Depression

[Stellaboz]

Absolutely terrific post @Dons_1988

I used to be a weekend binge drinker, which I used to try and be happy and I perceived it as "having fun".  It also used up the majority of my spare cash and I took out credit facilities in order to continue to go out at a weekend and such. 

I also used it for a long time as a way to forget the shit things in life and to numb the pain of a bad relationship and a life leading nowhere. 

At no stage was I an alcoholic in the clinical sense, but definitely mis-used alcohol and mis-treated myself and others along the way as a result. I used get get heavy doses of "the fear" which obviously didn't help my mental state.

 

At one point I decided to try to cut down whilst at uni and left only beers which I absolutely hate in the fridge. It helped me, despite how silly that sounds.

I still enjoy having a few beers sometimes but very, very rarely am I ever hungover anymore. I can now have maybe one or two beers without feeling the need to get absolutely shit-faced whereas when I was in my teens or early twenties I would scoff at the thought of stopping at one or two. 

[Dons_1988]

10 minutes ago, Stellaboz said:

Absolutely terrific post @Dons_1988

I used to be a weekend binge drinker, which I used to try and be happy and I perceived it as "having fun".  It also used up the majority of my spare cash and I took out credit facilities in order to continue to go out at a weekend and such. 

I also used it for a long time as a way to forget the shit things in life and to numb the pain of a bad relationship and a life leading nowhere. 

At no stage was I an alcoholic in the clinical sense, but definitely mis-used alcohol and mis-treated myself and others along the way as a result. I used get get heavy doses of "the fear" which obviously didn't help my mental state.

 

At one point I decided to try to cut down whilst at uni and left only beers which I absolutely hate in the fridge. It helped me, despite how silly that sounds.

I still enjoy having a few beers sometimes but very, very rarely am I ever hungover anymore. I can now have maybe one or two beers without feeling the need to get absolutely shit-faced whereas when I was in my teens or early twenties I would scoff at the thought of stopping at one or two. 

Think this is pretty common across Scotland to be honest.

I definitely considered telling people I was worried about how much I was drinking at the time but didn't because alcoholic felt like a life time label I'd get. You hear the conversations in offices etc 'such and such has a drink problem...', which is just vague enough that no one knows what it is but they can make a judgement anyway.

ETA - forgot to say @Raidernation is an absolute credit to himself the way he keeps fronting up and tackling the issue. Serious respect.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Dons_1988

[Bairnardo]

A drink problem can manifest in many ways for sure. For me, in terms of pure health, I drink more than I should, but it doesn't worry me as I will tell myself none this week, need a break etc. For me, I look back at my time as young single man though and see far too many instances of being fucking wrecked with no memory of this night or that night, and it makes me feel regret. Easy to say with hindsight I suppose, but still. That's an alcohol related problem.

[Priti priti priti Patel]

What's the best way to approach someone who has some form of "drink problem"?

 

My dad was probably an alcoholic, although he died when I was too young to really know, and everyone in the family I mention it to just says either "no, he just liked a drink" or "he was definitely an alcoholic", correlating with how straight laced they are.

My brother has been drinking since he was 12 or 13. So have I tbh but never had a problem at all and rarely drink now. Anyway, my brother like many young boys growing up in Scotland would just get absolutely steaming from a young age as something to do, in a town with not that many opportunities for those not blessed with parents who can take you out in the countryside and do canoeing, skiing, etc, however it is the other half lives.

My brother is now 33 and a heavy drinker. He calls himself "a drinker" rather than an alcoholic or whatever. He refers to being "a drinker" as if it's his identity. That's probably fair because it seems like all the gifts he gets at Christmas, all his birthday cards, all relate to alcohol. He uses that old line "I could stop any time, I just don't want to" which you never know whether it's true or not. He also has the self-awareness to say "I drink to cope with things. Otherwise I'd go mental".

There's a lot of shit going on in his life and he was recently put on antidepressants. He's used that as the spur to cut back and the other night I phoned him and he was burping away to some gassy zero percent Budweiser concoction so that was good. But I live hundreds of miles away and don't want to be constantly on the phone, in case it looks like I'm checking up on him. Even acknowledging he might have a problem feels to him like a criticism and we've just tentatively repaired our relationship so I don't want to risk anything like that.

Bit of a long post and obviously every situation is different, but what's a good framework for approaching someone who has an issue with the drink?

[the snudge]

19 minutes ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

What's the best way to approach someone who has some form of "drink problem"?

