Family estrangement

[ICTChris]

The Huw Edwards story is dominating the headlines but I thought one aspect of it deserved its own thread - the young man who is alleged to have had contact with Edwards is said to be estranged from his family, or specifically his mother who is the source of the story. 

This got me thinking about family estrangement, where close family members become distanced, break of contact or are unable to maintain a relationship. It’s something that is relatively common, research has suggested that as many as one in five UK families are impacted by estrangement or breakdown. The most discussed version is when parents and children lose contact but it can also impact siblings or other relations, depending on circumstances. Some celebrity estrangements are Meghan Markle with her father and her husband na show family. The Gallagher brothers are notoriously estranged as well, knocking hopes of an Oasis reunion in a cocked hat.

Have any P&Bers experienced family estrangement, from either side, parent or child?

 

[Jacksgranda]

2 minutes ago, ICTChris said:

The Huw Edwards story is dominating the headlines but I thought one aspect of it deserved its own thread - the young man who is alleged to have had contact with Edwards is said to be estranged from his family, or specifically his mother who is the source of the story. 

This got me thinking about family estrangement, where close family members become distanced, break of contact or are unable to maintain a relationship. It’s something that is relatively common, research has suggested that as many as one in five UK families are impacted by estrangement or breakdown. The most discussed version is when parents and children lose contact but it can also impact siblings or other relations, depending on circumstances. Some celebrity estrangements are Meghan Markle with her father and her husband na show family. The Gallagher brothers are notoriously estranged as well, knocking hopes of an Oasis reunion in a cocked hat.

Have any P&Bers experienced family estrangement, from either side, parent or child?

 

Yes

[alta-pete]

A tough topic. I'll have a think about contributing..

[AUcal]

I estranged myself from David Hopkin's Ayr United team. It was good for both of us in the long run.

[Boo Khaki]

I have zero contact with my one surviving parent, zero contact with my only sibling, and have never met my youngest niece. All my choice. No intention of resuming contact regardless of reason. If I'm fortunate enough to outlive my parent I will not be attending any funeral or memorial, but tbh they could already be deid and I'd be none the wiser. I simply couldn't care less. My life is far easier, more enjoyable, happier, and tranquil without them in it in any capacity.

[ClydeTon]

Aye, Gus MacPherson's Morton, and my own mother (although, on my own accord, in both cases)

My contribution shall end here.

[philpy]

My wife cut all ties with her sister at the end of last year, and believe me it's the best thing she's ever done.

[MyNameIsClarence]

22 minutes ago, Boo Khaki said:

I have zero contact with my one surviving parent, zero contact with my only sibling, and have never met my youngest niece. All my choice. No intention of resuming contact regardless of reason. If I'm fortunate enough to outlive my parent I will not be attending any funeral or memorial, but tbh they could already be deid and I'd be none the wiser. I simply couldn't care less. My life is far easier, more enjoyable, happier, and tranquil without them in it in any capacity.

Your posts on the other thread are making a lot more sense now thanks 

[Boo Khaki]

4 minutes ago, MyNameIsClarence said:

Your posts on the other thread are making a lot more sense now thanks 

Feel free to explain this.

[senorsoupe]

Yes, my wife is estranged from her narcissist father 

[Ross.]

I had 2 brothers(I say had 2 as 1 is now dead) and 1 sister that I’ve never met. My dads first marriage wasn’t quite a match made in heaven. The kids cut off contact with both my dad and their mum, but still stayed in contact with my dads mother and siblings. The brother who is dead showed up at my dads door one Saturday night, completely at random, and spent a few hours talking to him(And my brother from my dads marriage to my mum) but never got in contact again.  I have absolutely zero interest in finding out anything else about any of them, all the stuff I do know has come when my dads sister occasionally dropped things into conversations.

[Boo Khaki]

21 minutes ago, Ross. said:

I had 2 brothers(I say had 2 as 1 is now dead) and 1 sister that I’ve never met. My dads first marriage wasn’t quite a match made in heaven. The kids cut off contact with both my dad and their mum, but still stayed in contact with my dads mother and siblings. The brother who is dead showed up at my dads door one Saturday night, completely at random, and spent a few hours talking to him(And my brother from my dads marriage to my mum) but never got in contact again.  I have absolutely zero interest in finding out anything else about any of them, all the stuff I do know has come when my dads sister occasionally dropped things into conversations.

That must  have been a bit of a shock for your old man. 

[Ross.]

1 minute ago, Boo Khaki said:

That must  have been a bit of a shock for your old man. 

[Boo Khaki]

[TxRover]

Living it.

[scottsdad]

My wife's dad is bad for this. In the 90s he split from his wife and moved in with her best pal. One daughter, who was disabled, stayed with her mum. He never spoke to her again. The youngest daughter took the situation badly and, at the age of 15 or 16, shouted at her dad. He never spoke to her again. 

He did speak to my wife until 2019. By this stage my wife's youngest sister had reached out a couple of times. She asked my wife if she would ask him one last time if he would speak to her. A intermediary. He said he would speak to his wife (he married his first wife's pal over 20 years ago). She came back to my wife and said no. 

The they ghosted us. My wife, the kids, everyone. 

So, of his 4 kids he only speaks to his son once or twice a year. But he is apparently a great dad and grandad to his wife's kids and their families. 

He had a heart attack last year. Did his wife phone us to let us know? Did she f**k. 

When he dies it'll be a quiet funeral. I doubt any of his kids will go. 

