BFTD

I hear rumours that the miracle beverage may be found within the holy land of Asda. I'll report back after the doctor tomorrow.

I've never even had Moray Cup before Should I get my coat?

You're assuming an awful lot about literacy rates, there.

You'd never know what you were watching otherwise. Western civilization would collapse overnight. I like the US approach of sticking the titles on for a minute, before immediately cutting to a commercial break. Puts you in your place as a consumerbot.

Well done, son; good for you. At least you'll be able to put public speaking down as a skill on the ol' CV. If you're still nervous when you get out there, just remember to visualise yourself naked and it'll all be fine.

Yes mum Can't think of anything with obvious red dye that I've been having. I sense it may be poopy time again soon, so fingers crossed that all is well. If not, hopefully I can get my actual mother to come over and keep an eye on the wife while I nip out for an emergency sodomising appointment.

You're on fire this week; I think that's three Charles you've had from me so far.

I even boo when streakers run onto the pitch. BOOOOOOOOBS! When was the last time we had a decent streak in Scottish football, BTW?

In the past, yeah. Including being used as a glove puppet by a sadist when I was 6. That's why I want to avoid it again. Had a colonoscopy a few years ago too, which involves having a long length of tube fed into your bumhole by a doctor. And by "tube", I don't mean "thick, veiny penis"; nor is "doctor" a euphemism for "burly sailor".

Gonna need a diagram before we can help with this, I think. Remember to include your sister as a visual aid.

Been having bright red diarrhoea for the past 24 hours. Any ideas for avoiding the inevitable fisting by a burly sailor snarky doctor with hands best suited for milking cows?

He's actually listed as one the UK's national treasures on the Wikipedia page for the concept, and I've heard/read him referred to as such more than anybody else, easily. Doesn't make it any less guff, of course, despite the fact that I personally think he's awesome.

How is Fash these days? In fairness to him, you'd claim affinity to literally anywhere else rather than by labelled an Essex man.

What the...? Did she win medals at the cock-sucking Olympics or something? Wikipedia tells that she's a cook who's been on a few TV shows...major whooshing going on here.

I'm guessing you're a country fan, judging by the splendid mullet your avatar's sporting. Someone's bound to have done a hip-hop/country crossover by now. Then locked it quietly away, lest it infect others.

Flaming jobby on the doorstep time.

How are you defining 'young'? I thought it was started by those youngsters with their hipping and hopping music.

Just women? It's pretty commonly used for men too. Stephen Fry, for example. Who the f**k is Mary Berry?

Just realised that I'd no idea what 'rape culture' actually means, so I looked it up. Anyone using the term to describe society in the UK is a massive attention-seeking c**t.

Everyone seems to hate him these days...did it turn out that he personally makes a profit out of all this Live Aid stuff or something?

Perhaps he's been declared the new Pope?

Parents can be absolute c***s sometimes.

Uhh...it's all in Arabic?

Found this advert in my inbox this morning

Didnae ken you were from Fife originally. Each to their own.