hearthammer Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 10 hours ago, tamthebam said: The knight who wore his sword too close - Sir Cumcision. And the one who was a bit of a gunslinger - Sirhan Sirhan 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 The South American one - Sir Iname. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silvio Tattiescone Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) The cowardly builder - Sir Render ETA - went missing at Londonderry I believe Edited August 6, 2020 by NewBornBairn 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 Found this gem on Ricky Little's profile on Arbroath's website. Ricky and Willie Kinniburgh were at Firhill at the time. Craig Hinchcliffe was our goalie. Question - Best practical joke that you have seen in football? Willy Kinniburgh at Partick had put a fake registration plate on Craig Hinchcliffe’s car which had a rude comment about him. Hinchy then pretended that he’d been pulled over by police and was due up in court and asked Willy to be a witness for him. On the date of court case, Willy showed up in his suit and the rest of the team piled into the team bus to drive down and surprise him, once Willy seen the bus he just bailed with embarrassment. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenkay Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 The founder of dulux paints has been found deid at the top of a mountain. A police spokesperson said: "He could've done with another coat." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fullerene Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 All these knight jokes! It's Sir Real. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The DA Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 3 hours ago, Fullerene said: All these knight jokes! It's Sir Real. You've Sir Passed yourself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Steele Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 The inventor of the outboard motor has died. There will be a ceremony on his boat powered by his original motor and followed by a wake. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 The inventor of Tetris died recently. When they lowered his coffin into the grave, the entire top layer of the cemetery disappeared. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenkay Posted August 8, 2020 Share Posted August 8, 2020 As I get older I find I only really need to visit 3 shops. Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. Yep, my life is all Specs, Drugs and... Sausage Rolls. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nae Union Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 I've just heard there was a kidnapping at our local school. He's woken up now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 I was asked to describe myself in just five words.I said "lazy" 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted August 10, 2020 Share Posted August 10, 2020 Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Dave, wake up, you drunken *******, You've sh1t the bed !!' 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted August 10, 2020 Share Posted August 10, 2020 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 7 hours ago, Bishop Briggs said: He shows the mental dexterity of a presidential character while reading the words but still. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenkay Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 I'm up in court later for assaulting a plumber. Which is ridiculous, as I only gave him a tap. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawWatchin Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 On 07/08/2020 at 14:53, Fullerene said: All these knight jokes! It's Sir Real. Anyone notice that fishy looking knight? Sir Dean 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 13 hours ago, Tenkay said: How much does shampoo cost in London? *Pantene mate. *(£1.10) please Some people can tell Cockney accent jokes and some can't. You're a can't. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 Feeling sorry for Michael J Fox these days, he struggles to put food on the table. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silvio Tattiescone Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 Ouch 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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