people now. Maybe 4 or 5 friends in total other than the odd Twitter interaction. I sacked Facebook because someone at my old job couldn't keep their mouth shut and within a few days of my "incident" every customer in the fucking pub knew about it. I was getting texts from punters asking what happened. I mean, fuck sake. Come on. I quite like closing off my social circle although I know it won't last. I have a stag do later this year with the wedding following it, at which I'll be the best man. I can't exactly not go. So I know I will see these people, but I'm very happy not seeing them right now. 

I'm not entirely sure what this post is going to achieve, but there you go. It's out there. 

Maybe it's just a Clyde thing. 

[Bully Wee Villa]

Just been reading through a few of these and wish I was clever enough to offer constructive and helpful feedback. There are some very brave people posting on here though and I hope you all get what you want in life.

[cowden0]

I have had a great week,i have not let things get to me and just went into work and thought FUCK IT.My wife has been amazing with me and just holding me at night when I feel down.

Great to hear you had a good week. Onwards and upwards lad. You appear to have a gem of a wife, but most of the credit must go to you as only you can change things. So glad you're moving forward.

[Adam]

Snap. 
In 2014 after one particularly horrendous shift which included me being threatened with numerous stabbings I decided I was chucking my shitey pub job. I was quite happy and took an equally shitty office job, but the hours were better and the pay was much better. A few months into it an abscess I had issues with for many a year flared up and after taking a pretty brutal kick to the tail bone during a game of fives the abscess ballooned. It was like a tennis ball sticking out of my back. I ended up getting surgery within a week which resulted in months out of work. At first my new employers were alright with it. My wages went down as a result and daft arse here ended up in debt to try and offset the balance. As soon as I had the operation the depression set in (I've been depressed since I was around 15) and I just went into my shell. I don't deal well with inactivity, and I hate being out of work. My girlfriend and I split up due to me not telling her about the hole I got myself into with the debt, and sure enough I was back at my old shitey pub job under the illusion that when one member of staff left (he was actively looking) I would get his managers gig. I didn't. 
Still, I wasn't working and was unable to go back to office work due to my back, but I needed the job. The operation didn't work and I was given a follow up appointment 6 months down the line. Working again helped me get back to my usual self, and my girlfriend and I sorted things out. Everything was good and out of the blue she was pregnant, which considering the circumstances should have been almost impossible. It was a good thing. 
Fast forward to March last year and I was looking at my life. I was 29, quickly approaching 30 working a shite job for shite pay and seemingly in the rut I was in for the previous 6 years. "At least you have a wage coming in", I kept telling myself. I had had enough and made some plans. A friend of mine lost his Dad and the funeral was going to be full of people I had lost touch with during my dodgy phase the previous year. I was at my lowest point and genuinely couldn't see how I could be a positive influence on a child. He would be better off having met me, as far as I was concerned. At least I couldn't disappoint him like I have everyone else. 
The day of the funeral came and I had everything I needed. I was on a few prescriptions for my back and anti-depressants. I got nice and pissed, enjoyed the company of people I had missed and said my goodbyes. I went to my mums house as I knew she wouldn't be there (her and her partner have different houses. Living the dream) so I loaded up and went to sleep. Over 50 pills I counted as I washed them down 10 at a time. Then I woke up. 
My alarm was set for work. I looked around and then it really hit home. I fucking fucked it. Again. I even fucked this up. I went to the shop to get fags then headed home before getting ready for work then I started to feel funny. Obviously what I had taken was still working away in the background and I was in a considerable amount of pain. I worked up the courage and called a few people. Told my mate I wouldn't be at work to see if he could sort cover and let him know what happened. I let my mum know. I was in hospital for a few days on a drip then was let out. My girlfriend came to hospital on the second day when she found out what happened. We went home and I still felt awful, terrible for her, and very embarrassed. Soon I started to feel a bit better, but this was really only because my son was due imminently. 
When he was born it helped mask some feelings, but they were all still there. They still are. The only difference is I won't act on them now (as far as I can tell, anyway) because I can see he does benefit from having me. My girlfriend and I split up last year. It was my doing. It wasn't working and I didn't want to raise him in an atmosphere which could become toxic. When I was ready to go back to work I made the calls and was put on the next rota. Then I was taken off it. I still don't have any explanation but I had other things to worry about. The abscess was back again. I had moved into my mums house because she is rarely there, but being 30 years old living in the bedroom you spent your teenage years in is depressing in itself. I spent my 30th birthday alone. I had my pre-op that day, so that helped. I was then booked in for surgery a few days later. The op was successful and there are no further problems other than a massive scar on my back and nerve endings damaged, so my lower back is numb. Except under the skin. I can feel the itch but can't get to it. 
I'm still not working. Still feel absolutely awful and have been referred by my GP for a few things. I need out of this house and my own place, but financially that just simply isn't possible. My ex girlfriend and I are on good terms now and I can't honestly rule anything in or out in that department. I see my son every day and am always welcome to have him overnight. It doesn't change the fact that everything is still shite. 
I only speak to a few people now. Maybe 4 or 5 friends in total other than the odd Twitter interaction. I sacked Facebook because someone at my old job couldn't keep their mouth shut and within a few days of my "incident" every customer in the fucking pub knew about it. I was getting texts from punters asking what happened. I mean, fuck sake. Come on. I quite like closing off my social circle although I know it won't last. I have a stag do later this year with the wedding following it, at which I'll be the best man. I can't exactly not go. So I know I will see these people, but I'm very happy not seeing them right now. 
I'm not entirely sure what this post is going to achieve, but there you go. It's out there. 
Maybe it's just a Clyde thing. 

