Granny Danger Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 14 minutes ago, IainMorton said: How do you invite a dinosaur to tea? Tea, Rex? FTFY 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 How do you invite a dinosaur to lunch? Tea, Lex?ftfy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Guy goes into a cafe and looks at the menu board: cheese roll £1.50 ham roll £2.00 a w**k £20. The waitress comes over and he notices that she is pretty stunning with huge paps. He asks her “do you do the wanks?”. ”yes” she replies. ”Well away and wash your hands, I want two cheese rolls”. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 I said to the baker how come all your cakes are 50p and that ones a pound, he replied "thats madeira cake" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 I met my one-armed mate and asked where he was going. He said he was away to change a light bulb. I said how the f**k are you going to manage that? He said, I’ve still got the receipt you dozy c**t! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying A passerby asks “ what’s up ?” The old man moans “ Im 93 married to a 23 year old Swedish swim wear model who wants sex twice before breakfast , once again at lunch , once before tea and sucks me off just before bedtime “ Passerby says “ what’s your problem ?” The old man says “ I can’t f**king remember where I live !! “ 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 The pope visits a young offenders institute. A young lad looks distressed, so the pope asks if he can help. "yes" says the lad. "I need help with my hearing". The pope starts rubbing the lad's ears, and kisses them. The pope asks if that helped. The lad replies "it was ok, but my hearing isn't till Tuesday" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer I said “ looking for cheap flights” At that she got very excited , said “I love you” and dropped to her knees and gave me the best blow job ive ever had This surprised me as she’s never been interested in darts before 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeVanTeeth Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 My wife was looking at herself naked in the mirror last night and said to me, 'I look old, fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment.' So I did. 'Your eyesight is fucking spot on.' 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg Saturday: Ian Sunday: Greg Gregorian Calendar. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 "What do you do for a living?" "I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band." "I find that hard to believe." "Well I am." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Little Billy's dad got a letter from the school asking him to come in and see the headmaster. When he arrived the head said to him, "It's somewhat delicate, but when the children were asked to write an essay on what their fathers did for a living, Billy said that you were in prison for child molesting. Obviously we were very dubious, but for the safety of the children we had to make sure it wasn't true, and to find out why he would say such a thing." Billy's dad said, "I have no idea - it's not even remotely true. I have a highly paid job - I'm the Press Officer at Ibrox!" The headmaster said, "Ah, that explains everything! Clearly Billy was too embarrassed to admit that!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sugna Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 On 11/27/2018 at 22:51, LincolnHearts said: Monday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Tuesday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Wednesday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Thursday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Friday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Saturday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Sunday: Any cricketing Chappell brother except Trevor Gregorian Calendar. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 What do you call a crocodile that works in a police station. An investigator. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said 'Don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure.' I said, 'I haven't got an erection.' She said, 'No, but I have.' 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Gay guy walks into a butchers shop - Gay guy - can i have a mince round, please? Butcher - aye ok, just don’t touch anything. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 35 minutes ago, GordonD said: Little Billy's dad got a letter from the school asking him to come in and see the headmaster. When he arrived the head said to him, "It's somewhat delicate, but when the children were asked to write an essay on what their fathers did for a living, Billy said that you were in prison for child molesting. Obviously we were very dubious, but for the safety of the children we had to make sure it wasn't true, and to find out why he would say such a thing." Billy's dad said, "I have no idea - it's not even remotely true. I have a highly paid job - I'm the Press Officer at Ibrox!" The headmaster said, "Ah, that explains everything! Clearly Billy was too embarrassed to admit that!" Oh, mate... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJ2 Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 I hope Cromma doesn’t see this thread, he’ll go mental. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 My Scouse neighbour has just came home with a trampoline and a couple of kids bikes he'd got off the internet for their Christmas. 'Kids will be over the moon, what site did you get them from?' I asked. 'Google Earth' he replied. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 A Wig is found on St Vincents street. Police have warned the public not to approach as it's aff its heid 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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