Jimbo Jagsfan Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets too bad, I have to take something for it. (K. Dodd, RIP) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 (edited) Sometimes you get a photo from just the right angle... Jacob Reich-Mogg? Edited March 21, 2018 by GordonD 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 1 hour ago, GordonD said: Sometimes you get a photo from just the right angle... Jacob Reich-Mogg? Teacher from the Bash Street Kids.. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 1 hour ago, LincolnHearts said: going out with her at least he's got shelter when it rains... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 The worst punchline writer in the world died yesterday His funeral is 2pm next Tuesday 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Just got in the house pished. Went to the fridge and seen a sign "It's broken, its all over I'm away to my mother" Open said fridge, light came on and beer was cold. What's the problem? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 (edited) A horse and a donkey meet in the pub. The horse tells donkey about all the races it won. The donkey feels bad about only ever working at Blackpool. He invites the horse for dinner the next week and buys a huge picture of a zebra for his living room wall. The horse arrives and asks who it is in the picture? The donkey says, that's me when I played for Juventus. Edited March 29, 2018 by Sergeant Wilson 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 16 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said: A horse and a donkey meet in the pub. The horse tells donkey about all the races it won. The donkey feels bad about only ever working at Blackpool. He invites the horse for dinner the next week and buys a huge picture of a zebra for his living room wall. The horse arrives and asks who it is in the picture? The donkey says, that's me when I played for Juventus. Ha ha, and we all know that donkeys in black and white stripes play for Dunfermline. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Met a beautiful girl at the park today Sparks flew, she dropped at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then God , I love my new taser 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Jim Bowen then Eric Bristow. Non darts player goes first... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted April 8, 2018 Share Posted April 8, 2018 What time did the man go to the dentist?Tooth hurty. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted April 9, 2018 Share Posted April 9, 2018 What kind of dog is magic?A Labracadabrador 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted April 14, 2018 Share Posted April 14, 2018 Sheriff Donald J Trump walks into a bar in Laredo, Southern Texas - close to the Mexican border.He spits on the bar, places his gun and holster down - and says - "gimme a shot of red eye".The bartender does as he's told; and then glances down at the gun. It has 7 notches carved into it."Hey senor- what's with the 7 notches on your gun"? Trump says - "well I shot five Mexican's last week. "So ... that's a notch for each one of 'em".Bartender pausing: "well ... what are the other notches for?"Trump: "well, see... they're bonus notches!". "Adios amigo". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted April 14, 2018 Share Posted April 14, 2018 I attended a funeral the other day and listened to people's memories of the deceased. I asked the widow "Do you mind if I say a word?" She said she didn't mind. So I stood up, said "Plethora" and sat down again. The widow leaned over and said "Thanks, that means a lot to me.." 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted April 16, 2018 Share Posted April 16, 2018 Spike Milligan would have been 100 today so just as well he wrote this earlier.“Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee.What kind of pencil shall I use?2B or not 2B?” 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShaggysBeard Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted April 17, 2018 Share Posted April 17, 2018 3 minutes ago, The Mantis said: Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) Had to google that as I thought it might be real. Apparently so. http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/ww2peopleswar/stories/21/a2120121.shtml 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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