Depression

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, V.Aye.R said:

Have been struggling the past few weeks. 

My daughter was born just over a week ago and in Intensive Care currently. She'll be OK but its been an absolute roller-coaster juggling it all. 

Dizzy spells, weight loss, anxiety, tears, nosebleeds etc. 

Got some good news over the past few days on progress and the above symptoms disappeared almost straight away thankfully. 

Just a reminder that things can go from Calm to Crazy without warning. Hope everyone is doing ok out there, I'll come out of this a different guy for sure. 

 

Sorry to read of your recent problems, pal.

I just wondered whether you have had your blood pressure checked recently, as a couple of those symptoms are suggestive that it may have been a problem? The fact that they 'disappeared almost straight away' is great, but definitely implies you have been under enormous pressure for it to manifest itself physically like that. Have you ever considered that you may have an anxiety disorder? Whilst I am reluctant to take medication, I have had the need to take valium in the past and it definitely helps, though it's only a short-term remedy. Best of luck, pal.

 

 

[Raidernation]

I can’t think of anywhere else to put this.
I suddenly, and genuinely “suddenly” like one moment I was ok and the next…. I feel incredibly, overwhelmingly homesick.
No, I don’t want to come back to Scotland to live, I would never leave my girls!
But, I just so, so much want to be home, go where my memories are, smell the sea, eat a fish supper, I really can’t explain it.
I haven’t been drinking, not going to, but this is the first time I’ve felt this way since I left,
TBH if you offered me a flight home right now I’d take it.

This is surely not normal after this amount of time?

[Raidernation]

To add, of all the places to be homesick for, fucking Caithness?

[Duszek]

6 hours ago, Raidernation said:

I can’t think of anywhere else to put this.
I suddenly, and genuinely “suddenly” like one moment I was ok and the next…. I feel incredibly, overwhelmingly homesick.
No, I don’t want to come back to Scotland to live, I would never leave my girls!
But, I just so, so much want to be home, go where my memories are, smell the sea, eat a fish supper, I really can’t explain it.
I haven’t been drinking, not going to, but this is the first time I’ve felt this way since I left,
TBH if you offered me a flight home right now I’d take it.

This is surely not normal after this amount of time?

This sounds normal to me. I left Scotland aged 22 and am lucky enough not to be too far away, but after not being home for 2 years I could fucking murder a mince pie supper (plus large pickled onion).

sometimes I go on Google Streetview and zoom around Glasgow for old time’s sake.

more difficult in Caithness admittedly where there’s probably one street.

[RandomGuy.]

Shit day.

Mistakes made which are both my fault entirely but also something that could happen to anyone and couldn't be helped.

Those around me seem to think I should be emotional. Gran died a few weeks ago and now this, but feel nothing really. Sometime have surges of feeling like shit then they vanish.

Just want to be alone for a week so everything blows over and things go back to normal.

[Raidernation]

20 years ago today my father died suddenly!

20 fucking years, it really doesn’t seem that long ago

[Genuine Hibs Fan]

After getting fucked about by the counsellor I got through my work's EAP (she was useless anyway, mainly talked about how our brains were formulated "when we lived in caves") just randomly takign me out of the program I have a first meeting with a private therapist on Thursday afternoon. Not sure quite how I feel about it but hoping they have a right good rummage in the old brain box  

[Boo Khaki]

On 23/11/2021 at 10:07, ICTChris said:

NICE have implemented new guidelines for treatment of mild depression - prioritising therapy and group exercise over immediate prescriptoin of anti-depressants.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-59383722

 

In reality it should be immediate prescription, AND immediate therapy, group exercise, healthy diet help, lifestyle change etc.

Talking therapy works for some but it's also totally ineffective for a lot of people. Anti-depressants are also a notoriously esoteric art, so as much as it is often the case that it takes months or years to get the prescription to the point where they are effective, or indeed, discover that they never will be, there's really nothing to be gained by sending absolutely everyone off for months of therapy, finding out you still have the vast majority of people with unrelenting symptoms, and THEN finally starting the tortuous task of trying to get their meds right. 

