Brother Blades Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Cant remember the full story but there was one that ended up with a person being stuck inside a car, hearing a knocking sound on the roof and it was the ghost using his wife's head. Or a dildo. Cant remember tbh. I’ve heard that one, definitely a dildo, it was the Ann Summers rep. Turns out she was suffering from a sickness bug, hence the ghost-like appearance. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Blades Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Not seen@Throbber does anyone know if he is an unwitting step-father yet? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 3 hours ago, Hedgecutter said: I have to give a ghost tour for some young Scouts (S1-3 or so) this coming Friday in an old part of Aberdeen, so to add to the complete fabrication I already have intended, any good stories you can come up with (or pinch from tours you've been on before)? I'm not after 'Green Lady' or 'Little Girl appears on the stairwell' type stuff, I'm talking stories that should scare the living bejeezus out of them, although not so bad that the parents call me up because wee Jimmy hasn't slept for two weeks and needs therapy. I hope you're not planning to give them the willies? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coprolite Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 21 hours ago, Myko said: Okay - a more basic approach would be the following question : Can a business mileage claim be more than the actual tax bill ? e.g. if i were due HMRC £1000, and i was able to claim £1125 in mileage (45p/mile for 2500 miles), would the mileage off-set the tax bill and would i get a £125 rebate ? No. You can't claim a mileage allowance off Hmrc. 45p is what an employer can pay you to cover the cost without it being counted as earnings. If your employer taxed you on this then they are numbnuts and you need to have a word. If you want to claim against your self employment you can have actual fuel costs, maybe a portion of repairs and insurance and capital allowances (restricted for personal use). That's £100 please 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DA Baracus Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Tell all the wee kids that a Terminator killed their dad and has been impersonating him like the T1000, and that he has also been shagging their maw. Explain that the Terminator will kill them at a totally random point, adding that it could be tonight or it could be in 10 years. Also tell them that the Alien from the Aliens films was spotted in the area and will almost definitely get them when it's dark. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellaboz Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Which old part of Aberdeen? Hopefully not Tillidrone. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Not seen[mention=40259]Throbber[/mention] does anyone know if he is an unwitting step-father yet? I told you it was 16 th we are expecting why are you getting ahead of yourself? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJ2 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Which old part of Aberdeen? Hopefully not Tillidrone. Harbour presumably 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myko Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 1 hour ago, coprolite said: No. You can't claim a mileage allowance off Hmrc. 45p is what an employer can pay you to cover the cost without it being counted as earnings. If your employer taxed you on this then they are numbnuts and you need to have a word. If you want to claim against your self employment you can have actual fuel costs, maybe a portion of repairs and insurance and capital allowances (restricted for personal use). That's £100 please My full time job is PAYE at a fixed location so that's not an issue. It's my part-time job i do where i receive fees that i'm concerned about. I receive a set fee for the work i do - no mileage or expenses are paid - and this goes in to my bank each month. I am not registered self-employed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 1 hour ago, throbber said: I told you it was 16 th we are expecting why are you getting ahead of yourself? Which could be 2 weeks either side ( unless it's a planned section - even then). Baby come when baby come. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Which could be 2 weeks either side ( unless it's a planned section - even then). Baby come when baby come. I know but he asked me a few days ago and in another thread today. Not that I don’t appreciate the concern of course. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 2 minutes ago, throbber said: I know but he asked me a few days ago and in another thread today. Not that I don’t appreciate the concern of course. Fair enough. Get the hospital bag packed and ready, and good luck! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Fair enough. Get the hospital bag packed and ready, and good luck! It’s been packed for a week now! And thanks, hopefully it comes sooner rather than later. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PB 4.2 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 1 hour ago, throbber said: It’s been packed for a week now! And thanks, hopefully it comes sooner rather than later. A day you'll never forget. It's like a fooking slaughterhouse, with maternity midwives moping down floor and fanny pads aplenty. