Victor von Doom

F****** SatNavs! Type of mix-up that happens all the time. You want to make a sensible & legitimate protest about global warming and excessive use of fossil fuels in front of the folk who are responsible for killing our planet, you set the SatNav for Tiananmen Square and it somehow reads it as "Trongate" and sends you to the wrong place. That's even worse than it sending them to Trafalgar Square a few months back.

The absence of a "First World Problems" sub-forum on this site is a shocking omission.

I find European club football strange in the Scottish context. I used to want all Scottish sides to win - even "That Lot." There was no real difference between the average working-class Rangers fan and the average working-class Celtic fan a generation or two ago. Born a wee way down the road, I'd have been one of them. Most IRA and UVF guys in Belfast would be honest enough to recognise that situation in a cultural & political sense, never mind a football one. There's a lot more self-deluding bullscheidt on the part of what are generally far more affluent fans on both sides of the divide these days - and I will say that "That Lot" are more guilty of delusion. I conced we're more guilty of irrational anger (and toe-curling statements) than they are though and, in the context of "Modern Scotland" I can see why far more people hate us. Back in the day though, Scottish clubs had a chance of meaningful progress in Europe. It meant something tangible. Now, there is little chance of genuinely competeing for a trophy, which is depressing when you consider how recent the finals in Manchester and Seville were. So, I really don't give a damn whether Scottish clubs progress. Even us. Other than as a Jolly Boys' Outing for the richer fans, UEFA competitions are fairly meaningless for Scottish cubs. Vienna and Espana were apparently quite nice last season, but I never considered going. Simply not interested - and as for two schleps to Russia and three to Yugoslavia... No thanks. I know a Spoonburner who went to all three European games last season. He spunked nigh-on £2,000 on the three trips: £800+ Faeroes, £500+ for a three-day jaunt to the arse-end of Greece and about £400 to Norway. If enough UEFA prizemoney gets banked via a European run, then I can see it's worthwhile, but otherwise I scarcely see the point of competing. If you're drawn against a genuinely huge club, fair enough - it's something to look forward to as a one-off experience - but the days when the likes of Raith could draw Bayern are long gone. Paris or Prague or a beach by the Mediterranean are also fair enough for an excursion, but the early rounds often produce fixtures against clubs founded by a local mafioso in 2009, in one-horse towns, with crap transport links and little accommodation, in a province of the USSR or Yugoslavia (or the UK!) from which all the decent players have long buggered-off abroad and where the formerly mighty Dinamos, Spartas, Slavias and CSKAs struggle to compete with the new "ambitious" clubs and play in crumbling stadiums in front of 2,000 fans. I just think the whole set-up in virtually meaningless now. How far would a Sheep, Spoonburner, Arab, Jambos, Killie or other fan want to get in Europe to trade the experience for a cup final at Hampden? Anyhow, kick-off time in Paisley. Must dash.

St.Mirren v. Dunfermline on BT Sport. Mark Walker previews the game in the Racing Post and goes for the Pars @ evens on the "double chance" market. St.Mirren have walked in the betting. Generally 8/13, with some 13/20, when the early layers went up. They were 8/11 in Friday's Racing Post Pricewise table but had gone in to 7/10 in the same table in yesterday's paper. Today they're a standout 5/6 with Skybet in that table. Betway, Boyle's, Hill's and Victor now also calling 5/6. I like my bet @ 10/3 for the Pars to win the group.

Those are my tissue prices. I've not looked at any prices. I'll be on Caley Jags at 4/5. That's a comical price. It's simply wrong. If there's a Betfair market, I'll lay the Blue Toon for a few quid at anything south of 4.0. Bet365's 13/5 is atrocious value. It's a below-average, part-time, League One side v. an above average, full-time Championship side. I'd make a bang average Championship side 8/11 or maybe even 4/6 at a bang average League One side. Caley Jags are 4th-in on Bet365's Championship market at 11/2. All prices in League One are inflated by Falkirk being 4/7, but Peterhead, at 16/1, have only 3 clubs behind them in Bet365's League One market. Championship sides have played away to League One sides 13 times in the group stage of this cup. The Championship sides have won 10 of those 13 matches. I'd like to use Bet365's "9/2 Clyde, 2/5 Accies" odds as a comparison, while citing my view that Accies v. Caley on neutral territory would be 11/8 Accies, 9/5 Caley... but I won't, because the game is on neutral territory at Ochilview. (It's odds-on that at least one compiler for an online firm will not know that.) I doubt there'll be any 13/5 shot running at any UK racetrack on Tuesday that represents worse value than Peterhead. They do have an excellent cup record and layers maybe take that into account, but pricing matches up as if Rory Mac is as good a footballer as he is a plumber is plain wrong.