Depression is a physiological illness of the brain. In most cases it simply isn't possible to 'talk' it better. You'd be as well trying to mend a broken leg by talking about it.

[Venti]

On 04/12/2021 at 04:54, Raidernation said:

I can’t think of anywhere else to put this.
I suddenly, and genuinely “suddenly” like one moment I was ok and the next…. I feel incredibly, overwhelmingly homesick.
No, I don’t want to come back to Scotland to live, I would never leave my girls!
But, I just so, so much want to be home, go where my memories are, smell the sea, eat a fish supper, I really can’t explain it.
I haven’t been drinking, not going to, but this is the first time I’ve felt this way since I left,
TBH if you offered me a flight home right now I’d take it.

This is surely not normal after this amount of time?

Maybe a wee trip back here might be the best for you.

I'm sure a fish supper and a good few walks will clear your head.

[DA Baracus]

Having big anxiety about having to go back to the fucking office. It's 'hybrid', but unfortunately means 3 days a week in the office. I despise the office.

Before I started working from home, I was so burned out and so ridden with anxiety, totally exhausted mentally. I felt trapped, that I was going to be stuck working in a job that bored me for life. I had just had to give up an Open University degree attempt (third failed attempt at university after Abertay and Aberdeen) as I was just destroyed mentally and couldn't commit my mind to it. In addition, I felt like I had no time for myself as was getting home just after 18.00 each night. I was on the verge and was really starting to have some pretty dark thoughts, as I could only see one way out (doing myself in, in case that wasn't clear).

Then I got to work from home. Suddenly, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from me. I could breathe again, for the first time in ages. Things weren't perfect of course, but gradually I made huge progression with my mental health. I was sleeping better (helped that I didn't have to get up as early) and feeling so much better in general. I was feeling ready, and able, to tackle other issues in my life and start working towards being me again (been many, many years since I was). It's been over a year since I last self harmed. It's been nearly two years since I last took out a payday loan. I have been getting better with my finances and think I might actually end February with some money saved from my wage (first time in my adult life, even though it will be a small sum). I only have a year left on my stupid debt arrangement scheme. I recently joined a programme to help me with my physical health.

But now, the anxiety is ramping back up and I'm feeling really despondent and down about it, all because of this nonsense of having to work in a fucking bullshit c**t office. It makes me really angry, as there is zero need for me to be in there (every single part of my job can be done from home, or anywhere else), and this anger is also adding to making me feel shit. I've spoken with them (my work) about it and they aren't budging. 

Working in an office is garbage. First, they are stealing my time with the commute. It's a significant pay cut in real terms when you take that in to account and the costs of travelling, work clothes (annoys me that I can't wear what I want) etc. The office is always roasting and just a massively uncomfortable place to be. They don't even have water available. But having less time for myself is the worst. It just feels like a never ending cycle of work/sleep/work.

I feel trapped again. I don't have any qualifications, so getting a job is difficult for me. I could start the Open University degree again (was thinking about doing so later in the year), but I can't last the time it would take to complete it. Desperately been looking for a remote/working from home job, but having no luck. 

I feel like I'm losing everything I worked hard to get, and feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope again. Dark thoughts are invading my mind again, and I fear they'll just get stronger. I'm starting to panic here and I can't see a solution, and worry that the whispers in the back of my mind will become more insistent and more appealing.

 

[welshbairn]

If you keep thinking about how terrible going back to the office is going to be you're not giving yourself a chance. Sounds like you're a lot healthier physically and mentally than you were a couple of years ago and you've sorted out stuff that was holding you back. So you're in a much stronger position to handle 3 days a week in the office, you might find it not nearly as bad as you're dreading, and you might even find things that are enjoyable about getting out of the house on a regular basis and interacting with more people. All I'm suggesting is give it a go and try not to be too gloomy about it, it's only 3 days a week.

