kennysmassiveego Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 The American embassy refused me permission to make a jelly mound of Donald Trump They said it would set a dangerous precedent 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Just bought a great car,unfortunately I can't afford a driver. Typical,spend all that money and nothing to chauffeur it-------------------------You ever had beaver curry? It's just a little otter 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 (edited) I just got a pair of trainers off the local drug dealer. I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day... Edited August 26, 2017 by jagfox99 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I tripped over the lace on my new trainers. I was only following the instructions on the box - TAIWAN... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteRoseKillie Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Just bought a great car,unfortunately I can't afford a driver. Typical,spend all that money and nothing to chauffeur it-------------------------You ever had beaver curry? It's just a little otter That would be Chicken Tarka, surely? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Gave him a ring of bright water? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 5 hours ago, WhiteRoseKillie said: That would be Chicken Tarka, surely? 5 hours ago, Raidernation said: Gave him a ring of bright water? Do either of you give a dam? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 How to f**k up a poor joke.... Have you ever had a chicken Tarka? It's like a Tikka but a little Otter. FFS. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 How to f**k up a poor joke.... Have you ever had a chicken Tarka? It's like a Tikka but a little Otter. FFS. Don't get it 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supermik Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 (edited) Not been on here for a few days to get the usual dogs abuse, been busy. I got a metal detector last week. Took it into my back garden and straight away it started buzzing like feck. Started digging and it kept buzzing constantly. Got down 15 meters and it was still buzzing. It stopped buzzing when I took my steel toe capped boots off.... Edited August 27, 2017 by supermik 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 I went for lunch with a taxidermist the other day. By the time I'd finished I was stuffed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 Every night an old guy goes into the pub and orders two whiskies. He drinks one, then raises the other in a silent toast, drinks it, then leaves. This goes on for about a week until the barman asks him what it's all about. "Well," the old boy explains, "I used to come in here with my old pal Harry, but he emigrated to New Zealand last month. Before he went we promised each other that I would still come in, have my own drink and then one for him, and he would do the same to me in his new local down under." "Aw, that's nice," says the barman. A couple of weeks go by and the old guy still carries out the same routine, until one night he comes in and orders just the one whisky. As the barman serves it, he asks, "I don't want to poke my nose in but - just the one drink? Has something happened to Harry?" "Oh no," says the old boy. "Harry's fine. This is his drink - but the doctor has told me to stop drinking for my health!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 I went to a fetishist restaurant last night . I got toed in the hole... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 Guy to his girlfriend: "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" Reply: "No, but I was once dragged along by the tits." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Guy looking for a job sees an advert in paper for medical assistant based in Glasgow. Although he has no medical experience he decides to call anyway. Being an honest chap he comes clean at start but conveys his loyalty, keenness and general willingness to learn. The lady on the other end of the phone listens carefully and decides to give the fella the benefit of the doubt. She explains that the role is work within their plastic surgery division. She then goes onto detail the responsibilities, namely prepping ladies for breast enhancements. With sweat dripping down his forehead he excitedly asks for more details. He's told that the individual is required to rub oils into naked ladies breasts and generally keep them relaxed pre op. Lady on the phone asks him if that's something he would be interested in.. Trying to stay calm but stuttering perfusly he says yesss. On receipt of this answer the lady replys 'excellent, can you be in Aberdeen 9am on Monday?' He replys 'of course, but I thought you said the job was in Glasgow' Yes it is, but that's where the queue starts.. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Girlfriend asked if she was pigeon breasted, I said aye, that's why I love you like ah doo. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Two chaps in the pub one says " do you know that lions have sex 10 times a day " 'the other says " fu*k it I've just joined the rotary " 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Sean Comnery has found his niche She was in the garden with his nephew 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Turns out Sean Connery's pet tortoise was incontinent. It pished its shell... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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