Depression

[Stellaboz]

Here is a tip for DA or anyone else not getting luck on dating sites. For a small fee I'll let you use me as a profile picture and the messages will fly in. PM me for more

[philpy]

I've felt shite for the last week. My best mate's brother passed away from cancer, he was only 30. I never made the time to go and see him and I'm riddled with guilt about that. I've lost family members over the years, but this has seemed to hit me harder, and I'm having some difficulty accepting that he has gone. Is it natural to feel this way, or am I being too hard on myself??

[buchan30]

I've felt shite for the last week. My best mate's brother passed away from cancer, he was only 30. I never made the time to go and see him and I'm riddled with guilt about that. I've lost family members over the years, but this has seemed to hit me harder, and I'm having some difficulty accepting that he has gone. Is it natural to feel this way, or am I being too hard on myself??

Yes it is natural, Especially given the young age of him as well. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

[Dons_1988]

@DA Baracus

I could post a TL;DR with regards to everything you've said but i think you've had a lot of good advice.

I obviously don't know you personally or your size or any of it but there's a lot of parallels I can draw with you in terms of my struggle with the weight and the impact it had on my mental health. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation in terms of what came first but the two definitely went hand in hand in any case.

If you want any advice on any of it don't hesitate to ask. The good news is when you achieve this it'll be one of the best things you'll ever do.

[NJ2]

I've felt shite for the last week. My best mate's brother passed away from cancer, he was only 30. I never made the time to go and see him and I'm riddled with guilt about that. I've lost family members over the years, but this has seemed to hit me harder, and I'm having some difficulty accepting that he has gone. Is it natural to feel this way, or am I being too hard on myself??

Sounds completely natural, philpy. Try not to be too hard on yourself mate.

[grazza]

Been a bit of a journey for myself.  Left my job last year after having saved enough to get by for a few months if needed.  The job I was in every other person in similar role had come and gone in time I had been there there. I quickly got a night shift job at amazon, in the warehouse. You are on your feet constantly and lot of lifting etc. After christmas there was less work so was getting texts few hours before to say I wasn't needed so was pretty frustration. Though in that time I enrolled in open uni degree part time if earning under 25k a year you get fees covered so would say to folks give it a go if you get the chance. 

I got another admin job for a month though was bit of a trek getting there on bus and would have soon had to start covering weekends.  I got called by a recruitment agency who I had previous been in to speak to before and they had another role for me. I was pretty loyal as had just started the job a couple weeks but they kept persisting even got a lift to the interview from them so not to interfere with my work too much. Managed to get that job and its Monday to Friday again and really no stress problem I'm having is getting enough work to do at the moment to be honest. 

Anyway point I'm trying to make is I took it heart that they kept persisting with me wanting me to interview for that job. Its good to feel valued even by someone you've only met professionally. So one small positive thing helped me build momentum. Starting open uni is good as employers like self starters that can manage workloads etc.  I go out walking nearly every night maybe about 2 hours or so.  Also I like to write a bit and not just for uni I started a blog couple weeks ago and put it on linkedin. It's basically my thoughts and examples of when I have achieved things and how I learned and need to learn and develop. With the platform I'm writing on it makes me need to be positive, optimistic and even self assertive at times. I try to have couple things ready a week or two ahead and a few things half written so I'm not pressured into writing something for sake of it but the weekly commitment makes me keep writing which is good for channeling my thoughts. 

I've been in Dundee couple years ago and staying with my partner and really other than her and her family I haven't got any friends here. The walking has helped me get to know the place better. Like doing things with my partner but would like to get more social.  Would be nice if I could have folk to go for pint or coffee with etc  At least career wise I'm starting to build up some contacts so even if temp contract doesn't last I think I should be okay and get something fairly quick but not take things for granted and try to appreciate any support and kindness that comes my way. Some weight loss with the walking which is great and I'm really getting less urge to eat crap except on maybe occasional bar meal every so often. 

 

 

[Stellaboz]

Get on the blower to DA, sounds like you could both benefit from a walk and some company.