[Sergeant Wilson]

Can you point to better performance WFH? If so, make a case for reduced actual attendance, backed by a Doctor's support if possible.

[energyzone]

Having big anxiety about having to go back to the fucking office. It's 'hybrid', but unfortunately means 3 days a week in the office. I despise the office.
Before I started working from home, I was so burned out and so ridden with anxiety, totally exhausted mentally. I felt trapped, that I was going to be stuck working in a job that bored me for life. I had just had to give up an Open University degree attempt (third failed attempt at university after Abertay and Aberdeen) as I was just destroyed mentally and couldn't commit my mind to it. In addition, I felt like I had no time for myself as was getting home just after 18.00 each night. I was on the verge and was really starting to have some pretty dark thoughts, as I could only see one way out (doing myself in, in case that wasn't clear).
Then I got to work from home. Suddenly, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from me. I could breathe again, for the first time in ages. Things weren't perfect of course, but gradually I made huge progression with my mental health. I was sleeping better (helped that I didn't have to get up as early) and feeling so much better in general. I was feeling ready, and able, to tackle other issues in my life and start working towards being me again (been many, many years since I was). It's been over a year since I last self harmed. It's been nearly two years since I last took out a payday loan. I have been getting better with my finances and think I might actually end February with some money saved from my wage (first time in my adult life, even though it will be a small sum). I only have a year left on my stupid debt arrangement scheme. I recently joined a programme to help me with my physical health.
But now, the anxiety is ramping back up and I'm feeling really despondent and down about it, all because of this nonsense of having to work in a fucking bullshit c**t office. It makes me really angry, as there is zero need for me to be in there (every single part of my job can be done from home, or anywhere else), and this anger is also adding to making me feel shit. I've spoken with them (my work) about it and they aren't budging. 
Working in an office is garbage. First, they are stealing my time with the commute. It's a significant pay cut in real terms when you take that in to account and the costs of travelling, work clothes (annoys me that I can't wear what I want) etc. The office is always roasting and just a massively uncomfortable place to be. They don't even have water available. But having less time for myself is the worst. It just feels like a never ending cycle of work/sleep/work.
I feel trapped again. I don't have any qualifications, so getting a job is difficult for me. I could start the Open University degree again (was thinking about doing so later in the year), but I can't last the time it would take to complete it. Desperately been looking for a remote/working from home job, but having no luck. 
I feel like I'm losing everything I worked hard to get, and feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope again. Dark thoughts are invading my mind again, and I fear they'll just get stronger. I'm starting to panic here and I can't see a solution, and worry that the whispers in the back of my mind will become more insistent and more appealing.
 

What is your organisation and line manager like in terms of employee welfare?

Instead of returning without saying anything, can you put a case forward for working from home, citing your existing productivity and commute? If that isn't met with approval then could you suggest a hybrid system where you only go in a couple of days per week?

Lastly, if neither of them is a realistic option, how about doing as the poster above suggested and getting a doctor's letter, recommending you with from home on the grounds of welfare, or mental health/anxiety if you are alright with disclosing the reason?

[LoonsYouthTeam]

