Inanimate Carbon Rod Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Are you sure this isn't just the plot of Groundhog Day?Not sure what happened there I sent that shut down p&b and it sent again as soon as I reopened it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 5 hours ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: June Brown imo. Smokin' hot. Spoiler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ah-dee Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Smokin' hot. Spoiler wid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigBo10 Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Pretty sure I've told this one before but, hey-ho. In 1989 I was working in London and flat-sitting a place in Holland park for a guy that was on a round the world yacht race. For those that don't know, Holland Park is very posh. I was in a basement flat and my neighbours were (I was told) somebody from Pink Floyd and the writer Carla Lane (Bread). Anyway, I met this lassie and we were doing the horizontal tango quite vigorously at the flat when her back clicked, very loudly and she screamed. I thought she was joking but it quickly became clear that she wasn't - her back had locked and she was in a lot of pain. I panicked a little bit perhaps and called an ambulance then realised I needed to cover her up to preserve her dignity. Did I mention that her back locked when her legs were spread wide and in the air? I couldn't get her legs to go flat and I tried but failed to get a pair of boxer shorts on her (couldn't find her knickers) so gave her a towel to put between her legs as the ambulance guys arrived and she pulled on a sweatshirt. To their credit they didn't laugh as they brought in a stretcher but they couldn't get her legs shut or flat either so they loaded her on the stretcher and tried to get her out to the ambulance. Did I mention that this was a tiny basement flat down a flight of steps? No matter how they tried they couldn't get this girl lying on a stretcher with her legs spread in the air out the narrow door. Every time they tried to move her legs she screamed in agony so eventually they gave her laughing gas, which kinda worked. By this time a small crowd had gathered outside attracted by the blue flashing lights. Every curtain in the street was twitching as the half naked girl was carried out on a stretcher with her legs spread and in the air laughing her head off.That’s brilliant. Laughed before I even got half way down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 It's absolutely true too. A couple of months later she came home with me. She'd never been to Scotland so I'd been telling her all about the scenery and especially the Forth Bridge which we'd be crossing on the train. Her back went on the train so she crossed the Forth Bridge flat on her back in the aisle and an ambulance was waiting for her at Kirkcaldy station. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pub car king Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 On 26/10/2018 at 00:08, AsimButtHitsASix said: Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. I cannae mind the place I was to meet her at but it was near Tottenham Court Road and was/is well known amongst theatre luvvie types. I couldnae find it and I texted her to ask her to come out and get me and waited about half an hour before she came out as she hadn't got my text. Turns out it was a basement (no phone signal) place behind a nondescript looking door roon the back of a theatre. Like there's no way I would ever have found and, if I did, I woulda presumed it was some BDSM dungeon bar or something. Obviously hopeful it was the latter I went down just to find a rather pleasant members club where she signed me in. Was pretty cheap, especially for central London, and we took a wee booth in the corner. So I got her a wine and myself a pint and, by the time I had finished my pint, she was halfway through her third wine and I'm not a slow drinker. When I finished my pint she said she'd have a G&T. Like... immediately after I finished it and put it on the table. Didn't ask if I wanted another drink or if I was going to the bar. Just presumed. But, f**k it, I'm here now so may as well. Got her her drink and my pint and went for a slash and came back and she'd downed her drink and got herself a carafe of wine while I was gone. By the time I finished my second I made excuses about being on early shift and would have to leave and she asked me to walk her to the tube station. She was hammered as soon as the air hit her (or was already hammered and I hadn't noticed) When we got there, she said she had "lost" her Oyster card and she had to get the tube to one of the train stations to get back to Bedfordshire as she lived with her mum "who was an alcoholic and she shouldn't leave her alone" so I ended up paying for her travel back to the train station. She tried to give me a full on winch as she went toward the escalator but I turnt my face so she would peck my cheek but she just sorta... sucked on my cheek. Anyway I got her tae f**k and thought that was the end of that. About two months later I get a phone call at about half eleven and it's