Depression

[NorthernJambo]

Bit of a tangent, but as someone who rents and can't afford to save it gets to me big time. How will I afford rent when I'm retired? I'd assume a mortgage would be paid off by then.

[welshbairn]

Just now, NorthernJambo said:

Bit of a tangent, but as someone who rents and can't afford to save it gets to me big time. How will I afford rent when I'm retired? I'd assume a mortgage would be paid off by then.

You'll still have to pay Council Tax, maintenance etc even if you own the house/flat outright. And depending on the mortgage you could end up still owing on the capital if prices fall. I think ownership is overrated, for most people it's just paying rent to a bank instead of a landlord, but with sole responsibility for upkeep. People got rich from the housing bubbles but I think those days are probably over. 

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Bit of a tangent, but as someone who rents and can't afford to save it gets to me big time. How will I afford rent when I'm retired? I'd assume a mortgage would be paid off by then.

If you've got low pension income you'd get housing benefit and ct reduction. Contrary to the popular perception of Facebook memes, pensioners are rarely skint.

Also agree with the comments re ownership. I don't see it as something to aim for, I'm more than happy renting.

[BigBo10]

Adam we've never met. All I can do here is share my thoughts. My ex wife left eight years ago today. It hurt like hell and I'd wake up in the middle of the night in tears. I coped by doing things this way. Yesterday is gone and I can't change it. Today let's see if I can make it a bit better than yesterday. Tomorrow is irrelevant till I get there. Like lots of the other posters seeing your GP or other professionals seems like good advice. Fortunately for me I never got that low and managed to deal with it. That said it's not easy and adding the other issues it's no wonder you're as down as you are. Also like others while I don't know how much I can help message me directly if you want to.

[hk blues]

There's a lot of truth in what the poster above says about dealing with things one day at a time.

When i was younger i probably sacrificed some, or even a lot, of enjoyment in order to better prepare for the future. It seemed to work in the medium term but hasn't in the long term. I often cringe when i remember some of the things i did/didn't do to save a bit more for later.

I distinctly remember being so proud to show my then wife our bank balance and she looked at me kinda in disdain and said something along the lines of "... I hope you think it was worth it". That was just before she went to work in the US and I stayed behind in Hong Kong. As i said, she's now my ex-wife. No coincidence i reckon.

I probably changed my perspective on life and money around then; I now think it's important to do what's right for now and if you do the future will take care of itself.

Not really directly about depression but really just to say spending too much time regretting the past and worrying about the future will get in the way of making the best of today. I absolutely know this from personal experience, It's not some Facebook crap or Sunday supplement b.s.

And just to add that what a few posters have said about owning v renting has a lot of sense to it - I've owned for all but 6 of 28 years of married life and those 6 were the most stress free - no maintenance worries, house price concerns, interest rate worries etc, much greater flexibility to move etc.

[Karpaty]

On 13/01/2017 at 20:05, Adam said:

Been debating whether to post this or not recently.

I feel so down and worthless. My marriage broke down about seven months ago. I knew things weren't going well, but I didn't take it that well. I moved out five months ago, rented a nice flat literally a two minute walk from my old house, so very close by for my kids and obviously still see them loads as a result. They love to stay at my house and have taken the family split much better than I anticipated really. I'm also getting on with my ex much better than I was when we were together.

I was dating a girl recently, probably the nicest, most thoughtful and understanding person I have ever met, but it was quite full on fairly early (neither of our faults really, we got swept up quite quickly), I thought it was going too fast and, if I'm honest with myself, I was terrified of getting to a stage where we maybe considered moving in together, and it breaking down and ending up back at square one, so I ended it as I don't think I could go through it again.

I sometimes can't help but feel that I've totally fucked my life. I can't see me ever owning a house, I basically live from one wage to the next and after my last two relationships, I genuinely doubt I will ever be with someone and be able to trust them.

I've got a pretty good job, I earn enough that I can afford to live on my own in a nice house with my children and have some money to spend on a night out or whatever. I know that there are people in situations that are a million times worse than mine, so instantly I feel guilty that I am upset and angry at how my life has turned out.

Two days after NY I was walking to the bus stop after working an overtime shift at work, nothing bad had happened that day, and I, very rationally, was talking to myself about how I could throw myself in front of a bus and be done with it. I've felt pretty terrible in the past, as it has been a massive change in my life in the last twelve months, but it was only when I got home and made some dinner that it frightened me how rational and accepting I had been that I could have killed myself, and how I was quite happy at the thought of not being alive anymore.

I have terrible trouble sleeping at night. Even with sleeping tablets from my Doctor I am lucky if I get four hours in total. I have started going for walks, both when I have the kids and when I don't, I try my best to do anything but sit in the house, drinking tea or beer and feeling sorry for myself, keeping active etc... but I still really struggle to sleep. I have terrible nightmares, recurring ones in which I do awful, terrible things, and that worries me about sleeping at night.

