Depression

[scottsdad]

Had some pretty catastrophic news about my dad's health today. Just numb right now and feel a bit sick. 

I imagine I'll be sinking a few drinks tonight. Not the healthiest approach to dealing with news like this, but fucked if I can think of anything better.

[BigBo10]

Had some pretty catastrophic news about my dad's health today. Just numb right now and feel a bit sick. 
I imagine I'll be sinking a few drinks tonight. Not the healthiest approach to dealing with news like this, but fucked if I can think of anything better.

Sorry to hear that. A few beers on the day you get the news isn’t to be worried about. In most cases it would be a likely course of action. You’re obviously aware it’s not a solution to dealing with anything but everyone is allowed an indulgence, especially when they’ve had bad news and will likely have lots to deal with in the near future. PM options are available if you want to vent privately. I hope whatever it is can be dealt with in one way or another.

[V.Aye.R]

On 03/12/2021 at 00:27, V.Aye.R said:

Have been struggling the past few weeks. 

My daughter was born just over a week ago and in Intensive Care currently. She'll be OK but its been an absolute roller-coaster juggling it all. 

Dizzy spells, weight loss, anxiety, tears, nosebleeds etc. 

Got some good news over the past few days on progress and the above symptoms disappeared almost straight away thankfully. 

Just a reminder that things can go from Calm to Crazy without warning. Hope everyone is doing ok out there, I'll come out of this a different guy for sure. 

 

Just a small update from me.

We've had the wee one home for 8 weeks now. All basically normal now, a healthy wee girl. Surgical review was today which was almost a bit of closure on the whole event, was quite emotional which I hadn't expected. 

13 weeks in Neonatal ICU has clearly left a mark on us. Still not a day that goes by that I don't think about that place and all the parents still in there.

Will need to fundraise for them, a marathon or similar. Quite possibly as much for my benefit as theirs, I've still got some headspace I need to clear up. 

[buchan30]

Just a small update from me.
We've had the wee one home for 8 weeks now. All basically normal now, a healthy wee girl. Surgical review was today which was almost a bit of closure on the whole event, was quite emotional which I hadn't expected. 
13 weeks in Neonatal ICU has clearly left a mark on us. Still not a day that goes by that I don't think about that place and all the parents still in there.
Will need to fundraise for them, a marathon or similar. Quite possibly as much for my benefit as theirs, I've still got some headspace I need to clear up. 

Sounds like she’s a wee fighter.

[scottsdad]

9 hours ago, V.Aye.R said:

Just a small update from me.

We've had the wee one home for 8 weeks now. All basically normal now, a healthy wee girl. Surgical review was today which was almost a bit of closure on the whole event, was quite emotional which I hadn't expected. 

13 weeks in Neonatal ICU has clearly left a mark on us. Still not a day that goes by that I don't think about that place and all the parents still in there.

Will need to fundraise for them, a marathon or similar. Quite possibly as much for my benefit as theirs, I've still got some headspace I need to clear up. 

Great news. 

When you do a sponsored marathon or whatever you choose, be sure to post a link to the fundraising page here. 

[Rugster]

9 hours ago, V.Aye.R said:

Just a small update from me.

We've had the wee one home for 8 weeks now. All basically normal now, a healthy wee girl. Surgical review was today which was almost a bit of closure on the whole event, was quite emotional which I hadn't expected. 

13 weeks in Neonatal ICU has clearly left a mark on us. Still not a day that goes by that I don't think about that place and all the parents still in there.

Will need to fundraise for them, a marathon or similar. Quite possibly as much for my benefit as theirs, I've still got some headspace I need to clear up. 

As Scotsdad says please post the link to donate. Our wee man was in SCBU for 10 weeks. They are amazing people. We also did some fundraising afterwards for them. It does leave you incredibly grateful and humble the work they do. Great to hear your wee one is doing well. 

[Ad Lib]

I lost my dad to a brain tumour (at 58) just before Christmas and the last few months have if anything felt progressively harder.

In the immediate aftermath and even up to the funeral, I had a clear role and things to distract myself with (basically all the financial and legal admin).

