Out of the mouth of babes...

[SlipperyP]

"Whatever way you face, that's North, yeh?"

[Dee Dee]

Does anyone remember the BBC running daily news reports in, the summer of, 2000 to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the Battle of Britain? It was pretty good.

They were so authentic that an ex girlfriend of mine thought the Germans were, indeed, bombing the shit out of England and I, a serving soldier at the time, would have to cut my leave short to fight the nasty ***.

[EdgarusQPFC]

"A didnae realise London was the capital of England tae"

[Jacksgranda]

Noticed that there was a discussion about ketchup obsessions back at the beginning of the thread (when dinosaurs and Rangers walked the earth).

Just wanted to add that I used to know a girl who insisted on ketchup with everything, and it turned out to be some kind of strange psychological comfort blanket that she couldn't even bring herself to acknowledge. She would not eat a meal if ketchup wasn't available and became terrifyingly angry if it was ever pointed out - as in, teeth gritted, silent for the rest of the night, burning a hole in the floor with her eyes, presumably fighting the overwhelming urge to murder everybody else in the room. Never did work out what that was all about.

Boring, I know, but I've been wanting to tell someone about that weirdness for years

Obviously a blood fetish - ketchup was a substitute.

You were indeed very lucky that she didn't murder anybody on that ketchupless night out.

Next caller, please.

[Barrfields_Largs]

Has anyone else had difficulty explaining the Europa League to their female counterparts? The concept of having two separate European cups is alien to my mrs, especially when she thinks that it should be based on city popularity rather than footballing merit (for example Roma/Milan should still be in Europe, while Juventus should be playing in the pub leagues).

After explaining this all season, I thought we'd finally mastered it. She was even getting to grips with the Champions League teams going into the Europa league. Then, upon hearing of Portos exit last night she remarked "Do they drop into the Spanish League now?".

[DA Baracus]

Recently had to drop in to leave a message at a solicitor's office. The wee girl on reception punted me through to an empty wood-paneled waiting room, which I paced around for a few minutes until I noticed a swastika carved into the wood behind one of the plush leather chairs. I went back out to tell the receptionist.

"What?"

"A swastika. Someone's carved a swastika into your wall."

Blank stare. "A...suv...svar...?"

"The symbol that the Nazis used in Germany?"

Blank stare.

"During the Second World War?"

"Uhh..."

"C'mon, I'll show you."

We march into the waiting room.

"There. A swastika. Just thought you'd like to know before somebody important came in and took offence."

"Oh. I'll let him know when he comes out. Thanks." She turns to walk back to her desk again, but stops in the doorway. "Um...what should I tell him again?"

Not sure whether to envy her innocence or be horrified at the ignorance. Pretty sure I mentioned Hitler at some point too, but that didn't elicit a flicker of recognition either.

She was clearly a Nazi and was trying to play dumb to deflect attention. It's obvious that you've stumbled upon a firm of solicitors who defend those with Nazi beliefs (namely Nazis I imagine). Incidentally, He-Man was a massive Nazi. There's a thread kicking about on this forum about it.

Anyway, if you'd pushed the swastika in it would have opened the secret door to the attic where, in a delicious twist of irony, actual Nazis from WW2 are hiding out. Had you come across this secret you would have been killed (and possibly had your corpse used for a series of hilarious photographs).

A close escape I say...

[Barrfields_Largs]

Europa League?

My missus has difficulty understanding that Im off to Glasgow to watch the Famous in a cup semifinal, again.

"But you went to the Cup Final recently didnt you?" she says.

"League Cup, this is the Scottish Cup" I say.

And she was like:

I always get the "does football never end?" line as well, as she thinks that the "as live" repeats on Sky all day are all live. Barcelona-Real Madrid happening at 7am, for example, didn't even register.

[DAFC]

Just remembered another belter that the lassie mentioned above came out with.

She asked why Henry VIII was called that as 'he only had six wives'!

This person shouldn't be allowed out on her own ffs.

[Carl Cort's Hamstring]

This is a phone conversation I had with a good friend of mine a couple of years ago:

Her: "Oh, hang on a second the bus has just arrived"

Me: "No worries"

*Sounds off her scrabbling around for change and getting on the bus*

Her: "Oh sh*t I've lost my phone"

Me: "You've lost your phone?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "What, just now?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "Right, let's think for a second about where it might be..."

I also convinced her that when she came to visit me when I was living in Aberdeen, that customs get on the train at Carlisle and check everyone's passports. She's now halfway through her first year as a junior doctor.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Carl Cort's Hamstring

[SlipperyP]

Europa League?

My missus has difficulty understanding that Im off to Glasgow to watch the Famous in a cup semifinal, again.

"But you went to the Cup Final recently didnt you?" she says.

"League Cup, this is the Scottish Cup" I say.

And she was like:

Sorry Mozza I think half the world has that look when you talk about Aberdeen getting the second final......I take it she is under 40

[weirdcal]

Europa League?

My missus has difficulty understanding that Im off to Glasgow to watch the Famous in a cup semifinal, again.

"But you went to the Cup Final recently didnt you?" she says.

"League Cup, this is the Scottish Cup" I say.

