Victor von Doom

As someone who used to work for them, allow me to assure you that nobody working for the BBC ever has a reason to be offended.

She's likely changed it since, but I have Liz Hurley's mobile number on my phone. I used to work underneath her... in the sense that I worked in an office that was on the floor immediately below the Hurley Beach office, not in any other sense. For anyone into impressive physiques but batting for the other team, Richard Fairbrass had an office and studio just across the corridor.

RACING & FOOTBALL OUTLOOK preview is in this week's edition. I'm 99% sure that their leading football tipster - "Figaro" - isn't one man. It's not a racing tipster deal like "Templegate" in the Sun or "Robin Goodfellow" in the Daily Mail, where one journo performs the role and serves for 10 or 20 years ... or Alf Rubin being "Cayton" in the Morning Star for about 50 years. The guy who does the "Figaro" column that's based on computer data & statistics is probably the same guy every week. The "Figaro" doing the more normal tipping columns appears to change on a column-by-column basis, never mind week-by-week... and it's never seemingly Mark Walker. Anyhow, "Figaro" pens the double-page centre spread piece in this weeks RFO. As the club-by-club predictions artistically dotted around the outside of the main piece are by Steve Davies and both "Figaro" and Mr. Davies have The Famous down to win the title, I think we can deduce that Steve Davies is "Figaro" for the preview. Davies is a decent football tipster. He's better at darts. Was on a good run until the World Matchplay preview at the weekend. Tipped-up Gerwyn Price @ 20/1 as his main selection - Price was chinned by Stephen Bunting in Round One. Tipped Nathan Aspinall to win his quarter - Aspinall lost to Mervyn King first time out. Headlined Johnny Clayton @ 7/4 at the best first round match bet against camera-shy and stagefright specialist Ian White - a sensible tip, as Clayton made it to a final before being hamered by the red-hot Peter Wright ten days ago... or it looked sensible before White beat him 10-0. He did tip Glen Durrant for his quarter at 11/1 and, after wins over Adrian Lewis and Michael Van Gerwen, only James Wade stands between Duzza and the semis. So, here's "Figaro"'s piece... “So the big question is, are prices of no bigger than 4/11 about Celtic retaining their title and winning ten in a row correct, or will 9/4 shots RANGERS be able to spoil their party, writes Figaro. Both will be motivated by achieving, or stopping a tenth consecutive Hoops hooley because Rangers’ own record title sequence stands at nine in a row. Neil Lennon has returned to Celtic Park to complete the job and the Northern Irishman, who won three titles as Bhoys’ manager from 2011 to 2014 and then again at the end of last season, has been welcomed back with open arms and he looks to be the perfect fit. His team deserve to be favourites but maybe not to the extent that those early quotes suggest – prices closer to 4/6 and 6/4 look more realistic. A look at our Analysis feature on pages 14 & 15 will show you that Rangers were catching up with their deadly rivals as the season progressed. Celtic have a tradition of relaxing once they have become champions – they usually have a cup final to prepare for – but the rate at which Rangers closed the gap was still impressive so the nine-point gap may be a little misleading. You could argue that the title hinged on Gers losing twice at Celtic Park. If they can draw there twice this time around, that would create a six-point swing while one win and one draw would see a ten-point shift. So at 9/4 the second favourites have a hint of value and a modest wager on them looks the bet. Kilmarnock’s surprise presence in third place was partly due to manager Steve Clarke, who has since left to take charge of Scotland’s national team. It’s hard to imagine them staying there but no team lost fewer away games than Killie and conceding only 31 in 38 games was some achievement. They may fall back but 13/10 about them dropping into the bottom six looks short enough. Ross County have started like a train in the League Cup with three wins and ten goals, capped by Sunday’s triumph at a depleted St. Johnstone, so it’s surprising to see them as relegation favourites. LIVINGSTON look a better bet for a bottom-two finish for reasons detailed in the Scottish Analysis feature. In the Championship, Bet365 have taken a view about DUNDEE UNITED winning the title by offering 9/4 when most go 7/4. They may well be wrong so take them on. Falkirk are a warm order for League One at no more than 4/7 but they have had a huge squad overhaul and deployed eight debutants in their League Cup opener. They have an easy start with two winnable home games plus trips to the promoted clubs but the price will look daft if they start slowly. It may be worth taking the 6/1 on offer about RAITH instead." Recommendations: RANGERS to win the Premiership – 1 point @ 9/4 general. LIVINGSTON bottom-two finish – 1 point @ 11/4 general. DUNDEE UNITED to win Championship – 2 points @ 9/4 Bet365. RAITH to win League One – 1 point @ 6/1 Betfair, Power, Sky. The accompanying club-by-club prose by Steve Davies goes... 1 - Rangers 2 - Celtic 3 - Hearts 4 - Aberdeen 5 - Hibs 6 - Killie 7 - St. Johnstone 8 - Motherwell 9 - St. Mirren 10 - Ross County 11 - Hamilton 12 - Livingston

