Depression

[NJ2]

First time posting in here. Have probably been depressed since my last year at school (2013-14).  Felt really good in the autumn living at home after 4 years away. Saw loads of my friends from uni, generally going to watch one of our various teams play, going to the pub or playing golf. Came out to Australia almost exactly 2 months ago which had been a dream for a couple of years. Stayed with my cousin and her partner for the first month and had a good few weeks keeping busy. Moved into a flat after that and my flatmates don't really socialise with me or each other. My cousin's partner is a great guy and tries to involve me as much as possible but otherwise I have no one who is going to invite me to stuff. I've met plenty of their friends and family but don't feel like I know them well enough to ask them to go to the pub or whatever. Also haven't got a job yet which is becoming a worry. I've never been good at looking for jobs but not been running out of money as rapidly as this before, especially in an expensive country. I do really like it here and would hate to go back before about October which is the current plan but if I can't find work soon feel like I might have to.
Glad to have this page to just get that off my chest a bit. I remember reading it  occasionally when I first signed up and thinking it was a very helpful thing for anyone feeling this way. Just writing that has helped me. I hope everyone else posting in here can pull through.

Pretty much as the post above. It’s only been a couple months so try not to stress. Limit spending as much as possible and really get after a job, doing anything still brings in some cash and you’ll have co-workers who could end up being sound. Keep the chin up and you’ll get there

[afca32]

Yeah thanks guys. Didn't really strike me that I was out here on my own until I moved into the flat. Had family out here for Christmas who left on the 4th so it's only really been the last week I've noticed it. Had a tough day today but phoned family and friends and feeling better.

[Guest Moomintroll]

Apologies if this has already been discussed (it probably has) but I can't seem to get the search function to work on the app.

Has anyone used the Headspace app for anxiety? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and whether or not you felt it benefitted in any way?

Mindfulness does work for me, I have to do it a few times to calm myself down when I am severely agitated and anxious but up until now I have always been able to ground myself eventually. Everyone is different but keep trying it and dont get frustrated if you drift, that will happen, accept it and try again.

[DAFC.]

I have been given new antidepressants to take (Venlaflaxine at 37.5mg twice a day) as my previous ones, Citalopram at 20mg once a day, were not creating the desired effects both me and my GP were looking for. A week in and there has been a big difference as I was getting night terrors every single night with the Citalopram and not feeling any better for it.

 

The only thing with the Venlafaxine is that it is giving me chronic insomnia. I’m still managing to get 4 hours max per night but having to nap every so often. Anyone else have similar problems?

 

[RH33]

Hi, im on 225mg venlafaxine. I’m also in sleeping medication.

Working well tonight!

[DAFC.]

Headspace does nothing for me. Just can't seem to get into it.

I’m the same. Whenever I need to get some time to myself to chill I just put on rain/thunderstorm effects through spotify, fire my headphones on and let my mind go walkies. It’s actually quite good! I guess everyone is different, but doing that makes me create daft wee stories or movie plots in my head that, in all honesty, are absolutely shite, but oddly therapeutic!

[velo army]

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/gender-men-touch.html?fbclid=IwAR2G0Vm_AKdJ4R8WOLrRoTJG52blQXSNbMNpSknZv9vvm8oXPntiO6iaD0s

So the above article is about the importance of touch, and the consequences of the lack of it. We talk about depression and anxiety but we don't look at how our social world is constructed or how we, as men (apologies to the ladies, but I can't speak to your experience) isolate ourselves from both our feelings and from genuine connection with each other. We also tend to view touch as sexual, which is hugely self-sabotaging.

I've been feeling very low and super stressed and defensive lately. It's been affecting my sleep which has obviously not been helping my body protect itself from stress. I'm pretty aware of myself these days (fuckton of therapy, reading, and going to cool retreats) and I took a step back (and, at the same time, inward) and I realised that what I was needing was a sense of community with my fellow men, and also I hadn't had any physical affection in weeks. I'm heading to London tomorrow to see my pal and I'm defo gonna hug the shit out of him.

The above article is timely, and may speak to a lot of the concerns of men on here. We tend to try and be too heroic; walking along with our guts trailing behind us while cracking jokes or remaining stoically silent about our pain. We'd rather die (literally, sadly) than ask for what we want, or say that we're lonely. 

