SlipperyP Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Me: Watching Soccer Saturday Missus: Notices goals being scored, with the information being scrolled on the 'Vidiprinter' at the bottom of the screen: Eg Celtic 1 0 St Mirren Stokes (43) The Central Bar 1 0 Dunfermline Athletic McTavish (44) Missus: "Is that the players' ages in brackets?" Surprised the Central Bar took 44mins to go 1 up. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 My foreign burd asked me to buy her a yacht yesterday. I told her I might give her a dinghy. Blank looks all round. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shandon Par Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Me: I just got a free pass to that new health club down the road. Missus: Oh. How much did that cost? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 "Are you able to download stuff onto this phone to turn it into an iPhone?" - Heard in the EE shop earlier today. Right minker of a wifey too who was kicking up a fuss about hurrying up the queue only to be having a fag a few doors up when I left. The 'looks like 50, probably 25' type. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 "Are you able to download stuff onto this phone to turn it into an iPhone?" - Heard in the EE shop earlier today. Right minker of a wifey too who was kicking up a fuss about hurrying up the queue only to be having a fag a few doors up when I left. The 'looks like 50, probably 25' type. "Apple hate him! Aberdeen man turns old phone into an iPhone 6 using this one weird trick! Click here to see how!" Fortunes to be made if you've low enough moral standards. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) "Apple hate him! Aberdeen man turns old phone into an iPhone 6 using this one weird trick! Click here to see how!" Fortunes to be made if you've low enough moral standards. Watched the Wolf of Wall Street the other night so now know the tricks. I'll be waking up to Margot Robbie every morning this time next year. Looking forward to the "pics or gtf" posts then, just you wait. B) Eta: Aiberden quine btw. My foreign burd asked me to buy her a yacht yesterday. I told her I might give her a dinghy. Blank looks all round. My other half still has the plastic yacht bath toy which her dad got her for her 21st. A neat way to fulfill a promise about buying her a yacht. Edited February 16, 2015 by Hedgecutter 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarley Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Not a babe in any sense of the word but my mother in law. My wife has one of those white noise apps on her phone to help babies sleep. After about 30 mins of constant "shhh shhh shhh shhh" from the pram, the mother in law says "that must have taken you ages?". "What" says I. "To record you saying shhh shhh shhh for that long" says she. Not sure what was worse, her thinking it was actually a recording of me or not realising that you could just say "shhh" once then loop it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 My bird had a navigational disaster last summer. I was on my way home from Tyndrum and got a text saying she was going to photograph the sunset at Kenmore. An hour later I got another one saying she didn't have enough timd to get to Loch Tay so was stopping at Loch Clunie (between Blairgowrie and Dunkeld). Another 2 hours later I got a panicked phone call asking where the nearest petrol station to Dunkeld was. She had to head to Perth. Somewhat mystified on her return I asked what had happened. It turns out that instead of simply deciding to return the way she'd come, she'd pressed the wrong button on the sat nav which she'd originally programmed for Kenmore My query as to how on earth she'd not realised when crossing the A9 and indeed until she arrived in Aberfeldy was met with a frosty response. My helpful suggestion of just returning by the way she'd arrived wasn't well received either. In the end a two hour journey took five hours, resulted in around 100 extra miles and I couldn't speak to her without laughing for about a week. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 There's bound to be thousands of sat nav related ones. My other half insisted on having it on "just in case" last year and got rather worked up whilst driving down to Glasgow when it kept telling her to return to the nearest road, plenty of "Look, where are going? It's telling us this isn't the way" etc etc. Although we were driving along the M80, the sat nav thought we were in some farmer's field by Moodiesburn because she hadn't updated the maps since the motorway was extended there. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ranaldo Bairn Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Today, discussing birds (feathered ones) using the Earth's magnetic field to navigate. Me: Aye, racing pigeons do that. Female: What, they race pigeons? Me: Eh, yep. Female: Wow, I didn't think they ran that fast. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pars fan Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Not a babe in any sense of the word but my mother in law. My wife has one of those white noise apps on her phone to help babies sleep. After about 30 mins of constant "shhh shhh shhh shhh" from the pram, the mother in law says "that must have taken you ages?". "What" says I. "To record you saying shhh shhh shhh for that long" says she. Not sure what was worse, her thinking it was actually a recording of me or not realising that you could just say "shhh" once then loop it. Tragic. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnynivenEC Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Sitting having a drink tonight with my girlfriend,her pal and the pals questioning my sister. " Were you born in 2000? I feel so old!" Sister says aye, and the pal says "oh my God,how do you feel,you could make it to the year 3000" cue endless fits of laughter! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Sitting having a drink tonight with my girlfriend,her pal and the pals questioning my sister. " Were you born in 2000? I feel so old!" Sister says aye, and the pal says "oh my God,how do you feel,you could make it to the year 3000" cue endless fits of laughter! Not much has changed in the year 3000, but they live under water I hear... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SodjesSixteenIncher Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 My better half was trying to describe an Irish sounding actor. "Keith O'Sullivan". I was confused for a bit until she told me it's "the guy who's in that 24"! She also thought the actor who played the Joker was called Keith Ledger. I think she might be having an affair with someone called Keith. Not from a bird but I did Int 2 Modern Studies in 4th year and after nearly a year of watching and discussing The Matrix, my mate's failed NAB had constant references to the main character "Neil". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Sitting having a drink tonight with my girlfriend,her pal and the pals questioning my sister. " Were you born in 2000? I feel so old!" Sister says aye, and the pal says "oh my God,how do you feel,you could make it to the year 3000" cue endless fits of laughter! Get out, and take your sister with you. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Busta Nut Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Was your 14/15 year old sister drinking? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Not from a bird but I did Int 2 Modern Studies in 4th year and after nearly a year of watching and discussing The Matrix, my mate's failed NAB had constant references to the main character "Neil". I spent the first half of the film thinking he was called Neil, and even wondered why he'd chosen such a dull handle for himself 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Pancake Tuesday the other week there made me remember one from my missus a few years ago. I was going to give the wean something that had traces of nuts in it or something and the missus said I wasn't to bother as we still couldn't be 100% sure she wasn't allergic to nuts. "She eats nutella like her life depends on it" "Aye but that's chocolate" "...that's made with nuts" "What? No its not." "Eh the hints in the name there shagger. NUT-ella...?" She actually went and checked the jar to see if I was taking the piss out of her. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Pancake Tuesday the other week there... Seething too much to read the rest because I missed Pancake Day again 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mik Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Seething too much to read the rest because I missed Pancake Day again Shite that it's the only day of the year you can make them isn't it? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.