Family estrangement

[Boo Khaki]

9 minutes ago, effeffsee_the2nd said:

, just 4 folk being forced to spend a day together, nae big deal really 

Funnily enough, I can't stand Christmas either and don't really acknowledge it. I thought to myself about the relatives that I'm still civil with 'If they weren't relatives, would I have them as friends?', and in every case I realised the answer was no. I have nothing in common with them. No shared interests, nothing much to speak about, no emotional ties. So in reality, there was absolutely no reason for me to try to keep a relationship going with them anyway. 

I've seen 'close' families at first hand. My ex's were really tight knit. I asked her more than once why they all felt that was important, and she replied along the lines of it being nice knowing that there were people she could count on 100% of the time to have her back. I suppose that must be comforting, but since I never had it with mine I've always been a totally self-sufficient adult and engineered my life to not be in any way dependent on others. Besides, I do have a few good pals that I know I can depend on if push ever comes to shove, so yet again, I'm left wondering what the fucking point of going through all the pretence with a bunch of people you can barely thole is, just because you have some shared DNA?

Edited July 12, 2023 by Boo Khaki

[supermik]

Always thought that I had a chance, looks like she’s gone from my life forever now

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12292775/Gladiators-icon-Jet-53-reveals-marrying-woman-met-SUPERMARKET.html

[diegomarahenry]

I haven't spoken to my sister in 6 months. We didn't fall out, she is just a vapid, boring arsehole who sucks the life out of every room.

My great uncle emigrated to South Africa at 20, he came back to Scotland for the first time 50 years later and we had a dinner for him. My gran left after 20 minutes telling him that he wasn't her brother. He was supposed to stay with my family for 3 weeks and was moved on to a cousin after a couple of days and spent the last week in a hotel on his own. 

He was very much the embodiment of the spitting image song.  

[scottsdad]

10 minutes ago, supermik said:

Always thought that I had a chance, looks like she’s gone from my life forever now

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12292775/Gladiators-icon-Jet-53-reveals-marrying-woman-met-SUPERMARKET.html

[parsforlife]

No great dramas baring a breakdown  between ‘uncle’ and the rest of the family well before I was born that was never fully explained but if we expand this into overall family relationships I feel my family can’t be far off normal but still feels along way off of what is perceived as normal.   

It’s easily single figures a year how often I talk to my siblings and the make extended family I don’t think I’ll speak to any of them directly for maybe 5-6 years + until we have a get together and could almost be a conference in ‘how are you,  what do you do’ type conversations.  I don’t feel bad about this at all but it just seems really weird against the juxtaposition I hear elsewhere about bumping into an uncle up town, taking the kids to their gran round the corner the cousins coming round for an afternoon before waking 100 yards home every few weeks . I just can’t imagine life so much in each others pockets

[Boo Khaki]

Totally alien to me anaw. If you'd suggested to me to randomly knock on a relative's door, I'd have expected a 'hello, is there something wrong?' answer and to be left stood on the doorstep. Would never occur to me that someone might just invite you in on the basis is was nice to see you out of the blue. That never happened, whereas I can recall at least one instance of the former. I wanted to see them, was passing, saw they were sat at home apparently doing not very much at all, yet the response I got at the door was very much a 'what are you wanting?' one. Not what I expected at the time because we'd formerly been very close.

Possibly why I totally ignore knocks at the front door if I'm not expecting anyone, and I don't answer the phone if it's not an already known number.

[++Ammo - Airdrie++]

I'll dive in.

20 years past in February there was the last time I spoke to my maw.

She sold the house, fucked off with a new man and lives in Montrose now, so at 17 I was literally just left.

Funnily enough when there was grandchildren involved (2008) there was an attempt made from her to reach out, obviously to play the loving grandmother. I can say for absolute certainty I will never speak to that woman again and I certainly wouldn't bat an eyelid if I got the phonecall telling me she was dead.

[throbber]

2 hours ago, ++Ammo - Airdrie++ said:

I'll dive in.

20 years past in February there was the last time I spoke to my maw.

She sold the house, fucked off with a new man and lives in Montrose now, so at 17 I was literally just left.

Funnily enough when there was grandchildren involved (2008) there was an attempt made from her to reach out, obviously to play the loving grandmother. I can say for absolute certainty I will never speak to that woman again and I certainly wouldn't bat an eyelid if I got the phonecall telling me she was dead.

You hear about the dad doing that a lot (sometimes he’s forced one way or another) but the mother always seems worse. I remember a friend of mine who’s mother was 16 when he was born just walked out him and his 2 brothers when there ages were 4-13 to restart her life again before she turned 30. She did similar in recent times and tried to build a bond but it didn’t get very far.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

I fucking wish.

[ICTChris]

Saw this article about this subject 

https://www.economist.com/united-states/2021/05/20/how-many-american-children-have-cut-contact-with-their-parents?

 

[++Ammo - Airdrie++]

On 13/07/2023 at 08:11, ++Ammo - Airdrie++ said:

I'll dive in.

20 years past in February there was the last time I spoke to my maw.

She sold the house, fucked off with a new man and lives in Montrose now, so at 17 I was literally just left.

Funnily enough when there was grandchildren involved (2008) there was an attempt made from her to reach out, obviously to play the loving grandmother. I can say for absolute certainty I will never speak to that woman again and I certainly wouldn't bat an eyelid if I got the phonecall telling me she was dead.

Saw this thread unread, thought, oh I'll have a bit of that. Turns out I already did last year.'

I've still no spoke to her btw just incase ye wondered.

