Depression

[Thistle_do_nicely]

On 16/04/2024 at 19:28, Thistle_do_nicely said:

Not sure how to put this - anyone got any wee positive thoughts or ways to look at the future?

Getting up, doing my shift, and doing f**k all but go through the motions day after day, week after week is really, properly taking its toll on me.

 

 

On 16/04/2024 at 23:10, TxRover said:

Set some small goals. Plan some minor things to do. Work on a list of places to see and set up a way to watch for opportunities to visit. It doesn’t have to be big, fancy, extravagant or wild, but things that you are interested in or curious about.

Thanks for sharing that. It makes my occasional doubts and concerns seem paltry and makes me feel lucky that I’ve not had that harrowing experience. It’s so difficult to convey sometimes exactly what depression is or can be, and that description breaks through that wall, grabs you by the scruff and demands you look.

I’m extremely glad you had that team to support you and the loving spouse who saved you. Stay strong and know there are people willing to listen if you need it. A person like you, willing to open up and discuss these matters, can save dozens, if not hundreds, of people.

Ach, aye. Thank you for the reply.

A few days of reflection helped, in the end. It's not even been 2 years since my mrs passed away. It feels longer.

It's uncomfortable with picturing what the rest of my life is like from here on, sometimes. Not long before I'll be the same age she was when she died, too, which is a weirdly uncomfortable thought.

Still. I'll give myself more time for things to improve. Euros are around the corner and I've the time off for them from work, few days sunning myself somewhere might help.

On 16/04/2024 at 22:13, Arbroathlegend36-0 said:

Had been suffering from depression for too long without my loved ones, friends or the people who I work with knowing. Was my little secret and everything was a show when around people including my wife. In October I listened to a voice in my head (been in my head for a while) and I was going to hang myself from the upstairs banister. Had everything ready my wife was out with my youngest child and my oldest was at nursery so I knew I had time to do what was needed. What saved me that day was my wife forgot to take bottles for my 5 month child with her. Seen the doctor next day who put me on sertraline. Got told I may get worse before I get better with the tablets as it takes roughly 6 weeks for the meds to take effect. Suicide attempt number 2 took place not long after where I took a lot of pills somehow my Mrs was suspicious on what I was doing so came to check on what I was doing and she stuck her fingers down me throat which got what I took out.

 

Seen a new doctor who I took a liking to and felt I could trust her and could come out of this dark hole with her help. For me I didn’t know why I felt so low, depressed, tired and basically so useless. I’ve got a wife, 2 kids, a house, full time job and no money troubles so for me I had no reason to feel how I was feeling. The doctor said you don’t have to have a reason which is true but for me I needed a reason.  I asked for my bloods to be took for an under active thyroid as it was borderline a few years back and this came back as underactive. Levels should be 0.5 to 2.0 mine was over 100. One side effect of an underactive thyroid is depression.

 

Everything started to get normal after getting on the right meds and after 4 months off work I returned to work in January. As people do work mates  was curious on why I had so much time off work and if everything was fine. I was open and honest to my work colleagues and told everything what had happened.

 

Unfortunately after 4 days after returning the voice in my head came back and wouldn’t leave me alone and I took a drug overdose while my wife and kids slept. The Mrs found me and was rushed to hospital by  ambulance where I had my stomach pumped. The voice in my head failed again and told me better luck next time when trying again. 

 

Straight away I had the mental health team come and see me in hospital and for a month after my release from hospital. They helped me with routines and things I can do if I ever got back to the dark place which has really helped me.

 

Mrs never fully understood how I could do this especially with having such young children. My children was my motivation to get past this darkness. Walking my daughter down the aisle or seeing my son getting married had always been on my mind and motivation on why I needed to keep going in life. When the voices came into my head them things didn’t matter to me and i was totally numb to it all and I was fine about killing myself and the kids not having a father in both of their life’s. The motivation for me now is still my kids but I’m  not thinking about the future and them possibly getting married. They need me in their life’s right now whether that’s playing Barbie’s with my daughter and watching frozen for the millionth time or changing my 9 month old son’s backside while he’s smiling at me. They both need a daddy figure now and forever and I’m no use to them dead.

 

Been back at work for 3 weeks where I’ve told people the story of what’s happened. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what I’ve done as I was down a very deep hole and I couldn’t see a way out and the voices in my head told me it was ok to do what I was doing. Luckily I’ve not had any voices since January and I’m on the road to recovery. Take every day as it comes while keeping a positive mindset. Still got a long road ahead of me but I’m feeling good about myself. Also getting tested for autism/ADHD. Unfortunately I’ve got to be 3 months stable before I get a diagnosis but spoke to a specialist who is leaning towards Autism but won’t know until May time when I get my full assessment done. 

