Boghead ranter Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I've just been told that to improve communications between staff they have decided to bring back the company newsletter and include a new introductions section. As I am the newest employee I have to write a section telling everyone about myself with things like my background and what I like to get up to in my spare time. This would only be mildly annoying were it not for the fact that I'll look like a smarmy p***k that was desperate to be first person to do it and I'm sure the newsletter will get binned again when they realise nobody (including myself) cares about what I've done at college or my hobbies such as going to the pub or football. I'll just edit a paragraph from my CV and give them that. Your challenge is to make up a paragraph including as many corporate-speak phrases from this thread as you can. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobby Skidmarks Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) I've just been told that to improve communications between staff they have decided to bring back the company newsletter and include a new introductions section. As I am the newest employee I have to write a section telling everyone about myself with things like my background and what I like to get up to in my spare time. This would only be mildly annoying were it not for the fact that I'll look like a smarmy p***k that was desperate to be first person to do it and I'm sure the newsletter will get binned again when they realise nobody (including myself) cares about what I've done at college or my hobbies such as going to the pub or football. I'll just edit a paragraph from my CV and give them that. We had this at my old work and a guy said on his bio that he liked to spend his spare time photographing butterflies. I used to email him a screenshot of it on a regular basis to annoy him. Edited January 23, 2015 by Bobby Skidmarks 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocket95 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 "we'll stick that in now and see what comes out the washing machine later." Boss said this to a colleague I sit in the same room as earlier. Terrible business 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 "we'll stick that in now and see what comes out the washing machine later." Boss said this to a colleague I sit in the same room as earlier. Terrible business Unless you work in a launderette or one of them is called Daz then that is a punchable offense. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Easy Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Staff bios in newsletters are pretty common tbh, wouldn't worry about. A few sentences of background and maybe a mildly jokey line - emphasis on mildly, nothing too "I'm absolutely zany guys!!!!" - and you're fine. This was the most recent effort I received, if I was in charge they would have been sacked instantly I started with *Company Name* on the First day of December It is one date I’m sure to remember I got a chocolate treat in the shape of a Christmas reindeer Like Annie in the musical I’m singing “I’m sure I’ll like it here” My first week flew past quicker than a Scottish summer The sales system at first filled my head with wonder Invited to the Christmas party dancing on the ceiling Doing a Lionel and making new friends is such a great feeling Even Monday mornings and cold weather I have a huge smile I’m sure this smile will stay for a very long while Into my second week and the wind blows and snow starts to fall Please say “hi” if you see me my name is Firstname Gall 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florentine_Pogen Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Your challenge is to make up a paragraph including as many corporate-speak phrases from this thread as you can. http://www.johnsmurf.com/jargon.htm A wee starter for ten......................................... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Please say “hi” if you see me my name is Firstname Gall ^^^ Stupid Names for Kids thread for this pish On the plus side, at least the management team don't have to go to the hospital for colonoscopies with her around. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Tell them you're Supras and you ruin P&B. FTFY, for old times' sake. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 "We're not a frontline stakeholder" In English apparently it means it's got f**k all to do with us. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 When a manager comes out with 'there is a no blame culture in this organisation' you just know that some c**t is getting it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjc Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I used the phrase "lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater" in a meeting today. Apologies. I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. <<< Going for a shower now 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I used the phrase "lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater" in a meeting today. Apologies. I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. <<< Going for a shower now Don't take any babies. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandarilla Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I used the phrase "lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater" in a meeting today. Apologies. I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. <<< Going for a shower now That's hardly business / corporate speak. You're just an old-fashioned b*****d. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjc Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 That's hardly business / corporate speak. You're just an old-fashioned b*****d. How fcuking dare you?! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Half Rice Half Chips Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 "we'll stick that in now and see what comes out the washing machine later." Boss said this to a colleague I sit in the same room as earlier. Terrible business You should amend that slightly, for a situation where a problem needs to be cleaned up; "we'll stick that in the washing machine and see if the skidmarks come out" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEADOWXI Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 To go with Lean and Six Sigma; Apparently to resolve issues and deal with problems we should have 5 Why Meetings. Ask why something happened. The answer to that, you ask why again, and repeat. By the end of 5 Whys a resolution should have been reached................. By the end of 3 whys I want to reach for a gun. Watch out it could be coming to an office near you soon folks. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 To go with Lean and Six Sigma; Apparently to resolve issues and deal with problems we should have 5 Why Meetings. Ask why something happened. The answer to that, you ask why again, and repeat. By the end of 5 Whys a resolution should have been reached................. By the end of 3 whys I want to reach for a gun. Watch out it could be coming to an office near you soon folks. ^^^ Black Belt in Lean and Six Sigma type post. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scary Bear Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I used the phrase "lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater" in a meeting today. Apologies. I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. <<< Going for a shower now As soon as I left the meeting I would have reported you for this. Social services should be involved. Did this baby throwing episode happen on your boat? Is the body in the canal? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 To go with Lean and Six Sigma; Apparently to resolve issues and deal with problems we should have 5 Why Meetings. Ask why something happened. The answer to that, you ask why again, and repeat. By the end of 5 Whys a resolution should have been reached................. By the end of 3 whys I want to reach for a gun. Watch out it could be coming to an office near you soon folks. Have you drawn a fishbone diagram yet? These things annoy me, its like putting up a brick wall infront of the issue. It doesn't make it easier to solve it's just a tool to make someone look good. Gemba, muda, kaizen, TIMWOOD, DMIAC, PDCA, 8D Just fucking fix the issue and f**k right off to f**k. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Have you drawn a fishbone diagram yet? These things annoy me, its like putting up a brick wall infront of the issue. It doesn't make it easier to solve it's just a tool to make someone look good. Gemba, muda, kaizen, TIMWOOD, DMIAC, PDCA, 8D Just fucking fix the issue and f**k right off to f**k. I had to make a fecking video teaching people how to make and use fishbone diagrams. Suffice to say, I've never used one or encountered one in my entire life elsewhere. Happy to report that their inventor, Kaoru Ishikawa, is dead. I hope he choked on a fish bone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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