Victor von Doom

We've loaned you Middleton?!? That's fantastic. I'm not even checking it, just in case it's true. Was that Ms. Dumpster using her Ibrox connections? Just stick with that two-wingers-no-midfield formation next week - preferably with Middleton on the wing - and do not pick Slivka.

F****** Jags! F****** Glasgow Warriors Rugby Union supporters pretending to follow football, in order to gain some sort of working-class street cred. They should be deported to St.Pauli. ...Just kidding. Quite like the Jags really

Just as a comparison with a professional... Mark Walker in the Racing Post usually puts up three selections on a Saturday in his tipping column, which is normally 400 words, so enough for a wee write-up. Not always three. Sometimes it might be two, others maybe four. He goes for value outsiders occasionally. Rarely puts up doubles or accas. Today he goes for Ross, Falkirk and Motherwell as singles. There will be worse trebles backd today though, likely including mine.

I've gone ROSS COVE ELGIN as a treble. Can't be worse than my 0/3 Arbroath, Morton, Raith donation last week.

I knew Sinead O'Connor had let herself go, but I didn't think she'd have deteriorated to that extent, basketcase or not.

I'm not an expert by any means - I'm a f****** H**, for Christ's sake! - but I lived in Dublin for a while, a few years back. Watched Bohemians a fair bit, as I lived five minutes from the ground. Would've been two minutes if I could've walked through Mountjoy Prison, but I doubt I'd fit in well there. A bit like the Premiership in Scotland, the League of Ireland does look to be on the up at the minute. There's a respected school of thought that cites "The Troubles" as the source of the league's decline - it being slightly frowned on to play "soccer" rather than GAA once nationalism became a big issue in the late-60s and early 70s. This was also the time that pro soccer players in England and Scotland started earning reasonable money, so part-time L.o.I. players with fair jobs back home found switching to the UK more attractive. Dublin's GAA football team also became sexy in the early 1970s, which made the urban youth gravitate towards following them, rather than the soccer teams. Summer switch? Really a case of trying to get people to watch games when English (and East End of Glesca) games weren't taking too much attention. Loads of lads walking round deprived areas of central Dublin in Liverpool, Man.Utd, Arsenal and Celtic shirts who won't pay €15 to watch a L.o.I. game. Fridays seems mainly to avoid clashing with Gaelic games. Only Sligo play regularly on Saturdays and that's a "soccer" town: the GAA football team rarely has a decent run, they don't play hurling at anywhere near top level and I can't say I've heard tell of a rugby team there. The summer switch definitely helped change the culture from a purely British or maybe Scandinavian style of physical hoofball to some fairly pretty stuff, which can look odd. I remember being by the tunnel on the way back to my seat at Dalymount (Bohemians) with a pre-match burger when Galway came out a wee bit early. Size of the buggers, you'd've expected Hull Kingston Rovers to run on and play them, but they tippy-tapped it around in anaemic fashion without a half-decent striker. The switch to summer also co-incided with the "Celtic Tiger" boom and the clubs were paying decent wages - usually by trading insolvently on the back of sugar daddies. The higher standard of player, together with summer football, made switching to more eyepleasing tactics easier. The reported highest earner then was Joe Gamble at Cork City, allegedly on €4,000 per week! There were a good few more on €3,000. No wonder a fair few players went back home from League One and League Two in England. Money ran out though. All sorts of stuff was going on. Police raided Derry after the last game one season, opened the club safe and found just about every player was on duplicate contracts - the "sensible" ones that passed licensing regulations were at FAI HQ; the real "brown envelope" ones were in the safe. Derry were relegated as punishment. Cork City ended up in the scheidt too and lost their license, having to drop down to the second tier. Champs Shelbourne, who held Deportivo La Coruna to a draw in the last qualifying round for a Champions League group place, also collapsed financially and haven't come back up. Shamrock Rovers went down for a while, as did Dundalk. So did Drogheda, who nicked a title on the back of "investment". Clubs came and went. Sporting Fingal - think Gretna, but a lot closer to the biggest city and with far fewer fans - won the cup and folded. A Dublin City appeared and vanished. As did Kilkenny. Teams in the third and fourth biggest cities - Limerick and Galway - seem to come and go with the frequency of St.Mirren managers. Cork must've had about six teams in the last 50 or 60 years. Licensing is reasonably strict. I doubt anyone's on €1,500 pw now. Reports of clubs teetering are not uncommon, licensing or not. Gates? Cork have been pulling 4,000+ in the past few years, but they've been in the top two for the past five seasons - won't be there this year, as they're not absoultely safe from a relegation fight - and both the Cork hurlers and footballers have been underperforming badly in GAA for a while. Shamrock Rovers are traditionally the biggest Dublin team. They've moved to a new stadium in Tallaght, well away from their traditional area, but they pull 2,500. So do perennial champs Dundalk. Bohemians, who won a couple of titles at the end of the "Celtic Tiger" boom are now part-time, but they're going well this year and also pull 2,000+, as do Derry if they're going OK. Sligo would get that too, if they were going well. Not enough punters to have more than about 10 teams in a league though. Rovers, Bohs, Pat's & Shels in Dublin; Cork, Derry, Dundalk; teams in Limerick & Galway, then Sligo as a traditional "soccer" town. That's about it, though Waterford have €€€€ at the minute, as they have had at times in the past. Donegal's Finn Harps have a bit of tradition, but are a rural team with more mugs, badges and scarves on shelves and walls in the northwest than fans in the stadium. Athlone were once good and have the population & a bit of a catchment area Standard? Well, I reckon they play above themselves in Europe. I'd have said Dundalk in recent years would've struggled to stay in the Premiership, but I admit I can't see the Dundees, Particks, Ross Countys and Caleys of this world ousting BATE Borisov in Europe. (Can't really see the Sheep or Embra duo doing that either.) The strugglers would usually be struggling in League One. UCD - a geunine student team - wouldn't be that good this year. Can't believe I'm on a keyboard at 12:30am answering a post about Feen... you know what I mean!