 

Depression is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. The hardest part is opening up and admitting it to people about it. Once you’ve done that then get the help and support you need to get you through it. 

 

Sorry for rambling on although if one person reads this and feels the same as I have done and makes them want to get the help then thats all that matters. 

 

Keep going. Good luck with your recovery, and I'm glad you're alive and kicking to post this.

 

On 17/04/2024 at 23:47, V.Aye.R said:

Colleague at work is going though a rough time with their mums health and just general rotten luck in their personal life. An otherwise honest worker and they're good to be around. 

I've heard reliable snippets about HR not being happy with their attendance and how that's going to play out for them. 

From someone who's gone through some family issues in the recent past (I've posted on it here, maybe 18months ago) it's pretty galling to hear the lack of compassion out in the open. Is this how grim people really are?

HR - I get it, they're just against you despite the facade. But others amplifying the noise doesn't sit well with me. 

Workplaces seem to be full of pretty weak characters, you're lucky if you're getting 1 in 10 who have any awareness beyond themselves. No amount of mental health first aider type chat is going to change that. 

Be that 1 in 10. 

 

On reflection - and without going into it too much - some folk at my prior work were complete and utter c***s, including a gaslighting psychopath of a manager that openly gossiped about (what I thought were) private conversations with her and mocked me routinely at my lowest ebb & some of the most dour faced, wretched people I've ever had the misfortune to work with.

Console myself that I won't have to see any of the fuckwits again; motivate myself to keep getting stronger out of spite towards them.

 

On 19/04/2024 at 15:22, RH33 said:

This is petty as hell but, I went back after almost 5 weeks off. Been in team since the beginning. I started back on Wednesday on much reduced hours.

Someone now off and recovering from sepsis. 

Guess which one gets the get the whip round.....

Not a pleasant feeling, and not that petty either.

Aye, I can mind flinging myself baw deep into a job during Covid - never got so much as a leaving card organised for me at that place (although bizarrely I got a nice one from the other, shitty one)

edit: can also mind one guy who I was only ever civil to that, for reasons I'll never fully understand, took an immense dislike to me. It happens, fine, but I had chipped in a fiver for his birthday card & signed it a month or two before mine came around - at which point everyone on my team signed it and chipped in, barring this miserable p***k who didn't give me the courtesy of at least even signing it. Wasn't like he was off on holiday or anything either, we were all given plenty of notice for colleagues birthdays. You can make of that whole practice what you will, but its a shitty thing imo.

You're not being petty to expect courtesy, imo.

Edited April 20 by Thistle_do_nicely

[TxRover]

9 minutes ago, Thistle_do_nicely said:

 

 

Ach, aye. Thank you for the reply.

A few days of reflection helped, in the end. It's not even been 2 years since my mrs passed away. It feels longer.

It's uncomfortable with picturing what the rest of my life is like from here on, sometimes. Not long before I'll be the same age she was when she died, too, which is a weirdly uncomfortable thought.

There are many things that stay with us longer than we'd expect and have more impact than we considered, and your experience is certainly one of those. The good news is it's also given you some perspective that you applied to the later stuff that was dropped from the quote. I had a mentally horrendous year when I turned 42, simply because that's the age my dad died at from a  heart attack. It was very strange, and I knew no one that could relate in any manner.

As for psychopaths, especially gaslighting ones, they are entirely too common, and your recognizing the actions is a huge plus for your mental health!

Stay well!

[Thistle_do_nicely]

at the risk of sounding like a dee - thank you. (nothing wrong with that, tbf.)

Aye, current workplace is a good bit better. Lot more remote working, lot less confined, and the work plays to my strengths a lot more than the last workplace - which, in fairness, was an industry I had next to no interest in.

One or two miserable buggers but they deal with other clients & as above - remote working, so hardly ever have to take anything to do with them.

Doesn't help that its been weeks since I touched any booze. The awareness & pangs of loneliness that sobriety brings. Bloody hell.

[Raidernation]

On 20/04/2024 at 15:59, Thistle_do_nicely said:

 

 

Ach, aye. Thank you for the reply.

A few days of reflection helped, in the end. It's not even been 2 years since my mrs passed away. It feels longer.

It's uncomfortable with picturing what the rest of my life is like from here on, sometimes. Not long before I'll be the same age she was when she died, too, which is a weirdly uncomfortable thought.

Still. I'll give myself more time for things to improve. Euros are around the corner and I've the time off for them from work, few days sunning myself somewhere might help.

 

Keep going. Good luck with your recovery, and I'm glad you're alive and kicking to post this.

 

 

On reflection - and without going into it too much - some folk at my prior work were complete and utter c***s, including a gaslighting psychopath of a manager that openly gossiped about (what I thought were) private conversations with her and mocked me routinely at my lowest ebb & some of the most dour faced, wretched people I've ever had the misfortune to work with.