[Stellaboz]

I’m the same. Whenever I need to get some time to myself to chill I just put on rain/thunderstorm effects through spotify, fire my headphones on and let my mind go walkies. It’s actually quite good! I guess everyone is different, but doing that makes me create daft wee stories or movie plots in my head that, in all honesty, are absolutely shite, but oddly therapeutic!

It's great that you found something that works, it's good to experiment with things like that too.

[Dons_1988]

There's a guy who is on my bus to work in the morning, every time I see him he pulls out a can of Tennent's on the bus (7.30am) on his way into work.

Made me feel incredibly sad seeing it, I shouldn't presume to know anything about him and I've never felt the need to have a beer to get through the day but it just made me feel like the guy must be in a dark place to be doing that.  I just wanted to chat to him and  help, but of course I did f**k all.

The only positive was I had been feeling like I couldn't be arsed going for a run tonight but seeing him reminded me why my exercise everyday was so important. I will be going for a run tonight.

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by Dons_1988

[Dee Man]

3 hours ago, velo army said:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/gender-men-touch.html?fbclid=IwAR2G0Vm_AKdJ4R8WOLrRoTJG52blQXSNbMNpSknZv9vvm8oXPntiO6iaD0s

So the above article is about the importance of touch, and the consequences of the lack of it. We talk about depression and anxiety but we don't look at how our social world is constructed or how we, as men (apologies to the ladies, but I can't speak to your experience) isolate ourselves from both our feelings and from genuine connection with each other. We also tend to view touch as sexual, which is hugely self-sabotaging.

I've been feeling very low and super stressed and defensive lately. It's been affecting my sleep which has obviously not been helping my body protect itself from stress. I'm pretty aware of myself these days (fuckton of therapy, reading, and going to cool retreats) and I took a step back (and, at the same time, inward) and I realised that what I was needing was a sense of community with my fellow men, and also I hadn't had any physical affection in weeks. I'm heading to London tomorrow to see my pal and I'm defo gonna hug the shit out of him.

The above article is timely, and may speak to a lot of the concerns of men on here. We tend to try and be too heroic; walking along with our guts trailing behind us while cracking jokes or remaining stoically silent about our pain. We'd rather die (literally, sadly) than ask for what we want, or say that we're lonely. 

I don't suffer from depression so my opinion might be worth nothing here but I think there is definitely something in what you're saying there. 

I recently flew to Sydney for 5 days to spend some time with a mate and when he dropped me at the airport I stuck my hand out to shake his hand but he pulled me in for a hug. I'm not an affectionate or touchy-feely sort of guy but that meant a lot.

Am I gay?

[Bairnardo]

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/gender-men-touch.html?fbclid=IwAR2G0Vm_AKdJ4R8WOLrRoTJG52blQXSNbMNpSknZv9vvm8oXPntiO6iaD0s
So the above article is about the importance of touch, and the consequences of the lack of it. We talk about depression and anxiety but we don't look at how our social world is constructed or how we, as men (apologies to the ladies, but I can't speak to your experience) isolate ourselves from both our feelings and from genuine connection with each other. We also tend to view touch as sexual, which is hugely self-sabotaging.
I've been feeling very low and super stressed and defensive lately. It's been affecting my sleep which has obviously not been helping my body protect itself from stress. I'm pretty aware of myself these days (fuckton of therapy, reading, and going to cool retreats) and I took a step back (and, at the same time, inward) and I realised that what I was needing was a sense of community with my fellow men, and also I hadn't had any physical affection in weeks. I'm heading to London tomorrow to see my pal and I'm defo gonna hug the shit out of him.
The above article is timely, and may speak to a lot of the concerns of men on here. We tend to try and be too heroic; walking along with our guts trailing behind us while cracking jokes or remaining stoically silent about our pain. We'd rather die (literally, sadly) than ask for what we want, or say that we're lonely. 

I am the epitome of this I think. With the exception of my wife and kids, I have gradually over the years made myself so uncomfortable with physical contact that it has become really noticable. I wont hug anyone by choice and its a one armed token effort if they initiate. I dont know why.

[Stellaboz]

I am the epitome of this I think. With the exception of my wife and kids, I have gradually over the years made myself so uncomfortable with physical contact that it has become really noticable. I wont hug anyone by choice and its a one armed token effort if they initiate. I dont know why.

I want to bear hug you, does that count?

[velo army]

4 hours ago, Dee Man said:

I don't suffer from depression so my opinion might be worth nothing here but I think there is definitely something in what you're saying there. 

