The Fantastic Excuses Thread

[BigBo10]

Guy who was on an opposite shift from me was out on the batter and phoned in to say he was too sick to come to nightshift. He was that drunk he went home early doors had a kip and turned up for work having had no idea he’d phoned in.

[Ross.]

4 hours ago, madwullie said:

A former mate of mine did this and then scored an extra sickie when she "miscarried" 

 

4 hours ago, MONKMAN said:

 

Know a guy who did similar in his final year at uni. Missed his last 2 exams due to being an absolute mess with the drugs, for several months, with his bird at the time. Went to the doctor and got diagnosed with depression due to the “miscarriage”. To be fair, he was an absolute mess at the time but pulled that one out of thin air. He ended up getting predicted grades and now works for one of the big 4 finance firms.

 

I won’t lie, I considered that option, but in the end just couldn’t be fucked continuing with the whole charade. Took the new job and that was the end of it.

[jagtastic]

"The club didn't go bust, it was just the company that ran it."

[Sweet Pete]

10 hours ago, Ron Aldo said:

When I worked in Tesco in my student days, it was the policy that you had to give at least 2 hours notice if phoning in sick.

One of my mates was due in on a Sunday morning and phoned in sick about half an hour before he was due to start. The reason he gave was that he was "up all night" with sickness and the shits. When the duty manager asked why he was only giving half an hours notice his reason was that he had been sleeping.

I've done this one. The rationale was that I had only fallen asleep at 6am.

Also phoned a colleague who wasn't my boss, steaming, from the pub at dinner time the day before work to tell them I would be too sick to come to work the next morning. Said colleague then simply told me that as I wasn't subordinate to them it was a wasted call. Said colleague was also my maw.

[Brummie Clyde]

Didn't Stephen Ireland excuse not playing for Republic of Ireland because his Gran had died?

Then used the same excuse about 6 times.

[Bert Raccoon]

I went for a Pizza Express and then went home for a w**k

[alta-pete]

11 hours ago, Mr Tourette said:

Didn’t Alex Ferguson blame a defeat at Southampton on Man Utd’s shirts being the wrong colour?

Was it not Sir AF who, going round a traffic jam because he couldn’t be arsed sitting in the queue and raced up the hard shoulder before being caught by the fuzz, got off because he claimed a major case of the Tex Ritters? 
 

edit: it was. https://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/oct/05/vivekchaudhary

[microdave]

Guy who was on an opposite shift from me was out on the batter and phoned in to say he was too sick to come to nightshift. He was that drunk he went home early doors had a kip and turned up for work having had no idea he’d phoned in.

I did that once. Out on the piss and phoned when I got home from the pub to leave a message on the answer machine. What I didn't know was that said machine also recorded the time the message was left at. Pretty embarrassing when I was told about it by a supervisor the next morning. Haven't thrown a sickie since then which was about twenty years ago.

[Arabdownunder]

Coaching in the local league yesterday, one of the players was late for the match because "there was an escaped pig in my back yard".

[GordonD]

 

3 hours ago, Arabdownunder said:

Coaching in the local league yesterday, one of the players was late for the match because "there was an escaped pig in my back yard".

Guy in my office (many years ago) got a phone call from a customer in a remote cottage in the borders. Halfway through, the customer said, "Oh hang on a minute, son, there's a sheep just come in the door!"

Edited April 19, 2021 by GordonD

[Myles Offside]

Here in Australia, voting is compulsory. After every election, the relevant Electoral Commission writes to all non voters asking them to provide a legitimate reason for not voting, otherwise they'll be fined. Needless to say, the reasons offered are many and varied, and the newspapers will usually publish some of the best (names removed, obviously). Best one I can remember was an indignant voter who protested "how can you fine me for not voting when I voted twice?"

[Cardinal Richelieu]

On the topic of buckets, when my friend was younger, he and his mates stashed a bucket of water the woods to take part in some alfresco soap bar inhalation.

Of course, over time, the bucket got spilled and nobody could be arsed going to get more water to top it up, so they decided to piss in the bucket instead. 