 

My dad was probably an alcoholic, although he died when I was too young to really know, and everyone in the family I mention it to just says either "no, he just liked a drink" or "he was definitely an alcoholic", correlating with how straight laced they are.

My brother has been drinking since he was 12 or 13. So have I tbh but never had a problem at all and rarely drink now. Anyway, my brother like many young boys growing up in Scotland would just get absolutely steaming from a young age as something to do, in a town with not that many opportunities for those not blessed with parents who can take you out in the countryside and do canoeing, skiing, etc, however it is the other half lives.

My brother is now 33 and a heavy drinker. He calls himself "a drinker" rather than an alcoholic or whatever. He refers to being "a drinker" as if it's his identity. That's probably fair because it seems like all the gifts he gets at Christmas, all his birthday cards, all relate to alcohol. He uses that old line "I could stop any time, I just don't want to" which you never know whether it's true or not. He also has the self-awareness to say "I drink to cope with things. Otherwise I'd go mental".

There's a lot of shit going on in his life and he was recently put on antidepressants. He's used that as the spur to cut back and the other night I phoned him and he was burping away to some gassy zero percent Budweiser concoction so that was good. But I live hundreds of miles away and don't want to be constantly on the phone, in case it looks like I'm checking up on him. Even acknowledging he might have a problem feels to him like a criticism and we've just tentatively repaired our relationship so I don't want to risk anything like that.

Bit of a long post and obviously every situation is different, but what's a good framework for approaching someone who has an issue with the drink?

Have you been negatively affected by the persons drinking? If you have there is support groups put there. If you need any info give me a wee PM.  

Sometimes the best thing to remember is that you can care about them but you can't care for them.

[Dons_1988]

31 minutes ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

What's the best way to approach someone who has some form of "drink problem"?

 

My dad was probably an alcoholic, although he died when I was too young to really know, and everyone in the family I mention it to just says either "no, he just liked a drink" or "he was definitely an alcoholic", correlating with how straight laced they are.

My brother has been drinking since he was 12 or 13. So have I tbh but never had a problem at all and rarely drink now. Anyway, my brother like many young boys growing up in Scotland would just get absolutely steaming from a young age as something to do, in a town with not that many opportunities for those not blessed with parents who can take you out in the countryside and do canoeing, skiing, etc, however it is the other half lives.

My brother is now 33 and a heavy drinker. He calls himself "a drinker" rather than an alcoholic or whatever. He refers to being "a drinker" as if it's his identity. That's probably fair because it seems like all the gifts he gets at Christmas, all his birthday cards, all relate to alcohol. He uses that old line "I could stop any time, I just don't want to" which you never know whether it's true or not. He also has the self-awareness to say "I drink to cope with things. Otherwise I'd go mental".

There's a lot of shit going on in his life and he was recently put on antidepressants. He's used that as the spur to cut back and the other night I phoned him and he was burping away to some gassy zero percent Budweiser concoction so that was good. But I live hundreds of miles away and don't want to be constantly on the phone, in case it looks like I'm checking up on him. Even acknowledging he might have a problem feels to him like a criticism and we've just tentatively repaired our relationship so I don't want to risk anything like that.

Bit of a long post and obviously every situation is different, but what's a good framework for approaching someone who has an issue with the drink?

I'm not an expert on these things at all so wouldn't want to give out shit advice.

All I would say is that if he's on anti-depressants and struggling then alcohol will not be helping him in that regard. Quite the opposite. Anti-depressants, psychologists etc did nothing for me compared to getting a grip of booze, diet and exercise and just looking after myself generally.

[Guest bernardblack]

1 hour ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

What's the best way to approach someone who has some form of "drink problem"?

 

My dad was probably an alcoholic, although he died when I was too young to really know, and everyone in the family I mention it to just says either "no, he just liked a drink" or "he was definitely an alcoholic", correlating with how straight laced they are.

My brother has been drinking since he was 12 or 13. So have I tbh but never had a problem at all and rarely drink now. Anyway, my brother like many young boys growing up in Scotland would just get absolutely steaming from a young age as something to do, in a town with not that many opportunities for those not blessed with parents who can take you out in the countryside and do canoeing, skiing, etc, however it is the other half lives.

My brother is now 33 and a heavy drinker. He calls himself "a drinker" rather than an alcoholic or whatever. He refers to being "a drinker" as if it's his identity. That's probably fair because it seems like all the gifts he gets at Christmas, all his birthday cards, all relate to alcohol. He uses that old line "I could stop any time, I just don't want to" which you never know whether it's true or not. He also has the self-awareness to say "I drink to cope with things. Otherwise I'd go mental".