I can't see us getting within 6 points of the Darkside. I don't bet on the Premiership handicap market, simply because the split makes it different from the other divisions. If you fancy a small club for good season, a top six bet might make more sense. If they make the top six and lead on handicap after 33 games, the small club may well have little to play for in 6th and would be hard pushed to get more than 5 points, while the team that finishes 7th plays the dross at the bottom. It's a different market from the handicaps in the other divisions. Not unfair, just a mite harder to figure out and different. Ideally, you probably want to pick the club that finishes 7th at the split. However, I think Celtic will get 90 points. The 7th placed team gets about 50 points, so would need to be getting 40 on handicap to stay within range. I think Ross County will get 40 points, so I'm tempted by +51. The Sheep might get to 72.

Horn surely getting his cards in the morning. Losing a goal to Berwick is close to being a sackable offence, but three!

With any luck, there won't need to be an "Indy Ref 2". The English will see sense - yeah, I know: that'd be a first - get fed up with the whining and the "Waaaaah! I want! Not fair!" scheidt and tell Scotand to get tae f***, repatriating all Scots north of the border and building a wall. Then the English could repatriate all Scousers to Dublin, which would lessen the whining from that direction too!

Agreed. I'd want 5/1 to even think about it. We've signed well enough over the summer, given budget limitations, but I doubt we've three players who'd get in the Celtic team - even including this £4m number #5 Helander from Sweden via Bologna for consideration. The Darkside will be splashing-out north of £1m per week in wages - which is about what the very lowest payers in the EPL spend. If we can pass a few forged £50 notes with the good ones, we might be able to pay £450,000. I'll be pleased if we match last season's year-on-year-improvement and get six or eight points more than last term. Eighty-five points won't be anywhere near good enough in my opinion. Celtic will comfortably get 90 and should get 95 if pushed. There won't be a better value 2/5 shot than Celtic running at a racetrack or a dogtrack, or playing in football match, or in a fight or a golf twoball or a game of darts anywhere this week.

... & the odds compilers for the major firms are asked to give ther best bets for the season. One or two - including an acquaintance of mine - use to extract the urine in this feature, opting for "I strongly fancy Rovers Athletic for Division Two..." when a look at the Pricewise table showed the blighter had taken a view on Rovers Athletic, sticking them in at 12/1 when nobody else called bigger than 10s. The only tipster in the feature with "previous" for this is Alan Alger, now of Betway. Anyhoo... here's their best Scottish bets: Steve Freeth (Bet365) - DUNDEE UNITED to win the Championship. Matt Jones (Betfair) - ABERDEEN in both cups & SAM COSGROVE top Premisership scorer. Brian Wignall (Fred) - PARTICK in the Championship, COVE in League Two. Alan Alger (Betway) - HIBS without the Old Firm. Gerard Markey (Boyle) - DUNDEE UNITED to win the Championship. Chris Wood (Coral) - EDINBURGH each-way in League Two. Andy Dalton (Billy's) - RAITH to be promoted. Colin Miles (Ladbrokes) - KILMARNOCK bottom six. Jason Murphy (Paddy) - LEIGH GRIFFITHS each-way top Premiership scorer & DUNDEE UNITED to win the Championship. Kane Calvin (RedZone) - EDINBURGH to win League Two. Richard Evison (Sky) - LIVINGSTON to finish bottom of the Premiership. James O'Loughlin (Sporting) - DUNDEE UNITED to win the Championship.