[Dons_1988]

I've gratefully been generally free of this for the past 6 or 7 months but had a couple of dark days in the past week or so.

I've kept it at bay through working hard everyday with exercise, diet, appreciating the wife more and just generally trying to be the best version of myself I can be everyday.  The weight loss, the marathon training etc has improved my self esteem and confidence beyond belief but I've had a couple of days of late where I feel like I've let myself down. Whether it be drinking a bit too much and embarrassing myself or just letting my Mrs down.

I've not done anything earth shatteringly bad but I've fucking hammered myself for it. All the feelings of self loathing, fear and no confidence back in spades. It's a crushing millstone around my neck. I know how to solve it, I'll have a few good days to build the confidence back, get back into the routine etc but it's scary.

Sometimes I think the pressure I put on myself is great, it's driven me to (hopefully) a marathon and everything good recently, when I channel it the right way. But go back a year and it nearly broke me permanently, I was ready to chuck in the towel.  And it's clearly still there, waiting for me to f**k up.

Maybe it's just the case that from now until the end I will have to constantly fight this battle against it but it seems pretty exhausting.

[NJ2]

At least you’re channeling it the right way just now and appreciating that you haven’t done anything too out of order but yet hammered yourself for it. Hopefully it’ll be a case where you can appreciate it’s nothing too bad before you’re too hard on yourself.
Hope the marathon goes well! I managed 10 minutes on the treadmill last night (after 20 of cycling) before my knee started to hurt. Very frustrating but will get there.

[Dons_1988]

3 minutes ago, NJ2 said:

At least you’re channeling it the right way just now and appreciating that you haven’t done anything too out of order but yet hammered yourself for it. Hopefully it’ll be a case where you can appreciate it’s nothing too bad before you’re too hard on yourself.
Hope the marathon goes well! I managed 10 minutes on the treadmill last night (after 20 of cycling) before my knee started to hurt. Very frustrating but will get there.

Cheers. I probably should be grateful that I have the tools to cope and knowing I won't spiral off the back of this.

I maybe got a bit complacent and it's been chastening to have that intensity of feelings come back.

[RH33]

Like to share organisations others might find can help them

 

https://backonside.co.uk 

[Derry Alli]

I feel a massive fraud writing this here as I generally don't think I'm depressed but I don't know where else to put it. My life in general is manic 24/7 but that's my choice and I live by that. I was with a lassie for 6 year, it failed. 3 year apart me and her best mate got together for a year, she fell pregnant. Lost it. In between I'd went from coke heid to respectable guy. When lost it happened, she totally fucked off. Wouldn't answer phone, door nothing. I had nowhere to go but back on the gear (and here). I'm an absolute fucking mess and lassie from the start of the story got me to hers tonight, stupidly I went. She refused to answer and then messaged "f**k my mate, f**k you". 

I can't/won't go into things but I'm totally at a loss here and everything is just like it's piling up. I 100% know the powder won't help but it's my only remedy right now. I just need to vent.

Edit : in between I've phoned my mother for reasons I don't know to tell her about lost kid. I've been an absolute fucking state for three or four weeks now. 

Edited May 4, 2019 by Dele

[DA Baracus]

44 minutes ago, Dele said:

I feel a massive fraud writing this here as I generally don't think I'm depressed but I don't know where else to put it. My life in general is manic 24/7 but that's my choice and I live by that. I was with a lassie for 6 year, it failed. 3 year apart me and her best mate got together for a year, she fell pregnant. Lost it. In between I'd went from coke heid to respectable guy. When lost it happened, she totally fucked off. Wouldn't answer phone, door nothing. I had nowhere to go but back on the gear (and here). I'm an absolute fucking mess and lassie from the start of the story got me to hers tonight, stupidly I went. She refused to answer and then messaged "f**k my mate, f**k you". 

I can't/won't go into things but I'm totally at a loss here and everything is just like it's piling up. I 100% know the powder won't help but it's my only remedy right now. I just need to vent.