Then that kind of ran out. Everyone else's lives went back to normal. Except for ours.

My sister, who always had a less complicated relationship with dad, grieves very publicly on social media (I don't want to say performatively, but you know what I mean by that). My mum, with bipolar and all manner of physical health problems, is a bit of a mess at the moment and is up to her eyeballs in painkillers for a hip problem. We know she falls into deep depressions when she's not surrounded by other people and being constantly distracted from being alone.

And I'm stuck down in London distant and powerless to do anything about it all.

In the weeks after the funeral I'd occasionally have teary moments, but having gone back to work I just looked for whatever distractions I could find and to minimise the amount of time I spent alone.

But in recent weeks, I've found myself bursting into streams of tears over the tiniest of things, sobbing uncontrollably. There are so many evenings when my brain wanders into thinking "I'd really like to have a video chat with dad" and then I realise I can't. I'll see a Facebook memory come up of him ripping the piss out of my latest haircut and be disconsolate for an hour. The latest incident was when I saw a Facebook post about the Minister's wife at dad's old church replacing the shed he had built in the Manse back garden with a summer house. Sobbing over a fucking shed in a house we haven't even lived in for 5 years.

I know this is the spell when they say grief can get to its worst and that it eventually passes, but Christ, it's fucking exhausting. I don't really feel any sustained happiness at anything in my life at the moment, just blips of numbness.

Nobody who hasn't been through losing a parent really gets it. So often people try to say a nice thing like that they'd have been proud of you or some such shit like that. But I'd give up 99% of my on paper success in life to have just one more conversation with my dad.

Edited May 4, 2022 by Ad Lib

[scottsdad]

Had a talk with my mum at the weekend. We were visiting and she asked me to help her with a problem with the car. We got outside and she said there was no problem, but wanted to speak to me away from the kids. We sat in her car, in the driveway, and spoke. 

She has spoken to the doctor and dad and was now speaking to me. They have had to come up with a plan for my dad - for his resuscitation. When it comes, and it will be soon, he doesn't want any special measures. No shocks, no ventilators. It wouldn't help and would just hurt him.  The doctor recommends stopping the treatments for his eyes and his skin cancer - there is no point putting him through these treatments. She wanted me to know as the nearest of their children, I'll probably be there at the end to help her. 

Some discussions you just don't want to have. 

I had resigned myself to what was happening with him a week or two ago. I had a very rough time about 2 weeks ago (I was snapping at the wife and kids but managed to recognise what the issue was and stop) but I am settled to it now. I think it has just hit mum. They have been married 52 years now. Horrible to see her like that. 

[Stellaboz]

It's tough being the one everyone sees as their rock so to speak, can't imagine how much more so with kids of your own.

All i can say is that if you need to talk to someone as well, you should. Even Even it's just to vent, clear your head or have someone simply listen. 

[scottsdad]

15 hours ago, Stellaboz said:

It's tough being the one everyone sees as their rock so to speak, can't imagine how much more so with kids of your own.

All i can say is that if you need to talk to someone as well, you should. Even Even it's just to vent, clear your head or have someone simply listen. 

All I will say here is thank god for my wife. I talk to her about all this and she knows exactly when to console me, when to tell me to get a grip, and when to cheer me up. This would be near impossible without her. 

And the good people here, who have offered help and support. Much as a few threads here can be fun, or infuriating, this place is a gem. 

[AJF]

I am separating from my partner after 11 years together. Things ended amicably and we still have a lot of love for each other.

We have accepted an offer on our home which I currently live in alone. As we go through the process of removing/selling furniture, each night I come back to an emptier shell of a house. I've never suffered from depression, and I don't believe I currently am either, but I can feel myself growing wearier.

She was my first and only real meaningful relationship so I am new to this whole break-up malarkey. Alcohol has become more prominent in my life.

I feel I am responsible enough to recognise signs of needing to speak about this. I've got a great group of friends and family, but it feels a little less daunting expressing this here than to them.

[Dons_1988]

14 hours ago, AJF said:

I am separating from my partner after 11 years together. Things ended amicably and we still have a lot of love for each other.