It's just been a shanner of a year really.

Really sad to hear mate. I'm not sure what I can do to help but feel free to get in touch if you like.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Chris_DK

[capybara]

I would say to anybody on here please feel free to message me for any help I could offer or just to chat. I have had kind offers myself.

[California_Caley]

On 1/14/2017 at 20:56, hk blues said:

There's a lot of truth in what the poster above says about dealing with things one day at a time.

When i was younger i probably sacrificed some, or even a lot, of enjoyment in order to better prepare for the future. It seemed to work in the medium term but hasn't in the long term. I often cringe when i remember some of the things i did/didn't do to save a bit more for later.

I distinctly remember being so proud to show my then wife our bank balance and she looked at me kinda in disdain and said something along the lines of "... I hope you think it was worth it". That was just before she went to work in the US and I stayed behind in Hong Kong. As i said, she's now my ex-wife. No coincidence i reckon.

I probably changed my perspective on life and money around then; I now think it's important to do what's right for now and if you do the future will take care of itself.

Not really directly about depression but really just to say spending too much time regretting the past and worrying about the future will get in the way of making the best of today. I absolutely know this from personal experience, It's not some Facebook crap or Sunday supplement b.s.

And just to add that what a few posters have said about owning v renting has a lot of sense to it - I've owned for all but 6 of 28 years of married life and those 6 were the most stress free - no maintenance worries, house price concerns, interest rate worries etc, much greater flexibility to move etc.

This is timely for me. Mid 30s and trying to get my head around the ups and downs of married life and buying a house. Renting seems to be the better fit for me at the moment.

You could lament the opportunities lost being conservative in your youth but if you have your health it's never too late. The world is still your oyster. 

[Girth]

Adam, I've been depressed as hell for many years (peaks and severe troughs). A few years back I was struggling big time as my Dad was dying of cancer and my horrific relationship was falling apart.

A couple of years on and my outlook has changed based on a number of lifetime changes (see below) and bit of therapy.

(1) I split with my girlfriend at the time as she said I was a selfish p***k spending a weekend with my Dad (who had about 5/6 months left) rather than go to her friend's wedding.

(2) I got well into fitness after kicking Lady Evil to the curb.

(3) Cut down on excessive drinking.

(4) Doctor put me on new medication. Very mild dose but it helps a lot.

(5) My negative pessimistic views have changed to much more positive ideals and I'm much less stressed.

(6) I've recently got a new high powered job working with good people which has given me renewed confidence.

(7) After two years of being single, I've finally met a top lass. It's going great.

(8) More travelling - really does broaden the mind and help independence and social confidence.

Like many people have said here, if anyone needs to chat to me - just holla.

[8MileBU]

Whilst depression isn't something I really suffer from myself, I'm looking for a wee bit advice on how to approach a very difficult situation which has arose over the weekend.

Any responses would be appreciated, but would prefer via PM please.

Thanks.

[johnny the jambo]

I came on this thread a while ago to discuss my partners depression and how it had been affecting me. It was getting harder and harder to deal with on a daily routine, and we were constantly fighting. It was affecting the kids, and life in general, but I kept at it, making excuses that her illness was making it hard and I basically took on all the chores and childcare while she sat watching telly and moaning about everything. I wouldn't get into arguments and would walk away when she started picking one. At one point she told me " u don't love me anymore and the only reason ur here is for the kids". I was already walking away when she said it so I didn't respond
A week later she phoned the police and told them I was assaulting her and to get me out. I was taken away by the police ( I went calmly and they were fine, no charges) but I had nothing but the clothes on my back. We tried to work things out, but ultimately we have split up. I still get to see the wee kids, my older two teenage girls haven't seen much of though and she is progressively making it harder for access, but the kids love coming here and seeing me it's been almost half my life (20 years) that I've devoted to her and my kids and she took it away from me deliberately to prove that she could. I went to a very bad place, drugs, women and drink, but I got over most of that shite now. Luckily it didn't cost me my job so I've been lucky

It's been a long road, but I've got a new flat to move into next week, lost almost 6 stones, have a new girlfriend, and I'm looking forward to the new year with a much brighter outlook than I have had in a long time.

I hope that my story shows other people that there is light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up hope, and that no matter what u going through if u stick with what u believe is right that good things eventually come your way

[8MileBU]

Whilst depression isn't something I really suffer from myself, I'm looking for a wee bit advice on how to approach a very difficult situation which has arose over the weekend.

Any responses would be appreciated, but would prefer via PM please.

Thanks.

Thanks NJ & PA. Appreciated [emoji106]

[Andy Dufresne]

Thought I was over the way I was feeling but the last few days have been hard,i broke down at work again and they just can't understand how I am feeling.I even sent a message on my diad today telling he office to leave me the fuck alone lol.It is not just work but my life at home.I have a great wife,great kids and 2 fantastic grandkids but I feel like I have let them all down.