Edit : in between I've phoned my mother for reasons I don't know to tell her about lost kid. I've been an absolute fucking state for three or four weeks now. 

Shit, that sounds grim. Really sorry to hear that.

Where are you now? Can you maybe fire round to your mum's or a friend's place? Sounds like being alone won't be so great right for you right now.

The lassie from the start sounds a bit shit now. Might be best to try and forget her, although I get how hard that will be with the history you have with her.

You say everything is piling up. It sounds like everything has finally reached boiling point last night. That's a really sore one and I feel for you, but perhaps you could look at last night being the nadir and a point from which to stop, take a breath, then start trying to get help, because it sounds like that's what you need. See it as the low point, and that now the only way to go is up.

The issue over the lost kid is horrible, and something no one should have to experience. Sounds like that's haunting you and I would suggest talking to someone about it, be it your mum or a counsellor. You need to try and sort that in your mind, as it sounds like that's at the root of your issues and everything stems from there. Not easy to do of course.

The powder issue, as you've said yourself, is a coping mechanism. It would be easy to say stop, but difficult to do it. You could probably stop taking it for now, but until you resolve why you take it the temptation will be there.

Good move on calling your mum. You've said the hardest thing to her and now she knows she could help you, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on.

This place is good for venting so vent away! As always I'm up for taking a PM as well if you want.

[8MileBU]

I feel a massive fraud writing this here as I generally don't think I'm depressed but I don't know where else to put it. My life in general is manic 24/7 but that's my choice and I live by that. I was with a lassie for 6 year, it failed. 3 year apart me and her best mate got together for a year, she fell pregnant. Lost it. In between I'd went from coke heid to respectable guy. When lost it happened, she totally fucked off. Wouldn't answer phone, door nothing. I had nowhere to go but back on the gear (and here). I'm an absolute fucking mess and lassie from the start of the story got me to hers tonight, stupidly I went. She refused to answer and then messaged "f**k my mate, f**k you". 
I can't/won't go into things but I'm totally at a loss here and everything is just like it's piling up. I 100% know the powder won't help but it's my only remedy right now. I just need to vent.
Edit : in between I've phoned my mother for reasons I don't know to tell her about lost kid. I've been an absolute fucking state for three or four weeks now.

Been there myself only a few months ago. It’s brutal (especially when you’re past the 12 weeks) and I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever truly get over, so I totally get where you’re at. My drinking and weed smoking increased to a lot more than usual for the three or four weeks afterwards, albeit much of my self-medicating was late at night once the bairn/missus were in bed. However, the initial grief phase does pass and it does get easier even though it might not seem like it now. Feel free to DM if you ever want to talk.

[DA Baracus]

@Dele @8MileBU is the man to talk to. Please have a word with him via PM or on the phone.

[DA Baracus]

Yup, as G Man says, loads of us are on board! Fire along and smoke us!

[BigBo10]

Dele, easy for me to say as I’ve never touched it, but avoid the Bolivian marching powder if you can. Mate of mine had a notion for it and it made his down spells a hundred times worse when it wore off. Hope you can get things sorted.

[pittsburgh phil]

Dele, I've been in a very similar situation some years back and it's difficult but not impossible to get out of it. PM me if you want, happy to chat if that helps at all.

[Karpaty Lviv]

Right, here goes. As I personally know quite a few people off this site (and some who read this thread probably) this isn’t an easy post to make. 

For at least the past year I’ve been kidding myself on. I’m 26 and almost definitely an alcoholic. I tell myself I’m not because it’s a choice thing - usually after I finish work I’ll go for pints but I have almost zero self control. I can’t go for one or two then head home. I don’t NEED to drink, if you know what I mean. I don’t wake up in the morning and I’m shaking for one but honestly, I’m bored. I have almost zero responsibilities, I live with my mum, step dad and sister and pay modest rent. I work part time in a job that I love but can’t give me more hours. I went for promotion (for a full time position) a couple of months ago and didn’t get it - I was devastated. I’m both an emotional and non emotional person - at work I let it show - I was visibly pissed off when things weren’t going well but with family or friends I didn’t talk about it.