her, crying, because she was on a date and the guy left her (nae wonder) and she was stuck in London and could she crash at mine and she'd be really quiet and she just needed a bed and could I pay for her taxi because she didn't have any money. She was down in fucking Old Street tho' and I was in Walthamstow and I wisnae paying that for a cab so told her what bus to get and met her at the bus station an hour later. She comes off the bus, happy as larry, with two bottles of wine and mascara stains down her cheeks. We get back to mine and I show her the couch and go to my room but she comes through ten minutes later and wont shut the f**k up. Constantly nattering about her great her brother is and how mum's an alcoholic and how they used to sing Carpenters songs on car journeys to Wales as a kid and, eventually, starts fucking singing Carpenters songs. I eventually just pretended to be asleep and she crawled into bed beside me and tried firing in a bit but I just wanted her to f**k off. Wake up in the morning and go for a shower and, been in there two minutes, she starts banging on the door saying she needs in. So I reach over and open the door and she goes straight for the toilet and lets out a huge wet fart that smells like sulphur and she keeps saying sorry "She had an accident." Shite all over her drawers on the floor and on the handle of the toilet door (later found out there was more on my room door handle and in my bed). She picks up her shitty knickers and throws them in the shower at my feet asking me to give them a rinse because she's not got any other ones with her. I start cleaning her shite aff my door handles, throw my sheets in the wash and tell her to get ready and tell her I'm taking her to the tube station. Put her shitty knickers in a polly bag and take her there. She tried to give me another fucking winch and asks if I fancy meeting up again. For the next year or so I'd occasionally get calls from her at all hours but never answered any of them. Guarantee she's a Luton girl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 Mine aren't anywhere near on the same disaster scale, but I've had a few bad ones. The most bizarre was about 12 years ago. The ex-bird of a guy I knew randomly started messaging me on Bebo (remember that ). Anyway it was a bit weird but she looked relatively tidy in her photos so I thought why not. We arranged to meet a couple of days later. I had to pick her up from her parents who lived in a post steading conversion a few miles out of town. I'm thinking this is quite promising. She was indeed as tidy as the photos suggested so we headed into town had a few drinks and ended up back at my place, shagged a couple a couple of times before crashing out. This literally couldn't have gone any better. Until of course I had to get up for work at 7am, absolutely bursting for a pish and walked in on her sitting in an empty bath with the window open smoking what I assume was heroin. That made things a little awkward. I dropped her back off at her parents house. It turned out she actually lived in a shitey flat in Dundee, where I obviously ended up shagging her the following weekend. Also been out with a few psychos. During the height of my shagging around days I was on the Plentyoffish site (it was clunge-central, if you could weed out the nutters). Anyway, I got chatting to a MILF on there. Pretty hot, and tbh I was highly suspicious as to the authenticity of the photo. Nevertheless gambled and met her for a meal at a Chinese in Forfar. She was actually a lot nice than in her profile photo and the date went well. She was a teacher in Dundee, and seemed pretty sound. I gave her a lift home, and a good night kiss ended up with us shagging in the front seat of my shitey car within minutes. We kept in touch, and she asked me out on another date the following weekend, I couldn't as I'd already arranged a night out away with my pals but could see her through the week. She then went absolutely mental, sent loads of abuse through MSN Messenger and it was immediately apparent she was a total bunny boiler. I blocked her. A few weeks later I got another message from her on PoF (she'd re-registered under another name) and sent me a long rambling series of messages about how many guys were chasing her, the footballer she was dating, how much money she was making, her new BMW and most bizarrely how she was going to have a 6 year child in her class charged with sexual assault (he'd punched her in the tit during a meltdown apparently). Proper mental stuff. Eventually I deleted my profile to avoid her. I signed back up a few months later with a new username, and I had a message from her literally within about 3 minutes. *Profile deleted*. Had another belter in 2012. Got chatting to a bird I hadn't seen for years at a local festival. We were both reasonably pished and soon ditched everyone and went back to my flat for a ride, before sorting ourselves out and going out on the piss again. Met up with her again a few days later for my pals birthday piss up. Went back to mine afterwards and this time she was really pished, and I was sober enough to notice she didn't handle drink well at all. She