 

I have been taken off my run at work and am now a spare driver which I am way is not great but in a way a help as well as I am doing something different everyday,i sometimes feel like chucking the job but sometimes really enjoy the job.God I am hard work.

[BigBo10]

Maybe coming off your run will be beneficial in the longer term. New places to go and new people to talk to. This might give you something new to focus on every day and help take your mind off the things that are causing you difficulty. If you need to pm me. Not sure what I can do to help but you never know.

[NorthernJambo]

Happens to everyone, Keithgy. The change of run might be good. Wee change to keep it interesting. While I obviously don't know, I'm pretty sure you're letting nobody down! You're battling on and doing your best, only when you're not will let you folk down. Keep the head up, talk to those closest to you and don't let the arseholes at work drag you down!

[D.A.F.C]

I started writing stuff down and how I was feeling as a result of shitty work colleagues and the work situation in general. When you see it in black and white my reaction to it was real anger. At myself as much as them for letting it happen. A week later I gave one of them a look that must've just said I know exactly what you are and I'm not putting up with it and held that look until they looked away. Sometimes you need to just take a stand, these people are insecure cowardly arseholes.

My nature is of always being helpful and non political and I'm starting to think that this is the polar opposite of what the modern workplace wants and encourages despite all the BS saying the opposite. 

I do feel that I've moved on and effectively sent myself to Coventry and emotionally detached myself from it to survive. Despite it all I don't think it's personal, it's animalistic behaviour that comes out of people in certain pressure situations. Like the gimps fighting over a tv on Black Friday some people are desperate and will do anything when it comes to money.

[cowden0]

You're not hard work keithgy. Depression can flit in and out your life for years. You got through it before and you will again.
Being removed from your run might be a refreshing break for you, although you might not see it that way initially. Don't see it as a slight on you but rather the illness. Take the opportunity to take a breather. Enjoy the different tasks you now have to do. Immerse yourself in family life. Make time to do things with the lovely family you appear to have.
Not sure if what I'm saying is any use to you, but it worked for me.

[paranoid android]

1 hour ago, keithgy said:

Thought I was over the way I was feeling but the last few days have been hard,i broke down at work again and they just can't understand how I am feeling.I even sent a message on my diad today telling he office to leave me the fuck alone lol.It is not just work but my life at home.I have a great wife,great kids and 2 fantastic grandkids but I feel like I have let them all down.

I have been taken off my run at work and am now a spare driver which I am way is not great but in a way a help as well as I am doing something different everyday,i sometimes feel like chucking the job but sometimes really enjoy the job.God I am hard work.

You're not letting anyone down, bud, and you're not hard work - see how it goes with the new run - might be ok.

[Andy Dufresne]

I have had a great week,i have not let things get to me and just went into work and thought FUCK IT.My wife has been amazing with me and just holding me at night when I feel down.

[Toma_BullyWee]

On 1/13/2017 at 20:05, Adam said:

Been debating whether to post this or not recently.

I feel so down and worthless. My marriage broke down about seven months ago. I knew things weren't going well, but I didn't take it that well. I moved out five months ago, rented a nice flat literally a two minute walk from my old house, so very close by for my kids and obviously still see them loads as a result. They love to stay at my house and have taken the family split much better than I anticipated really. I'm also getting on with my ex much better than I was when we were together.

I was dating a girl recently, probably the nicest, most thoughtful and understanding person I have ever met, but it was quite full on fairly early (neither of our faults really, we got swept up quite quickly), I thought it was going too fast and, if I'm honest with myself, I was terrified of getting to a stage where we maybe considered moving in together, and it breaking down and ending up back at square one, so I ended it as I don't think I could go through it again.

I sometimes can't help but feel that I've totally fucked my life. I can't see me ever owning a house, I basically live from one wage to the next and after my last two relationships, I genuinely doubt I will ever be with someone and be able to trust them.

I've got a pretty good job, I earn enough that I can afford to live on my own in a nice house with my children and have some money to spend on a night out or whatever. I know that there are people in situations that are a million times worse than mine, so instantly I feel guilty that I am upset and angry at how my life has turned out.

Two days after NY I was walking to the bus stop after working an overtime shift at work, nothing bad had happened that day, and I, very rationally, was talking to myself about how I could throw myself in front of a bus and be done with it. I've felt pretty terrible in the past, as it has been a massive change in my life in the last twelve months, but it was only when I got home and made some dinner that it frightened me how rational and accepting I had been that I could have killed myself, and how I was quite happy at the thought of not being alive anymore.