There's a lot of shit going on in his life and he was recently put on antidepressants. He's used that as the spur to cut back and the other night I phoned him and he was burping away to some gassy zero percent Budweiser concoction so that was good. But I live hundreds of miles away and don't want to be constantly on the phone, in case it looks like I'm checking up on him. Even acknowledging he might have a problem feels to him like a criticism and we've just tentatively repaired our relationship so I don't want to risk anything like that.

Bit of a long post and obviously every situation is different, but what's a good framework for approaching someone who has an issue with the drink?

I have no idea how you would begin the difficult conversation, but apparently One Year No Beer is meant to be a good service. Monthly goals etc and a community to chat to if he’s miles away or isolated. 
Good luck with it. I’ve had a history of alcoholism in my immediate family that keeps me in check. Still have the ability to enjoy a few beers etc but it’s always in the back of my mind. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by bernardblack

[Priti priti priti Patel]

1 hour ago, the snudge said:

Have you been negatively affected by the persons drinking? If you have there is support groups put there. If you need any info give me a wee PM.  

Sometimes the best thing to remember is that you can care about them but you can't care for them.

Aye, in the past I've been beaten up when he's been drunk, but not as an adult. He had the same treatment at the hands of our dad. C'est la vie, unfortunately. But I appreciate the thought.

I'm not really concerned about myself. I'm in a very good place in life. But I do care about him, still perversely look up to him as an older sibling, and want the best for him. I know it's a rare bright moment in his life when I call him and we reminisce about happy memories and I take an interest in his hobbies. I'm not trying to ruin that by talking about his drinking, and I feel like giving him a wee hour off the misery chatting to me and building up his self esteem is helping anyway.

But when he gets off it or cuts back, like stocking up on the alcohol free beer, it would be nice to know what to do or say to help him have a better crack at it. Right now I just say "oh are you cutting back?" and he says "aye" and I say "decent".

Edited February 5, 2021 by Margaret Thatcher

[the snudge]

15 minutes ago, Margaret Thatcher said:

Aye, in the past I've been beaten up when he's been drunk, but not as an adult. He had the same treatment at the hands of our dad. C'est la vie, unfortunately. But I appreciate the thought.

I'm not really concerned about myself. I'm in a very good place in life. But I do care about him, still perversely look up to him as an older sibling, and want the best for him. I know it's a rare bright moment in his life when I call him and we reminisce about happy memories and I take an interest in his hobbies. I'm not trying to ruin that by talking about his drinking, and I feel like giving him a wee hour off the misery chatting to me and building up his self esteem is helping anyway.

But when he gets off it or cuts back, like stocking up on the alcohol free beer, it would be nice to know what to do or say to help him have a better crack at it. Right now I just say "oh are you cutting back?" and he says "aye" and I say "decent".

I get that. Feels similar to me in the terms of seeing him as an older sibling. 

He'll know himself that you know and he'll know what is acceptable and not. The thing is with alcohol issues is that people who drink and have a problem are running on fear and we tend to go into fight or flight mode when we perceive to be "threatened". He might need to find his own personal rock bottom before he really reaches out but perhaps some open questions are helpful in how to approach it when he's off it? Like "you sound focused", "aye I've noticed a positive change, you've fair perked up" "you're looking good". Little things like that could make him notice that you have noticed. I know in my rock bottom I felt incapable of being loved, like I didn't even like myself so how could anyone else like me. It's like the person with the alcohol problem doesn't feel they deserve goodness, they feel like they are a bad person when, in my opinion, they suffer from an illness. 

It's good to hear that you are in a good place. Keep the positivity and if you need anything give me a shout.  

[NotThePars]

My ma went a year off the booze about 16 years ago and then kicked the habit fully 15 years ago and I have no idea what she did or what changed. I appreciated Limmy being pretty honest about it though and saying that it does make life in this country a little more boring as everyone revolves around the drink. My ma complains all the time about having to listen to the pish people talk without a drink to make it tolerable.

[Priti priti priti Patel]

37 minutes ago, the snudge said:

I get that. Feels similar to me in the terms of seeing him as an older sibling. 

