kennysmassiveego Posted August 20, 2017 Share Posted August 20, 2017 What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ? Having a lentil on your face doesn't cost you £200 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 What do fat birds and mopeds have in common? They're both OK for a ride as long as your mates don't see you. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 A man says to his wife " I'm just going out for a few pints won't be too late " She says " if you come home like last time I'm divorcing you for certain OK " Man says " that won't happen I promise " It's 2 in the morning and he's so drunk that he's sick all over himself . He asks his drinking buddy for help , he replies that he should stick a £20 note in his inside pocket and when he gets home and the wife notices the vomit all over his clothes he should explain that that another man was sick over him and as a way of apologising give him the £20 note. Fortified with the ready made excuse he heads home . He stumbles in the door and finds the wife waiting for him "look at the state of you and you smell awful that's it your out of here and the divorce is happening" The man then gives her the ready made excuse and pulls the £20 note out of his top pocket with a flourish but instead of one two £20 notes fall out. The wife asks " what the other £20 note for then?" The man thinks quickly ... " that'll be from the man who shat in my pants " 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 Did you hear about the deaf pirate? He had nae buccaneers. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophia Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 The pirate's favourite biblical character ...... Aaaaaarchangel Gabrial 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 Pirates favourite classical philosopherAaaaristotle 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 Pirate's favourite hole. Aaaaarse. (Although the pirate communities of the 18th century were more in tune with modern ideas of democracy and equal rights than most Governments of the age, the female sex was unfairly represented onboard.) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 (edited) I'm not a fan of the new pound coin , but then again , I hate all change Edited August 22, 2017 by kennysmassiveego Thank you bbc 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pearbuyerbell Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-scotland-41011490/pound-coin-joke-is-funniest-at-edinburgh-fringe Absolutely awful. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raithie Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 A family are driving behind a bin lorry when out flies a dildo that hits the car windscreen. Her son takes a keen interest asking what it was. Embarrassed his Mum says "that was just an insect son, nothing to worry about". The son replies "I'm surprised it managed to get off the ground with a cock that size". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmic Joe Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Guy goes into a shop "A tin of pigeon meat please" Shopkeeper "No can do" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" The shop owner said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 The American embassy refused me permission to make a jelly mound of Donald Trump They said it would set a dangerous precedent 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Just bought a great car,unfortunately I can't afford a driver. Typical,spend all that money and nothing to chauffeur it-------------------------You ever had beaver curry? It's just a little otter 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 (edited) I just got a pair of trainers off the local drug dealer. I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day... Edited August 26, 2017 by jagfox99 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I tripped over the lace on my new trainers. I was only following the instructions on the box - TAIWAN... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteRoseKillie Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Just bought a great car,unfortunately I can't afford a driver. Typical,spend all that money and nothing to chauffeur it-------------------------You ever had beaver curry? It's just a little otter That would be Chicken Tarka, surely? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Gave him a ring of bright water? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 5 hours ago, WhiteRoseKillie said: That would be Chicken Tarka, surely? 5 hours ago, Raidernation said: Gave him a ring of bright water? Do either of you give a dam? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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