...Maybe I should be Mark Walker though. I put-up two "group winner" bets - Jags @ 7/2 on the ante-post thread (may have been cut to 11/4 by the time I posted on here) and Pars @ 10/3. Jags only need to jump the last; Pars only need to avoid a Devon Loch impression.

Guy puts up three £100 singles. Gets two winners @ 2/1 and 29/20. Draws £545 for a £245 profit. Laughing matter, right enough. Utter onanist. If I went to the races, had three £100 bets and walked-out £245 to the good, I'd be well pleased. ...and, "No" - I'm not Mark Walker. I just thought it might be informative to post the selections of the only man in the media spotlight who gets paid for making them. I found his 'Well v. 'Ton tip strange enough to raise an eyebrow, especially as it didn't seem to have a statistical basis, but, as I say, he does OK over the season. He has to find two or three bets on every Scottish coupon, which makes things difficult. There was the square sum of shag all I fancied yesterday, aside from Q.o.S. who shortened-up a mite from opening quotes. Walker doesn't have a "Recommendation: No Bet" option on his column. For what it's worth, he tips Ross County at 19/10 with Bet365 for today's televised game at McDiarmid.

Racing Post tips today, from Mark Walker as usual. He goes for ELGIN as the headline selection. Hill's were 29/20 this morning. There was plenty of 8/5 around Thursday night and yesterday morning. They've been cut to 5/4 now, though Marathonbet go 63/50. STRANRAER -2 on handicap at 2/1 with Fred & Coral is also recommended. I haven't been counting but if Mr. Walker says Berwick have lost their last 10 competive matches by an aggregate of 36-0, I'll believe him. The form Arbroath are in, it's lucky Berwick aren't playing the Lichties. The Wee Rangers might have a shout against Bon Accord though. STENHOUSEMUIR @ 5/2 with Hill's and Sky for the win in Methil is the third tip. Victor doesn't agree and has pushed Stenny out to 14/5. East Fife now odds-on across the board. He just opts for a 1-point bet on each of the trio.

Was I tripping when I thought our ambassador to Washington was in the news last week?

Surely, given that the ideology of the entire region is 1,000 years behind everyone else's, local rules dictate that we nominate a champion to fight in our stead? How much would the Saudis want?

Wild guess here... Jordyn Sheerin is #7 for Cowden? ...and where exactly does this Barnesy character say he's driving? Says he's travelling up and asks about parking. Disnae mean he's the one behind the wheel.

Well, that was an authoritative disagreement with the bookies over the Caley Jags price. I blew a few bawbees there . Maybe they know more than me after all. I looked after about 35 minutes. Caley were 4-0 up on corners and about 5-2 up on shots. Peterhead must've erse-raped them in the second half from the overall stats. Brondby losing was a shocker. Looked a great bet at 17/20 or whatever after skooshing the first leg. As for Killie... Sheesh! I looked at the 10/1 Connah's Quay last week and was slightly tempted. Maybe they'd get a ref sympathetic to their "hard-but-borderline" tactics, Killie might be frustrated and retaliate naively. It happens with vastly superior teams sometimes. A Killie red card and a 1-0 CQ was possible. After Killie nicked the 2-1 win, I didn't even consider Betway's 25/1 Connah's Quay for the 2nd leg yesterday, never mind backing them at whatever price they were to qualify. So. Latest League Cup action. Mark Walker in the Racing Post got both TV games right last weekend: going for the overpriced away underdog in the "Double Chance" market both times. He goes for a creative option in his preview of MOTHERWELL v. MORTON tonight - "Over 2.5 goals and both teams to score" at 21/20 with Bet365. Considering there are plenty of games where a standard "Over 2.5 goals" is 21/20 or better, that's a left-field call. The accompanying stats table says only 39% of Morton's games last season went "Over 2.5" and Motherwell's tally was 50%. However, Mr. Walker generally turns a fair profit over a season, so I'm not arguing against that recommended investment. Joe Champion did the Racing & Football Outlook preview earlier this week and goes for Motherwell -1 on handicap, which is a shade of odds-against with most layers. Mr. Champion also did the St. Johnstone v. Ross County preview and went for Sainties to win @ 5/4. I've backed 'Well each-way @ 40/1 to triumph at Hampden, but I won't be getting involved on tonight's game at the prices. (5/11 Motherwell in a place, 11/2 Morton generally.) Figaro's weekend preview in Racing & Football Outlook obviously had to be penned prior to the midweek games. He picked Dunfermline as his headline selection at 4/6 away to Edinburgh City. East Fife are tipped @21/20 v. Stenny; Clyde @ 11/8 v. Airdrie and Sainties @ a standout 5/4 with Skybet for their home clash with Ross County. Bankers getting write-ups are Hibs @ 2/7, Stranraer @ 3/10 and St. Mirren @ 3/10. I can't see a lot I fancy. I put a small circle around Q.o.S. in the dead rubber at Dumbarton, but they've been cut quite a bit from the 20/21 and 19/20 in this morning's Racing Post Pricewise table. Ayr would be a cracking bet to see-off Falkirk at 21/20 on much of last season's form, but I can't see that price being great value just now. Unless there are drastic price changes, I doubt I'll be having a bet.

