SEETHING

I tell ya hwhat, it really exposes the emptiness that comes from supporting Celtic when you're absolutely seething beyond belief at the direction your team's going when you might miss out on your first domestic trophy in several years, after winning all the rest. Shame.

Hearts 3 - 0 Alloa In my QUIETER MOMENTS I often reflect upon the ABSURDITY of the universe, and nowhere else is said absurdity more apparent than the fact that Alloa Athletic are supposed to be in the same LEAGUE as Heart of Midlothian FC. A CRUSHING VICTORY for the champions-elect, who could easily afford to miss two penalties in an admirable show of MERCY towards the no-voting Hawaiian select. I'm not even bothering to keep track of who's next on the CHOPPING BLOCK, but I foresee another easy three points in whatever fixture is next in this ABSURD wee league.

I am a REASONABLE MAN and believe in giving credit where it is due. With that in mind, congratulations to HEART OF MIDLOTHIAN for surviving the HATCHET MAN TACTICS of a DISGUSTING Dungfermline side determined to kick and MAIM the cultured Gorgie Globetrotters. The result is IMMATERIAL in the grand scheme of things; a mere PEBBLE under the TANK TREADS of the Hearts Juggernaut. Onwards and most certainly UPWARDS.

An extremely boring documentary that stinks of that big bald son of a bitch Ann Budge playing her "creative control" card. You'd barely know that Hearts absolutely stank up the league last season thanks to Craig Levein and his goons (albeit we would definitely have stayed up if the season had been played to a fair conclusion). Interviewing the cretins who do the wee signing videos for Twitter and oversee the hospitality. Had hoped for Sunderland Til I Die-esque hilarity, but the only thing I'm taking away so far is that Andy Irving has a lazy eye. e: although fair play to Budge for insisting that St Mirren 1 - 0 Hearts was left on the cutting room floor.

Is...is that a ball gag necklace?

Muirhouse is AKIN TO ST TROPEZ compared to the FIFE FAVELA that is Dungfermline, imo.

Hearts 2 - 1 Inverness Caley Thistle Yet another CAKEWALK in this pub league for the 2020-2021 Champions, and an unbeaten season now seems ALL BUT INEVITABLE. I note with DERISION that Dungfermline are next on the chopping block, and one almost hopes that Hearts decide to show mercy for the sake of those already living INTOLERABLE FIFE LIVES.

Craig Wighton rose like Marius Zaliukas in his prime.

Arbroath 0 - 1 Hearts The silly fish men were ruthlessly SMOKED by the day-trippers from our nation's capital. It was WIGHT SUPREMACY that made the difference at Gayfield, as Derek "gosh it disturbs me to see you" Gaston was made to look like a PRIME RUBE by a DELICIOUS lob from what must have been forty yards. The juggernaut rolls on.

Next.

WIGHT POWER

I reckon Dundee would be open to offers for Jack Hamilton, Celtic fans. I can also recommend Joel Pereira.

Rumour has it there are other, better Hertz fora out there.

He managed to change the score from 0-0 to 6-2 quite effectively imo.

A prospect that has me positively TUMESCENT, friend. All the best to fellow freedom fighters Partick Thistle FC this season.

Hope you enjoyed the game lads. Pathetic.

It was hard to resist the siren song of "voluntarily talking to Dundee fans on the internet", yet somehow I managed it.

This is the sort of spittle-flecked vitriol that keeps me occasionally signing into P&B.

GREAT STUFF. JUST REALLY GREAT STUFF.

An objectively shite post, but since it's Dundee I'll allow it.

Hearts 6* - 2 Dundee *(six) A COMPREHENSIVE GUBBING of "title challengers" Dungdee gets the cakewalk off to a RELATIVELY PLEASING start. Tactical MAESTRO Robert Neilson appears to have sussed that scoring goals against the plumbers and posties who make up most Chumpionship defences will be EFFORTLESS for the Gorgie Galacticos. See you next Friday for the next stage in the title procession.

Yes: It's going well imo.

It's a big ask.