25 years later and he's still called "Piss Buckets" on occasion. And he still doesn't see anything wrong with it. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by Cardinal Richelieu

[greendot]

11 hours ago, Arabdownunder said:

Coaching in the local league yesterday, one of the players was late for the match because "there was an escaped pig in my back yard".

 

7 hours ago, GordonD said:

 

Guy in my office (many years ago) got a phone call from a customer in a remote cottage in the borders. Halfway through, the customer said, "Oh hang on a minute, son, there's a sheep just come in the door!"

Reminds me of this

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-south-scotland-43153830.amp

A Scottish Championship club is facing a selection headache after its reserve goalkeeper was hit by a runaway cow.

 

Queen of the South's Sam Henderson, 19, hurt his shoulder in the incident on his father's farm

 

[BigBo10]

Guy I worked with when I was a car valetor got nicknamed cooman because he was dropping a car off at another dealership and on his way back got stuck in a huge traffic jam. We thought he was at it as this is well before smartphones etc. Turns out he wasn’t ripping the pish and a bull had made it onto the motorway causing said jam.

[Busta Nut]

Like others have mentioned, I went out on a Friday after work, we got smashed and then went to a house. I stoated in at half 5 and decided I would not be goin in for my 7am Saturday shift.
I phoned in and said I was up all night spewing heid killin' me etc.

I went to bed but having already set my alarm it went off about 30 mins later and still rubber I got up and went into work completely forgetting I had called in sick.
My manager's manager asked me why I was in and seeing the puzzled look on my face he explained I was pretty adamant I wouldn't be in and almost rude about explaining why.
 

As it all flooded back to me I stuttered about called in and spoke to the night shift explaining I felt better and would be in.
He clearly didn't believe me and I would have been stinking of booze but he was just glad he wasn't short staffed on a Saturday.

[mishtergrolsch]

A few years back a guy in my work claimed he was 45 mins late for work for a whole week because he had to drop his 4 kids (each to a different partner) off at different schools around Dundee. 

When the boss returned from holiday the following Monday, the usual clipe informed the boss. The boss told the guy he'd let him off but he thought his reason was shite, which, it clearly was.

Then a few weeks later he came into the office, handed in his notice explaining he was moving down to Newcastle to get away from all of his ex partners and the bairns.

Apparently someone in the office has found him on Instagram and he works on the trains down there now.

Thats commitment to a lie.

Edited April 21, 2021 by mishtergrolsch

[The Moonster]

5 hours ago, mishtergrolsch said:

A few years back a guy in my work claimed he was 45 mins late for work for a whole week because he had to drop his 4 kids (each to a different partner) off at different schools around Dundee. 

When the boss returned from holiday the following Monday, the usual clipe informed the boss. The boss told the guy he'd let him off but he thought his reason was shite, which, it clearly was.

Then a few weeks later he came into the office, handed in his notice explaining he was moving down to Newcastle to get away from all of his ex partners and the bairns.

Apparently someone in the office has found him on Instagram and he works on the trains down there now.

Thats commitment to a lie.

Until the "working on the trains" bit I thought you were talking about Leigh Griffiths here. 

[Billy Jean King]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/56807526

[mishtergrolsch]

10 hours ago, The Moonster said:

Until the "working on the trains" bit I thought you were talking about Leigh Griffiths here. 

He had 4 kids, not 14 tbf.

[Sugar_Army]

When I was at uni I asked for an extension on a paper to be handed in on the Monday as I was going to a family wedding in England.

Got up on the Sunday to find my face plastered in a full page photo in the Sunday Mail of the Euro play-off against England at Hampden. 

I thought I would still get away with it as no way would my lecturer be caught dead with such a paper.

I go into class Monday and nothing is said.  End of class, as I am going out the door lecturer shouts asking how my wedding was.  I go slightly red and say "Fine" and keep walking to which he replies, "Aye, glad you enjoyed it, shite result though eh? Almost as bad as that photo of you in today's Scotsman". 

 

Second leg, on the tube to  Wembley, mate gets a call from his brother back in Dundee. 

Brother "Does your work know you are down there?"

Mate "Do they f**k, I phoned in sick"

Brother "Well they will now, you have just been on Reporting Scotland getting interviewed in Trafalgar Square ya dick".

Never was the phrase "Sacked in the morning" been more appropriate.