started randomly shouting obscenities up and down the street, and decided she wanted to sleep on the driveway (it was fucking freezing). Finally persuaded her to go into the house and put her to bed. I woke up at 4am to a loud thump as she'd fallen out the bed, immediately followed by the sound of her pishing herself, and the bedroom carpet whilst still half asleep and mumbling profanities. Oh fucking joy. Drove her home the following morning. She couldn't remember any of it. Surprisingly I didn't see her again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 On 26/10/2018 at 05:42, Inanimate Carbon Rod said: Are you sure this isnt just the plot of La-La Land? I got taken to the cinema to see that and im pretty sure thats what happened. I haven't seen La La Land, but I didn't think there was much shiting in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inanimate Carbon Rod Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 I haven't seen La La Land, but I didn't think there was much shiting in it.Its literally all jobbies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Cuddy Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 On 27/10/2018 at 09:13, jupe1407 said: Mine aren't anywhere near on the same disaster scale, but I've had a few bad ones. The most bizarre was about 12 years ago. The ex-bird of a guy I knew randomly started messaging me on Bebo (remember that ). Anyway it was a bit weird but she looked relatively tidy in her photos so I thought why not. We arranged to meet a couple of days later. I had to pick her up from her parents who lived in a post steading conversion a few miles out of town. I'm thinking this is quite promising. She was indeed as tidy as the photos suggested so we headed into town had a few drinks and ended up back at my place, shagged a couple a couple of times before crashing out. Dirty b*****ds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Twasn't a disaster - far from it ... but when I was pumping a Lithuanian lass whose English wasn't great - she quite rightly voiced concerns about an unwanted pregnancy ... however, she didn't know the word for condom so the best she could do was keep saying "Security!" until I put a johnny on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 2 minutes ago, Cardinal Richelieu said: Twasn't a disaster - far from it ... but when I was pumping a Lithuanian lass whose English wasn't great - she quite rightly voiced concerns about an unwanted pregnancy ... however, she didn't know the word for condom so the best she could do was keep saying "Security!" until I put a johnny on. I'm sure there's a joke about a couple of bouncers incoming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 2 minutes ago, Zen Archer said: I'm sure there's a joke about a couple of bouncers incoming. I would be disappointed if there wasn't. All joking aside though - I'm an ugly charmless b*****d, but that doesn't seem to put off birds in Eastern Europe. Which is nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 36 minutes ago, Cardinal Richelieu said: All joking aside though - I'm an ugly charmless b*****d, but that doesn't seem to put off birds in Eastern Europe. Which is nice. Do you dance like the dude in your avatar, maybe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 2 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said: I would be disappointed if there wasn't. All joking aside though - I'm an ugly charmless b*****d, but that doesn't seem to put off birds in Eastern Europe. Which is nice. Do you pay anything or just fire up Tinder and hope for the best? Asking for an ugly, charmless friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 6 hours ago, Lisa Cuddy said: Dirty b*****ds. Didn't exactly cover myself in glory over those years tbf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsimButtHitsASix Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 14 hours ago, welshbairn said: Do you pay anything or just fire up Tinder and hope for the best? Asking for an ugly, charmless friend. Badoo for the eastern Europeans m9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 11 hours ago, jupe1407 said: Didn't exactly cover myself in glory over those years tbf. You probably covered plenty of other things, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsimButtHitsASix Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 On 26/10/2018 at 00:08, AsimButtHitsASix said: Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. I cannae mind the place I was to meet her at but it was near Tottenham Court Road and was/is well known amongst theatre luvvie types. I couldnae find it and I texted her to ask her to come out and get me and waited about half an hour before she came out as she hadn't got my text... Blurring out names to save other poster's blushes (and the poor shitey lassie) But I am not alone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 9 minutes ago, AsimButtHitsASix said: Blurring out names to save other poster's blushes (and the poor shitey lassie) But I am not alone An Asim, Shandon, June Brown 3 way IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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