Having big anxiety about having to go back to the fucking office. It's 'hybrid', but unfortunately means 3 days a week in the office. I despise the office.
Before I started working from home, I was so burned out and so ridden with anxiety, totally exhausted mentally. I felt trapped, that I was going to be stuck working in a job that bored me for life. I had just had to give up an Open University degree attempt (third failed attempt at university after Abertay and Aberdeen) as I was just destroyed mentally and couldn't commit my mind to it. In addition, I felt like I had no time for myself as was getting home just after 18.00 each night. I was on the verge and was really starting to have some pretty dark thoughts, as I could only see one way out (doing myself in, in case that wasn't clear).
Then I got to work from home. Suddenly, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from me. I could breathe again, for the first time in ages. Things weren't perfect of course, but gradually I made huge progression with my mental health. I was sleeping better (helped that I didn't have to get up as early) and feeling so much better in general. I was feeling ready, and able, to tackle other issues in my life and start working towards being me again (been many, many years since I was). It's been over a year since I last self harmed. It's been nearly two years since I last took out a payday loan. I have been getting better with my finances and think I might actually end February with some money saved from my wage (first time in my adult life, even though it will be a small sum). I only have a year left on my stupid debt arrangement scheme. I recently joined a programme to help me with my physical health.
But now, the anxiety is ramping back up and I'm feeling really despondent and down about it, all because of this nonsense of having to work in a fucking bullshit c**t office. It makes me really angry, as there is zero need for me to be in there (every single part of my job can be done from home, or anywhere else), and this anger is also adding to making me feel shit. I've spoken with them (my work) about it and they aren't budging. 
Working in an office is garbage. First, they are stealing my time with the commute. It's a significant pay cut in real terms when you take that in to account and the costs of travelling, work clothes (annoys me that I can't wear what I want) etc. The office is always roasting and just a massively uncomfortable place to be. They don't even have water available. But having less time for myself is the worst. It just feels like a never ending cycle of work/sleep/work.
I feel trapped again. I don't have any qualifications, so getting a job is difficult for me. I could start the Open University degree again (was thinking about doing so later in the year), but I can't last the time it would take to complete it. Desperately been looking for a remote/working from home job, but having no luck. 
I feel like I'm losing everything I worked hard to get, and feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope again. Dark thoughts are invading my mind again, and I fear they'll just get stronger. I'm starting to panic here and I can't see a solution, and worry that the whispers in the back of my mind will become more insistent and more appealing.
 

Mate, there's so many positives in that post, you've really come on more than you give yourself credit for.

Do you feel open to tell your work your feelings about going back in? I'd hope they could do the best for you. Is there anybody at work you could speak to? Do you think you'd be up to trying a day back in the office? I had major apprehension about going back to the office but was OK when I got there, admittedly it will be different for everyone.

[Guest]

Hi guys.

My gran died on Sunday. Entirely expected but still a huge boot in the baws. It's really got me and I'm struggling. 

Can about manage but I'm really scared to be on my own, live with my partner and mum, dad and sister are two minutes away so it's unlikely. 

I'm also really struggling because of all the DGW stuff. Yes I'm a Clyde supporter and I probably deserve to suffer but to explain my personal position. I have supported Clyde since 2000, I am Autistic and going on a Saturday was a vital part of my routine. In 2017 I was working with a young man to go to Clyde as a job, paid to do something you love, perfect. So, if I had stopped going I was not only giving up a hobby I was giving up a job.

My partner started coming to Clyde in 2018 and loved it. He watched us because he loved the cameradere and the traveling to away games. He has however been raped when he was younger so it was always uneasy. Him leaving is a massive relief.

I get that many people won't have any sympathy with me here because I'm a Clyde fan, a mod has already called me a hypocrit ,but I hope in the depression thread that people will be slightly more understanding. Just had to get it off my chest. 

All building up to a head. Going to go back to work tomorrow after 2 days to recover and hopefully that will distract me from everything.

 

 

*btw if you hate me because of my football team and think I deserve to suffer please don't tell me I feel bad enough as it is

[Bully Wee Villa]

I'm very sorry for your loss. It never matters how much it is expected it is always horrible.

I feel you've made your point well. It is very difficult to walk away from a club and your experience mirrors that of many Clyde fans (and Raith fans, now). Not such an issue for me as I rarely attend due to distance, but even so. I look forward to the next Clyde match I can attend when he isn't playing any more and hopefully you can too.

I don't think you're a hypocrite (and think the post in question was talking generally, anyway, not having a pop at you).

If you feel it is the right thing to do to head back to work then go for it, but I hope they will be understanding and sympathetic if you need to go for a walk or take a break or whatever if it all gets too much.

