JoseMarooniho Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Went into town today to buy a pair of camouflage trousers.Couldn't see any. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I met my girlfriend during one of those "race for life" events.I say that, she was fleeing a rapist. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Spoiler Dr. Dre 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoseMarooniho Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 I walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory.Nobody talks to me like that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackislekillie Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 What's brown and sticky? A stick. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) A Glasgow burd is out for a walk with a wean in a push chair. A friendly old dear starts talking to her and and comments on the child's hair. "What a beautiful head of hair", she gushes...."Did her father have also have red hair", she asks. "Dunno, misses" the burd replies...." He never took his bunnet aff." Edited June 28, 2017 by ICTJohnboy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glenconner Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 22 minutes ago, ICTJohnboy said: A Glasgow burd is out for a walk with a wean in a push chair. A friendly old dear starts talking to her and and comments on the child's hair. "What a beautiful head of hair", she gushes...."Did her father have also have red hair", she asks. "I dunno, misses" the burd replies...." He never took his bunnet aff." Junior forum for the auld auld jokes 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 A seal walks in to a bar and says to the barman 'can I have a drink please'. Barman 'ok no problem, what's your pleasure?' Seal 'anything except a Canadian Club'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Whats 6" long and starts with a 'P'? Spoiler A Shite 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Woman says to her husband, "John, it's my fiftieth birthday next month so you should get me a special present. I'd like a boob job." Her husband says, "How much will that cost?" She answers, "Five thousand pounds." "Five grand?" says her husband. "That's a bit much. Just get some toilet paper, fold it up and rub it all over your chest." "And will that make my boobs grow bigger?" she asks. Her husband replies, "Well, it's worked on your arse." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Guy getting changed after a session at the gym. He pulls on a pair of lacy women's panties. His mate asks, "For God's sake, Willie, how long have you been wearing those?" Willie replies, "Ever since the wife found them in the back seat of the car!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkeyblair Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 On 25/06/2017 at 11:22, Stinky Bone said: Woman places and advert in newspaper. "Wanted: Tall, dark, handsome man that can satisfy my sexual needs to the fullest. Reply to 3 Horny Avenue, Shagton, Fannyburgh." Next day an Italian man comes to her door and the woman says "Wow, you are tall, dark and handsome, tell me how you can satisfy me." The Italian says, "I will make love to you while I drive at 150 mph in my Ferrari." Woman says, " You are not for me, you would be too busy concentrating on your driving to pay me much attention, besides I don't like fast cars." A day later a Frenchman appears at her door, same question was asked, " Wow, you are tall, dark and handsome, tell me how you will satisfy me?" Frenchman, "I will cook you some classic French cuisine and then make mad passionate love to you." Woman replies, "Nope, your breath stinks of garlic and I don't like snails. Your not for me." Many days later the woman is losing all hope of getting her hole, when her doorbell rings. She answers it and at first thought nobody was there but then sees a 3 feet tall dwarf with no legs or arms on her doorstep. "Can I help you" says the woman. "I am here about the advert in the paper" replies the dwarf. "But you are neither Tall dark or handsome" says the woman. "What makes you think you could satisfy me?" Limbless Dwarf replies, "I managed to ring the doorbell didn't I" And Snow White lived happily ever after with her dwarf and her dildo called Pinocchio. Long post + no green dots = didn't bother to read. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 32 minutes ago, G_Man1985 said: Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Probably had AIDS after sleeping with Allsorts. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Connolly Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 What kind of dog does magic tricks? A labracadabrador 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 The kids at a primary school come back into their class after break. The teacher asks one wee boy; "Jimmy, what did you do at break?" "I played in the sand pit with Mary miss" Replied Jimmy. "Oh great Jimmy, can you spell sand?" Says the teacher. "S-A-N-D" "Well done Jimmy" The teacher continues; "Mary, what were you doing?" "I wasin the sand pit with Jimmy miss" says Mary. "Good, spell pit please Mary." "Thats easy, P-I-T" The teacher moves on to anther wee boy; "Abdul, what were you doing on your break?" "Well miss, because Im different, nobody will play with me" The teacher addresses the class at her upset "Children thats awful, thats known as racial discrimination" Spoiler "Abdul, spell racial discrimination" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I was raised by a pack of hyenas. It wasn't easy, but we had a lot of laughs 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Breaking News.... Explosion in Greenock cheese factory..De brie everywhere. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Did you hear about the new Israeli cheese on the market.Cheeses of Nazareth 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 You really should tread more caerphilly on here. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 15 hours ago, John Lambies Doos said: Did you hear about the new Israeli cheese on the market. Cheeses of Nazareth Or the world's first ice cream van. Walls of Jericho 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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