BFTD

Always worth assuming in a work situation. I had a boss once who brushed his teeth once per hour, and kept his toothbrush next to the sink in the work toilets. Bless.

Are you, Chris, actually my ex? If so, can I have my ring back please?

She'd never seen it before and had no idea what it was about, to be fair to her

Must not be used to a flat, even surface these days. It would explain why we played the better passing football, to be fair. Maybe the Championship clubs should organise a wee whip-round for pitch upkeep at Ibrox?

Are you ever going to tell us? You know what a compassionate, supportive bunch we are.

The wife's been receiving occasional hateful messages through sites like Facebook for the past year or two - gloating when relatives or pets die, that kind of thing. Nothing too exciting, just the typical trolling stuff you get with social media if you're daft enough to accept requests from people you don't know. However, I just got an anonymous email from the same person, and it's obviously the work of an ex-girlfriend that I haven't seen or heard from in fifteen years Not sure whether to be flattered that I left such an impression, or sad that she's in such a bad place that she spends her Friday nights bitterly attacking people from her past

Chip in with 99 mates and buy the naming rights to a football stadium.

At least it's actually less. Amazing how often price increases can be put out as markdowns.

Huh...never knew "sugar" was slang for spunk in Ayrshire.

Is it an offence to drive while your car is under the influence?

DING DING DING - Winner! Hey, wouldja look at that, there's a cat too.

This is Turkish Poof, so named because he's a Turkish Angora, and because mi spel nut so gudly (it's supposed to be Pouffe, because he's pouffy): We found him on the road at a drive-thru bank in Phoenix, Arizona. He was only a couple of weeks old and almost dead. Twelve years later, he's still with us. Here he is trying to squeeze out a turd on my face when he was a baby:

Good lord. I'd think about it myself, if I wasn't so fat and useless. And, come on, chaps - PC Dickson looks like she's pure filth! *rimshot*

Enjoyed this quite a bit. Had a similar feel to Megan is Missing, which is worth a look too. Thanks for the recommendation.

The wife put this on when I was feeling down one night, and I was about ready for the gin and paracetamol by the end, despite already being familiar with the story behind it. So yeah, quality stuff for those of us that like to mentally self-harm.

They didn't make you an offer you couldn't refuse? I'm with NBB; +1 gigolo.

Found you under the bed, wearing her socks and shagging her crusty sister's seat? Sakes man, curious minds n'aw rat.

Bairn's ankle sock - I'm sure he has everyone's sympathy

I don't know who he is, but I like his name. Does he drive weirdcal's Free Candy van?

Not sure I'm understanding this. Surely people refer to "the missus" in order to prevent having to constantly explain who "Sally/Barry/Charmaine/whatever" is? Sounds like you've got your whole rationale backwards. Maybe it's just that I've never worked anywhere that anyone gave a single f**k about the people they work with. Also, I've always got the impression that most people hate their spouses, which explains the whole "he/she/it" thing. I've worked with several people who seemed one snore away from hacking off their husband's genitals; the use of third-person pronouns seemed positively warm in comparison to the rest of the stuff that came out of their mouths.

Please, let's be positive. How good must Glasgow City FC be?

Lucky for him that it didn't have a pulley in the middle

Aren't we all, cherub. Come on, spill it.

Never been particularly enamoured with Sexy Beast but, by Christ, is Ben Kingsley memorable! He does dreck like Ender's Game to pay the bills, but give the man a decent role and it's a home run every time.