I doubt I'll be bigging anything up in midweek. No genuinely competitive games in the League Cup. About the longest priced favourite I have on my tissue is Livi at 4/6 or 8/13 against Ayr. I make Arbroath about 4/7 at Stirling and Morton the same price at home to Dumbarton, though maybe I'm underestimating the Sons. Caley Jags at close to 1/2 may be vulnerable at Peterhead. I have Falkirk (v. Stranraer), Partick (at Queen's Park) and Q.o.S. (v. their Annan nursery) at 1/2 or a tad shorter. Arabs were poor on Friday but I still say 2/5 at Stenny. Alloa same price at home to Elgin. Sainties at Montrose and Accies at Clyde also 2/5. Pars 4/11 v. Albion. Dundee 1/3 at Cove, Ross no longer than that at Brechin, St.Mirren 1/4 v. Embra and Hearts 1/6 at the Raceway. There'll be plenty of coupons with tenfold accas being handed over shop counters.

Sheep @ 10/11 to finish top three, or the same price "without the Auld Firm", looking a bet... as is 12/5 the Spoonburners for the bottom six.

Shout out to him for getting a 4 team Acca with 2 short odds home favourites wrong? Harsh. He didn't recommend the acca as such. Three out of four, being denied the clean sweep by an injury-time goal, is a very good start. I'd take it. I'm satisfied with my start. Two odds-on away winners, a 9/5 loser, Partick in a strong position to win the group @ 7/2, outright picks Motherwell winning comfortably and Hibs... ehhhh.... well, playing like a collection of Northern Premier and Welsh League footballers for some unfathomable reason.

Surely Cummings could execute a perfect "Panenka", could he not?

Miggs.net - the website for deranged onanists - still in lockdown. Funny thing is, I've forgotten my password, so I can't look in for a laugh.

Just the sort of dismissive, arrogant, middle-class, SNP elitist snobbery one expects from Spoonburners. They believe they're the only one's affluent enough to afford heroin, while everyone else makes do with Zoff or Uhu.

Shout out to "Figaro" in the Racing & Football Outlook. He tipped four at the start of the week. Napped Peterhead @ 13/20; Albion, who drifted out to 5/2 this morning; Forfar, hammered in to 11/20 from much longer early quotes; and Livi, who walked out to 9/10 today. Connor Sammon's equaliser in the 91st minute sunk a 16/1 acca.

Aye, against Connah's Quay or The New Saints in the Challenge Cup next year.

What are you talking here? Japanese Yen? Philippine Peso might be pushing it. Knowing you lot, you might even be on about Turkish Lira.

I certainly haven't. I took 4/1 Falkirk making the play-offs after about 10 games two seasons ago. I've grasped that the odds about anything with hubcaps being intact after a wee while parked at the statue end of West Blackhall Street are quite lengthy though.

I shrewdly took 9/5 Annan earlier in the week. 19/10 is now available. Also shrewdly took 8/11 Motherwell... Before one bookie went up at 4/5, though that's gone now. Dundee at 10/11 was another shrewd investment, as they're now 19/20. Mark Walker in the Racing Post is usually a reliable tipster, though he's no Stuart Carruthers. Walker's column today recommends MOTHERWELL as the headline selection at 8/11, ANNAN at that 19/10 and FALKIRK at 7/2. He tipped Falkirk to win their group at 5/1 in yesterday's preview. Only 1-point investments advised on all three. He opened with a slightly jammy winner last night - advising 1-point on the Arabs in the "double chance" market at 6/4.

Mark Walker does a short League Cup preview in today's Racing Post. He recommends RANGERS @ 4/1 outright, having missed the opening 5/1 with Fred. Recommends FALKIRK @ 5/1 in the group betting with Fred. Opts for DUNDEE UNITED in tonight's game @ 6/4 with Boylesports on the "double chance" market - i.e. to win or draw.

