BFTD

FFS, I genuinely thought I may have been there, until I saw that it was in the disabled lavvy I went into one of the stalls in the wee front toilets after a film, and there was some serious retching going on in the stall next door; the I-can't-breathe-because-I'm-spewing-so-much kind of thing. Was debating whether or not to have a wee chap on the door as I was finishing up, when suddenly copious amounts of brown water came flooding across the floor, which was all the more bizarre considering that nobody had flushed. It was like a river, and my stall neighbour (who I'm pretty sure was a lassie, judging by the noises) was now eerily quiet, so I was picturing her passed out among all of this mess. Like a true hero, I bolted for the door, giving a "it wisnae me!" to the lads entering past me. In a panic, and trudging shite water all across the nice lobby carpet, I grabbed a couple of staff members and told them that one of their toilets had exploded and someone might be dead. The younger one looked shocked, but the older lassie had a "FFS, not again" air. With that, I grabbed the wife and squelched to the exit before any more questions were asked. Apologies to your wife if she had anything to do with the cleanup - it must've been about ten years ago or more. Kudos that she helped with cleaning up in your story, though - any boss I've had would have been running to find the lowest-paid member of staff to deal with that kind of mess. Yes, that would mean me

Unsurprisingly, I was on a trip to Glasgow All the best stories like this come from Glasgow. When I went to see Batman Begins, there was a bloke in the front row having (I presume) a terrible acid trip, and seemed to think he was watching a load of giants through a massive window. When Batman appeared, he started screaming and wouldn't stop, even when the police carried him out. Still, only two-thirds of the film spoiled

Still, I'm pretty sure that the Scottish parents of most modern Mercedes will introduce their daughters as, "Mercedes, like the car".

Should've felt flattered, handsome. Lassies of all ages try to put a full row between me and them, allocated seats be damned

Sakes. I was at Cineworld in Falkirk for the first time in ages a few weeks back, and it was a pleasant relief that they still didn't do seat allocation like the bloody Vue. Some things from the past are nice to have back, but this is not fucking one of them. Nothing like turning up to a packed showing only to find that the previous occupant of your allocated seat had evacuated from both ends

At the same time? Anything's possible with footballers, I suppose.

Zen's picture isn't showing up here; I'm guessing the wee auld yin from the Benny Hill Show who chased the lassies aboot? (including Daphne from Frasier IIRC)

Met a few Gaylords, actually. They usually go by their middle name.

Is it out here? Love me some Kevin Smith. No, but I will be now Doesn't seem to be Netflix US, so I presume it's on the UK one.

Switch to American Netflix. Just did it myself and, hoo-baby! The catalogue of movies is about four or five times bigger, and not stuffed full of Sci-Fi Channel shite like it is here.

Remember how they used to be all the rage? Thankfully, more enlightened times, etc. Don't know if it's changed, but they were still popular in the States back at the beginning of the century. You could always spot a trailer for a subtitled movie by the fact there was no dialogue spoken throughout; a trait that seems to have spread over here, sadly. Once saw half the audience get up and walk out of a screening of Brotherhood of the Wolf when the subtitles kicked in. All the more tragic, considering what a cracking action movie that turned out to be.

No you don't The wean quite liked it, though, but hasn't shown interest in seeing it again. Might see how he fancies Sharknado 2 this evening. I thought Tara Reid was oddly underused in the first though, like they only signed her on at the last minute and shoved her character in as a tag-along. She was very believable as an archaeologist in Alone in the Dark. *struggles to keep a straight face*

Weirdly, he's not that interested in Deep Blue Sea. Probably the most entertaining shark movie I've seen after Jaws. He liked the parrot (probably because we have one), but was strangely disinterested in the rest. The kid likes his shark movies cheap and cheesy, apparently As a fan of dreadful films, I'd like to see Bruno Mattei's Cruel Jaws - an (apparently) awful movie that he had the cheek to take to Universal after completion as a potential Jaws 5! I've seen a few of the man's films now, and I can't imagine how amused the Universal execs must have been at the ineptitude on display. Can't find it to rent anywhere, sadly, and I'm loathe to spend money on buying it

Jesus, that trailer just gets worse as it goes on It's amazing what Danny Trejo shows up in; the man must work for food. Good for him - always respect an actor who likes to keep working, like Donald Pleasence. The kid's more into sharks than ghosts, so any shark-related recommendations are much appreciated. Aside from the Jaws films, of course, I think his favourites are Sand Sharks and Jurassic Shark, which I think he's somehow still convinced is a sequel to Jurassic Park. Bless Oh, despite loving Jaws 3 for some reason, even he knows Jaws: The Revenge was dreadful - watched it once, and never again.

Same goes for the Emmanuelle films, BTW. Much better with the original dialogue track. What?

Good morning, sunshine! Yeah, me too.

Getting that useless b*****d unicorn when selecting a random character in Peggle.

Genuinely confused as to why your new Fiat would have fibre cabling for a second there You get the impression over here that the Aussie government finds the Internet a bit of an inconvenience. Is that fair to say?

While doing the Christmas shopping, I noticed that the Apple store in Stirling is called 'Stormfront'. Apparently that's the name of Apple's retail partner that operates all the stores. So, somebody genuinely thought that it would be a good idea to give their retail operation, with its dazzling white facade selling exclusively white products, the same name as the infamous centre for white power and racial hatred on the internet It's impossible to believe this wasn't pointed out to them during the planning stage, but why on Earth would you go through with it anyway? It's not like Stormfront even makes any bloody sense as a name for a tech outlet!

He's all over local TV in Phoenix. Think he must have some tax deal for 'helping out' local car dealerships or something. Chuck Norris lives (or lived) in Scottsdale, and was in a hilarious local fitness informercial with Kristy Swanson/Brinkley/whichever, in which she spent the whole thing practically drooling over the spandex-clad lassies as they used whatever machines they were there to shill. Was amused to find out later that she's supposed to be entirely straight

Bet he picks the gherkins off too. Tosspot.

Ooh, that's utter shitehawk behaviour, and he did it to me too when I was in Phoenix years ago. I was in a car going past the b*****d's house at the time as well; if the song hadn't obviously been by Brujeria, I'd have been on his doorstep screaming, "NO MORE MR NICE GUY, MOTHERFUCKER!" Was going to post a hilariously cheap faux-Star Trek commercial he did for local TV fifteen years ago, but YouTube doesn't seem to have it. Hoping that it wasn't just a dream/hallucination now, actually

Ghost Shark. Ghost. Fucking. Shark. A movie about a shark that is a ghost. Haven't actually watched it myself, but the kid's all over it like shite on...well, a film called Ghost Shark.

Small price to pay for the soul of your first-born IMO. You did read the small print, right?

Interesting that the cold callers seemed to take Christmas off. You'd think Christmas Day would be the peak time for those soulless drones, what with everyone being at home, and just about to settle down to dinner.