Console myself that I won't have to see any of the fuckwits again; motivate myself to keep getting stronger out of spite towards them.

 

Not a pleasant feeling, and not that petty either.

Aye, I can mind flinging myself baw deep into a job during Covid - never got so much as a leaving card organised for me at that place (although bizarrely I got a nice one from the other, shitty one)

edit: can also mind one guy who I was only ever civil to that, for reasons I'll never fully understand, took an immense dislike to me. It happens, fine, but I had chipped in a fiver for his birthday card & signed it a month or two before mine came around - at which point everyone on my team signed it and chipped in, barring this miserable p***k who didn't give me the courtesy of at least even signing it. Wasn't like he was off on holiday or anything either, we were all given plenty of notice for colleagues birthdays. You can make of that whole practice what you will, but its a shitty thing imo.

You're not being petty to expect courtesy, imo.

I wouldn't beat yourself up. It's been 11 years since my last wife died, 15 since Mrs. RN#2 died and that still bothers me at times. 

[Thistle_do_nicely]

1 hour ago, Raidernation said:

I wouldn't beat yourself up. It's been 11 years since my last wife died, 15 since Mrs. RN#2 died and that still bothers me at times. 

Bloody hell. Sorry to hear that, must be rough sailing. 

[Raidernation]

ShitFuckBallsDamn!!!

I fuckingg HATE this country's medical system/insurance maze.

Having told this care facility I was covered when they checked my insurance on the 10th of this month, having also been told by one of the 3rd party companies dealing with me that I'm covered until the 30th and after that if I'm on Short Term Disability then I'm covered by that, AND....another of the 3rd party companies (there's 4 in total) required weekly updates and each time said my coverage would continue, today I found out, at 2:45pm that my coverage DID (supposedly) terminate on the 1st.

What does this mean? It means I get discharged on Friday (at least the care facility is trying to accommodate me) with NO walker/rollator/wheelchair or anything else, no home PT, no home health, no home help. Basically I'm screwed and, until I get better physically (can't walk unaided or climb stairs, stand for more than about 30 seconds) I'm likely to be, in effect, a prisoner in my own home (15 stairs up to my front door!)

I'm so angry, frustrated, depressed, annoyed, anxious, worried and scared. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I know there's delivery services can bring food and groceries, but how the hell am I supposed to cook them (or even put them away)? Also I'm likely going to lose my STD payments so I'll be penniless.

I don't want to speak to anyone, sat outside this afternoon stewing in my own little hell, did not go for dinner as I have no appetite, I just want to go to bed and sleep my life away.

 

 

 

tl:dr I'm very upset.

[TxRover]

15 minutes ago, Raidernation said:

ShitFuckBallsDamn!!!

I fuckingg HATE this country's medical system/insurance maze.

Having told this care facility I was covered when they checked my insurance on the 10th of this month, having also been told by one of the 3rd party companies dealing with me that I'm covered until the 30th and after that if I'm on Short Term Disability then I'm covered by that, AND....another of the 3rd party companies (there's 4 in total) required weekly updates and each time said my coverage would continue, today I found out, at 2:45pm that my coverage DID (supposedly) terminate on the 1st.

What does this mean? It means I get discharged on Friday (at least the care facility is trying to accommodate me) with NO walker/rollator/wheelchair or anything else, no home PT, no home health, no home help. Basically I'm screwed and, until I get better physically (can't walk unaided or climb stairs, stand for more than about 30 seconds) I'm likely to be, in effect, a prisoner in my own home (15 stairs up to my front door!)

I'm so angry, frustrated, depressed, annoyed, anxious, worried and scared. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I know there's delivery services can bring food and groceries, but how the hell am I supposed to cook them (or even put them away)? Also I'm likely going to lose my STD payments so I'll be penniless.

I don't want to speak to anyone, sat outside this afternoon stewing in my own little hell, did not go for dinner as I have no appetite, I just want to go to bed and sleep my life away.

 

 

 

tl:dr I'm very upset.

OK, time to get into the books. Your health plan has a booklet detailing benefits and regulations. There is an appeal section, that needs looking at, as does the termination of treatment without provision of necessary ability to function alone stipulations. You also need to hit the third party regulations, especially if you can dates, times and names for conversations. The bonus is these conversations ARE recorded.

The facility you are at has a duty to provide you with resources and information necessary for you to access necessary care after discharge.

It may well be worth talking to an ombudsman (if present) at your insurer because they are likely to end up paying another whole stay if they discharge you in this state. It also seems likely the companies are playing fast and loose with the regulations.

You now clearly have a disability, so they have to consider that, plus you may now have Medicaid eligibility.

