BFTD

Chip in with 99 mates and buy the naming rights to a football stadium.

At least it's actually less. Amazing how often price increases can be put out as markdowns.

Huh...never knew "sugar" was slang for spunk in Ayrshire.

Is it an offence to drive while your car is under the influence?

DING DING DING - Winner! Hey, wouldja look at that, there's a cat too.

This is Turkish Poof, so named because he's a Turkish Angora, and because mi spel nut so gudly (it's supposed to be Pouffe, because he's pouffy): We found him on the road at a drive-thru bank in Phoenix, Arizona. He was only a couple of weeks old and almost dead. Twelve years later, he's still with us. Here he is trying to squeeze out a turd on my face when he was a baby:

Good lord. I'd think about it myself, if I wasn't so fat and useless. And, come on, chaps - PC Dickson looks like she's pure filth! *rimshot*

Enjoyed this quite a bit. Had a similar feel to Megan is Missing, which is worth a look too. Thanks for the recommendation.

The wife put this on when I was feeling down one night, and I was about ready for the gin and paracetamol by the end, despite already being familiar with the story behind it. So yeah, quality stuff for those of us that like to mentally self-harm.

They didn't make you an offer you couldn't refuse? I'm with NBB; +1 gigolo.

Found you under the bed, wearing her socks and shagging her crusty sister's seat? Sakes man, curious minds n'aw rat.

Bairn's ankle sock - I'm sure he has everyone's sympathy

I don't know who he is, but I like his name. Does he drive weirdcal's Free Candy van?

Not sure I'm understanding this. Surely people refer to "the missus" in order to prevent having to constantly explain who "Sally/Barry/Charmaine/whatever" is? Sounds like you've got your whole rationale backwards. Maybe it's just that I've never worked anywhere that anyone gave a single f**k about the people they work with. Also, I've always got the impression that most people hate their spouses, which explains the whole "he/she/it" thing. I've worked with several people who seemed one snore away from hacking off their husband's genitals; the use of third-person pronouns seemed positively warm in comparison to the rest of the stuff that came out of their mouths.

Please, let's be positive. How good must Glasgow City FC be?

Lucky for him that it didn't have a pulley in the middle

Aren't we all, cherub. Come on, spill it.

Never been particularly enamoured with Sexy Beast but, by Christ, is Ben Kingsley memorable! He does dreck like Ender's Game to pay the bills, but give the man a decent role and it's a home run every time.

Let's not be rushan into the cheese-based puns again. They never turn out very gouda and it's driving me emmental. Edit: Fulham have been managing to make Al Fayed seem like the world's greatest chairman since he left.

Yeah, but think about how many times you've seen people drop litter right next to a bin. Some folk just seem to take prompts to thoughtful behaviour as a challenge. And if you're injecting smack, I doubt community safety is high on your list of priorities

It's kinda fun if you like Sam Raimi's films in general. But a massive waste of Venom. Think they probably overstretched with the CG. I vaguely remember that the giant Sandman bits look a bit blurry. But I thought the acclaimed CG in the second film was quite poor, in that Spidey and Doc Ock moved very strangely in the fight scenes. It helps if you're a video game player, I think - I've spent thirty years overlooking less-than-photorealistic visuals

Just did the shopping, and I was genuinely stunned to see that the Christmas puddings are out, to the point that I had to spend a few seconds working out what month it was in my head. I'm not complaining, I'm just amazed at how feeble my brain is these days On the plus side, the mini-stollen are back in at Lidl. Thinking of changing my username to 'BigMorbidlyObeseTabbyDave'.

I'm guessing the bin guys expect (and find) needles in pretty much everything, so you still get good guy points. Hopefully the wife was suitably appreciative. Can I have your share of the heroin if my appendix bursts again?

Jeebus - I'd have thought a kangaroo would take the car out too Are they tasty? We had some Kangaroo steaks a while back ("farmed in Germany ), but I can't remember a thing about them. And I'm guessing that Teutonic Roo wouldn't be a patch on something cooked up by a tough, burly backpacker murderer denizen of the magnificent Antipodes.