BFTD

Hostel 2 - gleefully excessive sequel that could fairly be labelled 'torture porn'. Following a group of young women on their inevitable journey to Slovakian doom, it's not as taut as the original, and spends more time examining the organisation behind the killing. It's all about the execution this time around (ha ha), and your enjoyment will very much depend on your stomach for watching gruesome and very painful, lingering deaths. I thought it was a fun epilogue to the original; not to be taken seriously. Horror fans will no doubt love the cameos - I personally SQUEE'd a bit at the brief appearance of Ruggero Deodato as (what else?) a sadistic cannibal. Hostel 3 - We're at the inevitable straight-to-video, original-director-no-longer-involved part of the series now. A group of guys head off to Vegas for their friend's stag night, and it's fair to say that some of them won't be returning. The plot starts off by subverting a few things that we've come to expect, and adds a new location-based twist on the killers' rationale, but generally comes off as a pretty unnecessary third installment. It's not without entertainment value, but finishing here before the downhill slide continues would probably be a smart move. Worth a look if you liked the others, but don't expect the earth.

The Dyatlov Pass Incident - might as well get this out of the way first; Gemma Atkinson almost gets her huge fake norks out at one point, but the budget must not have stretched far enough for glamour model knockers. Found-footage movie about a student expedition to die in peculiar circumstances at the Russian site of the infamous 1959 Dyatlov expedition, where everybody died in peculiar circumstances. No spoiler necessary; the film gives that away within five minutes. Renny Harlin does a decent enough job of building up to the arrival at the site, before the whole thing takes a massive nosedive in the final third, pulling plot devices and antagonists out of its arse like impacted turds, along with a pretty uninspired MacGuffin. The final zoom-in to confirm what's been blatantly obvious for some time just adds insult to injury.

On the subject of pedestrians crossing the road, the crossing outside the bus station in Stirling used to be quality. Press the button, and the lights would change IMMEDIATELY. Evil b*****ds like myself would take great pleasure at the panic from speeding traffic Was like that for years too. Also, be grateful for our pedestrian crossings. I used to live in Arizona, and crossings are put in as an afterthought, purely because jaywalking is illegal. I never found a crossing that gave anything like enough time to make it across the road, even if you sprinted, and traffic considered you a target if you were still there when the lights changed, The message is very much that you've no business travelling anywhere on foot. And I used to cross the entrance to a freeway on the way home every day - a set of three different crossing lights. It literally took a minimum of half an hour just to cross this small section of road. Yes, I used to time it; didn't have a whole lot else to do while baking in 40C heat, waiting for lights to change. OK, I'm done.

Fucking hell!

In my defence, I was a Tiscali customer from back in the BT LineOne days, and was inherited by TalkTalk after the buyout. The service didn't change, so I haven't had cause to get in touch with them until the past year. Tiscali sorted out a line problem at a previous address pretty quickly; TalkTalk couldn't give less of a shit, so long as the direct debit goes through every month. Only other contact I've had with TalkTalk since they took over has been the almost daily cold calls and mailshots asking me to sign up for a two year contract for the same service at an increased price. Which, they insist, is less than I'm currently paying. Exactly how stupid do they think I am?

Fucking TalkTalk. Utterly pig-headed insistence on doing nothing to fix problems with our phone line. Having to switch and hope another provider understands that howling noise on the line is unacceptable. I don't get it. They might save money now on engineer visits, but their customers will gradually go elsewhere as they hit issues, and won't return

Landlords. Utter c***s, to a man, woman and ladyboy. Except you, sjc. You're lovely

That Trivago ad. "I want x, y & z. Can you show me how?" No. f**k off, you annoying, entitled bitch.

We'll have to fall apart, Morten-style, for him not to get a crack at the third tier. So long as we're competitive, I think he'll be fine. Allan Maitland got three or four seasons despite us looking like headless chickens at times. As far as Bazza's career goes, Ian Murray's practically a saint from getting Dumbarton into mid-table, so full-time clubs would probably start sniffing around if he managed something similar with us. Feeling quite optimistic that we'll give everyone a run for their money, I should add! I reckon he'll do well for us.

Dear Christ. I feel your pain. Not finding the puns funny for once - feel like I've got PTSD from that monstrosity.

It's been us and Cowden at the bottom since we both stayed up last season - I'd be amazed if anyone's thinking otherwise, due to the resource gap between us and the rest. Staying up this season would compete with either club's best achievements. So, I don't think it's worth panicking if our individual players don't quite match up to Livingston (for example), so long as they're working well as a unit. It's just going to be a fun season, I think. Nice to hear that Cowden have improved so much that they wouldn't want some of our best players, however. Looking forward to seeing how we handle playing against a team of such quality.