Anyway, and I don’t want to tag D.A Baracus because I don’t want to drag him into my problems but after reading his post a week or so ago, I see a lot of similar things. I don’t have that many people I would call friends, ugly as f**k and with almost zero chance of a girlfriend and I’m starting to seriously worry about my future. I work in childcare so I know I’d be a good, caring father which I would love more than anything in this world but at the moment I can’t see it happening.

All of this comes at a cost, and it’s with pay day loans. I fell into that trap when I was in my late teens when I was a late teenager which my mother bailed me out of (it makes it worse that if she found out I’ve done again it would finish me, especially because my dad fucked off a couple of years ago and won’t speak to me - separate issue). Working part time play into this as I finish at 6pm and I don’t start again until 3, so I end up drunk knowing full well I don’t have to get up early for work. 

I can’t wait for this season to finish so I can try and convince myself I don’t have to go out drinking but the truth is I’m bored with nothing to do - drinking gives me confidence I don’t have when I’m sober. I have Marfan syndrome so if I joined a gym it wouldn’t make a difference , my diet is terrible and it doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll always be a skinny ride. 

I don’t know what I hope to achieve by this post but for me it’s a first step towards telling myself, and actually taking note, that I’m depressed. I suppose my first step is my doctor but I haven’t seen him for years and I can’t afford to take time off work.

Cheers.

[Guest Moomintroll]

Right, here goes. As I personally know quite a few people off this site (and some who read this thread probably) this isn’t an easy post to make. 
For at least the past year I’ve been kidding myself on. I’m 26 and almost definitely an alcoholic. I tell myself I’m not because it’s a choice thing - usually after I finish work I’ll go for pints but I have almost zero self control. I can’t go for one or two then head home. I don’t NEED to drink, if you know what I mean. I don’t wake up in the morning and I’m shaking for one but honestly, I’m bored. I have almost zero responsibilities, I live with my mum, step dad and sister and pay modest rent. I work part time in a job that I love but can’t give me more hours. I went for promotion (for a full time position) a couple of months ago and didn’t get it - I was devastated. I’m both an emotional and non emotional person - at work I let it show - I was visibly pissed off when things weren’t going well but with family or friends I didn’t talk about it.
Anyway, and I don’t want to tag D.A Baracus because I don’t want to drag him into my problems but after reading his post a week or so ago, I see a lot of similar things. I don’t have that many people I would call friends, ugly as f**k and with almost zero chance of a girlfriend and I’m starting to seriously worry about my future. I work in childcare so I know I’d be a good, caring father which I would love more than anything in this world but at the moment I can’t see it happening.
All of this comes at a cost, and it’s with pay day loans. I fell into that trap when I was in my late teens when I was a late teenager which my mother bailed me out of (it makes it worse that if she found out I’ve done again it would finish me, especially because my dad fucked off a couple of years ago and won’t speak to me - separate issue). Working part time play into this as I finish at 6pm and I don’t start again until 3, so I end up drunk knowing full well I don’t have to get up early for work. 
I can’t wait for this season to finish so I can try and convince myself I don’t have to go out drinking but the truth is I’m bored with nothing to do - drinking gives me confidence I don’t have when I’m sober. I have Marfan syndrome so if I joined a gym it wouldn’t make a difference , my diet is terrible and it doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll always be a skinny ride. 
I don’t know what I hope to achieve by this post but for me it’s a first step towards telling myself, and actually taking note, that I’m depressed. I suppose my first step is my doctor but I haven’t seen him for years and I can’t afford to take time off work.
Cheers.

Mate, I am an alcoholic, it had taken me a long time to realise this but it was the truth. Get to your Doctor & get the information on your local substance abuse support group, they are people who have been there & will mentor & help you. It has helped me massively, I will never give it up completely but I no longer drink myself to sleep every night. Good luck.