I have terrible trouble sleeping at night. Even with sleeping tablets from my Doctor I am lucky if I get four hours in total. I have started going for walks, both when I have the kids and when I don't, I try my best to do anything but sit in the house, drinking tea or beer and feeling sorry for myself, keeping active etc... but I still really struggle to sleep. I have terrible nightmares, recurring ones in which I do awful, terrible things, and that worries me about sleeping at night.

It's just been a shanner of a year really.

Snap. 

In 2014 after one particularly horrendous shift which included me being threatened with numerous stabbings I decided I was chucking my shitey pub job. I was quite happy and took an equally shitty office job, but the hours were better and the pay was much better. A few months into it an abscess I had issues with for many a year flared up and after taking a pretty brutal kick to the tail bone during a game of fives the abscess ballooned. It was like a tennis ball sticking out of my back. I ended up getting surgery within a week which resulted in months out of work. At first my new employers were alright with it. My wages went down as a result and daft arse here ended up in debt to try and offset the balance. As soon as I had the operation the depression set in (I've been depressed since I was around 15) and I just went into my shell. I don't deal well with inactivity, and I hate being out of work. My girlfriend and I split up due to me not telling her about the hole I got myself into with the debt, and sure enough I was back at my old shitey pub job under the illusion that when one member of staff left (he was actively looking) I would get his managers gig. I didn't. 

Still, I wasn't working and was unable to go back to office work due to my back, but I needed the job. The operation didn't work and I was given a follow up appointment 6 months down the line. Working again helped me get back to my usual self, and my girlfriend and I sorted things out. Everything was good and out of the blue she was pregnant, which considering the circumstances should have been almost impossible. It was a good thing. 

Fast forward to March last year and I was looking at my life. I was 29, quickly approaching 30 working a shite job for shite pay and seemingly in the rut I was in for the previous 6 years. "At least you have a wage coming in", I kept telling myself. I had had enough and made some plans. A friend of mine lost his Dad and the funeral was going to be full of people I had lost touch with during my dodgy phase the previous year. I was at my lowest point and genuinely couldn't see how I could be a positive influence on a child. He would be better off having met me, as far as I was concerned. At least I couldn't disappoint him like I have everyone else. 

The day of the funeral came and I had everything I needed. I was on a few prescriptions for my back and anti-depressants. I got nice and pissed, enjoyed the company of people I had missed and said my goodbyes. I went to my mums house as I knew she wouldn't be there (her and her partner have different houses. Living the dream) so I loaded up and went to sleep. Over 50 pills I counted as I washed them down 10 at a time. Then I woke up. 

My alarm was set for work. I looked around and then it really hit home. I fucking fucked it. Again. I even fucked this up. I went to the shop to get fags then headed home before getting ready for work then I started to feel funny. Obviously what I had taken was still working away in the background and I was in a considerable amount of pain. I worked up the courage and called a few people. Told my mate I wouldn't be at work to see if he could sort cover and let him know what happened. I let my mum know. I was in hospital for a few days on a drip then was let out. My girlfriend came to hospital on the second day when she found out what happened. We went home and I still felt awful, terrible for her, and very embarrassed. Soon I started to feel a bit better, but this was really only because my son was due imminently. 

When he was born it helped mask some feelings, but they were all still there. They still are. The only difference is I won't act on them now (as far as I can tell, anyway) because I can see he does benefit from having me. My girlfriend and I split up last year. It was my doing. It wasn't working and I didn't want to raise him in an atmosphere which could become toxic. When I was ready to go back to work I made the calls and was put on the next rota. Then I was taken off it. I still don't have any explanation but I had other things to worry about. The abscess was back again. I had moved into my mums house because she is rarely there, but being 30 years old living in the bedroom you spent your teenage years in is depressing in itself. I spent my 30th birthday alone. I had my pre-op that day, so that helped. I was then booked in for surgery a few days later. The op was successful and there are no further problems other than a massive scar on my back and nerve endings damaged, so my lower back is numb. Except under the skin. I can feel the itch but can't get to it. 

I'm still not working. Still feel absolutely awful and have been referred by my GP for a few things. I need out of this house and my own place, but financially that just simply isn't possible. My ex girlfriend and I are on good terms now and I can't honestly rule anything in or out in that department. I see my son every day and am always welcome to have him overnight. It doesn't change the fact that everything is still shite. 

I only speak to a few people now. Maybe 4 or 5 friends in total other than the odd Twitter interaction. I sacked Facebook because someone at my old job couldn't keep their mouth shut and within a few days of my "incident" every customer in the fucking pub knew about it. I was getting texts from punters asking what happened. I mean, fuck sake. Come on. I quite like closing off my social circle although I know it won't last. I have a stag do later this year with the wedding following it, at which I'll be the best man. I can't exactly not go. So I know I will see these people, but I'm very happy not seeing them right now. 

I'm not entirely sure what this post is going to achieve, but there you go. It's out there. 

Maybe it's just a Clyde thing.