Once again, deepest sympathies, I hope that time passing allows you to focus more on happy memories.

[the_bully_wee]

5 minutes ago, RosspCfc said:

Hi guys.

My gran died on Sunday. Entirely expected but still a huge boot in the baws. It's really got me and I'm struggling. 

Can about manage but I'm really scared to be on my own, live with my partner and mum, dad and sister are two minutes away so it's unlikely. 

I'm also really struggling because of all the DGW stuff. Yes I'm a Clyde supporter and I probably deserve to suffer but to explain my personal position. I have supported Clyde since 2000, I am Autistic and going on a Saturday was a vital part of my routine. In 2017 I was working with a young man to go to Clyde as a job, paid to do something you love, perfect. So, if I had stopped going I was not only giving up a hobby I was giving up a job.

My partner started coming to Clyde in 2018 and loved it. He watched us because he loved the cameradere and the traveling to away games. He has however been raped when he was younger so it was always uneasy. Him leaving is a massive relief.

I get that many people won't have any sympathy with me here because I'm a Clyde fan, a mod has already called me a hypocrit ,but I hope in the depression thread that people will be slightly more understanding. Just had to get it off my chest. 

All building up to a head. Going to go back to work tomorrow after 2 days to recover and hopefully that will distract me from everything.

 

 

*btw if you hate me because of my football team and think I deserve to suffer please don't tell me I feel bad enough as it is

Ross, first and foremost, sorry for your loss. The ones you know are coming aren't any easier to deal with whatsoever, as counter-intuitive as that can feel throughout the period of their declining health. Just make sure not to shut yourself off at all and be open with your loved ones, holding them as close as you can while you all grieve your gran. As BWV said above, returning to work might well be a bit of a tonic as a distraction but you should absolutely be looking out for number one and taking breaks or time off if it makes things any worse, or if things ever briefly get too much.

I'm in a few similar boats to yourself. I've had my struggles with depression in the past and still have the odd bad day here and there, but thankfully all very manageable for a good while now.

Of course, in writing this I'm now opening us up to the double-barrel of both being big bad Clyde fans, but maybe we'll just have to deal with that as and when it comes. I'm not looking for any kind of pity in saying this, but I don't think opposition fans understand (or want to try understanding) just how difficult it is to tear yourself away from such an enormous part of your life on moral grounds. A lucky few are able to, plenty lapse after an initial desire to boycott and, as you'll have seen, some just sadly don't seem to care a jot about - and in some genuinely disgusting cases, glorify - Goodwillie and the baggage he brought. For myself, several Clyde fans I know and, it seems, yourself, there was plenty of discomfort along the way but an inability to just dissociate ourselves from a cursed club so ritualistically embedded in our lives.

Literally weeks after Goodwillie's initial signing, I met an ex-girlfriend of mine for the first time and over the course of our near two-year relationship she was, for some utterly madcap reason, keen to attend Clyde games here and there. I was eager to discuss the Goodwillie situation early doors and she thankfully wasn't at all bothered about it or my continuing support of the club and attendance at its games, albeit due to work at that time I seldom made many (a real blessing, as that was the Chapman era). Around the end of Chapman's reign she told me one night that she'd been raped, and that ever-vivid moment still tortures me to this day. I don't think I've ever been as viscerally upset, angry and guilty feeling as I was in the infinitely-long moments after she uttered the words. This conversation came months before she even started attending games; looking back, I'm not at all sure how she was able to enthusiastically attend as a victim, but it certainly made it easier for me to morally square Goodwillie playing football when her belief was that he should be allowed to. Unfortunately, it just happened to be at our club. As you've maybe seen me say elsewhere, though, it's a source of relief that he's gone even if the scars will rightly be visible on our club for years to come.

As I've said, I wish opposition fans could be a bit more sympathetic, but then that's not how football fans tend to be. I've absolutely no doubt that if the roles were reversed, we and other Clyde fans would be asking opposition fans how they could possibly support a club whose star player and captain is a rapist, unable to comprehend it.

