IainMorton Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Just had the police at my door to tell me my two dogs have been chasing people on bikes. What a load of shite, my dogs don’t have bikes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition F**k knows where I came 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AberdeenHibee Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 (edited) What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? You wouldn't pay to have a Lentil on your face. Edited December 23, 2018 by AberdeenHibee 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viewparker Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Guy standing on one leg at an ATM outside the bank looking a bit agitated. Asked him if he was ok. Said he was just checking his balance. -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 37 minutes ago, AberdeenHibee said: What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? You wouldn't pay to have a Lentil on your face. Would have given a greenie for that but I just know I'm going to tell that joke in an utterly inappropriate situation. Extended family up for Christmas and most of them are vegetarians. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast- fed or bottle- fed?"Breast- fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination.Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.""I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 Man went to the doctor, who told him to face the window and stick his tongue out. "Will that help you diagnose what's wrong with me?" the man asked. "No," said the doctor, "but I can't stand the guy across the road." 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 Hoping my neighbour's girlfriend gets back from Ukraine before the 25th. No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas... 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silvio Tattiescone Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 https://9gag.com/gag/aWYYMV4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 Spent most of last night defrosting the fridge Or foreplay as she likes to call it 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 Which is the odd one out - a fridge, a washing machine, a microwave and a woman? The microwave, because the others drip when they're fucked. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPhone Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 (edited) My motto is: Life is like a box of chocolates... It doesn’t last long if your fat... Edited December 25, 2018 by iPhone 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The DA Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 On 24/12/2018 at 10:08, GordonD said: Man went to the doctor, who told him to face the window and stick his tongue out. "Will that help you diagnose what's wrong with me?" the man asked. "No," said the doctor, "but I can't stand the guy across the road." Welcome back, Chick. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPhone Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 The wife got a new pair of knickers for her Christmas. On the front they say, I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE! And on the back the say, BUT I WONT DO THAT! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPhone Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 The first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper, she had massive gloves on... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out. I love my aunt Bessie. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 I call my wife 'My little treasure'. Everywhere we go, people ask me, "Where did you dig her up?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 "My wife's an angel." "You're lucky, mine is still living." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 2 hours ago, GordonD said: I call my wife 'My little treasure'. Everywhere we go, people ask me, "Where did you dig her up?" Necrophilia's dead boring... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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