We have accepted an offer on our home which I currently live in alone. As we go through the process of removing/selling furniture, each night I come back to an emptier shell of a house. I've never suffered from depression, and I don't believe I currently am either, but I can feel myself growing wearier.

She was my first and only real meaningful relationship so I am new to this whole break-up malarkey. Alcohol has become more prominent in my life.

I feel I am responsible enough to recognise signs of needing to speak about this. I've got a great group of friends and family, but it feels a little less daunting expressing this here than to them.

This all sounds pretty normal for going through a significant moment in your life. Don’t get me wrong, very difficult but I just mean I don’t read your post and worry about you. Just keep an eye on how long it all lasts and if the drinking gets worse. 

Long term break ups are tough, I had one over 10 years ago now but I went about 3 months living out of a bag bouncing around friends houses and in her spare room while I found a place of my own (this was down south where I didn’t have family). It’s a really horrible time but ultimately you’ll get past it and realise it was the best thing for you.

[Venti]

15 hours ago, AJF said:

I am separating from my partner after 11 years together. Things ended amicably and we still have a lot of love for each other.

We have accepted an offer on our home which I currently live in alone. As we go through the process of removing/selling furniture, each night I come back to an emptier shell of a house. I've never suffered from depression, and I don't believe I currently am either, but I can feel myself growing wearier.

She was my first and only real meaningful relationship so I am new to this whole break-up malarkey. Alcohol has become more prominent in my life.

I feel I am responsible enough to recognise signs of needing to speak about this. I've got a great group of friends and family, but it feels a little less daunting expressing this here than to them.

Not the best idea to get wired into the drink.

Went through a long term break-up & ended up off the rails.

DM me if you want mate.

[AJF]

1 hour ago, Dons_1988 said:

This all sounds pretty normal for going through a significant moment in your life. Don’t get me wrong, very difficult but I just mean I don’t read your post and worry about you. Just keep an eye on how long it all lasts and if the drinking gets worse. 

Long term break ups are tough, I had one over 10 years ago now but I went about 3 months living out of a bag bouncing around friends houses and in her spare room while I found a place of my own (this was down south where I didn’t have family). It’s a really horrible time but ultimately you’ll get past it and realise it was the best thing for you.

 

1 hour ago, Venti said:

Not the best idea to get wired into the drink.

Went through a long term break-up & ended up off the rails.

DM me if you want mate.

Cheers gents, it's appreciated.

Like I said, I don't feel as though I am in a place where I should be worried, I just feel myself being worn down a bit and felt it might help putting thoughts into words and this seemed as good a place as any!

[energyzone]

Cheers gents, it's appreciated.
Like I said, I don't feel as though I am in a place where I should be worried, I just feel myself being worn down a bit and felt it might help putting thoughts into words and this seemed as good a place as any!

I guess the best advice I can give is keep busy. With exercise preferably. But find a hobby, keep yourself from dwelling on it too much. But you'll always find a friendly ear in this thread and you'll be absolutely fine in time. Post as much as you feel helps [emoji106]

[BigBo10]

Cheers gents, it's appreciated.
Like I said, I don't feel as though I am in a place where I should be worried, I just feel myself being worn down a bit and felt it might help putting thoughts into words and this seemed as good a place as any!

I was splitting from my ex about the time your relationship started. We’d been together for almost 20 years. Met at uni. It was hard. I bought her half of the house but she took what we agreed was hers to take. House was empty so I know what you mean. It’s hard at the start but of you know it’s finished don’t dwell on it. I did and a few years passed me by without realising I was stuck. I’m not for a minute saying you’ll open your eyes the day after you sell the house and all will be great just that don’t look at what others think or reflect on a failed relationship. The road ahead will be bumpy but there’s always a good place to get to if you keep moving forward. PM anytime.

[RH33]

7 hours ago, AJF said:

 

Cheers gents, it's appreciated.

Like I said, I don't feel as though I am in a place where I should be worried, I just feel myself being worn down a bit and felt it might help putting thoughts into words and this seemed as good a place as any!