Keep the head up, the system is dysfunctional, but there are resources and help.

[Raidernation]

Thanks.

I'll see if I can find the health plan info, I believe I can access it online. I have to deal with Illinois laws don't know what difference that makes.

[Jacksgranda]

9 hours ago, Raidernation said:

ShitFuckBallsDamn!!!

I fuckingg HATE this country's medical system/insurance maze.

Having told this care facility I was covered when they checked my insurance on the 10th of this month, having also been told by one of the 3rd party companies dealing with me that I'm covered until the 30th and after that if I'm on Short Term Disability then I'm covered by that, AND....another of the 3rd party companies (there's 4 in total) required weekly updates and each time said my coverage would continue, today I found out, at 2:45pm that my coverage DID (supposedly) terminate on the 1st.

What does this mean? It means I get discharged on Friday (at least the care facility is trying to accommodate me) with NO walker/rollator/wheelchair or anything else, no home PT, no home health, no home help. Basically I'm screwed and, until I get better physically (can't walk unaided or climb stairs, stand for more than about 30 seconds) I'm likely to be, in effect, a prisoner in my own home (15 stairs up to my front door!)

I'm so angry, frustrated, depressed, annoyed, anxious, worried and scared. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I know there's delivery services can bring food and groceries, but how the hell am I supposed to cook them (or even put them away)? Also I'm likely going to lose my STD payments so I'll be penniless.

I don't want to speak to anyone, sat outside this afternoon stewing in my own little hell, did not go for dinner as I have no appetite, I just want to go to bed and sleep my life away.

 

 

 

tl:dr I'm very upset.

That's awful, I don't know what to say.

[TxRover]

14 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Thanks.

I'll see if I can find the health plan info, I believe I can access it online. I have to deal with Illinois laws don't know what difference that makes.

Ditto, but the state (and somtimes county) do often make it vary a bit too, especiall coverage criteria rules

Check all the applicable plans, and it’s worth yet another call (since, let’s face reality, you have some time available to sit on hold) to each entity that misrepresented their coverage. Document exactly what it said and verify the appeal process. It’s gonna be time to file an appeal, and in some cases they may extend some form of coverage during appeal process.

https://www.healthcare.gov/appeal-insurance-company-decision/ (Some links)

6 hours ago, Jacksgranda said:

That's awful, I don't know what to say.

The NHS gets some righteous pelters here, but the U.S. healthcare system is evil, and makes the NHS (and UK pols) look like angels.

[RH33]

I'm still off. My sick line.is up on the 15th and I've no idea what I'm going to do. I'm on a six month contract but the agency will pay 6 months sick pay but I'd obviously lose the assignment.

The jobs fine and my team lead is great with me but I can't string good days together. 

[RH33]

Sick notes now are issued by telling reception you need another x weeks.

 

[TxRover]

17 hours ago, PogoStick said:

Hope you don’t mind me jumping in as a newbie. Saw your post on activity thread and it sounds familiar…

For right now focus on it’s only the 3rd. You don’t have to make a decision right this minute. Try give yourself at least the week-end off that focus.

Maybe try to get an appointment in with your GP for the following week, just in case you are still feeling the same way and need another note, then again park your decision.

Deal with it the week you have to. You’re not putting it off, you’ve got a plan for now, which is getting a GP appointment booked in (I know easier said than done) and dealing with it the week after next.

Sounds glib and I know it’s not easy but rumination is a b*****d, remind yourself you’ll not know how you will be feeling on the 15th anyway so no point focusing on it now.  Give yourself a break.

Touch wood things might look different and sounds like you are fortunate in having a good boss

 

(Brilliant thread BTW P&B )

6 hours ago, RH33 said:

Sick notes now are issued by telling reception you need another x weeks.

 

The sick note issuance policy here is counterproductive, and while you have to deal with it, perhaps that good boss can help get it addressed after seeing how it’s hurting people that need the note.

Pogostick’s advice is solid…as always, it’s a day-by-day thing. From seeing your posts here you have a pretty good list of strengths that your depressions is blocking you from seeing and believing in. There are lots of people her who believe in your empathy and ability, and if that’s true, it’s also true of the world at large, even though it doesn’t feel that way. Deep breath right now, it won’t make the darkness go away, but it will make you few a wee bit better…and then reflect on the number of people YOU have helped and the value YOU bring.

Sometimes it’s not stringing several “good” days together as much as keeping the “bad” ones at bay between the good ones. You have allies, you WILL be OK. It can be terribly difficult to believe that some days, but it IS true! Belief in yourself is one of the earliest and cruelest casualties of depression, but it can also often be regained with reflection on your own worth and abilities. This forum is better for your presence, let that knowledge and the people here help strengthen you.