He'll know himself that you know and he'll know what is acceptable and not. The thing is with alcohol issues is that people who drink and have a problem are running on fear and we tend to go into fight or flight mode when we perceive to be "threatened". He might need to find his own personal rock bottom before he really reaches out but perhaps some open questions are helpful in how to approach it when he's off it? Like "you sound focused", "aye I've noticed a positive change, you've fair perked up" "you're looking good". Little things like that could make him notice that you have noticed. I know in my rock bottom I felt incapable of being loved, like I didn't even like myself so how could anyone else like me. It's like the person with the alcohol problem doesn't feel they deserve goodness, they feel like they are a bad person when, in my opinion, they suffer from an illness. 

It's good to hear that you are in a good place. Keep the positivity and if you need anything give me a shout.  

That's a nice idea, I'll give that a try. Thanks!

[Alert Mongoose]

Does anyone else struggle to define why they like being drunk? I’ll admit there is a period during a drinking session I really enjoy which is somewhere beyond tipsy but before being blind drunk.  I can’t really decipher what it is that I find so enjoyable.  I guess the trade off is between that and the gouging lows and anxiety of the next day.  Having a four year old helps tip the balance towards not indulging as looking after them the next day is tough at the best of times.  I’ve found that I can have a fair few early in the afternoon on a Saturday and as long as I stop by teatime the next day isn’t too bad.

[D.A.F.C]

Finally did something about work situation. Cant go into details but basically aired all grievances and said that it was effecting me.

Was totally denied and lots of backtracking, even when presented with fact after fact. I had a suspicion about themnbeing sociopathic and the lies without squirming confirmed it.

Looking for another job now but at the same time very happy that I've got that off my chest. If there's comeback then I have clear evidence to back up what I'm saying. The b*****d claimed to be hurt and shocked by the accusations. Thing is you need to have a great memory to be a liar.

Step 2 job hunt 

[thistledo]

1 hour ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Does anyone else struggle to define why they like being drunk? I’ll admit there is a period during a drinking session I really enjoy which is somewhere beyond tipsy but before being blind drunk.  I can’t really decipher what it is that I find so enjoyable.  I guess the trade off is between that and the gouging lows and anxiety of the next day.  Having a four year old helps tip the balance towards not indulging as looking after them the next day is tough at the best of times.  I’ve found that I can have a fair few early in the afternoon on a Saturday and as long as I stop by teatime the next day isn’t too bad.

An interesting question. Personally it's a release and probably short lived high that I have long associated with alcohol, for many years after work pints with people was a great way to socialise, unwind and integrate myself. Away from work, again it was a release, I think and worry less (Usually I overthink and over analyse everything daily, constantly anticipating the worst and planning for it) so a drink takes me away from it. The massive downside is, I often suffer from anxiety anyway and a 3-4 day session can reduce me to a wreck when I stop drinking. 

I've certainly had a brush with an unhealthy relationship with it, lockdown and the birth of my daughter has actually helped me dial back the "binge" type drinking. Being whitey'd on or changing a shitey nappy after a heavy sesh will do that to you I guess, I'd advocate that as a tool to help anyone quit drinking. 

[Alert Mongoose]

29 minutes ago, thistledo said:

I think and worry less (Usually I overthink and over analyse everything daily,

That certainly sounds familiar. I’m very guilty of this and you’re right it does dull this down.  Long time since I would have the guts for anything even close to a 3-4 day session. 

[NotThePars]

Finally did something about work situation. Cant go into details but basically aired all grievances and said that it was effecting me.
Was totally denied and lots of backtracking, even when presented with fact after fact. I had a suspicion about themnbeing sociopathic and the lies without squirming confirmed it.
Looking for another job now but at the same time very happy that I've got that off my chest. If there's comeback then I have clear evidence to back up what I'm saying. The b*****d claimed to be hurt and shocked by the accusations. Thing is you need to have a great memory to be a liar.
Step 2 job hunt 

It’s a start mate. Best of luck with the job hunt. If my lazy arse can walk into somewhere new then it shouldn’t be a hassle for you.

[thistledo]

21 minutes ago, Alert Mongoose said:

That certainly sounds familiar. I’m very guilty of this and you’re right it does dull this down.  Long time since I would have the guts for anything even close to a 3-4 day session. 

I loved getting up and going again, probably more so than getting on it in the first place. Not a great place to be or a great attitude to have. 

[Benjamin_Nevis]

2 hours ago, Alert Mongoose said:

Does anyone else struggle to define why they like being drunk? I’ll admit there is a period during a drinking session I really enjoy which is somewhere beyond tipsy but before being blind drunk.  I can’t really decipher what it is that I find so enjoyable.  I guess the trade off is between that and the gouging lows and anxiety of the next day.  Having a four year old helps tip the balance towards not indulging as looking after them the next day is tough at the best of times.  I’ve found that I can have a fair few early in the afternoon on a Saturday and as long as I stop by teatime the next day isn’t too bad.