Drat!... Drat!... and Doubledrat! A likely "Hall of Fame" Pie and Bovril Gold thread ruined by a late goal. Amusing that you were genuinely worried. You'd have almost certainly overturned a one-goal deficit at Rugby Park pretty comfortably anyhow. Would be more amusing if Morrison's gang played Ayr in the Challenge Cup.

League Cup. I'm on Hibs e.w. @ 20/1. I missed that 50/1 'Well but took 40/1 e.w. Groups. Got the 7/2 Partick (now 11/4) & the 10/3 Pars (still there) and backed Sainties @ 10/11 - even though I think Ross will do OK. On Dundee @ 10/11, 'Well 8/11 and Annan 9/5 for Saturday's games. Edit: I think that's the 1st time I've ever failed to spot a Partick / Patrick spellchecker correction before posting. Getting old

You'll not believe this, but I used to live a quick march around the walls of Mountjoy Prison from the club you're possibly named after. I didn't have to try as hard to buy skag in Phibsborough as I would've had to buy it in Leith before half of Leith became gentrified. Right. That's enough trolling for one thread. Your Polish goalie still intrigues me though. My coaching acquaintance knows his goalies. Maybe I should enquire on Miggs.net (the home of deranged onanists) or whatever the other one's called. High Bees Dunce, is it not?

Must be hard to take when you come down from your latest skag trip and find you've wasted the money you'd planned to use for your next hit on a Jolly Boys' Outing to a meaningless game in England, but there really is no need to take it out on (relatively) innocent Sassenachs.

Not that I'll get a serious reply, but serious question. I know a Spoonburner who's a goalie coach. He's seen your Polish kid Dabrowski play. I think only two games over the two seasons Dabrowski's been there, but he rates him. His spoonburning mates who've seen more of the lad think he's decent. Yet I'm cackling like Vincent Price, watching videos of your three keepers chucking four goals in the net and conceding a nutmeg in three games. Marciano's the second-best goalie in the league and even he's at it. And Dabrowski's loaned out to Cowden for a season. How's that?