I have one acquaintance who booked for Cyprus before the Niederkorn game - and he went, with two mates! - and he booked for Kosovo last month, before Prishtina lost to St. Joseph's. he didn't go to Kosovo though! Scheidt happens. Anyone who'd rather see Killie reimburse fans - rather than use the money to pay a transfer target an extra few hundred a week to make sure he opts for Killie and not, say, Wrexham or Chesterfield - is no supporter of Kilmarnock FC.

I really don't give a shag about Scottish teams in Europe, because we can't realistically win anything. However, we should not be laughing at this too loudly, as it reflects badly on the Scottish game. No, it sn't as bad as us losing to Niederkorn. They likely pay three times what Connah's Quay pay, but we pay five or six times what Killie do. But it's still embarrassing. I think Colwyn Bay have joined the Welsh League this term from the English Leagues. They start at Division Two level. They'll be in the top four in Wales next season after they get promoted in May. They bounced around between Northern Premier and Conference North in the English Leagues. That's about Connah's Quay's standard. About the same level as a club bouncing between League One and League Two up here. Have to fear for Killie with the "ambitious" managerial signing - as I "fear" for the Spoonburners with their English League One / English League Two XI. (But I quite like Killie; I hate the Spoonburners) Some things just don't work in Scottish football.

"Signor Dolce, my name is Morrison. On behalf of the assembled multitudes, I'd like to warmly welcome you to British football. I feel certain your stay with us will prove educational to both of us." I'm sort of laughing. I sort of laughed at us losing to Niederkorn. But that's an almost tragic loss. What a gang that mob are. They were 25/1 to win tonight's leg, never mind the tie. I hope things work out for you, but Signor Dolce will need to be a very quick learner.

May I express my heartfelt condolences to the bereaved - families, friends, dealers, etc. - of the 1,200 Hibees who've tragically passed on over the past 12 months? Given the scale of this catastrophe, it's immensely impressive that your gates and season ticket sales are holding-up so well.

I'd opt for the most idiotic ideolgies first and work backwards. "All Ethnic Groups And All Cultures Are Equal... Except Those I Don't Like" is clearly the most asinine falsehood on which anyone has ever had to temerity to base a society. Adherents of that would go first. So, UK = Terra Nullius. Immediately. Most of the rest of Western Europe would follow in short order. "Aye Ees Aye Skeen!" is clearly number #2... but most of those adhering strictly to that are English and would already be dead. A fair portion of the southern USA would be in trouble here but few others. So, other nations espousing the almost mindless practice of racial self-definition would be next in line. This does, indeed, see most of sub-Saharan Africa disappearing. The two minor b*****disations of Judaism are also ideologies criminally lacking in thought and originality - not to mention the outrageous plagiarism of nicking the Jews' God in the first place. The older of these two appears to have grown out of its more execrable excesses. So far as I'm aware, disputing the central tenets of the older of the two is no longer an offence in any society that might still claim to be based upon its teachings. So they might be OK. Convesely, every society that claims to base its ideology on the younger of the two minor b*****disations of Judaism has legislation that treats any questioning of its tenets as an extremely serious criminal offence: a capital offence in many cases. I mean, we know God is probably an Englishman. Consequently, gross incompetence and comical tokenist "diversity" will come as standard, but choosing an illiterate, pagan gentile, in a cave in Arabia, as the conduit through which he sought to correct all the errors he'd made - in his omniscience - in previous revelations to Hebrew prophets down the millennia really is taking things a bit f****** far, isn't it? So, all nations following Mohammed (pbuh) would go as well. That would leave us with three-quarters of Asia - on which the Chinese could impose the necessary social engineering to ensure the problem doesn't resurface, most of the Americas, easten Europe and Oceania. Should be room for their excess citizens in Africa, west Asia and western Europe. ...And if I don't get banned for this post, then there might yet be some hope for Scotland... which there isn't.