I recently flew to Sydney for 5 days to spend some time with a mate and when he dropped me at the airport I stuck my hand out to shake his hand but he pulled me in for a hug. I'm not an affectionate or touchy-feely sort of guy but that meant a lot.

Am I gay?

Aye handshaking developed as a way of showing you didn't have a dagger or other weapon in your right hand, showing you weren't a threat and to put the other at ease. It's now a way to keep other men at a distance, which is fine in some instances (I don't want to be hugged by everyone I meet), but pathological if we're denying ourselves.

It sounds like you really wanted that hug. 

[Hedgecutter]

On 13/01/2019 at 08:23, afca32 said:

Also haven't got a job yet which is becoming a worry. I've never been good at looking for jobs but not been running out of money as rapidly as this before, especially in an expensive country. I do really like it here and would hate to go back before about October which is the current plan but if I can't find work soon feel like I might have to.

A friend of mine was previously in NZ for a wee while but had to return to Scotland because of the work / visa thing.  However, not long later he moved back out there having sorted out something for work and he's been there ever since, pretty happy.  I appreciate that NZ is not Australia and vice versa, but hopefully it shows that the worst case scenario of needing to come home doesn't necessarily mean that it's the end of the road for any new life that you seek out there. 

Upon reflection, he likened his first stint as 'a viewing' before deciding on a permanent move, so perhaps this could be a better mindset to focus on?  Again, this is a worst case scenario which you not even have to go through if all goes well.  I can only imagine that worrying about staying out for a continual period is counter-intuitive as it'll only make you more stressed and therefore more nervous* when looking for work. 

Hope this helps somewhat?

 

*taking speed to remedy this is obviously inadvisable  

Edited January 17, 2019 by Hedgecutter

[velo army]

5 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

9 hours ago, velo army said:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/gender-men-touch.html?fbclid=IwAR2G0Vm_AKdJ4R8WOLrRoTJG52blQXSNbMNpSknZv9vvm8oXPntiO6iaD0s
So the above article is about the importance of touch, and the consequences of the lack of it. We talk about depression and anxiety but we don't look at how our social world is constructed or how we, as men (apologies to the ladies, but I can't speak to your experience) isolate ourselves from both our feelings and from genuine connection with each other. We also tend to view touch as sexual, which is hugely self-sabotaging.
I've been feeling very low and super stressed and defensive lately. It's been affecting my sleep which has obviously not been helping my body protect itself from stress. I'm pretty aware of myself these days (fuckton of therapy, reading, and going to cool retreats) and I took a step back (and, at the same time, inward) and I realised that what I was needing was a sense of community with my fellow men, and also I hadn't had any physical affection in weeks. I'm heading to London tomorrow to see my pal and I'm defo gonna hug the shit out of him.
The above article is timely, and may speak to a lot of the concerns of men on here. We tend to try and be too heroic; walking along with our guts trailing behind us while cracking jokes or remaining stoically silent about our pain. We'd rather die (literally, sadly) than ask for what we want, or say that we're lonely. 

I am the epitome of this I think. With the exception of my wife and kids, I have gradually over the years made myself so uncomfortable with physical contact that it has become really noticable. I wont hug anyone by choice and its a one armed token effort if they initiate. I dont know why.

It's great that you hug your kids. My dad only ever made physical contact with me when he was punishing me, or giving me a handshake on christmas/new year/my birthday. Not having that from him certainly caused a deeper need for acceptance and affection which I'm only recently approaching. So give yourself a pat on the back for giving your weans that physical affection. It's an oft overlooked (and vital) form of nutrition.

Your saying that you made yourself uncomfortable with touch. This is a curious way to put it. Would it be alright with you if you elaborated on this?

[Bairnardo]

It's great that you hug your kids. My dad only ever made physical contact with me when he was punishing me, or giving me a handshake on christmas/new year/my birthday. Not having that from him certainly caused a deeper need for acceptance and affection which I'm only recently approaching. So give yourself a pat on the back for giving your weans that physical affection. It's an oft overlooked (and vital) form of nutrition.
Your saying that you made yourself uncomfortable with touch. This is a curious way to put it. Would it be alright with you if you elaborated on this?