Sorry to read that mate, know that it isn't easy. Glad you're still on speaking terms with your ex, and can see your lad whenever you like, that isn't always possible when you split up.

If you ever want a chat, or to meet for a beer or whatever mate, give me a shout.

I went to the Doctor last month, really needed to. Got some tablets and was signed off work for a couple of weeks. Feeling much better about life in general now.

[ayrmad]

51 minutes ago, Adam said:

 

Sorry to read that mate, know that it isn't easy. Glad you're still on speaking terms with your ex, and can see your lad whenever you like, that isn't always possible when you split up.

If you ever want a chat, or to meet for a beer or whatever mate, give me a shout.

I went to the Doctor last month, really needed to. Got some tablets and was signed off work for a couple of weeks. Feeling much better about life in general now.

 

Good to hear, perhaps you and Toma should keep away from Broadwood for a wee bit, we need the patience of a saint when we're the supporter of a diddy team.

[Toma_BullyWee]

1 hour ago, Adam said:

 

Sorry to read that mate, know that it isn't easy. Glad you're still on speaking terms with your ex, and can see your lad whenever you like, that isn't always possible when you split up.

If you ever want a chat, or to meet for a beer or whatever mate, give me a shout.

I went to the Doctor last month, really needed to. Got some tablets and was signed off work for a couple of weeks. Feeling much better about life in general now.

 

That could be a good shout, that. 

Spoke too soon regarding ex. Big fallout today and lawyers mentioned. I'll just need to see how this plays out. On the walk up the road all the old feeling came rushing back when I was trying to imagine what the future would look like, but I've calmed down now. 

44 minutes ago, ayrmad said:

Good to hear, perhaps you and Toma should keep away from Broadwood for a wee bit, we need the patience of a saint when we're the supporter of a diddy team.

I haven't been in a long time. Who knows how bad I would be if I was there every week!

[heedthebaa]

On 10/02/2017 at 23:00, keithgy said:

I have had a great week,i have not let things get to me and just went into work and thought FUCK IT.My wife has been amazing with me and just holding me at night when I feel down.

Good to hear. 

When my demons come out to create havoc, the wife kicks into gear and sorts me out, she's some wuman so she is

[capybara]

My dads cancers is still really had to handle. My Doc has upped my anti depressants ,but I struggle to sleep. I have some tab from my Doc but the will be stopped as they are addictive.

I am worried that I am drinking too much, and money is tight. Still I have some great support. Tough times.

[Scary Bear]

My dads cancers is still really had to handle. My Doc has upped my anti depressants ,but I struggle to sleep. I have some tab from my Doc but the will be stopped as they are addictive.
I am worried that I am drinking too much, and money is tight. Still I have some great support. Tough times.

Sounds like your are having a time of it. Just got to keep going. Hopefully your situation improves with time.

[Theo Snelders]

1 hour ago, capybara said:

My dads cancers is still really had to handle. My Doc has upped my anti depressants ,but I struggle to sleep. I have some tab from my Doc but the will be stopped as they are addictive.

I am worried that I am drinking too much, and money is tight. Still I have some great support. Tough times.