My marriage ended nearly seven years ago. It was mutual agreement in end, but still sad.

Give it time.

[Bairnardo]

Sort of half mentioned this in a other thread but I think I need to acknowledge it in the safety of this thread even if it's maybe not technically on topic....

The wife's got a biopsy to get soon... Like fast tracked deal, and I am absolutely fucking terrified. The dark places my mind is going to at the moment are terrifying.

Now, I am keeping it together and thinking positively for the most part obviously for the benefit of the Mrs, who IMO is hearing too much negativity from other people. She's telling me of her folks being up all night crying etc. And I keep saying to her, let's wait until we even know if there's a problem. Remember that right now, all we know is that the doctor wants something checked. And that's it. And even if it's bad, let's remember how treatable the big C is these days.

But between imagining how scared she must be, and in the darker moments picturing me and our daughters without her..... I'm actively having to try and shut it out because even though I do genuinely think (with no real basis btw) that it's all going to be OK, our lives could just as easily be ripped to shreds in a few weeks time.

Cancer has taken enough from me and my family already, but if this goes the wrong way it would end me.

Helpless and absolutely shiting it....

[scottsdad]

2 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Sort of half mentioned this in a other thread but I think I need to acknowledge it in the safety of this thread even if it's maybe not technically on topic....

The wife's got a biopsy to get soon... Like fast tracked deal, and I am absolutely fucking terrified. The dark places my mind is going to at the moment are terrifying.

Now, I am keeping it together and thinking positively for the most part obviously for the benefit of the Mrs, who IMO is hearing too much negativity from other people. She's telling me of her folks being up all night crying etc. And I keep saying to her, let's wait until we even know if there's a problem. Remember that right now, all we know is that the doctor wants something checked. And that's it. And even if it's bad, let's remember how treatable the big C is these days.

But between imagining how scared she must be, and in the darker moments picturing me and our daughters without her..... I'm actively having to try and shut it out because even though I do genuinely think (with no real basis btw) that it's all going to be OK, our lives could just as easily be ripped to shreds in a few weeks time.

Cancer has taken enough from me and my family already, but if this goes the wrong way it would end me.

Helpless and absolutely shiting it....

Best wishes to you and your wife.  This must be bloody awful. 

[SweeperDee]

7 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Sort of half mentioned this in a other thread but I think I need to acknowledge it in the safety of this thread even if it's maybe not technically on topic....

The wife's got a biopsy to get soon... Like fast tracked deal, and I am absolutely fucking terrified. The dark places my mind is going to at the moment are terrifying.

Now, I am keeping it together and thinking positively for the most part obviously for the benefit of the Mrs, who IMO is hearing too much negativity from other people. She's telling me of her folks being up all night crying etc. And I keep saying to her, let's wait until we even know if there's a problem. Remember that right now, all we know is that the doctor wants something checked. And that's it. And even if it's bad, let's remember how treatable the big C is these days.

But between imagining how scared she must be, and in the darker moments picturing me and our daughters without her..... I'm actively having to try and shut it out because even though I do genuinely think (with no real basis btw) that it's all going to be OK, our lives could just as easily be ripped to shreds in a few weeks time.

Cancer has taken enough from me and my family already, but if this goes the wrong way it would end me.

Helpless and absolutely shiting it....

Never forget that the love you have for your Mrs, and the love she has for you is more important than anything anyone else chimes in with. You are obviously doing this, but just be there for her, regardless of the outcome of the biopsy. Spend as much time as possible with her, and your daughters; do your best to keep her mind off of the results (very easy to say, hard to achieve obviously). Always bear in mind that you need support yourself; you can't support people when you are running on empty. Reach out to your pals, other family members, various support lines like Samaritans if you need to help yourself. It is not selfish to ask for help even considering the situation your Mrs is in; she wouldn't want you torturing yourself. 

Also, you are far from helpless; it takes an incredibly strong person to take stock of such a situation and bear yourself to strangers on this site. You've done something very few people do, just remember there will always be people to help you. 

Edited May 15, 2022 by SweeperDee