Calling Cards of Morons

[Cerberus]

Anyone over 21 who goes Amsterdam on holiday.

No one has ever gone to Amsterdam for any other reason than smoke hash and pay for sex.
You’re kidding no one you freak.

[Highland Capital]

Wear white socks.

[Kmeister]

Wear white socks.

And buys the aforementioned socks from a man in Argyll Street selling three pairs for a pound.

[Cosmic Joe]

Folk that refer to the East and West Stands at Hampden as the Celtic/ Rangers ends. Bonus moron points for non-OF fans who participate in this stupidity...

[banana]

Paying a fiver for a 300ml bottle of craft beer in a normal boozer.

[tongue_tied_danny]

Taking your own pool cue to the pub.

[welshbairn]

Just now, tongue_tied_danny said:

Taking your own pool cue to the pub.

Great pumping them with an old broomstick though. 

[Bairnardo]

Great pumping them with an old broomstick though. [emoji14]

Surely for anyone who has ever frequented a wee village local with a pool team etc, being pished and absolutely skelping a member of said pool team is one of the finest pleasures the pub has to offer.

The seethe is incredible.

[Dee Man]

32 minutes ago, tongue_tied_danny said:

Taking your own pool cue to the pub.

Especially when there's no pool table in the pub. 

[welshbairn]

On the topic, folk who play pool like it's snooker, safety shots all the time. Nothing better than smashing up their carefully arranged pattern with pile driver and clearing the table.

[Bairnardo]

On the topic, folk who play pool like it's snooker, safety shots all the time. Nothing better than smashing up their carefully arranged pattern with pile driver and clearing the table.

Where I user the drink the pool team would come in one or two nights a week and practice. They would get the key in the table obviously and we would all benefit from a few free games afterwards etc. One night they tried to spear the bar manager for when she was going to shell out for a recloth. Her response "when one of you c***s buys a fucking pint instead a can of irn bru to last you 3 hours".

Oh how we all laughed.

[Black Dug]

Surely for anyone who has ever frequented a wee village local with a pool team etc, being pished and absolutely skelping a member of said pool team is one of the finest pleasures the pub has to offer.

The seethe is incredible.

I got chased out The Welly for such a feat. Naebody on the table so I challenged my brother to a game, just as I was setting them up the current 'champion' informs me that it is his table and that one of us would have to play him first... And by the way, buy him a vodka and coke when he won, p***k.
I'm a decent player so my brother shys away and leaves me to it. Long story short I beat him but like the p***k he was started calling me a flukey wee c*nt etc. I admit a couple of pots were on the lucky side but I told him that they all were and that I don't really play pool. He's seething now, he couldn't possibly be beaten by an amateur.
He demands a rematch, double or quits. Same happens again although this time he only pots a couple of balls. His pals have come over now and are tearing into him. The pool p***k refuses to buy me any drinks and spends the rest of the afternoon trying to intimidate us.
When we were ready to leave I walks past him with a cheery 'see you later pal, I'll give you another game when you've had a bit of practice' He does the classic 'hold me back dance' - glorious!

[Flybhoy]

Slightly off topic but continuing the 'local pub pool wankers' theme.

Our Celtic bus went into a boozer in Dundee after our game at Dens Park last boxing day, might have been the Lochee Sports Bar or something it was called if memory serves me correctly, there were about thirty odd of us and many scoops were sunk, a good day was had, about six or seven o'clock one of the guys suggests a game of 'Killer' on the pool table, for those not familiar you all take a shot in order and, depending on your rules you get one or two lives, if you dont pot a ball you lose a life, two lives and your out, everyone puts an entry fee of a fiver in the hat and the winner is the last man standing who gets the cash.

Local guy at the bar asks to put his name down, ended up about twenty or so in total, he pulls out his own cue from behind the bar, looked a serious bit of equipment, clearly cost a few bob, we're all quite pissed and not taking it too seriously, he is obviously a member/captain of the local pool team as he's walking round the table each shot, chalking his cue, taking his time etc but, he is letting us all use his 'professional' looking cue.

I went out quite early due to a combination of being shite at pool and quite drunk, gets down to the last four and local guy is slowly lining up a shot when, just as he's about to strike the cue ball someone farts rather loudly, he misses his shot, the ball rumbles in the jaws of the pocket, as it's his last life he's out.....cue a meltdown, he demands to be reinstated claiming to have been put off by the phantom farter, once everyone stops laughing he is told to 'get tae' at which point he promptly takes his cue back and stomps off in a serious huff, the ensuing cries of 'you're shite and you know you are' result in him storming our the pub, steam coming out his ears with nearly a full pint sitting at the bar while our game continued with the pubs own shitey cue.

Edited November 9, 2018 by Flybhoy

[Bully Wee Villa]

Making up stories to impress strangers on the internet. 