Aye, but Richard Attenborough has been busy on some island off the coast of Costa Rica.

What really gets me laughing like Stuart Hall is the statement that "Global warming is the greatest threat the planet faces!" There's not even a monotheistc religion that has a article of faith more idiotic than that. Overpopulation by humans is the greatest problem the planet faces. Anyone who says otherwise is a moron. Global warming is caused by the excess of humans on the planet. If the planet's problems were football teams, overpopulation would be Brazil 1970. By comparison, global warming would be at about the level Berwick Rangers are at now. Nobody even discusses the real problem and nobody shows any inclination to do so. Except the Chinese. The population of Ethiopia is triple what it was when Saint Bob told us to send fockin' money now. There's another major famine due any year now, but we won't sit back and watch nature take its course. We'll be demonstrating and high-handedly moralising to an extent that makes the supercilious scheidt about plastic doing the rounds today look like the philosophy of a Zen master. Why not have a reality TV show? All the nations of the world choose representatives for some sort of "Hunger Games" or "Running Man" or "Rollerball" type of deal. (If b*****d intellectuals insist on resurrecting "The Krypton Factor" I might grudgingly allow that, but the viewing figures would be disappointing. Even doing this as "It's a Knockout" would get a bigger audience than that.) Nations eliminated early in the piece get wiped out. Perhaps not nukes, as such. Maybe anthrax. Or perhaps drop some chemicals on them that result in irreversible sterilisation of the entire poplulation. (I think the UK government is volunteering us Brits for something similar with its LGBT "education" in primary schools, but that's a wimp-out. Joe Public won't pay to watch it and Rupert Murdoch won't pay to televise it, so it makes no sense.) Donald Trump could dress-up as maybe The Joker or the Grim Reaper or even Davros off "Doctor Who" and press the button. Imagine what the pay-per-view figures would be for that. Problem solved!

I always credit my source if something's not mine... though I never give a shag if anyone wants to tap me.

Cheesis Aitch Korreist! A sensible football fan. Anyone would think you supported Parti... Oh! Sorry.... Forgot where I was. I'll just grab my coat and head back to Follow Follow.

Aye... but that's almost exactly the point. There is no more danger/damage from plastic now than there was two years ago, when someone started successfully disseminating one-sided (but largely truthful) information about the subject. We now have the mobile vulgus ignorantly wanting all plastic destroyed and production stopped - which even the most radical scientific minds in the relevant field agree would cause far more problems than it solves. As a species, we want simple solutions that don't require much thought. It's cathartic if they do require as much emotion as possible. It's why religions were so popular for so long - and why they still are in places where deconstructing them is frowned upon. Bombing a few Chinese and Indian diplomatic premises or planting bombs on mainland China would be far more effective - and far more to my way of doing things - than blocking roads and bridges in Central London for 10 days, ensuring that 1000s of sub-minimum-wage "self-employed" immigrant drivers struggle to earn a living and a lot of people are inconvenienced. The stipendiary parasitocracy wasn't in a position to give the children of the Red Clydeside generation permanent sinecures 50 years ago. It is in a position to give them to their "Never Do A Day's Work In Their Lives" great-grandchildren now.

No. But like the illegitimate son of the God of the Jews, we've risen again in reasonable health.