I honestly dont know more about why. I say I am not a touchy feely person but my kids are climbing over me all the time and wanting cuddles etc. They are my kids though.... Totally different to any other human. I cant pinpoint when this started for me but I tend to make some situations noticably awkward like at Christmas if folk pile into my house and everyone is cuddling il stay seated or find some way to act like I just missed it.

I genuinely cant explain it and its with everyone except my wife and kids.

[Adam]

I honestly dont know more about why. I say I am not a touchy feely person but my kids are climbing over me all the time and wanting cuddles etc. They are my kids though.... Totally different to any other human. I cant pinpoint when this started for me but I tend to make some situations noticably awkward like at Christmas if folk pile into my house and everyone is cuddling il stay seated or find some way to act like I just missed it.

 

I genuinely cant explain it and its with everyone except my wife and kids.

 

 

I would argue, in my experience, this is inherent within a lot of families across Scotland. I cannot ever remember a time where my father ever hugged or embraced me, and even now, I rarely give my Mum a kiss or cuddle. I would never tell them that I love them, I think it would make us all feel rather awkward. I’ve discussed it with friends and other people who had similar, happy, upbringings and they say their families are all quite similar to mine.

 

I give my children a kiss and cuddle at bedtime, or if either of them want to have a cuddle on the couch watching telly then I love that, but other than them, and perhaps my girlfriend, I would feel pretty awkward cuddling other people too.

[Bairnardo]

 
I would argue, in my experience, this is inherent within a lot of families across Scotland. I cannot ever remember a time where my father ever hugged or embraced me, and even now, I rarely give my Mum a kiss or cuddle. I would never tell them that I love them, I think it would make us all feel rather awkward. I’ve discussed it with friends and other people who had similar, happy, upbringings and they say their families are all quite similar to mine.
 
I give my children a kiss and cuddle at bedtime, or if either of them want to have a cuddle on the couch watching telly then I love that, but other than them, and perhaps my girlfriend, I would feel pretty awkward cuddling other people too.

Yeah. That pretty much describes my family. Happy, close enough but not touchy. Specially not once I reached teenage years.

[Shandon Par]

8 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

There's a guy who is on my bus to work in the morning, every time I see him he pulls out a can of Tennent's on the bus (7.30am) on his way into work.

Made me feel incredibly sad seeing it, I shouldn't presume to know anything about him and I've never felt the need to have a beer to get through the day but it just made me feel like the guy must be in a dark place to be doing that.  I just wanted to chat to him and  help, but of course I did f**k all.

The only positive was I had been feeling like I couldn't be arsed going for a run tonight but seeing him reminded me why my exercise everyday was so important. I will be going for a run tonight.

 

I was sure you were going to say "jealous" - my boozing years must have conditioned me! Most of my days used to be a rush to get through work, gym or whatever so I could get fired into the booze. Really made it hard to connect with the world as unless I was in an altered state I'd be desperately thinking about getting a good few drinks. 

 

[Shandon Par]

10 hours ago, velo army said:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/05/well/family/gender-men-touch.html?fbclid=IwAR2G0Vm_AKdJ4R8WOLrRoTJG52blQXSNbMNpSknZv9vvm8oXPntiO6iaD0s

So the above article is about the importance of touch, and the consequences of the lack of it. We talk about depression and anxiety but we don't look at how our social world is constructed or how we, as men (apologies to the ladies, but I can't speak to your experience) isolate ourselves from both our feelings and from genuine connection with each other. We also tend to view touch as sexual, which is hugely self-sabotaging.

I've been feeling very low and super stressed and defensive lately. It's been affecting my sleep which has obviously not been helping my body protect itself from stress. I'm pretty aware of myself these days (fuckton of therapy, reading, and going to cool retreats) and I took a step back (and, at the same time, inward) and I realised that what I was needing was a sense of community with my fellow men, and also I hadn't had any physical affection in weeks. I'm heading to London tomorrow to see my pal and I'm defo gonna hug the shit out of him.

The above article is timely, and may speak to a lot of the concerns of men on here. We tend to try and be too heroic; walking along with our guts trailing behind us while cracking jokes or remaining stoically silent about our pain. We'd rather die (literally, sadly) than ask for what we want, or say that we're lonely. 

That's really interesting. Hugs etc can be a strange dynamic. Some people make it look natural and easy. Some go too far to the point of it being almost sleazy without them maybe realising. I always have a hug with my mother in law but feel really uncomfortable giving my own mum a hug. Probably some deep, simmering resentment at work.