RACING POST PREVIEW OUT TODAY! Mark Walker does the whole 4-page Scottish section. He reckons The Darkside will hold-off The Famous for the title but he isn't investing there. He has ABERDEEN as his headline selection in the "Without the Old Firm" market @ evens with Ladbrokes & Sky. He only recommends 2 points on that, which isn't exactlhy reckless on an even money shot. My only worry about the Sheep is if they make the groups in the Europa League. I still think they'll be 3rd, even if they're still in Europe come spring. Next best bet is 2 points on LEIGH GRIFFITHS to be top scorer @ 10/1 with Bet365. (That's top scorer on the field, not purchasing powder in pubs in Leith or shagging yet another sprog into a bitch somewhere - he must be close to double figures by now.) 1 point each-way on BILLY MCKAY is also suggested @ 66/1 with Bet365 and RedZone in that book. Top season match bet is 3 points on ROSS COUNTY to best St.Mirren @ evens with Bet365. KILMARNOCK for the bottom six is a ballsy call @ 23/17 with RedZone, even with Joe Dolce in the dugout. 2 points advised there. MOTHERWELL to make the top six @ 6/4 with Bet365 and Sky is reckoned to be worth a 1-point investment. 1 point on LIVINGSTON @ 17/2 with Betfair / Paddy to finish bottom is also advised. He has to put the clubs in order as part of the preview and he goes: 1 - Celtic 2 - Rangers 3 - Sheep 4 - Spoonburners 5 - Hearts 6 - 'Well 7 - St. Johnstone 8 - Killie 9 - Ross 10 - Accies 11 - St. Mirren 12 - Livi "If Shankland stays fit they should win the league at a canter" is an eyecatching comment in the Championship preview. Not surprisingly, Mr. Walker opts for DUNDEE UNITED @ 9/4 and recommends investing 3 points at that price. He goes with 4 points on FALKIRK @ 4/7 in Div. 3. EDINBURGH @ 4/1 in the basement is worth 2 points, while he also advises 1 point each-way on ELGIN @ 18/1.

David Grof! Got arrested for "Glug! Glug! Vroom! Vroom!" on the evening of that Plymouth goalie getting 5 years for knocking down some kids when pished. Should've been a Spoonburner legend.

It's the best thread I've ever seen. Anywhere. How can you not be laughing while reading that? Anyhow, the barsteward moderators have locked it now - Booooooooo! - and one poster (only the one?! ) has received a "Willie Woodburn" a couple of weeks before the centenary of the birth of arguably Rangers' greatest ever player. No wonder I'm banned on FF and RM. Some Bears have no sense of humour.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Thread locked and one (only one!? ) un-named poster gets a "Willie Woodburn"

In some areas of Leith, aye. Vegan options. Soya milk in frothy coffee. Other areas of Leith aren't like that... Yet. The JKB thread has got better in the last 30 minutes. A new poster has just appeared to offer the original poster a square go. I can't remember a better thread on a messageboard. Anywhere. Ever. Almost every Jambo posting on it has cheered up to such an extent they've forgotten about East Fife. Some have forgotten about Levein. https://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/index.php?/topic/184027-fans-squaring-upto-each-other/page/7/

Just had another look at the thread on JKB and I'm almost on the floor. It's got a lot funnier in the last 30 minutes. If Peter Cook wasn't dead, I'd swear he was writing it. Are we allowed to post links to other forums on here? https://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/index.php?/topic/184027-fans-squaring-upto-each-other/page/7/

Of course, both Boris and The Donald are Rangers fans. The hair gives it away. https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=mcafee&p=william+ulsterman#id=1&vid=a52b952477a3b8ce93eb595c7e15c57a&action=click

As I'm banned from both of our most popular forums for being a bluenosed, Unionist, sectarian, right-wing, racist, bolshevik, derhun bigot - or something - I just thought I'd advise anyone looking-in to take a wee gander at the "Fans Squaring Up To Each Other" thread on Jambo's Kickback. Absolutely hilarious. A shame it's not the Spoonburners laying into each other - preferably with contaminated needles - but side-splitting nonetheless. Take a look before it gets taken down.

