Cosmic Joe

Hearing that Peter Grant had re-widened the pitch at the Recs got me thinking that this was a psychological attempt at making his team believe they were technically as good as their full-time opponents, and my reaction was aye right, just get in their faces and close them down early etc etc. I must admit, however, that on tonight's showing it looks like PG has got it bang on. Alloa were terrific all over the park. Even his one substitution was a positive move. You would have bet your boots that Buchanan would have replaced the tiring lone striker instead of supplementing the forward line...

Why do you persist with this nonsense King Kebab? When we gave an attendance of 1,998 earlier this season, what do you think the actual figure was?

My personal preference is the Penny Farthing, about a 15 minute walk from the ground. An old fashioned boozer but maybe not suitable for a bus load of supporters. No big screens but I think they do show any live football that's on...

I cannot be arsed with Turkish barbers. I'm fine with a tidy up and a chat about where I'm off to on my holidays. Or about the fitba if it's George Mathers in Lochee. A tenner, keep the change, see you in six weeks...

Imrie's in Leven does a sensational Stornaway black pudding fritter supper...

I'm rarely tempted to head to an American fast food outlet, particularly when hungover. Judging by the above this surprisingly qualifies as an unpopular opinion...

That was it. Thoroughly merited red dot. I did ask. Apparently the customers like their EPL fix. Disappointing...

I think she's provided evidence that dinosaurs still exist...

Too quick...

Was that not just lifted from Delboy off of Only Fools and Horses?

Hannah is a good Yesser. As are most Scots actors...

Each individual scenario is unique, however in the case of a relative seeking the company of an escort/ prostitute I'd steer well clear. On a slight tangent, what you do if your mate was cheating on his/ her partner?

You're pishing oot yer erse...

Is it just me or is the use of the word bird to describe a female human being a complete minter in this day and age? It's like being back with Benny Hill and Sid James in the 1970s. Or maybe I'm getting old and crabbit. I genuinely thought we'd left that sexist pish behind...

It's not difficult to find out your first game when you can recall that it was your birthday, the opponents were Hamilton Accies and your team won 5-0. I can mind my Dad accompanying me under some kind of duress. Mainly from me, as my pals at primary school were East Fife fans and possibly backed up by my Mum, whose father used to play for EF in by-gone days. My Dad was a Dundee United man and for my seventh birthday I'd received an all tangerine kit. I'd hesitate to call it a United strip as there were no black facings on it and he was a complete tightwad (sorry Dad, RIP etc). Anyway, I covered this tangerine embarrassment up in case I bumped into any of my school pals and off we went to Bayview. Can mind walking up Wellesley Road getting lifted over the turnstiles, the reek of pipe tobacco, the sight of the crowd congregated under the covered terracing from our wooden seat in the stand and player manager Pat Quinn running across blowing kisses after scoring a goal. How could you not fall in love with a club after such an introduction?

The most enjoyable part of any Indian meal is the pappadoms and pickles...

Joe McBride (junior) once missed the ball and blootered the corner flag at Douglas Park for East Fife against Clyde. Fortunately for him it wasn't caught on camera...

I wasn't offended. I just spectacularly missed the point. I'm afraid I'm quite good at that...

He? Aha, so that's the funny element. It was a woman making a mess of a corner kick. Got it now...

Genuinely thought he was going to launch the ball boy's seat into the mixer there after that build up...

Final shift in the sweetie factory before retirement thread for this pish

It's the individuals who lurk about when players are arriving or leaving on match days that concern me, and I'm not referring to the kids wanting autographs. Players are incredibly tolerant of this kind of behaviour. You come across some strange stuff sometimes. There was an Edinburgh City fan who wanted a photograph taken with an inflatable Mr Blobby pitchside. You've just got to humour them...

Went to the Hole In The Wall yesterday in Falkirk. Decent enough boozer but let down by showing an English game in favour of the Scottish game on the screens...

Through experience, most managers will quite sensibly swerve these kind of questions post match. Players might not be so savvy...