And she was like:

Cups, leagues na na na lets go back to basics

my Irish girlfriend was wondering why irishmen play for inverness and shouldnt they be playing in Ireland.

i said its cause Inverness employ them to play for us.

her response, thats unfair on the scottish players.

the Irony of an Irish person employed in scotland complaining about irish people being employed in scotland was completely drowned out by a large whoosing sound above her head

[19QOS19]

Had a rather bizarre conversation with a lassie at work yesterday. I'll point out just now, she wasn't acting stupid and trying to seek attention like so many young lassies seem to do just now, she was completely genuine. Scary.

Her: What year was 600BC?

Me: Well, erm, eh, uh, well, what, seriously?!?! It was 600BC! That's like someone asking what year 2013 was, the answer is 2013!

To cut out a loooooong conversation, she had no idea that the years we are in now are AD and anyone living in a time before the birth of 'Jebus' lived in BC; When I explained that part to her her response was "But I thought Jesus was the first person born in the world?" FFS. She asked me how I knew all this as if I was some type of wizzard, but my response was "How do you not know?! I thought this was pretty basic primary school knowledge!" The fact that some people don't know what BC and AD means is actually quite terrifying.

Just remembering another part of the conversation when she stated she never knew what she believed in with regards to where we came from. I was saying the common beliefs are you came from 'God' and he created everything and everyone. Then you have evolution. Her: "What's evolution?" (f**k me) So I explained what it was and she then decided that's what she believed. I said that she wouldn't believe in the whole 'God' story then. She became confused when she was told the two things didn't get on. The thought of not believing in a 'God' must have worried her though as she started to doubt her newly found belief in Evolution and questioned why there was still "monkeys". By that point I was fried and I didn't have the strength to explain that apes and monkeys are two different things.

Complete face-palm conversation from start to finish.

[Spain]

Had a rather bizarre conversation with a lassie at work yesterday. I'll point out just now, she wasn't acting stupid and trying to seek attention like so many young lassies seem to do just now, she was completely genuine. Scary.

Her: What year was 600BC?

Me: Well, erm, eh, uh, well, what, seriously?!?! It was 600BC! That's like someone asking what year 2013 was, the answer is 2013!

To cut out a loooooong conversation, she had no idea that the years we are in now are AD and anyone living in a time before the birth of 'Jebus' lived in BC; When I explained that part to her her response was "But I thought Jesus was the first person born in the world?" FFS. She asked me how I knew all this as if I was some type of wizzard, but my response was "How do you not know?! I thought this was pretty basic primary school knowledge!" The fact that some people don't know what BC and AD means is actually quite terrifying.

Just remembering another part of the conversation when she stated she never knew what she believed in with regards to where we came from. I was saying the common beliefs are you came from 'God' and he created everything and everyone. Then you have evolution. Her: "What's evolution?" (f**k me) So I explained what it was and she then decided that's what she believed. I said that she wouldn't believe in the whole 'God' story then. She became confused when she was told the two things didn't get on. The thought of not believing in a 'God' must have worried her though as she started to doubt her newly found belief in Evolution and questioned why there was still "monkeys". By that point I was fried and I didn't have the strength to explain that apes and monkeys are two different things.

Complete face-palm conversation from start to finish.

Would have worked better if you hadn't lied to her and denied Theistic Evolution as an option for her.

[BFTD]

She was clearly a Nazi and was trying to play dumb to deflect attention. It's obvious that you've stumbled upon a firm of solicitors who defend those with Nazi beliefs (namely Nazis I imagine). Incidentally, He-Man was a massive Nazi. There's a thread kicking about on this forum about it.

Anyway, if you'd pushed the swastika in it would have opened the secret door to the attic where, in a delicious twist of irony, actual Nazis from WW2 are hiding out. Had you come across this secret you would have been killed (and possibly had your corpse used for a series of hilarious photographs).

A close escape I say...

.........egad!

[DA Baracus]

.........egad!

Indeed. Mind blowing, isn't it?

[BFTD]

Obviously a blood fetish - ketchup was a substitute.

You were indeed very lucky that she didn't murder anybody on that ketchupless night out.

Next caller, please.

Oh, she got the ketchup alright. Without it, she just wouldn't have eaten anything, while still staying in a normal happy mood. What set her off was having it mentioned that she always used ketchup. Then the darkness descended and the villagers feared for the lives of their children.

Y'know, she would fly into a demonstrative rage at the sight of a camera too. Racking my brains to think if I ever saw her reflection

[smpar]

Watching a penalty shootout on the TV..

"I don't get it, who goes in goals when the 'keeper has to take a penalty?!"

[DA Baracus]

Watching a penalty shootout on the TV..

"I don't get it, who goes in goals when the 'keeper has to take a penalty?!"

That's almost like a 'tree falling/woods/no one/noise' mind bender...

[smpar]

That's almost like a 'tree falling/woods/no one/noise' mind bender...

It was quite a remarkable comment indeed, f**k knows what the thought process was.

[Dee Man]

My missus asked me today if I had deactivated my Facebook account. I replied yes and told her it was because I wanted to devote my life to my family and God and would she come to church with me on Sunday. Her reply was "No, I'll have a hangover".

All I can say is this was not the response I was expecting.