Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Au contraire mon Frère. My Generals and I have scrambled the KWDBAF (KnightswoodBear Air Force) and our crack sqaud of suicide commandos are currently at 27,000 feet and ready to Angel jump right on top of the fucker and kick him or her right in the pie. Unfortunately our state of the art helmet cams (like the ones Apone's boys had in Aliens) aren't working, so I've drawn a wee picture of what the mission looks like: If that doesn't work, i'm getting a loaf of Mothers Pride, some bleach and a tub of baking soda and going Final Solution on the wee c**t. Typical fashion faux pas, red and green should never be seen. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Comrades. There really is no easy way to say this. Operation Malkygull was an unmitigated disaster. Casualties are currently sitting at 100%. We failed to forsee that our state of the art kevlar bodyarmour's only weakness was from a direct peck of a broody seagull's beak. The Mothers Pride, bleach and baking soda chemical warfare also failed and now the seagull is retaliating with shite that is currently eating through the paintwork on my car. I have retreated to our secret command bunker. Be brave in the knowledge that whilst it is only a matter of time before it raises a dreadful, pecky army and annihilates you all, I am safe in Cheers nightclub. Mozza, your missus says hi. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 House recently burnt down, taking the car parked in the attached garage with it. Same insurance company for house, possessions and car. Different claims people - same set of paperwork to be completed 3 times. Seems stupid to me. Your house? We get a third, and I'm thinking it's time to start worrying about banned posters. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 For some reason I always type "existing" as "exisitng". I'm not dyslexic or special, honestly. It gets worse. I've been doing this for about a decade, and my fingers sometimes don't seem to care what order the letters go in now, just so long as they're all there. Proofreading everything's a pain in the arse. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Wants her hole by the sounds of it. Very good Why do doughnuts with holes taste better than those without, filling notwithstanding? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Not enough MS Paint pictures on P&B IMO. Always good value. Sorry about your ongoing bird nightmare, KB. Maybe ease up on the pheasant shoots for a bit and see if the avian rage dies off over time. Duck Hunt on the NES might be a reasonable substitute. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) Amanda Holden's face. She's always had a face I'd love to kick, but her obvious surgery has made it even more slapable! She looks like a fucking horse. Edited July 2, 2015 by 19QOS19 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEADOWXI Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Comrades. There really is no easy way to say this. Operation Malkygull was an unmitigated disaster. Casualties are currently sitting at 100%. We failed to forsee that our state of the art kevlar bodyarmour's only weakness was from a direct peck of a broody seagull's beak. The Mothers Pride, bleach and baking soda chemical warfare also failed and now the seagull is retaliating with shite that is currently eating through the paintwork on my car. I have retreated to our secret command bunker. Be brave in the knowledge that whilst it is only a matter of time before it raises a dreadful, pecky army and annihilates you all, I am safe in Cheers nightclub. Mozza, your missus says hi. We will fight them in the streets, We will fight them in the car parks, We will defend our car paintwork, Whatever the the costs (even the pecking to death of the wife) may be, We will never be defeated. It is your darkest hour and Churchill would be proud of your spirit..... Aye the wee fat dug not the wartime leader. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) The bread should be soaked in whisky, or similar. The gulls will get pished and fly in to things resulting in injury or death. This method was perfected by the staff at Inver House distillery. Edited July 2, 2015 by Sergeant Wilson 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Tie one of these to your head KB. It'll solve your gull problem but you might find that owls will then try to shag you. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doulikefish Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Be careful Kb,the seagull might call in reinforcements from Aberdeen,they are the waffen ss of the seagull brigade 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Why do supermarkets insist on putting the little tab on the corner of the packets of meat etc when the minute you pull it, it snaps off! (giggety). I mostly just open it with a good stabbing of a knife but from time to time I like to see if they've finally made one that actually opens when you pull the tab but so far I have been left wanting. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamdunk Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The one lost game on my freecell record pisses me off no end. I usually keep restarting until I get it, but I foolishly saved it in a death position and cant undo/restart. It was game #1413 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bob the tank Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Just heard it again at Wimbledon, "two time winner". No they aren't, they have won it twice. Get two time back to America where it belongs. twice, twice,twice, twice, twice, I feel better now... Until I hear that abomination again. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miguel Sanchez Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 My PTTGOMN is not seeing people with full trolleys going to the self-service checkout when there's several normal ones free. My PTTGOMN is not watching them pile their things up at the side, something which is in fact made much more palatable by playing the music from Tetris in my head while I watch them. My PTTGOMN is that one day when the inevitable happens and one wrongly placed tub of yoghurt sends the entire thing cascading all over the floor I will burst out laughing, and likely be shouted at as if I'm in the wrong. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoversMad Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) shitting over all the vans and cars...otherwise known as 'doing a miley' Edited July 2, 2015 by RoversMad 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugster Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 We've had that joke already this week cunto! Deeboy shat on the bonnet of a Merc. Not as bad as flicking shite at someone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Amanda Holden's face. She's always had a face I'd love to kick, but her obvious surgery has made it even more slapable! She looks like a fucking horse.I would do unspeakable things to Amanda Holden. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 So would I. With clawhammers, baseball bats and acid.I think she's hot as f**k to be honest. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz FFC Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I would do unspeakable things to Amanda Holden. Does it involve a shovel and a 6 foot hole? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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