In any case, I hope your mental health improves swiftly and I'm also hopeful that when you're next at Broadwood, there's no lingering doubt or shame - other than that derived from watching Rob Jones walking around the centre circle for 90 minutes, of course. 

[beesher]

On 30/01/2022 at 12:08, DA Baracus said:

It makes me really angry, as there is zero need for me to be in there (every single part of my job can be done from home, or anywhere else), and this anger is also adding to making me feel shit. I've spoken with them (my work) about it and they aren't budging. 

Working in an office is garbage. First, they are stealing my time with the commute. It's a significant pay cut in real terms when you take that in to account and the costs of travelling, work clothes (annoys me that I can't wear what I want) etc. The office is always roasting and just a massively uncomfortable place to be. They don't even have water available. But having less time for myself is the worst. It just feels like a never ending cycle of work/sleep/work.

I feel trapped again. I don't have any qualifications, so getting a job is difficult for me. I could start the Open University degree again (was thinking about doing so later in the year), but I can't last the time it would take to complete it. Desperately been looking for a remote/working from home job, but having no luck. 

I feel like I'm losing everything I worked hard to get, and feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope again. Dark thoughts are invading my mind again, and I fear they'll just get stronger. I'm starting to panic here and I can't see a solution, and worry that the whispers in the back of my mind will become more insistent and more appealing.

 

I really don't get some employers. They have an easy chance to demonstrate consideration for employees by allowing them to continue working in the same way as they've done for last two years, and they come out with this pish. 

If you have a diagnosis of anxiety/depression etc, then you could argue that the company should make reasonable adjustments to allow you to return to work, the main one being the ability to work from home.

Also not providing access to drinking water is illegal!

[scottsdad]

On 30/01/2022 at 12:08, DA Baracus said:

Having big anxiety about having to go back to the fucking office. It's 'hybrid', but unfortunately means 3 days a week in the office. I despise the office.

Before I started working from home, I was so burned out and so ridden with anxiety, totally exhausted mentally. I felt trapped, that I was going to be stuck working in a job that bored me for life. I had just had to give up an Open University degree attempt (third failed attempt at university after Abertay and Aberdeen) as I was just destroyed mentally and couldn't commit my mind to it. In addition, I felt like I had no time for myself as was getting home just after 18.00 each night. I was on the verge and was really starting to have some pretty dark thoughts, as I could only see one way out (doing myself in, in case that wasn't clear).

Then I got to work from home. Suddenly, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from me. I could breathe again, for the first time in ages. Things weren't perfect of course, but gradually I made huge progression with my mental health. I was sleeping better (helped that I didn't have to get up as early) and feeling so much better in general. I was feeling ready, and able, to tackle other issues in my life and start working towards being me again (been many, many years since I was). It's been over a year since I last self harmed. It's been nearly two years since I last took out a payday loan. I have been getting better with my finances and think I might actually end February with some money saved from my wage (first time in my adult life, even though it will be a small sum). I only have a year left on my stupid debt arrangement scheme. I recently joined a programme to help me with my physical health.

But now, the anxiety is ramping back up and I'm feeling really despondent and down about it, all because of this nonsense of having to work in a fucking bullshit c**t office. It makes me really angry, as there is zero need for me to be in there (every single part of my job can be done from home, or anywhere else), and this anger is also adding to making me feel shit. I've spoken with them (my work) about it and they aren't budging. 

Working in an office is garbage. First, they are stealing my time with the commute. It's a significant pay cut in real terms when you take that in to account and the costs of travelling, work clothes (annoys me that I can't wear what I want) etc. The office is always roasting and just a massively uncomfortable place to be. They don't even have water available. But having less time for myself is the worst. It just feels like a never ending cycle of work/sleep/work.

