Top Tips

[Black and White Tragic]

In the vein of the Viz column by the same name, let's hear your best. Original is better, but if you can remember good ones which stuck in your head, then go for it.

For those too wet behind the ears, they are things like "Save money on your car insurance by selling your car and have your mates taxi you everywhere". That is obviously an example of a poor one as I don't want to set the bar too high! Some folk probably will use or have used that one anyway.

[philpy]

Save money on pet food by burning the fuckers alive.

[Redhead81]

One I can remember from Viz from years ago was "make your own Brillo pads by putting a bar of soap inside a shredded wheat"

[bob the tank]

Save money on pet food by burning the fuckers alive.

Crispy Pets thread for this pish

[WhiteRoseKillie]

Save money on vibrators by filling cigar tubes with angry wasps.

If your child is choking on an ice cube, clear the blockage by putting boiling water down their throat.

[Black and White Tragic]

I just remembered a good one.

Hiring? Avoid unlucky candidates by binning half of the job applications at random.

[Albino Rover]

Forum users: save time starting your own threads about popular subjects by using the P&B search function for existing ones.

[Dindeleux]

If you want to win a game against Morton remember their players can be easily bribed.

[Black and White Tragic]

Forum users: save time starting your own threads about popular subjects by using the P&B search function for existing ones.

I did do a search, but the p&b Apple app search facility came up with two results, neither were that thread!

[Sergeant Wilson]

Avoid women's shite patter by having your Mum procure vulnerable girls and hold them until you can be arsed turning up to impose your perverted will on them.

Then discard.

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

[Tom Rogic]

Convince neighbours you are a serial killer by erecting a tent and digging holes in your back garden at 3.00 a.m

[tamthebam]

Convince neighbours you are a Tory MP by playing a sound effect of a whip cracking and moaning occasionally.

[BFTD]

[Unleash The Nade]

Save money on expensive adress books, by simply scoring out the names and addresses on a telephone directory of all the people you don't know

 

Hate washing the dishes?,,,, At kiddies bath time, give them the dirty crockery and cutlery to play with in the soapy water for squeaky clean results

 

Do you have trouble locating your car in busy car parks?, next time before leaving, let the air out of all your tyres. When your return, your car is easily identifiable as the one sitting 4 inches lower than al the others.

 

Cant afford expensive beach holidays? . Turn your central heating up full and insert sandpaper insoles inside your slippers for that authentic walking on sand in the sunshine  feeling  

[Bobby Skidmarks]

Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the objects you wish to view.

[KnightswoodBear]

So rather than "in the vein of the Viz column" we're just posting actual Top Tips from the Viz column?

[KnightswoodBear]

That's a shite top tip, mate. Got any better ones?

Before commenting on the wid or widnotness of a female, make sure she isn't 15.

Better?

[gavin_3110]

Hate washing the dishes?,,,, At kiddies bath time, give them the dirty crockery and cutlery to play with in the soapy water for squeaky clean results

Works even better if at least one of them is epileptic and you stick a strobe light in the room.

[Bobby Skidmarks]

Much, thanks.

But too fucking late.

Feeling the cold but too miserly to put on the heating?

Travel back in time to the 70s and pick up a few electric blankets.