Believe The Hype Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Had a great funeral couple of years ago. Guy used to run the fitba team, all the lads there, pints afterwards, ended up in a club and pumped a solid 8.5 that I went out with about 10 years before. Woke up in her flat with funeral attire strewn across the room and the 'program' from the funeral propped up on her dresser with the deid boys picture watching on. Its what he would have wanted, the pervert. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 My grandfather was cremated a couple of years ago. They played Village People's "In the Navy" as the coffin rolled off towards the eternal fire. I'm not sure if it was what he would have wanted, but it still makes me laugh. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thisal Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 I went to a funeral once the master of ceremonies must have got his funerals mixed up. He kept on about some war hero in the middle east. Apparently he died to save us then turns out he wasn't really dead (I imagine things were a bit chaotic in Iraq) and had a big meal to celebrate, then really died. The mc must of realised his mistake just in time and managed to get in a quick 2 minutes about how loved my auntie May was. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Pete Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 I mind my uncle's funeral the priest obviously hadn't a scooby who the deceased was so when he's giving his wee speech from the pulpit he started talking about Armageddon (the film, not the bible scenario) as he had seen it on the telly the night before. He then tried very clumsily to work the storyline of Armageddon into comforting words about my late uncle. So we got something like "John was a nice man, beloved by his family. I'm reminded of the film Armageddon, which I saw on television last night, wherein a brave crew has to save the world from an impending meteor strike. In the end they are able to save the world and return to a heroes welcome. This puts me in mind of John. I think we can all take comfort from that". What the deceased, childless, unmarried, alcoholic had in common with a film about Steve Buscemi shooting a machine gun at a space rock whilst batman pumps Aerosmith's daughter is anyone's guess. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Maybe he was thinking about Steve Buscemi's character in Big Daddy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forever_blue Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 My grandfather was cremated a couple of years ago. They played Village People's "In the Navy" as the coffin rolled off towards the eternal fire. I'm not sure if it was what he would have wanted, but it still makes me laugh. Was he genuinely in the navy or was this some sort of mix up? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Been to plenty funerals in my time, nothing out of the ordinary has happened that I can recall. Just some very nice moments, well as nice as it can be at a funeral. Only thing that sticks out in my mind funeral wise is when I was asked to carry the coffin of my wife's gran, which would be the first time I carried a coffin. She was in a 4 in a block flat so had to be turned every which way in her coffin to get her out of the flat and everything the funeral director asked me to do I struggled with and eventually didn't do due to the space constraints so ended up just standing about watching other folk get it sorted feeling like an awkward tit and when we got back to the graveyard when we had got the coffin to the grave I was looking to get out of the limelight a bit and let the family grieve but they all crowded round and I couldn't move so was left standing right at the mouth of this grave feeling awkward as f**k as the whole family breaks their hearts round about me. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fullerene Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 What's that old joke that every body has heard. Tam and a friend are queuing to get into the stadium when a funeral procession goes by Tam takes off his cap and holds it to his chest. His friend says "Hey Tam, that's not like you." Tam replies "Maybe not but she was a fine wife for all these years." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Maybe he was just very gay. He wouldn't have been too happy about being cremated... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Kincardine Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Question re language here. "A wake" takes place before a funeral. What happens after is "a purvey". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobby Skidmarks Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Fascinating. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortar Bored Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Just saw this thread and thought my old woodwork teacher Mr O'Shenanigans had passed away, turns out he's just doing a seven stretch for sexual abuse of minors! The relief! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Estragon Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Think I posted elsewhere before but fek it.. My mum's cousin was an extra in an episode of Taggart. They were filming a funeral scene and the lowering the coffin into the grave didn't look right as it was too light and just bobbing about. He ended up in the coffin to help give it some weight. Unfortunately it was just a balsa wood prop and exploded in a shower of splinters as he was being lowered into the grave. f**k. That. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trainspotter Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Question re language here. "A wake" takes place before a funeral. What happens after is "a purvey". Hence the old joke that if Four Weddings and a Funeral had been set in the Highlands, it would have been called 'Five Co-op Purveys'. My ex-wife managed to overtake the hearse on the way to her cousin's burial, a trick my current partner nearly repeated on the way to crematorium at my mother's funeral. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Kincardine Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Hence the old joke that if Four Weddings and a Funeral had been set in the Highlands, it would have been called 'Five Co-op Purveys'. May be old for you but I've not heard it before. Why 'Highland' though? I thought 'purvey' was a general Scottish term. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trainspotter Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Nicked from the Herald Diary in the days of Tom Shields. He invited readers to send in their suggestions for Highland blockbusters, such as the above, Murdo on the Orient Express, Apokeachips Now, that sort of stuff. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Connolly Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 We are having soup then chicken supreme or steak pie, then tea and cakes. None of your sausage roll pish. Without wanting to sound insensitive, it is an utter disgrace to offer anything other than steak pie at a funeral. My dad actually has it written into his will that steak pie must be served at his! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Kincardine Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Nicked from the Herald Diary in the days of Tom Shields. He invited readers to send in their suggestions for Highland blockbusters, such as the above, Murdo on the Orient Express, Apokeachips Now, that sort of stuff. That ages you, chap. When I went to Yooni in London in 1981 my maw would post me the back pages of The Herald so I could keep in touch with Rangers. Now and then she'd snip Tom Shields's column. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 A friend of mine joined the Police and ended up getting murdered by her policeman boyfriend. At the funeral a coachload of cops appeared, much to the disgust of the family and friends. At the church, the police took one side whilst everyone else glowered at them from the other. The Minister said his piece about her, an ex-boyfriend said his piece, then a senior cop stood up to say his piece. But as he stood, there was an outbreak of angry muttering from our side and he looked a bit embarrassed then sat down again. They hung around until the burial then almost ran back onto their bus. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 Met the great Bert Paton at my old man's funeral. Almost made him croaking it worthwhile.Did he wear his black baseball cap? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.