I posted this on the Gambling Forum, but it might be of interest on here... if anyone's fed up counting sheep. The League Cup has been played in this format for three seasons. That's not much of a sample to be drawing conclusions. There have been several hearty guffaws at biggish clubs being beaten by much smaller ones, but shocks at the group stage have not been as plentiful as the memory suggests. Here’s a statistical breakdown of the 240 group games on a Division v Division basis: Premiership v. Premiership: P4 W0 D3 L1 Not many, due to the seeding system. The TV companies might need a rethink when it comes to screening these. Rangers won 2-0 at Motherwell in the first all-top-flight game. All three games since then have ended 0-0. Ross-Hibs, Accies-Livi and Killie-St.Mirren. Do coaches set-up cautiously, believing a point will be good enough to progress if the lower division sides are despatched? Two of the matches were in the opening round of games and one in round three when both teams were still 100%. Accies v. Livi was in round two last year and Accies had already fouled-up by losing at Annan on opening day. Premiership v. Championship: P17 W10 D5 L2 Not a high enough home win percentage to justify wading-in blindly with accas. The two losers have been in something approaching disarray: Killie losing 2-0 to Morton three years ago; Dundee losing 1-0 to the Pars last term. Premiership v. League 1: P12 W9 D3 L0 The goals tally in these games is 28-3. Killie were a shambles when they drew 0-0 with Albion & lost on pens, having lost at home to Morton a week earlier. Accies 1-1 with Airdrie last year is a lively derby. No real excuse for St.Johnstone being held 0-0 by E.Fife though. Premiership v. League 2: P13 W13 D0 L0 100% and the goals tally here is 48-2. Two early Clyde goals at Rugby Park in a 2017 game Killie won 4-2 are the only goals registered by a basement team on a Premiership ground. Premiership v. Non-League: P4 W3 D1 L0 12 goals in the Non-League net without reply until Stubbsy’s St.Mirren scraped a 2-2 draw v. Spartans last July. Championship v. Premiership: P3 W1 D1 L1 With Seed #1 always at home to Seed #2, these games can only occur on the rare occasions when there are two Premiership clubs in the same group, so not much of a sample. Championship v. Championship: P12 W6 D1 L5 Not much of a deviation from what you’d expect. Championship v. League 1: P22 W13 D5 L4 Of the four losers, Dumbarton stayed up after losing to E.Fife in 2016. Raith (0-1 v. Alloa), Dumbarton (1-3 v. Ayr) & Falkirk (0-1 v. Montrose) were all on their way to relegation 10 months later. Championship v. League 2: P19 W18 D1 L0 The type of percentage that inspires confidence. Dumbarton’s 0-0 v. Annan two years back, when the Sons were already out, is the only blemish. Championship v. Non-League: P2 W1 D1 L0 Q.o.S. could not beat East Kilbride - and it wasn’t in 2016, the month before Dobbie arrived, but the following year. Dobbie scored in the shoot-out. No other Doonhamer managed that. League 1 v. Premiership: P21 W3 D6 L12 Not stats to fill your boots by. Alloa knocked-out holders Ross County 3-2, Peterhead knocked-out Dundee 2-1 in the same year and Ayr beat dysfunctional Killie 1-0 in the opening Friday night game two seasons ago. League 1 v. Championship: P12 W1 D2 L9 Good percentage for the “senior” clubs. Arbroath’s 4-1 over Ross last year the only home win. Morton (at Albion) and Pars (at E.Fife) the other second-tier clubs to drop points League 1 v. League 1: P9 W5 D4 L1 Odd that there have been only 9 games. Pot luck with the draw I suppose. Queen’s Park at Stenny in 2016 have been the only away winners. League 1 v. League 2: P17 W11 D2 L4 Just one win better than the pair of almost identical 59% win ratios in the other “one division gap” fixtures above. League 1 v. Non-League: P2 W2 D0 L0 Straightforward wins for Alloa v. Cove and Stranraer v. E.Kilbride. League 2 v. Premiership: P18 W2 D1 L15 McAllister’s last-gasp pen sunk Hearts at Balmoor two years back and Annan beat Accies last year. St.Mirren being held 0-0 at Queen’s Park last July was the only draw. Six Premiership wins have been by the odd goal. League 2 v. Championship: P15 W3 D3 L9 The away team won all six of these last year, by a 20-2 aggregate goal tally. That shifted the percentages back towards what might be expected. League 2 v. League 1: P13 W5 D1 L7 Not much seasonal variation. More away wins than would be expected, as third-tier teams don’t usually start odds-on away to basement outfits. League 2 v. League 2: P9 W3 D3 L3 As with the intra-League One games, a paucity of fixtures and results about what you’d expect. League 2 v. Non-League: P4 W3 D0 L1 Stenny lost to E.Kilbride. The other fixtures have been close. Non-League v. Premiership: P4 W0 D0 L4 Only 11-1 on aggregate to the top-flight sides, with Shire, EK, Cove and Spartans not conceding more than three. Non-League v. Championship: P2 W0 D0 L2 Struggling Raith and Dundee United sides saw-off Cove and Buckie respectively. Non-League v. League 1: P4 W1 D1 L2 Cove beat Raith, Spartans drew with Dumbarton. Buckie let in five and EK six though. Non-League v. League 2: P2 W1 D0 L1 Cove beat Montrose 3-0, Shire lost 2-0 to Annan.

