GordonD Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 She bumped into Danny DeVito and he got a crack on the head. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 Old Bob Monkhouse one. The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life. We talked, and she said she would cover herself in melted chocolate, and I would lick it off. The trouble is, she went and bought white chocolate. I'm not too fond of it, it's too rich. I've come to dread hearing her call out from upstairs: "The Milkybars are on me" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 And there was a Bob Monkhouse joke in the Joker movie: When I was growing up, people would laugh at me when i told them I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 1 minute ago, scottsdad said: Old Bob Monkhouse one. The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life. We talked, and she said she would cover herself in melted chocolate, and I would lick it off. The trouble is, she went and bought white chocolate. I'm not too fond of it, it's too rich. I've come to dread hearing her call out from upstairs: "The Milkybars are on me" Way back when I was a student I had a girlfriend who would insist that I spelled out every letter of the alphabet with my tongue. Last weekend I met her for the first time in 20 years She's married a very patient Chinese guy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 On 27/01/2020 at 18:16, The DA said: Shamelessly nicked from Twitter. Son: “I was awarded the ‘Leslie Nielsen badge’ at school today” Dad: “What's that?” Son: “It's a big building full of pupils and teachers, but that's not important right now.” This is the best joke I've ever heard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Van Tee Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Found a wallet this morning, and thought about handing it in and thought "Well, if I lost my wallet with two hundred and fifty pounds in it, how would I feel?" In the end I realised I would want to be taught a lesson. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 On 03/02/2020 at 11:39, Old Diamond said: Wid - but I'd need someone to put me up to it The wooden box method of contraception. Spoiler You do it standing up. Just as your eyes start to glaze over, she kicks the box away. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 There's also the drawing pin method. You put a few drawing pins in one shoe and they make you limp. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killiepiemuncher Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 The wooden box method of contraception. Spoiler You do it standing up. Just as your eyes start to glaze over, she kicks the box away. That would be a good execution. You’d be cuming and going at the same time. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiegoDiego Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 ^ David Carradine found. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted February 6, 2020 Share Posted February 6, 2020 I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police. “Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff". “Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked. “Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said. “Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be with you in the morning” and hung up. Five minutes later I called back. “Hello, I phoned earlier about someone in my shed. No need to worry about it anymore though, I’ve just shot him”. Within 10 minutes the area was crawling with cops, helicopters, and K-9 dog handlers. After catching the crook, the Sergeant came up to me and said, “Hey, you told us you shot the intruder, but he’s alive and well.” “Yeah? And you told me you had no one available.” 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Homer Thompson Posted February 7, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 7, 2020 My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll return. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pawpar Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Haven't heard much from Phillip Schofield today. I heard he has done a runner. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Gale force winds blew the roof off the cheese factory. De brie everywhere. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Gopher It! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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