I don't really drink any more, even before lockdown I rarely bothered. It was a different story a good few years ago. I'd had a soul-destroying end to a relationship around 2008, and spent much of 2009 not really giving a shit about anything and basically existing through the week to get out on the piss at weekends. It turned into a long term habit and I didn't really sort myself out until 2012 when I got into hillwalking and then into a relationship which i'm still in now. Back then I was really, really down, and probably was suffering from depression but didn't see anyone about it. I just tolerated a job i hated for five days and went out with my pals Friday/Saturday then spend Sunday feeling lower than ever. I did have a few low points where i genuinely thought through the process of ending it, and weighed up the effects on my family. 

For me I think it was just being out and being able to have a laugh with my pals when every other aspect of life was utterly shite was why I enjoyed it. Well that and pulling on a reasonably regular basis, with the added bonus of rattling through a significant number of local milfs on PoF. I can't lie, many aspects of those days were excellent, but ultimately I was drinking way too much, trying to mask what was likely depression and I was probably lucky to hold onto my job. I was bingeing so much I was getting to the stage of being barely able to eat for 2-3 days afterwards. f**k knows how I held onto my job. 

I woke up to myself after a spell of indulging in recreational drugs as well as drink and as i say got into the hillwalking in ironic fashion which changed my priorities completely. 

[DA Baracus]

I feel like I might be surfacing after circa over 17 years.

Unfortunately I also feel such a massive loss. Those years...I won't get back. I want a family but I've almost certainly missed that boat. I've failed in pretty much every single measure. If I was younger I'd have time to sort thing, but it's just been too long. I want to be fine and I want a family but I've fucked it. I'm horrendously overweight (I won't ever forgive myself for this, I've been a fat c**t for too long and my fucking stupid cunting mental block shouldn't be an excuse. I should be dead; I don't deserve to not be).

By the time I'm not fat I'll be close to 37 (if I can somehow overcome my mental issues) and frankly who would employ such a p***k and what woman would give a second thought to an ugly c**t who was fat and will be old with sagging skin. Even if, by some miracle, some woman, somehow, genuinely, liked me, they would never want to be with my ugly c**t shit face long enough to have a kid.

I'.m fucking done.  I've blown it. If I'm lucky I might get a girlfriend of sorts, but hold out little hope.

I despise me. I have squandered my privilege. All my previous self harm has been deserved.

I don't need the police at my door again (and I'm so sorry you felt that was necessary). I'll be going to bed soon and I don't plan on anything stupid.

I will probably wake up tomorrow embarrassed. But until I take action it's a cycle.

Even when I take action I still fear it's been too late.

 

 

Oh, and I know you're supposed to love yourself before anyone can love you, but that's a huge problem for me. I can never forgive myself and I'm a stupid fat c**t so how can anyone else forgive me? I know I get treated differently as a fat p***k. I deserve. most of it. But when I'm bitter it will be tll late and i'll still suùuuuuuùuucmkk

Edited February 7, 2021 by DA Baracus

[RH33]

DA, you’re only 36, a family is well within reach. I’m overweight too but that’s just way it is. I don’t have the capacity to manage my illness, look after three kids and deal with lockdown challenges and mindfully loose weight. I  currently can’t go for a walk round the football pitches behind house as anxiety stops me.

I don’t have a career, I’ve a 15 he a week living wage job which I’ve been off of for last three months. Yeah it’s only covering lunch time in a nursery but even those three hours a day have seen me develop important bonds with kids. I was training to be a primary teacher my mental health fucked that a long time  ago.

On Friday night, I was done in and really negative. I woke up and made a simple choice, to have a shower something I’m struggling to do. Today I’ve shaved my legs   

bpd is a condition which cycles can be very rapid and I can get hyper just as quickly as I can get depressed. But it is a lifelong condition. I’m not sure if you’re diagnosed and medicated but a chat with a GP and maybe a CPN referral.

I’ve made lots of mistakes and harmed myself in many ways. At the time believing I deserved it. I still get self harm thoughts but try hard not to as setting example to kids.

36/37 is not life over all opportunities gone. Focus on another change which you feel you can achieve rather than weight. Maybe look at the OU and there range free classes. 
 

We live in a society of insta, fillers and filters. But those people are the few not the many.