The League Cup has been played in this format for three seasons. That's not much of a sample to be drawing conclusions. There have been several hearty guffaws at biggish clubs being beaten by much smaller ones, but shocks at the group stage have not been as plentiful as the memory suggests. Here’s a statistical breakdown of the 240 group games on a Division v Division basis: Premiership v. Premiership P4 W0 D3 L1 Not many, due to the seeding system. The TV companies might need a rethink when it comes to screening these. Rangers won 2-0 at Motherwell in the first all-top-flight game. All three games since then have ended 0-0. Ross-Hibs, Accies-Livi and Killie-St.Mirren. Do coaches set-up cautiously, believing a point will be good enough to progress if the lower division sides are despatched? Two of the matches were in the opening round of games and one in round three when both teams were still 100%. Accies v. Livi was in round two last year and Accies had already fouled-up by losing at Annan on opening day. Premiership v. Championship P17 W10 D5 L2 Not a high enough home win percentage to justify wading-in blindly with accas. The two losers have been in something approaching disarray: Killie losing 2-0 to Morton three years ago; Dundee losing 1-0 to the Pars last term. Premiership v. League 1 P12 W9 D3 L0 The goals tally in these games is 28-3. Killie were a shambles when they drew 0-0 with Albion & lost on pens, having lost at home to Morton a week earlier. Accies 1-1 with Airdrie last year is a lively derby. No real excuse for St.Johnstone being held 0-0 by E.Fife though. Premiership v. League 2 P13 W13 D0 L0 100% and the goals tally here is 48-2. Two early Clyde goals at Rugby Park in a 2017 game Killie won 4-2 are the only goals registered by a basement team on a Premiership ground. Premiership v. Non-League P4 W3 D1 L0 12 goals in the Non-League net without reply until Stubbsy’s St.Mirren scraped a 2-2 draw v. Spartans last July. Championship v. Premiership P3 W1 D1 L1 With Seed #1 always at home to Seed #2, these games can only occur on the rare occasions when there are two Premiership clubs in the same group, so not much of a sample. Championship v. Championship P12 W6 D1 L5 Not much of a deviation from what you’d expect. Championship v. League 1 P22 W13 D5 L4 Of the four losers, Dumbarton stayed up after losing to E.Fife in 2016. Raith (0-1 v. Alloa), Dumbarton (1-3 v. Ayr) & Falkirk (0-1 v. Montrose) were all on their way to relegation 10 months later. Championship v. League 2 P19 W18 D1 L0 The type of percentage that inspires confidence. Dumbarton’s 0-0 v. Annan two years back, when the Sons were already out, is the only blemish. Championship v. Non-League P2 W1 D1 L0 Q.o.S. could not beat East Kilbride - and it wasn’t in 2016, the month before Dobbie arrived, but the following year. Dobbie scored in the shoot-out. No other Doonhamer managed that. League 1 v. Premiership P21 W3 D6 L12 Not stats to fill your boots by. Alloa knocked-out holders Ross County 3-2, Peterhead knocked-out Dundee 2-1 in the same year and Ayr beat dysfunctional Killie 1-0 in the opening Friday night game two seasons ago. League 1 v. Championship P12 W1 D2 L9 Good percentage for the “senior” clubs. Arbroath’s 4-1 over Ross last year the only home win. Morton (at Albion) and Pars (at E.Fife) the other second-tier clubs to drop points League 1 v. League 1 P9 W5 D4 L1 Odd that there have been only 9 games. Pot luck with the draw I suppose. Queen’s Park at Stenny in 2016 have been the only away winners. League 1 v. League 2 P17 W11 D2 L4 Just one win better than the pair of almost identical 59% win ratios in the other “one division gap” fixtures above. League 1 v. Non-League P2 W2 D0 L0 Straightforward wins for Alloa v. Cove and Stranraer v. E.Kilbride. League 2 v. Premiership P18 W2 D1 L15 McAllister’s last-gasp pen sunk Hearts at Balmoor two years back and Annan beat Accies last year. St.Mirren being held 0-0 at Queen’s Park last July was the only draw. Six Premiership wins have been by the odd goal. League 2 v. Championship P15 W3 D3 L9 The away team won all six of these last year, by a 20-2 aggregate goal tally. That shifted the percentages back towards what might be expected. League 2 v. League 1 P13 W5 D1 L7 Not much seasonal variation. More away wins than would be expected, as third-tier teams don’t usually start odds-on away to basement outfits. League 2 v. League 2 P9 W3 D3 L3 As with the intra-League One games, a paucity of fixtures and results about what you’d expect. League 2 v. Non-League P4 W3 D0 L1 Stenny lost to E.Kilbride. The other fixtures have been close. Non-League v. Premiership P4 W0 D0 L4 Only 11-1 on aggregate to the top-flight sides, with Shire, EK, Cove and Spartans not conceding more than three. Non-League v. Championship P2 W0 D0 L2 Struggling Raith and Dundee United sides saw-off Cove and Buckie respectively. Non-League v. League 1 P4 W1 D1 L2 Cove beat Raith, Spartans drew with Dumbarton. Buckie let in five and EK six though. Non-League v. League 2 P2 W1 D0 L1 Cove beat Montrose 3-0, Shire lost 2-0 to Annan.

Can Kilmallie avoid relegation in the sport of genuine local interest?