ShaggysBeard Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 3 minutes ago, The Mantis said: Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) Had to google that as I thought it might be real. Apparently so. http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/ww2peopleswar/stories/21/a2120121.shtml 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted April 27, 2018 Share Posted April 27, 2018 Not quite a joke, but. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted April 27, 2018 Share Posted April 27, 2018 Just had my camouflage jacket stolen by a bloke in a wheelchair. He can hide, but he can't run. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 Just had my camouflage jacket stolen by a bloke in a wheelchair. He can hide, but he can't run. I went shopping for a camouflage jacket last weekend I couldn’t see any 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 7 minutes ago, topcat(The most tip top) said: I went shopping for a camouflage jacket last weekend I couldn’t see any "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning, Private." - "Thank You, Sergeant." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 A young Scottish boy gets a job at harrods. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The boy said 'One!"The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' Boy says '£124,237.64p.'The manager choked and exclaimed " £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?''"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod".'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need aboat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him a 4 x4 The manager said, 'a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?''No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.' 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sugna Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 2 minutes ago, buchan30 said: £124,237.64p Mods. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 Went to an underwater disco last night. Ended up pulling a muscle. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted April 28, 2018 Share Posted April 28, 2018 (edited) 4 hours ago, topcat(The most tip top) said: I went shopping for a camouflage jacket last weekend I couldn’t see any 18 minutes ago, G_Man1985 said: I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. Here's a picture of the ones I found in Primark. Edited April 28, 2018 by welshbairn 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted May 1, 2018 Share Posted May 1, 2018 At any given moment, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?Ten tickles. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 How do you find out if a woman is ticklish? Give her two test tickles. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 In 1964, Steve McQueen won a Superman lookalike contest because he was in the greatest cape. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted May 3, 2018 Share Posted May 3, 2018 Jimi Hendrix goes for a job interview, the interviewer asked, 'are you experienced?' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted May 5, 2018 Share Posted May 5, 2018 Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm “a pint of lager please, and one for the road”. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted May 5, 2018 Share Posted May 5, 2018 How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the fanny. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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