Raith Against The Machine

Cheer up, Baldy

It's fantastic telly, though.

I was in Asda yesterday morning buying a single loaf of bread, and at the Self Scan tills, there was a family of 3 spreading themselves and their full trolley right across the entrance bit to all 6 tills, while they discussed the legality of using the Express Lane to pay for enough food to feed the entire nation of China. The wee Asda employee turned up, and with all the authority of the toenail on the 4th toe of my left foot, issued the command "It's 20 items or less" several times, until the "Father" of the family turned round, and she bellowed "Oh, you're probably confident with the system" and scuttled away, off to suckle at the teat of the Wal-Mart corporation, no doubt. I should stay away from Asda.

I'm now watching Come Dine With Me and there's some weirdo wifey blending stilton and chicken in a food processor

Nah, just four bottles from Tesco for something around about £3. I couldn't tell you where the nearest Morrison's is from here. Glenrothes, possibly.

Sitting in with Sol, here. Currently dividing my time between P&B, CSI:Miami and studying Macroeconomics.

Why do they put razors in that wee bit? I understand the thinking behind the rest. Put a couple of wee shelves next to the checkouts, load them with sweeties so that the kids pester the parents. Stick batteries there, folk always need batteries and always forget them. But disposable razorblades? What kind of impulse buy is that? "I wish this wifey would hurry up... ooh, razorblades. My legs are rather hairy, I'll just sort them in the car!"

It's worse when it's the checkout woman who's best pals with the old biddy in front of you in the queue. Happened to me yesterday in Asda, I had to stand about for several eras while the octogenarian bint regaled her compadre with tales of how the Real Radio Renegade was in the Bay on Wednesday morning, including a detailed description of how he was at the beach at one point, and then he was at Tesco. Then, after I'd used one of the handily placed disposable razors to shave off the beard I'd grown whilst waiting, she had the temerity to ask me if I'd been out looking for him. No, I fucking wasn't, because I'm not a dribbling mess who has nothing better to do than run around Dalgety Bay's four points of interest harassing passers-by. Now give me the 70cl of Asda vodka and crate of Carlsberg that I'm trying to buy for the 17 year old boy who's waiting outside in my car, and get back to doing your fucking job.

We'll also definitely get beat, though.

Fucking Tokely

f**k off Falkirk I'm not traipsing my arse all the way up to Inverness next season, Grangemouth is much easier to get to.

I misread "fifa" as "Fife". "No, you can't leave until you're 18! And until then, you'll take your shaggings like a man!"

He's 9! Children shouldn't know what sexuality is at that age.

Ooh, calm down there, Bruce Banner.

Maybe that's his deal. I'm not here to judge. I still think several comedic lyrical opportunities were missed when one Weir brother was subbed for the other in our friendly against Hibs this pre-season. Unfortunately, my crippling shyness and raging erection stopped me from getting up to sing "Two Graham Weirs".

Yup, Graham Weir dived. ON YOUR MUM

It's the poor lass at reception in the morning who I feel sorry for. The phone's going to be ringing off the hook with P&Bers desperate for a job.

No, it's just that I generally ejaculate about six feet into the air, so wanking over many of the taller players in the squad would be messy, and probably wouldn't be too well received.

If I was a Rovers player, I'd want to w**k over Graham Weir after every game too.

It's not going to be that much use to you, I imagine, but there were a few job hunting tips in this thread that I started a week or so ago. Oh, and if the Phoenix tells you he can get you a job, ignore him, it's an elaborate rouse

I've got this brilliant laptop, right...

It could be worse, you could be able to drive, and you could've scraped the car in a car park this morning. I didn't do this. I'm a man. Honest! I can park.

Who da man?

Genius = Genius Genious = RETARD

It'll be him 2 seconds later saying "LOUDAAAAAAAAA!"