It's heretical to say this but... the "Fans Squaring Up To Each Other" thread on Jambo's Kickback is arguably better than anything on P & B Gold at the bottom of this forum. I'm just disappointed it's not Hibs.

Excellent. Reading can lead you to being groomed, brainwashed or radicalised. Promising not to read again is a great first step on your path to orthodoxy. Well done. Listen only to what our overlords wish you to listen to. Preferably in a "Safe Space."

As many have said, "I hate hate Conservatives, but I really, really f***in' despise Liberals!"

Maybe Narjas might like to publish a list of the most "offensive" things said by Mohammed (pbuh) - ehhh, sorry, I mean, "said by Allah"; Mohammed (pbuh) did not produce his own work, he merely performed Allah's - all of which Narjas is presumably required to defend unto death as self-evident and incontestable truths... death being the likely outcome in whichever country Narjas claims "heritage" from, in the event that he were not to defend these self-evident and incontestable truths from criticism.

"Whooooooooooosssshhhhh!" Satire. It "offends" some people. Including, somewhat worryingly, a massively disproportionate number of Scots. It goes completely over the heads of some people. If I were English (which I'm not) and if I believed that Enlightenment values are an essential keystone of any healthy society (which I do), I'd want the inhabitants of what used to be a Western, Enlightenment country - but which has now become obsessed with outlawing "offensive" singing, prosecuting "nazi" dugs and a delusional nationalism bent on representing the Act of Union (possibly the most generous Act granted by a major power to an impoverished and traditionally hostile sovereign state in the history of Europe) as a repressive and imperialist subjugation of a nation - placed under lock & key on a permanent basis. I'd certainly edge towards believing that Hadrian and Longshanks were on the right lines. Sealing-off Scotland and repatriating all Scots to the S.N.P. utopia, funded by oil-wealth, tourist dollars... ehhh.... fishing?.... ehhh... maybe some traditional mercenary activity, that sort of thing, could be seen as a sound policy - for both Scotland and the U.K. England's going down the same treacherously slippery path of outlawing heretical, blasphemous and seditious opinions that the threaten the current unthinking orthodoxy, but Scotland's descending it like Franz Klammer going down the Hahnenkamm. Anyone believing in Enlightenment values will justifiably have hugely negative opinions of Scotland. As with all negative opinions of all cultural, ideological, sociological, theological or political values, the negative opinions of groups espousing values are based on something approaching a thinking analysis and subsequent rejection of those values, not on some "gut-reaction hatred" (inevitably categorised as an "ism" or "phobia" by our orthodox "right-minded" overlords) unthinkingly founded on meaningless trivialities. Appallingly, "ists" and "phobes" are not Nasty Evil People Not At All Like Us, whose brains don't work. They have cognitive processes identical to our own... even if they're Scottish.

There's a lovely picture of John Sutton (in a black & white shirt of some sort) on the inside back page of the Racing Post today. He's a mite better looking than his big brother. This tells the illiterate - of whom there may be one or two in Renfrewshire - that the mighty 'Ton are Mark Walker's headline selection in the final round of League Cup matches. 13/10 with Hill's to see-off the Dobbmeister & Co. at Cappielow. The loquacious Dick Campbell can come across as a probable illiterate on occasion, but his Arbroath side is going well and the Lichties are recommended at 21/20 with Hill's to beat Alloa. Mr. Walker also goes for Motherwell -2 against Annan at 7/5 with Bet365. There was no specific Scottish column in this week's Racing & Football Outlook. That's understandable, as the midweek results were clearly going to have a major bearing on the final round of matches. The only Scottish headline tip in the R.F.O. was Simon Giles leading his "True Odds" column of otherwise exclusively Allsvenskan write-ups with 7/5 about Raith beating Peterhead in midweek, which copped. Figaro's column gave no specific Scottish write-ups, but his midweek selections were a train-wreck, with St.Mirren, Dundee United, Edinburgh City & Airdrie all listed in the "Bankers" category ! Figaro's weekend "Bankers" are Ayr, Hearts (brave @ 3/10) and Montrose! He bravely lists Albion as one of two Scottish home win tips, together with Stenny. He has Accies and Clyde down as his two aways. "Double Chance" recommendations are big outsiders Forfar, together with Arbroath & Morton. I agree with Mr. Walker on MORTON and ARBROATH, so I will be on both, with the finger currently hovering over RAITH in a meaningless match at Cove.