False Things You've Passed Off As Fact

[Bert Raccoon]

Managed to persuade a few people that Bobby Gillespie from Primal Scream was my second cousin as my grandmother's maiden name was Gillespie.

[Gaviliunas]

I managed to convince someone that Atlantis had finally been found and that there was fish men who could breathe under water living there.

[grumswall]

Managed to convince a girl at work today if you eat popcorn seeds before theyve popped they do it in your stomach.

[Dindeleux]

I was down the river Ayr a walk one evening, a few years ago, and I stopped at a well known swimming spot at Auchincruive.(The Breakers Pool) I was sat having a smoke when a load of neds arrived, carry outs, trunks, towels and firewood in hands. It wasn't the warmest of days and so they had plans to build a fire to warm them up when they came out the river. One asked me:

"You for a swim mister?"

Oh aye, but not until 6pm I said.

"Why 6 o'clock?"

That's when the warm water comes doon pal.

"Whit d'ye mean?"

Well, do you know the whisky place up at Catrine?

"Aye"

Well, at 5 o'clock they shut for the day and release all the hot water they have used. Gets here at 6pm

"Does it?"

Oh feck aye. It gets doon here about 6 ish. Nice and warm pal.

I could see the young guy explaining this fascinating info to his mates who were further away towards the river and who wouldn't have heard me for the sound of the rapids that gush into the pool. I sat around, had another smoke and witnessed the young team testing the water and what was obviously the soon to be swimmers asking their mates what the time was.

I had a chuckle to myself and started off again, heading home. I got no further than 50 yards when I heard a roar,

"Haw mister, it's ten past six and the watter is still cauld."

I was in knots. I asked the young yin 'whit day is it'?

"It's wednesday mister."

I shouted back "It's a half day for the whisky bond on a wednesday, the hot water would have went doon by at 3 o'clock."

I turned and walked away, stomach sore with holding my laughter in. Glancing back I could see the wannabe swimmers getting dressed again. (I wonder if any of them still think this is true)

EDIT Shit gramer.

Superb

ETA - Same girlfriend who I mentioned earlier works in the same place as me. An Ayr fan in her area (posts on here) must've told her that Ayr were the best team in the world at some stage.

Here is how I found this out.

Me: I hate Ayr

Missus: Why?

Me: They are scum, and a crap team.

Her: They are a crap team?

Me: Yeh, WFAANW!!

Her: I thought they'd won the European Cup 5 times?

Me: WTF!!!!!

Her: Stuart said.................

[tamthebam]

I once convinced a fellow student that I had a Swiss Navy Knife.

"aye, it's like a Swiss Army knife but instead of being red, it's actually navy blue and it's got a needle attachment for sewing sails"

[energyzone]

At work a few years ago I was in a small team consisting of myself, a couple of girls and a few more guys. There was also this young guy who had recently joined and was a bit of a party animal, going out most nights in Glasgow. We suspected he was quite sexually inexperienced and on a Monday would interrogate him about his activities, to which he would come up with a range of ludicrous and obviously contrived scenarios.

To test him, myself and another guy had a conversation which was loud enough for him to overhear, during which one of us stated

"I was pumping this burd the other night and she only had one clit!"

and I replied

"Where was her other one?"

We then asked him if he'd ever come across such an abnormality, to which he replied, blushing, that all his conquests had had two clits and expressing his disgust at the fictional lady's lack of dual sexual organ.

I have no idea if he still believes women have two clits.

We also invented a fictional team member who we named Pauline Fowler. We informed him she was extremely attractive and single and he became really excited. When he came into the office we'd tell him that he had just missed her and that she had just popped out etc. We labelled some drawers with her name to make it look as though she had moved in and got others to make phone calls looking for her and send her some internal mail.

This lasted for weeks before he twigged.

[paul]

Iuhu

[welshbairn]

You could neutralise the rise in sea levels caused by climate change by killing all the whales and dolphins.

[Archie]

I once told the wife that I had to look after a pal on a friday night cause he had been to the dentist, and although his teeth were ok , his gums had to come out.

[Dee Man]

I recently posted on the Dundee v Falkirk thread that we played the last ever game at Brockville. Turns out that it was a lot of shite and I've been lying to myself all these years.

[Newbornbairn]

I think you should leave the country immediately in shame.

[throbber]

Skidmarks is from the ferry.