Can the MacMillan nurses give you some advice about sleep hygiene- they are there to help you too. Hope things go as well as they can for you and your Dad

[capybara]

Can the MacMillan nurses give you some advice about sleep hygiene- they are there to help you too. Hope things go as well as they can for you and your Dad

MacMillan and District Nurse have been great. It is inclusive. They are looking after all of us. We are getting some benifits now as well. Some days I cope better than others. Monday I am a mess.

[EdgarusQPFC]

Another quick update. 

Have signed up with weight watchers as my gym sessions weren't helping much because my diet hasn't changed. 2 days in and im simply entering what i eat each day and noting it online trying to keep myself under the target and going for walks to meet the required exercise target. The going for walks could be tricky as i was diagnosed with Agoraphobia a while back and while it comes and goes its been creeping up plenty lately, i barely leave the house these days and have even went full weeks without stepping outside. Hopefully the weekly meetings with WW and walks for my daily exercise will help with this. 

Stopped going to my one to one sessions a while back as i didnt find them to be helpful anymore and thats why i decided to try the gym instead, see if i could build confidence by getting healthy, i have signed up for a group CBT course beginning next month. 

[NorthernJambo]

Another quick update. 

Have signed up with weight watchers as my gym sessions weren't helping much because my diet hasn't changed. 2 days in and im simply entering what i eat each day and noting it online trying to keep myself under the target and going for walks to meet the required exercise target. The going for walks could be tricky as i was diagnosed with Agoraphobia a while back and while it comes and goes its been creeping up plenty lately, i barely leave the house these days and have even went full weeks without stepping outside. Hopefully the weekly meetings with WW and walks for my daily exercise will help with this. 

Stopped going to my one to one sessions a while back as i didnt find them to be helpful anymore and thats why i decided to try the gym instead, see if i could build confidence by getting healthy, i have signed up for a group CBT course beginning next month. 

Good you're trying different things and giving up things that weren't working - much better than just keeping on with it knowing it's not helping/for you. Sounds like you're going about things really positively, much more so than i do so well done you for that.
I'm far more likely to be annoyed by various things but not actively do anything to fix it even though it's in my control.

[trainspotter]

On ‎21‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 19:03, capybara said:

MacMillan and District Nurse have been great. It is inclusive. They are looking after all of us. We are getting some benifits now as well. Some days I cope better than others. Monday I am a mess.

My Mum's last few years were spent suffering from an incurable lung disease requiring a progressively higher level of care. I struggled to cope at times and had more than a few meltdowns at life in general, but looking back I don't think there's any shame in that. Far better than bottling it up. Nurses and carers do a great job, without knowing too much about your circumstances try and share the simple stuff with your Dad where possible. Watching telly, having a cuppa etc.

Keep it together the best you can and you'll get through this.

[capybara]

My Mum's last few years were spent suffering from an incurable lung disease requiring a progressively higher level of care. I struggled to cope at times and had more than a few meltdowns at life in general, but looking back I don't think there's any shame in that. Far better than bottling it up. Nurses and carers do a great job, without knowing too much about your circumstances try and share the simple stuff with your Dad where possible. Watching telly, having a cuppa etc.
Keep it together the best you can and you'll get through this.

I am with them a lot these days. Money us tight although we are getting some help at last. I find it hard to motivate myself and as I said before I find sleeping very hard even though I am tired. But there is so much support. And I really appreciate the posts from all on here. Thanks

[Theo Snelders]

I got back to work this week on a graded return after a long time off- very tough. Got to keep focussed and keep going though. Here's hoping it works out in the end. My boss is being really good with me.

@capybara hope you are managing to get some sleep now. No sleep is hellish- I keep waking up with nightmares. Although our circumstances are different, it definately takes it's toll. Take care.

 

[capybara]

Mum had a mild heart attack last night so things seem to spiral out of control. As usual NHS great but I do wonder what is next...

[Bully Wee Villa]

Sorry to hear that, best wishes.

[NorthernJambo]

Sorry to hear capybara! Hopefully a full and speedy recovery for your old dear. Can't be easy but try and keep your head up mate, you'll come through the other side

[Toma_BullyWee]

It's a year ago today I woke up knowing full well that I planned on doing myself in that evening. It didn't exactly go to plan...

A year on things are actually worse and I have more or less given up on everything. To put it bluntly, I just can't be bothered. I have a son now and I swore to myself on the day he was born I wouldn't try anything silly again and now I just get guilt when the thought pops into my head. 

Ah well. Such is life. I'm here for the full shift but bloody hell it's boring.