[gav-ffc]

Missed this thread originally but happy to contribute now. I have no contact with my youngest half sister which I have come to terms with and after doing some counselling last year/finished early this year happy to tell a bit of a story.

I have 2 half sisters from my dad one who’s 5 years younger and the other is 7 year younger, I used to go through to theirs on a weekend (Cumbernauld to EK) had a really good bond with my youngest sister when I was through there and the oldest we fought like brother and sister do but never an issue.

One day my dad fucked off and left them a letter saying he needed space etc etc, he had told me a few days before hand he was going away for work be back soon blah blah blah. I came home from youth club on a Friday night (2004) so no mobile to a crying step mum on the phone and obviously being 13 I was rather naive and said yeah I knew he was going away he told me last Sunday. This led to me not seeing my sisters again until 2010.

2015 my daughter was born and both sisters came to the hospital and we all kept in contact but after a year or so I noticed the youngest was never there when we visited or didn’t come when they visited.  I spoke to the oldest about it and she said that she wasn’t sure what the problem was/is. 
 

Step mum said that she doesn’t trust men after what happened back in 2004 and after a number of years I’ve came to accept that the relationship will never be what it is with the oldest who’s the best auntie to my daughter and always been there for her.

A few months ago this would have been brutal to write but In a totally better space to do so.

Edit to add I’ve seen my dad twice since he left in 2004, 2 separate occasions in 2014 and he ditched me again but his loss.

Edited April 30 by gav-ffc

[Peil]

Fell out with my brother in the early 2000's. 
I was still living in my parents house, he'd moved in with a lassie in Auchinleck, and every now and then he'd come down, let himself in and dip whatever money i'd lying about.
Had a word a few times about if he needed help to ask first, but to no avail. Finally told him to get tae when Iw as in teh kitchen one day and him and his burd were in the living room, and she was asking him to ask me for money for fags "he's working, ask him"

I moved to Clydebank, neither of us spoke much, at most I'd get a text the night before Mothers day asking if i'd stick his name on a card  - always seemed to be permaskint, while his burd sat on her arse and popped out a couple of weans.

Bumped into him at a family funeral, eventually got a story out of him that she'd been shagging around behind his back while he was sat in with the weans, and everyone inc her family knew.

Fast forward a few months, she's kicked him oot, told him he's never seeing the weans and he done himself.

Funeral comes and goes, and she's on wanting money out my mum and dad for the weans - she'd been doon the social claiming bereavement for him, never put a penny in for the cremation, then started kicking off cos a tax rebate of a couple of hundred quid was going to my Dad as next of kin. "Ah wis taking the weans tae Butlins wi that money" was the line iirc.

Till she died my Mother sent them birthday and Xmas cards with money in, never a word from them.  My daughter eventually reached out to one of the kids online and found out they never got them, they'd been told their grandparents never wanted to see them etc.  Seriously doubt they'll ever see my Dad again before he goes.

 

[RawB93]

A friend of a friend just found out in their late 30s that there was a mix up with babies at the hospital and he went home with the wrong family. The other baby went home with his family. As of recently they're all in contact now, can't remember how they found/worked it out. Don't know what's next for them. Fucked up, like.

[Florentine_Pogen]

2 minutes ago, RawB93 said:

A friend of a friend just found out in their late 30s that there was a mix up with babies at the hospital and he went home with the wrong family. The other baby went home with his family. As of recently they're all in contact now, can't remember how they found/worked it out. Don't know what's next for them. Fucked up, like.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babies_switched_at_birth

[RH33]

My son hasnt spoken to me for two years. I've no idea why, he went to his dad's one weekend and never came back. Breaks my heart.

Hoping once he's through the angry teen hears he'll appear back. 

[Jives Miguel]

I feel estranged from my family. I don't have a close bond with any of them, and never have done ever. None of them seem seem to care enough to do anything to try and change that. I don't either, but at least I have the excuse of being mentally fucked up from the emotional neglect.

[Spyro]

After over 5 years of not hearing a peep out of my mum, my partner got a message from one of her friends to tell me she's in hospital abroad, they don't have the money for the work and can I help. (fat chance, I'm on my arse!)

It wasn't my brother, or my auntie, or my step-dad. It was her snake of a mate who the last time I heard from him was trying his luck with my missus through Facebook!

It has been really fucking me up for the last few weeks, hence why I'm still up at 4.45am reading this.

I just want to thank all of you for being so honest and opening my eyes that I'm not the only one struggling. f**k them all, as long as my little girls are ok that's literally my only purpose in life. I'm just glad all 3 of them are amazing and come to me from anything. I can't imagine walking away from my children. I haven't seen my dad since I was 4 and ever since I became a dad myself I've never understood or been told wtf happened between him and my mum and why he completely cut me off. My oldest is 18 and got her own place up north and it's hard enough not seeing her for weeks at a time even though we talk all the time

[sugna]

On 30/04/2024 at 19:34, ICTChris said:

Saw this article about this subject 

https://www.economist.com/united-states/2021/05/20/how-many-american-children-have-cut-contact-with-their-parents?

 

Uwaaaaa?!!

[BFTD]

On 01/05/2024 at 15:58, RH33 said:

My son hasnt spoken to me for two years. I've no idea why, he went to his dad's one weekend and never came back. Breaks my heart.

Hoping once he's through the angry teen hears he'll appear back. 

It seems to be unfortunately common. The best thing seems to be finding regular ways to let them know you're thinking about them and continue planning as though they're still in your life (setting money aside, supporting them financially, etc).

I've known way too many people who've had a row with their kid or ex and just chucked in the towel. That would kill me, and you seem like your kids are important to you too, so you have my sympathies. Better times ahead eventually if you just keep plodding on.