peasy23 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Not quite in the same league as some of the guff on here, but at one time I was a shop steward and in the middle of one particular dispute we refused to deal with our own manager, so they brought in another one from a different department to try and negotiate. At the first meeting we had with him he introduces himself and says "I've been airdropped in here to try and broker a deal", which prompted the retort from one of my esteemed colleagues of "Who the f**k do you think you are? Rudolf Hess?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) This guy will go far, in fact, he already has, he's our new CEO: - "My name is *** **** and I am an experienced leader with a clear vision for the future and the capacity to get people motivated and committed to its achievement. I am an excellent communicator and I operate in an open and collaborative manner. I am skilled in developing effective networks with a wide range of stakeholders, possessing well honed commercial skills, the ability to manage effectively across international boundaries and a track record of strong and lasting client relationships. I am a strategic thinker, able to clearly analyse a business, see a range of options and set clear, ambitious goals for their delivery. I am an innovative and creative entrepreneur, able to develop compelling propositions and convert them into profitable new business. I have worked across a wide range of sectors including infrastructure, construction, housing, retail, health, leisure, education and commercial property. I am currently looking for my next opportunity." He forgot to add "I also do not believe in hiding my lamp under a bushel." Edited February 23, 2015 by Jacksgranda 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 This guy will go far, in fact, he already has, he's our new CEO: - "My name is *** **** and I am an experienced leader with a clear vision for the future and the capacity to get people motivated and committed to its achievement. I am an excellent communicator and I operate in an open and collaborative manner. I am skilled in developing effective networks with a wide range of stakeholders, possessing well honed commercial skills, the ability to manage effectively across international boundaries and a track record of strong and lasting client relationships. I am a strategic thinker, able to clearly analyse a business, see a range of options and set clear, ambitious goals for their delivery. I am an innovative and creative entrepreneur, able to develop compelling propositions and convert them into profitable new business. I have worked across a wide range of sectors including infrastructure, construction, housing, retail, health, leisure, education and commercial property. I am currently looking for my next opportunity." He forgot to add "I also do not believe in hiding my lamp under a bushel." I hate to point this out, but censoring the guy's name is pointless when you can just google a phrase from his "mission statement" and see his profile on LinkedIn; the handsome devil Would be amusing if this turns out to be a generic boilerplate that they all use on their CVs 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I hate to point this out, but censoring the guy's name is pointless when you can just google a phrase from his "mission statement" and see his profile on LinkedIn; the handsome devil Would be amusing if this turns out to be a generic boilerplate that they all use on their CVs Oh, dear - I knew quoting company stuff would catch me out some day! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Oh, dear - I knew quoting company stuff would catch me out some day! I doubt you're the only one! He'll probably just consider it a positive opportunity for career advancement through technological interface with potential client base. Or something. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) I doubt you're the only one! He'll probably just consider it a positive opportunity for career advancement through technological interface with potential client base. Or something. Or else implement a short term, narrow range of human resource re-orginisation Edited February 23, 2015 by Jacksgranda 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Heh. Apparently my boss knows someone who, in turn, knows your boss Jacksgranda. I wonder if I could ask for an introduction. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm really hating the term 'deep dive' just now. Which is unfortunate, because I'm hearing it every day. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I hate to point this out, but censoring the guy's name is pointless when you can just google a phrase from his "mission statement" and see his profile on LinkedIn; the handsome devil Would be amusing if this turns out to be a generic boilerplate that they all use on their CVs When I saw the google search result, it was a name of someone I actually know, but turned out to be a different one, unfortunately. Or fortunately, looking at the language. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DA Baracus Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 This guy will go far, in fact, he already has, he's our new CEO: - "My name is *** **** and I am an experienced leader with a clear vision for the future and the capacity to get people motivated and committed to its achievement. I am an excellent communicator and I operate in an open and collaborative manner. I am skilled in developing effective networks with a wide range of stakeholders, possessing well honed commercial skills, the ability to manage effectively across international boundaries and a track record of strong and lasting client relationships. I am a strategic thinker, able to clearly analyse a business, see a range of options and set clear, ambitious goals for their delivery. I am an innovative and creative entrepreneur, able to develop compelling propositions and convert them into profitable new business. I have worked across a wide range of sectors including infrastructure, construction, housing, retail, health, leisure, education and commercial property. I am currently looking for my next opportunity." He forgot to add "I also do not believe in hiding my lamp under a bushel." The bit in bold is utter shite considering what follows is the most opaque and open to interpretation corporate bullshit speak around. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm really hating the term 'deep dive' just now. Which is unfortunate, because I'm hearing it every day. Report him to HR. Nobody should have to suffer sexual harassment these days. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H_B Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I got asked for a T Shirt sizing on the phone today for a piece of work we're potentially going to do... Small, Medium or Large apparently. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I got asked for a T Shirt sizing on the phone today for a piece of work we're potentially going to do... Small, Medium or Large apparently. See mine of 8th January. Also moving into ingestion ... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 (edited) This guy will go far, in fact, he already has, he's our new CEO: - "My name is *** **** and I am an experienced leader with a clear vision for the future and the capacity to get people motivated and committed to its achievement. I am an excellent communicator and I operate in an open and collaborative manner. I am skilled in developing effective networks with a wide range of stakeholders, possessing well honed commercial skills, the ability to manage effectively across international boundaries and a track record of strong and lasting client relationships. I am a strategic thinker, able to clearly analyse a business, see a range of options and set clear, ambitious goals for their delivery. I am an innovative and creative entrepreneur, able to develop compelling propositions and convert them into profitable new business. I have worked across a wide range of sectors including infrastructure, construction, housing, retail, health, leisure, education and commercial property. I am currently looking for my next opportunity." He forgot to add "I also do not believe in hiding my lamp under a bushel." Hi my names Mr ceo and I'm your new psychopath. Edited February 23, 2015 by D.A.F.C 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonofjenova Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I got asked for a T Shirt sizing on the phone today for a piece of work we're potentially going to do... Small, Medium or Large apparently. This would be infinitely preferable to hearing "ballpark" twice a day. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sitting on a conference call as we speak - it's like Business Bullshit Bingo. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sitting on a conference call as we speak - it's like Business Bullshit Bingo. http://www.bullshitbingo.net/cards/conference_call/ 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweaty Morph Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 http://www.bullshitbingo.net/cards/conference_call/ Not quite a full house but a few were in there, including someone being on mute. It was me! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Oh, dear - I knew quoting company stuff would catch me out some day! You better hope he isn't offended. You might get sacked and end up Doug-less. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
salmonbuddie Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) I'm really hating the term 'deep dive' just now. Which is unfortunate, because I'm hearing it every day. It's actually a trade marked management "technique" - from http://www2.deloitte.com/us/en/pages/operations/solutions/deepdive-team-toolkit.html What is the DeepDive™? Tools for tackling your tough challenges Problem-solving methodology helps with performance improvement, innovation, process change, and more We had one done about 6 months ago, certainly wasn't what I was expecting until I read the above.... Edited February 24, 2015 by salmonbuddie 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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