[Inanimate Carbon Rod]

Slightly off topic but continuing the 'local pub pool wankers' theme.
Our Celtic bus went into a boozer in Dundee after our game at Dens Park last boxing day, might have been the Lochee Sports Bar or something it was called if memory serves me correctly, there were about thirty odd of us and many scoops were sunk, a good day was had, about six or seven o'clock one of the guys suggests a game of 'Killer' on the pool table, for those not familiar you all take a shot in order and, depending on your rules you get one or two lives, if you dont pot a ball you lose a life, two lives and your out, everyone puts an entry fee of a fiver in the hat and the winner is the last man standing who gets the cash.
Local guy at the bar asks to put his name down, ended up about twenty or so in total, he pulls out his own cue from behind the bar, looked a serious bit of equipment, clearly cost a few bob, we're all quite pissed and not taking it too seriously, he is obviously a member/captain of the local pool team as he's walking round the table each shot, chalking his cue, taking his time etc but, he is letting us all use his 'professional' looking cue.
I went out quite early due to a combination of being shite at pool and quite drunk, gets down to the last four and local guy is slowly lining up a shot when, just as he's about to strike the cue ball someone farts rather loudly, he misses his shot, the ball rumbles in the jaws of the pocket, as it's his last life he's out.....cue a meltdown, he demands to be reinstated claiming to have been put off by the phantom farter, once everyone stops laughing he is told to 'get tae' at which point he promptly takes his cue back and stomps off in a serious huff, the ensuing cries of 'you're shite and you know you are' result in him storming our the pub, steam coming out his ears with nearly a full pint sitting at the bar while our game continued with the pubs own shitey cue.

Tony won.

[HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows]

15 minutes ago, Flybhoy said:

Slightly off topic but continuing the 'local pub pool wankers' theme.

Our Celtic bus went into a boozer in Dundee after our game at Dens Park last boxing day, might have been the Lochee Sports Bar or something it was called if memory serves me correctly, there were about thirty odd of us and many scoops were sunk, a good day was had, about six or seven o'clock one of the guys suggests a game of 'Killer' on the pool table, for those not familiar you all take a shot in order and, depending on your rules you get one or two lives, if you dont pot a ball you lose a life, two lives and your out, everyone puts an entry fee of a fiver in the hat and the winner is the last man standing who gets the cash.

Local guy at the bar asks to put his name down, ended up about twenty or so in total, he pulls out his own cue from behind the bar, looked a serious bit of equipment, clearly cost a few bob, we're all quite pissed and not taking it too seriously, he is obviously a member/captain of the local pool team as he's walking round the table each shot, chalking his cue, taking his time etc but, he is letting us all use his 'professional' looking cue.

I went out quite early due to a combination of being shite at pool and quite drunk, gets down to the last four and local guy is slowly lining up a shot when, just as he's about to strike the cue ball someone farts rather loudly, he misses his shot, the ball rumbles in the jaws of the pocket, as it's his last life he's out.....cue a meltdown, he demands to be reinstated claiming to have been put off by the phantom farter, once everyone stops laughing he is told to 'get tae' at which point he promptly takes his cue back and stomps off in a serious huff, the ensuing cries of 'you're shite and you know you are' result in him storming our the pub, steam coming out his ears with nearly a full pint sitting at the bar while our game continued with the pubs own shitey cue.

Should have thrown the pint at him to see if he could catch it. Except you couldn't have, because none of this ever happened. 

[Flybhoy]

2 minutes ago, Inanimate Carbon Rod said:

Tony won.

[Miguel Sanchez]

Fair play to mags, it takes some brass neck to keep returning with this level of blatant fantasy.

[Dindeleux]

“Don’t believe everything you hear on the news. Youtube is the most reliable source”

[BillyAnchor]

3 hours ago, Flybhoy said:

Slightly off topic but continuing the 'local pub pool wankers' theme.

Our Celtic bus went into a boozer in Dundee after our game at Dens Park last boxing day, might have been the Lochee Sports Bar or something it was called if memory serves me correctly, there were about thirty odd of us and many scoops were sunk, a good day was had, about six or seven o'clock one of the guys suggests a game of 'Killer' on the pool table, for those not familiar you all take a shot in order and, depending on your rules you get one or two lives, if you dont pot a ball you lose a life, two lives and your out, everyone puts an entry fee of a fiver in the hat and the winner is the last man standing who gets the cash.

Local guy at the bar asks to put his name down, ended up about twenty or so in total, he pulls out his own cue from behind the bar, looked a serious bit of equipment, clearly cost a few bob, we're all quite pissed and not taking it too seriously, he is obviously a member/captain of the local pool team as he's walking round the table each shot, chalking his cue, taking his time etc but, he is letting us all use his 'professional' looking cue.

I went out quite early due to a combination of being shite at pool and quite drunk, gets down to the last four and local guy is slowly lining up a shot when, just as he's about to strike the cue ball someone farts rather loudly, he misses his shot, the ball rumbles in the jaws of the pocket, as it's his last life he's out.....cue a meltdown, he demands to be reinstated claiming to have been put off by the phantom farter, once everyone stops laughing he is told to 'get tae' at which point he promptly takes his cue back and stomps off in a serious huff, the ensuing cries of 'you're shite and you know you are' result in him storming our the pub, steam coming out his ears with nearly a full pint sitting at the bar while our game continued with the pubs own shitey cue.

In usa usa usa  he returns armed.