[effeffsee_the2nd]

My gran passed away last week at the age 91, we were not particularly close for numerous reasons ( although not estranged) and 91 is a decent innings.

anyway, she has /or had a half sister and brother no one has heard from in years and we don’t even know if they’re still alive or not. Their relationship was always difficult, the last contact was in early 2010 when my mum informed the sister that my gran had dementia and was in a care home, providing details if she’d like to visit- “I’ll think about it “ was the response then nothing more.

My grans own mother died in 1994 in her late 80s and never once told my gran who her real father was.

families eh, whit they like

Edited July 12, 2023 by effeffsee_the2nd

[scottsdad]

8 minutes ago, effeffsee_the2nd said:

My grans own mother died in 1994 in her late 80s and never once told my gran who her real father was.

Same here. My grandmother never knew who her father was and it upset her till the day she died. 

[Boo Khaki]

I think if this sort of thing has generational history in your family it's much more likely to affect your relationships. It's why I've never really 'got' close families. Nobody in mine is or ever was. Barely ever saw either set of grandparents when I was a kid. On my dad's side there's good reason for that. His mother was an absolute horror who domineered and controlled him until the day he died, so I think a big part of my lack of a relationship with them was my parents being determined not to let her be like that with her grandchildren. My maw's folks were a different story. No relationship there because of distance, but for the most part, and with a few notable exceptions, that side of the family were always ok with each other when they did meet, just that the meetings were rare and few and far between.

Problem for me, is my mother is also very much like my father's mother, even though the two of them hated each other and claimed the other was always the problem. Both of them raving narcissists, and I don't mean in the modern sense that anyone slightly disagreeable is labelled a narcissist, we're talking full on batshit crazy behaviours and histrionics if there is as much as a hint that the entire fucking world doesn't revolve around them. They are (were) utterly toxic to be around. I spent years being civil with my mother in the hope that she might one day admit she'd been a total horror for years and apologise. I'd have buried the hatchet with her had that happened, but unfortunately after my father passed she showed her true colours and reminded me that she's the absolute horror I'd always tried to convince myself she might not be.

I think it's easier for me to just have nothing to do with them because none of our family, including my immediate family, have ever been particularly close, so it's not all that different to how it was before, truth be told. It's just more of a settled feeling knowing that in my head I've formalised the decision to cut all contact with them, because then I don't even have to pretend or go through the motions. I've 'closed that book' so to speak, so it brings me a bit of peace and calm whereas before it was always a source of ire.

Sometimes it's not what people do that makes them toxic and abusive, it can as much be what they don't do. Neglect is a form of abuse, and you don't need to starve, your kids, beat them, leave them unclothed, cold, or filthy to neglect them. Kids have emotional needs, they need support and encouragement, and if you completely fail to give them any then you are by definition an abusive, neglectful parent. I don't see it as a loss, because I never had a mother worth the name anyway, but she's going to kick the bucket without it even being acknowledged by at least half of her children. Her loss.

[effeffsee_the2nd]

15 minutes ago, Boo Khaki said:

I think if this sort of thing has generational history in your family it's much more likely to affect your relationships. It's why I've never really 'got' close families. Nobody in mine is or ever was. Barely ever saw either set of grandparents when I was a kid. On my dad's side there's good reason for that. His mother was an absolute horror who domineered and controlled him until the day he died, so I think a big part of my lack of a relationship with them was my parents being determined not to let her be like that with her grandchildren. My maw's folks were a different story. No relationship there because of distance, but for the most part, and with a few notable exceptions, that side of the family were always ok with each other when they did meet, just that the meetings were rare and few and far between.

Problem for me, is my mother is also very much like my father's mother, even though the two of them hated each other and claimed the other was always the problem. Both of them raving narcissists, and I don't mean in the modern sense that anyone slightly disagreeable is labelled a narcissist, we're talking full on batshit crazy behaviours and histrionics if there is as much as a hint that the entire fucking world doesn't revolve around them. They are (were) utterly toxic to be around. I spent years being civil with my mother in the hope that she might one day admit she'd been a total horror for years and apologise. I'd have buried the hatchet with her had that happened, but unfortunately after my father passed she showed her true colours and reminded me that she's the absolute horror I'd always tried to convince myself she might not be.

I think it's easier for me to just have nothing to do with them because none of our family, including my immediate family, have ever been particularly close, so it's not all that different to how it was before, truth be told. It's just more of a settled feeling knowing that in my head I've formalised the decision to cut all contact with them, because then I don't even have to pretend or go through the motions. I've 'closed that book' so to speak, so it brings me a bit of peace and calm whereas before it was always a source of ire.

Sometimes it's not what people do that makes them toxic and abusive, it can as much be what they don't do. Neglect is a form of abuse, and you don't need to starve, your kids, beat them, leave them unclothed, cold, or filthy to neglect them. Kids have emotional needs, they need support and encouragement, and if you completely fail to give them any then you are by definition an abusive, neglectful parent. I don't see it as a loss, because I never had a mother worth the name anyway, but she's going to kick the bucket without it even being acknowledged by at least half of her children. Her loss.

Definitely the generational stuff, all the family dramas on both sides happened well before my time yet I have grown up with a bunch of relatives who I sort of know but not really and none of whom I’m close with. It must be said I’ve never had any grief or bad feelings from them but nothing much else either. 
I think it’s a big reason why I can’t really be arsed with Christmas, it was never a time of big gatherings and family fun ( nothing bad happened either) but beyond the very early years of presents and santa etc, there was nothing special about it, just 4 folk being forced to spend a day together, nae big deal really