I feel trapped again. I don't have any qualifications, so getting a job is difficult for me. I could start the Open University degree again (was thinking about doing so later in the year), but I can't last the time it would take to complete it. Desperately been looking for a remote/working from home job, but having no luck. 

I feel like I'm losing everything I worked hard to get, and feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope again. Dark thoughts are invading my mind again, and I fear they'll just get stronger. I'm starting to panic here and I can't see a solution, and worry that the whispers in the back of my mind will become more insistent and more appealing.

 

My wife is having similar discussions with her team. Her viewpoint is the opposite of yours in that for her welfare she wants more time in the office; others in her team want to keep WFH and the management's first suggestion was for everyone to be in 2 days per week. There was backlash on all fronts by people saying they wanted in more or less. In the end they backed off and have essentially allowed the team back in on their own terms. There is a rota in place and the team have been able to put in as much time in the office as they want (or do not want).

Might very well be worth a discussion with your manager. I don't know the person or the culture of the place you work, but as has been said elsewhere you can make the case for continued WFH on a few fronts (work productivity, wellbeing, etc). My sense is that many managers are open to such discussions now.

[NotThePars]

On 30/01/2022 at 12:08, DA Baracus said:

Having big anxiety about having to go back to the fucking office. It's 'hybrid', but unfortunately means 3 days a week in the office. I despise the office.

Before I started working from home, I was so burned out and so ridden with anxiety, totally exhausted mentally. I felt trapped, that I was going to be stuck working in a job that bored me for life. I had just had to give up an Open University degree attempt (third failed attempt at university after Abertay and Aberdeen) as I was just destroyed mentally and couldn't commit my mind to it. In addition, I felt like I had no time for myself as was getting home just after 18.00 each night. I was on the verge and was really starting to have some pretty dark thoughts, as I could only see one way out (doing myself in, in case that wasn't clear).

Then I got to work from home. Suddenly, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from me. I could breathe again, for the first time in ages. Things weren't perfect of course, but gradually I made huge progression with my mental health. I was sleeping better (helped that I didn't have to get up as early) and feeling so much better in general. I was feeling ready, and able, to tackle other issues in my life and start working towards being me again (been many, many years since I was). It's been over a year since I last self harmed. It's been nearly two years since I last took out a payday loan. I have been getting better with my finances and think I might actually end February with some money saved from my wage (first time in my adult life, even though it will be a small sum). I only have a year left on my stupid debt arrangement scheme. I recently joined a programme to help me with my physical health.

But now, the anxiety is ramping back up and I'm feeling really despondent and down about it, all because of this nonsense of having to work in a fucking bullshit c**t office. It makes me really angry, as there is zero need for me to be in there (every single part of my job can be done from home, or anywhere else), and this anger is also adding to making me feel shit. I've spoken with them (my work) about it and they aren't budging. 

Working in an office is garbage. First, they are stealing my time with the commute. It's a significant pay cut in real terms when you take that in to account and the costs of travelling, work clothes (annoys me that I can't wear what I want) etc. The office is always roasting and just a massively uncomfortable place to be. They don't even have water available. But having less time for myself is the worst. It just feels like a never ending cycle of work/sleep/work.

I feel trapped again. I don't have any qualifications, so getting a job is difficult for me. I could start the Open University degree again (was thinking about doing so later in the year), but I can't last the time it would take to complete it. Desperately been looking for a remote/working from home job, but having no luck. 

I feel like I'm losing everything I worked hard to get, and feel like I'm starting to slide down the slope again. Dark thoughts are invading my mind again, and I fear they'll just get stronger. I'm starting to panic here and I can't see a solution, and worry that the whispers in the back of my mind will become more insistent and more appealing.

 

If you get a doctor's letter and involve HR (if there's a department) with a reasonable adjustments request then I think your manager etc should be duty bound to give it consideration and provide an official response. It might have to be a compromise between you and the business but it might give you reduced office time at least. That's what we've had in our department and I would always recommend going through official channels rather than stepping down after informal discussions.