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We had a couple of (I think) swifts make a nest next to our back door a few years back, and the silly buggers would fly into the house whenever the door was opened. Instead of a mop, I was chasing them around the house with a tea towel. They moved on to pastures new after a few months, then returned last summer for a while and pulled the same trick.

Frankly, I was getting to the point of just leaving a window open and letting them do what they wanted, but I didn't they'd survive long with our cats. Going to put a ritzy bird house up a few metres from the door in the hope they get the message upon their inevitable return.

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We had a couple of (I think) swifts make a nest next to our back door a few years back, and the silly buggers would fly into the house whenever the door was opened. Instead of a mop, I was chasing them around the house with a tea towel. They moved on to pastures new after a few months, then returned last summer for a while and pulled the same trick.

Frankly, I was getting to the point of just leaving a window open and letting them do what they wanted, but I didn't they'd survive long with our cats. Going to put a ritzy bird house up a few metres from the door in the hope they get the message upon their inevitable return.

If it's swifts then maybe try and get a bird's house that resembles a swifts home. You know the ones that look like mud in the corners of houses under the roof? I don't think a swift would nest in a normal bird house with a wee hole in it!

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We had a couple of (I think) swifts make a nest next to our back door a few years back, and the silly buggers would fly into the house whenever the door was opened. Instead of a mop, I was chasing them around the house with a tea towel. They moved on to pastures new after a few months, then returned last summer for a while and pulled the same trick.

Frankly, I was getting to the point of just leaving a window open and letting them do what they wanted, but I didn't they'd survive long with our cats. Going to put a ritzy bird house up a few metres from the door in the hope they get the message upon their inevitable return.

Hopefully you were also dressed in the full swift chasing regalia?

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We had a couple of (I think) swifts make a nest next to our back door a few years back, and the silly buggers would fly into the house whenever the door was opened. Instead of a mop, I was chasing them around the house with a tea towel. They moved on to pastures new after a few months, then returned last summer for a while and pulled the same trick.

Frankly, I was getting to the point of just leaving a window open and letting them do what they wanted, but I didn't they'd survive long with our cats. Going to put a ritzy bird house up a few metres from the door in the hope they get the message upon their inevitable return.

...and are there any other manifestations of your mental health issues, other than chasing birds around the house with a dish towel? Do the swifts or the cats speak to you?
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If it's swifts then maybe try and get a bird's house that resembles a swifts home. You know the ones that look like mud in the corners of houses under the roof? I don't think a swift would nest in a normal bird house with a wee hole in it!

That makes sense; they would perch on a old cable that runs along under an overhang, and huddle up in the very corner by the door. As time went on, they gradually plastered bits of shite around their perching area...not very successfully, sadly. Will look into it. Starting to miss them a wee bit, tragically.

Hopefully you were also dressed in the full swift chasing regalia?

*shudder* I refer you to Prince Edmund's views on Morris Dancing.

...and are there any other manifestations of your mental health issues, other than chasing birds around the house with a dish towel? Do the swifts or the cats speak to you?

Cheeky bassa - you know full well that I experience hallucinations!

The wife saw them on many occasions, and we don't have shared visions, sadly. And I'm yet to degenerate to auditory hallucinations, but when they start with John Le Mesurier's voice, I'll know who to blame :P

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Just listened to All about that Bass - Meghan Trainor for about an hour solid whilst driving home and getting changed etc, loving it then I just got pissed off all of a sudden and wondered why fat birds always have to greet about other girls being skinny.

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Just listened to All about that Bass - Meghan Trainor for about an hour solid whilst driving home and getting changed etc, loving it then I just got pissed off all of a sudden and wondered why fat birds always have to greet about other girls being skinny.

Indeed. Then she starts mouthing off about ''skinny bitches''. Maybe some of these so-called ''skinny bitches'' want to put on weight and simply can't manage it, or maybe they have an eating disorder, or maybe they just don't want to be fat. Can Meghan Trainor not write an empowering anthem for fat people without insulting skinnier people at the same time? She's an arsehole IMO.

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Indeed. Then she starts mouthing off about ''skinny bitches''. Maybe some of these so-called ''skinny bitches'' want to put on weight and simply can't manage it, or maybe they have an eating disorder, or maybe they just don't want to be fat. Can Meghan Trainor not write an empowering anthem for fat people without insulting skinnier people at the same time? She's an arsehole IMO.

Aye totally.

She then gives it the I'm just kidding patter (which she isn't) and then tells us that her maw and her have decided that all boys chase girls with junk in the right places and like a little bit more booty to hold at night.

Well maybe some do but Lichtie from Arbroath and plenty others definitely don't like girls with 'junk' and big bootys. I prefer shorter skinnier girls with nae junk and smaller bootys thank you very much Meghan/Meghans maw.

And yes some girls probably do like being bigger, but don't even pretend you're not bothered about not being slightly thinner, you wrote a fucking song trying to cover it up when realistically you're probably greeting into yer Maltesers every night whilst throwing darts at a sports illustrated calendar.

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Just listened to All about that Bass - Meghan Trainor for about an hour solid whilst driving home and getting changed etc, loving it then I just got pissed off all of a sudden and wondered why fat birds always have to greet about other girls being skinny.

Speaking as someone who was constantly called fat as a kid, even though I wasn't even overweight back then, it's probably because fat lassies spend their entire lives having randoms telling them how fat they are. There are a lot of people out there who'd be lost without the overweight to boost their own self-esteem.

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Just had my tea (spaghetti bolognese) and about to go to the gym (PureGym) before heading into town (Liverpool) to watch the rugby (Wales vs England) and maybe visit some bars/nightclub (TBA) but first listening to some music (Taylor Swift).

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Hope everyone else's Friday night is as good as the one I have planned.

Nut. Been playing football for about 3 days solid; utterly shagged. Away to jump in my pyjamas and watch some films in bed. Got work at 10 tomorrow morning also. :(

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