thistledo Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 On 09/07/2021 at 15:48, Miguel Sanchez said: The fantasist in my work snogged Amy Winehouse and was bffs with Bruce Springsteen when he used to work security. I'm sure he's been to the beach with Channing Tatum as well. He owns property in America where he keeps a racing car he was given as a gift, along with the shotgun he has that has a range of two miles. He can speak Danish and Korean. He knows how to do every job/task in the place, yet he's absolutely useless at all of them. He's like a human version of Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons. I remember the first day I met him. Another guy gave me the invaluable advice: "Here, don't listen to a word he says. If he starts trying to tell you a story, tell him to f**k off." I find ex security workers to be some of the biggest bollocks talkers of them all. A friend who's, more or less, step dad is probably the biggest fantasist I or my friend have ever encountered. He started taking notes on his phone one day and now just keeps updating it as a sort of 'bullshit log' unfortunately I don't have the log, but I have some highlights such as: He claims he was the Queens personal security at one point. Was pals with Sean Connery who loaned him the actual DB5 from Goldfinger I believe. He's travelled to every country in the world. Sometimes you get more mundane stuff like he lived in a capsized boat eating cold beans for weeks. Why I don't know. I think he's a lorry driver now, but honestly he gives me the fear. My mates worked out, somewhat unsurprisingly, that there is a certain level of contradiction if you query the timelines, but it doesn't seem to put him off his stride at all. There's also the question of, how dumb does he think everyone around him is? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 On 09/07/2021 at 15:48, Miguel Sanchez said: The fantasist in my work snogged Amy Winehouse and was bffs with Bruce Springsteen when he used to work security. I'm sure he's been to the beach with Channing Tatum as well. He owns property in America where he keeps a racing car he was given as a gift, along with the shotgun he has that has a range of two miles. He can speak Danish and Korean. He knows how to do every job/task in the place, yet he's absolutely useless at all of them. He's like a human version of Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons. I remember the first day I met him. Another guy gave me the invaluable advice: "Here, don't listen to a word he says. If he starts trying to tell you a story, tell him to f**k off." Yeah, we had one of them. I remember he'd been going on for a while about going to see Madonna at Wembley...he apparently was on the guest list because they were besties. Somebody made the mistake of asking him how it went, and he said he never made it because he ran into a car full of supermodels at a motorway services in Exeter (completely on the road to London obviously) who convinced him to miss the gig in order to take part in a two day coke fuelled orgy. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 minute ago, Hillonearth said: Yeah, we had one of them. I remember he'd been going on for a while about going to see Madonna at Wembley...he apparently was on the guest list because they were besties. Somebody made the mistake of asking him how it went, and he said he never made it because he ran into a car full of supermodels at a motorway services in Exeter (completely on the road to London obviously) who convinced him to miss the gig in order to take part in a two day coke fuelled orgy. At least he made the right choice. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 minute ago, welshbairn said: At least he made the right choice. 100% - Madonna's shite, but obviously HE couldn't tell her that because it would have totally ruined their friendship. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trainspotter Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 56 minutes ago, thistledo said: I find ex security workers to be some of the biggest bollocks talkers of them all. A friend who's, more or less, step dad is probably the biggest fantasist I or my friend have ever encountered. He started taking notes on his phone one day and now just keeps updating it as a sort of 'bullshit log' unfortunately I don't have the log, but I have some highlights such as: He claims he was the Queens personal security at one point. Was pals with Sean Connery who loaned him the actual DB5 from Goldfinger I believe. He's travelled to every country in the world. Sometimes you get more mundane stuff like he lived in a capsized boat eating cold beans for weeks. Why I don't know. I think he's a lorry driver now, but honestly he gives me the fear. My mates worked out, somewhat unsurprisingly, that there is a certain level of contradiction if you query the timelines, but it doesn't seem to put him off his stride at all. There's also the question of, how dumb does he think everyone around him is? His name isn't Tony by any chance? Sailor Tony Bullimore rescued from his capsized boat - BBC News 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEADOWXI Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 When someone uses a word and it keeps getting used and you start to think it is a real word but know it isn't. Yesterday in Teams meeting with colleague and they say they will ned to check how much time they have for their work. They use the same word in a later group meting. In another meeting later someone else used the 'word'. They said ' I'll need to check my capacability'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 3 minutes ago, MEADOWXI said: When someone uses a word and it keeps getting used and you start to think it is a real word but know it isn't. Yesterday in Teams meeting with colleague and they say they will ned to check how much time they have for their work. They use the same word in a later group meting. In another meeting later someone else used the 'word'. They said ' I'll need to check my capacability'. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheScarf Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Is that meant to be a portmanteau of capability and availability? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Capability and capacity? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Capability and capacity?Capabacity 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 A few more here... slothendipity, n. to achieve a fortunate result due to procrastication. https://literaryashland.org/?p=2989 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snobot Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Some absolute melt of a senior manager coined (sorry, made up) the word “satisfising” a few years back when we were in the absolute grip of management speak wankery. Satisying the whilst sufficing I believe. No, Geoff from head office, you are not the Chief Editor of the Oxford English Dictionary; you are in fact a c*nt. Hanging is too good for these people. Scum. Sub-human scum. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genuine Hibs Fan Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Folk who don't have the basic WFH politeness of pinging someone on teams to make sure they're free/know what you want to talk about before phoning them out the blue, so they spend two minutes on the phone with you wittering on about some minor change to a document while they try to load up the document to have a clue what you're talking about, should be a sackable offense 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 It's either a very small world or Bruce Springsteen is the holy grail of security gigs, I was on a training course with a wee baldy guy that claimed to have worked security for the Boss too. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
microdave Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 I once worked with a guy who was on a temp contract but was given notice for being shite at the job. He didn't tell us that was the reason for his departure though. He claimed that he'd been offered a job in Abu Dhabi and had a penthouse apartment waiting for him to move in to. I don't know why he went ott instead of just saying he had a job in another office elsewhere in Glasgow because he was fooling nobody. Another time I had an interview for a Sky call centre and was waiting with around 10 others to be called. One guy (mid 40's) was giving it big licks about having many irons on the fire and how this wasn't his only opportunity. I could only think that you're trying to get a minimum wage job in a shitey call centre. Nobody is headhunting you. I'm here because I'm desperate, not for some magical career opportunity. Another guy (late teens) was showing everyone his screensaver which was a pic of an absolute wid modelling bikinis and saying "That's my burd." When he showed me, I said something along the lines of "Lucky you" while trying to be as bland as possible. he followed up by trying to tell me that she was an absolute nymph by the way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thistledo Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 20 hours ago, trainspotter said: His name isn't Tony by any chance? Sailor Tony Bullimore rescued from his capsized boat - BBC News No, but I'm convinced he either reads or hears the genuine stories like this and thinks, yes this is what I did as well now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave258 Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 Former employee announced that he wouldn't be at work the following day because he'd had "a vision" and the world was going to end the the following month. So he didn't see the point in spending his last days on earth at work rather than enjoying himself. Accepted the nutjob's resignation in a heartbeat & declined to give him his old job back when he called 6 weeks later, with the world having surprisingly not ended as per his schedule. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trainspotter Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 5 hours ago, thistledo said: No, but I'm convinced he either reads or hears the genuine stories like this and thinks, yes this is what I did as well now. Have to say this crossed my mind when I was posting. There will be some condition including the word ‘proxy’. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 2 hours ago, dave258 said: Former employee announced that he wouldn't be at work the following day because he'd had "a vision" and the world was going to end the the following month. So he didn't see the point in spending his last days on earth at work rather than enjoying himself. Accepted the nutjob's resignation in a heartbeat & declined to give him his old job back when he called 6 weeks later, with the world having surprisingly not ended as per his schedule. Did you used to run GMTV? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted July 15, 2021 Share Posted July 15, 2021 11 hours ago, Snobot said: Some absolute melt of a senior manager coined (sorry, made up) the word “satisfising” a few years back when we were in the absolute grip of management speak wankery. Satisying the whilst sufficing I believe. No, Geoff from head office, you are not the Chief Editor of the Oxford English Dictionary; you are in fact a c*nt. Hanging is too good for these people. Scum. Sub-human scum. Satisfising sounds like something Popeye would say "This spinach is very satisfising, yuk yuk yuk" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.