Nope. It's just that the main reason these protesters stage protests is to make themselves feel good and salve their own consciences. That goes for most "right-on" protesters in Western countries. They inevitably come from the more affluent sectors of society and, as such, are more dependent on (and bear more responsibility for) the things they're protesting about. It's almost always a tokenist gesture and it almost always involves demands that Somebody Else does something about the problem. The problems that the protesters want "solved" are deep-seated, largely intractable and often insoluble in any practical way. The vision that comes to mind on these occasions is a scene in Richard Attenborough's hagiography of Mohandas K. Gandhi. An ashen-faced and tearful Hindu man comes to Gandhi and explains that he has smashed a Muslim child's head against a rock in inter-communal riots. He tells Mahatma that his soul will be condemned to exist in hell for eternity. He seems as concerned for his soul as he is contrite for the murder. "I know a way out of hell" says Gandhi. "Find a Muslim boy who has been orphaned in the riots and raise him as your own son." The murderer briefly looks hopeful, before Gandhi adds the rider... "Only raise him as a Muslim. That is your way out of hell." In the Hindu parts of the newly defined India-Pakistan border zone, riven by rioting and mass murder, being a Hindu and having to raise a boy as a Muslim is an eyewateringly high price to be asked to pay for a ticket out of hell. But tickets out of hell are always eyewateringly expensive. The few brass bawbees the protesters are prepared to pay don't even cover a platform ticket. Their demands that Somebody Else pay the actual fare are as amusing as they are pathetic. Perhaps the other analogy that comes to mind is the tale of the two I.R.A. men who went to Moscow at about the time Gandhi was beginning to make progress in the struggle for Indian independence. Stalin was keen on fomenting unrest against Britain and its empire. The 'RA lads were hopeful of an audience with a highranking Soviet official. Having been kept hanging around in Moscow for a few days, they got one. High enough up the ladder for them to have heard of him. They were escorted into the Kremlin by a flunkie and led to a grand office, almost adjacent to Zinoviev's. They were seated in front of an empty desk. Having left them sweating for a while, the senior party commissar entered, carrying a file. He silently sat down behind the desk and perused a few pages before speaking. "Tell me, gentlemen, how many bishops have you killed?" The 'RA boys were renedered almost catatonic by the question. Would-be revolutionaries they might be, but even allowing the thought of failing to kiss a bishop's ring to enter their heads would've seen them on their knees reciting "Hail Marys" for weeks. "None", came the nervous reply. The commissar slowly closed the file, rose and headed for the door. "Come back and see me when you're serious."

In the words of Bill Hicks (pbuh): "Hitler had the right idea; he was just an underachiever. You wanna save the planet? Kill yourselves."

Yep! A country extracting as much fossil fuel from its offshore waters as Scotland does should be given an award for combating global warming. Why not a Nobel Prize of some sort? Perhaps Henry Kissinger and Aung San Suu Kyi could be flown-in to present it.

"Oh dearie me! Oh scheidt! I'm supported by my parents, who are are stipendiary parasites, who've "worked" all their lives in the public sector or at a semi-state quango - creating no wealth and earning no money, but being paid a generous stipend to perform less-than-essential bureaucratic functions. I'm attending a university, to study a course I don't pay for, in preparation for a "career" doing exactly what my parents have done - and maybe starting down the road to a sideline in politics by being a local councillor on a £10k p.a. "allowance". And I'm doing all this in an evil imperialist society, whose wealth is dependent on the virtual enslavement of two-thirds of the planet's population. And there's a 9-y-o Pakistani girl, making my Primark clothes for 15 cents an hour, with her jugular being crushed by the jackboot I'm wearing on my right foot. And there's some African dude, harvesting the coffee I desperately need with my avocado toast for $10 per week, with his jugular under the heel of the jackboot I'm wearing on my left boot. And I wish poor people like them didn't have to work like that, for so little money, but I like buying cheap clothes and cheap food, because it allows me and my parents to pour a few more drinks down our throats when we go to the subsidised bar at our university or public sector workplace, before we call an Uber, driven by a "self-employed" immigrant earning sub-minimum-wage, to ferry us home. And I honestly feel terrible about the unjust system the evil, capitalist West operates on, and I'd like to change it - so long as changing it doesn't require any real effort or genuine sacrifice. But changing it's soooo difficult, so I'll just pretend the fact I'm black / Pakistani / homosexual / vegan / left-handed / a Leo / a St.Johnstone fan makes me a victim of the evil system that sustains me. And I'll delude myself that I care by taking part in pathetic protests that inconvenience working folk who are not "right-minded" like I am and which bring no pressure to bear on anyone who can do anything meaningful to change the situation. God! This is thirsty work! Where's the nearest place I can get a cappuccino or a non-refrigerated smoothie that wasn't mixed using electricity?"