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coprolite Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 8 hours ago, Myko said: My full time job is PAYE at a fixed location so that's not an issue. It's my part-time job i do where i receive fees that i'm concerned about. I receive a set fee for the work i do - no mileage or expenses are paid - and this goes in to my bank each month. I am not registered self-employed. right. You need to notify HMRC that you have a self employment. You need to keep a record of your fee income and expenses you incur in earning it. deduct expenses from income and you pay tax on the profit. If you travel you can claim a reasonable proportion of your motoring costs. I would suggest keeping mileage records (it sounds like you might have) and apportioning business and non business costs. Eg you do 20,000 miles a year and 4,000 of these for business, you have 20% business use so claim £60 of £300 insurance etc. For petrol use (miles ÷ your cars reported fuel consumption mpg )× average price of fuel £/g. claim all your materials stationary etc. as expenses. If you subscribe to any services for business purposes claim those (eg if you bought ms office for powerpoint- but not if you have sky and sometimes watch business related programs). if you get an itemised bill and pay for calls you can claim for phone use, but not if you use inclusive minutes on a personal phone. If you use your home as an office for significant periods and incur costs you might not otherwise, you might be able to claim a bit of expense for "use of home as office" a pound or two a week is probably ok. Any more and you would need good reasons, records and calculations. If you use any kit in your business you can claim 18% of the cost or value as capital allowances. This is 8% for cars (unless emissions are below. these percentages reduce for personal use ( in the car example above, you would be claiming 20% of the 8%, 1.6%. This is on a reducing balance, so in year 2 you claim 18 % of 82% etc. introduce pre existing assets at market value. there is also an annual investment allowance up to £100k where you can expense the whole cost of equipment (not cars) that is entirely for business. if it's not entirely for business get professional advice (or don't bother unless it's worth at least a few hundred- the advice will cost more than the tax saving) see, tax isn't dull 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coprolite Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 2 minutes ago, coprolite said: right. You need to notify HMRC that you have a self employment. You need to keep a record of your fee income and expenses you incur in earning it. deduct expenses from income and you pay tax on the profit. If you travel you can claim a reasonable proportion of your motoring costs. I would suggest keeping mileage records (it sounds like you might have) and apportioning business and non business costs. Eg you do 20,000 miles a year and 4,000 of these for business, you have 20% business use so claim £60 of £300 insurance etc. For petrol use (miles ÷ your cars reported fuel consumption mpg )× average price of fuel £/g. claim all your materials stationary etc. as expenses. If you subscribe to any services for business purposes claim those (eg if you bought ms office for powerpoint- but not if you have sky and sometimes watch business related programs). if you get an itemised bill and pay for calls you can claim for phone use, but not if you use inclusive minutes on a personal phone. If you use your home as an office for significant periods and incur costs you might not otherwise, you might be able to claim a bit of expense for "use of home as office" a pound or two a week is probably ok. Any more and you would need good reasons, records and calculations. If you use any kit in your business you can claim 18% of the cost or value as capital allowances. This is 8% for cars (unless emissions are below. these percentages reduce for personal use ( in the car example above, you would be claiming 20% of the 8%, 1.6%. This is on a reducing balance, so in year 2 you claim 18 % of 82% etc. introduce pre existing assets at market value. there is also an annual investment allowance up to £100k where you can expense the whole cost of equipment (not cars) that is entirely for business. if it's not entirely for business get professional advice (or don't bother unless it's worth at least a few hundred- the advice will cost more than the tax saving) see, tax isn't dull almost forgot. if your fees are over £75k you will need to think about registering for VAT 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 1 hour ago, coprolite said: right. You need to notify HMRC that you have a self employment. You need to keep a record of your fee income and expenses you incur in earning it. deduct expenses from income and you pay tax on the profit. If you travel you can claim a reasonable proportion of your motoring costs. I would suggest keeping mileage records (it sounds like you might have) and apportioning business and non business costs. Eg you do 20,000 miles a year and 4,000 of these for business, you have 20% business use so claim £60 of £300 insurance etc. For petrol use (miles ÷ your cars reported fuel consumption mpg )× average price of fuel £/g. claim all your materials stationary etc. as expenses. If you subscribe to any services for business purposes claim those (eg if you bought ms office for powerpoint- but not if you have sky and sometimes watch business related programs). if you get an itemised bill and pay for calls you can claim for phone use, but not if you use inclusive minutes on a personal phone. If you use your home as an office for significant periods and incur costs you might not otherwise, you might be able to claim a bit of expense for "use of home as office" a pound or two a week is probably ok. Any more and you would need good reasons, records and calculations. If you use any kit in your business you can claim 18% of the cost or value as capital allowances. This is 8% for cars (unless emissions are below. these percentages reduce for personal use ( in the car example above, you would be claiming 20% of the 8%, 1.6%. This is on a reducing balance, so in year 2 you claim 18 % of 82% etc. introduce pre existing assets at market value. there is also an annual investment allowance up to £100k where you can expense the whole cost of equipment (not cars) that is entirely for business. if it's not entirely for business get professional advice (or don't bother unless it's worth at least a few hundred- the advice will cost more than the tax saving) see, tax isn't dull All that to deliver pizzas. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 1 hour ago, Boghead ranter said: All that to deliver pizzas. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Quick one. How much did Sevco end up getting off the Chinese for thon Colombian boy? €16.90 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honest_Man#1 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Has anyone tried curing fish at home? Raw/cured fish is possibly my favourite food, but unsure about how safe/easy it would be to do at home. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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