Dunno mate, maybe life with the Cistercians isn't for you? Maybe try a different order.

I have no idea who this person is. BTW, don't greenie my posts. They'll assume you're an alias and come looking for me. They're like wild animals on here

The Bob De Niro and Juliette Lewis thing made me quite queasy, so Scorsese must have been doing something right.

Jesus, spoilers. Loved that film - there's a nice vein of humour running through it. I thought the CG was pretty decent too. Apparently there's a lot of humour that non-Norwegians wouldn't get. I think Guillermo Del Toro is supposed to be doing an American remake, which I'd guess would be about as pants as the US Wicker Man.

Not for the young 'uns, surely? Must only be about a mile. Plean's a different matter, although I sometimes used to walk back to Stirling from there after the last bus had left. The A9's not a great journey on foot in the dark!

Someone mentioned Fallin earlier - I used to spend a bit of time there, and it seemed a decent enough place to live, especially as Stirling town centre is within walking distance. Bit miserable if you're an auld yin though, I'd have thought. Plean was a different matter - miserable hellhole with constant running neighbourhood battles and weans breaking everything, along with the worst chippy I've ever been in, where they seemed to have cooked everything the day before. I see they've built lots of new housing in the last decade, and it looked a bit nicer last time I passed through. I've lived in both Alloa and Sauchie, and both are nice quiet wee places to live, assuming you're happy to travel through to Stirling or Falkirk for entertainment. Tullibody's a different matter, or was when I spent more time there, ten or fifteen years ago. It's just housing, a pub, and a chippy. Oh, and the Tron Court shopping area, which was entirely derelict when last I saw it, barring three shops. And one of them was an empty hole that someone had parked a few arcade machines in (of the Super Sprint vintage). I'd like to think that Tron Court would be a bustling, vibrant shopping area by now, purely for the local community's sanity.

I find those Kindle adverts terrifying. They seem to be selling the concept of reading rather than the Kindle itself, for the most part.

I just saw this headline: Jeremy Kyle hopeful jailed over slogans. I initially read it as: Jeremy Kyle hopefully jailed over slogans. GAH! Edited for excessive underlining.

Might need to watch the Child's Play films again, haven't seen them in forever. Jennifer Tilly

Rollerball - EXTREEEEEME! Sports enthusiast Chris Klein (the Glee Club doofus from American Pie) enrols in a ultra-camp competitive rollerskating franchise and begins to realise that the organiser (hilariously Russian Jean Reno) is more concerned with profit than safety. Really surprised that this is twelve years old now; didn't miss much by not seeing it the first time around. This film is monumentally bad, and no doubt managed to offend everyone in the countries depicted. The sport itself is ludicrous and overly-complicated, which is impressive when considering there's practically nothing to it. The plot is ridiculous and lazy, and nothing comes across as being in any way believable or entertaining. There's also a long sequence shot in night vision, presumably for budgetary reasons, which features some bizarre comedy sound effects. There's also an odd obsession with scattering name musicians throughout the background of the film, some of whom aren't even heard to perform. Just awful in every way imaginable. On the other hand, Rebecca Romain's tits have never looked better, so...tough call! Hostel - American tourists in Europe are hooked up with a pussy paradise in Slovakia and discover that there's a price to pay for their fun. This is a much better film than you might imagine, and the 'torture porn' label isn't really applicable either; it's generally pretty restrained, especially compared to the grand guignol of the sequel. It's a nicely taut thriller that keeps you guessing for a while about exactly what's going on behind the scenes, and is pretty satisfying from beginning to end. Recommended, if you can stomach the brief occasions where the restraints slip. Also, masses of boobs, if you like that sort of thing

Fucking hell. Easily forgotten, but that girl was quite impressive back in the day.

Especially invigilators that do it all the way through university exams. This actually happened. Fucking raging.

Non-Stop - Liam Neeson is a washed-up air marshall whose plane is hijacked by text message. Drama ensues. I really liked this. Taut thriller in a confined space with Liam kicking ass and taking names - what's not to like? Read some bad reviews, and I think they must have been smoking the pot. The wife claims that this was a better film than Taken, which is practically heresy, but it's certainly not far off. And I'm not just saying that because of my longtime Julianne Moore obsession

People who park across two parking bays as well. An angel sheds a tear every time their cars are accidentally gouged.